ROBERT DE NIRO

Once our main courses had arrived — vegetarian Ravioli for W, Calzone for me (W was initially outraged, thinking I'd ordered Calamari) — Wilson began to outline the many and manifold reasons why mid February would be the ideal time for a seaside holiday: how the beaches wouldn't be crowded, hotels would be cheap, parking would be easy and there wouldn't be crowds of noisy, ill-behaved children shouting 'Ooh — look at that anteater!' and pointing rudely at him.

Then he glanced back over both his shoulders, leaned forward conspiratorially and asked, 'New Dad, in that song Robert de Niro's Waiting — is he a waiter here? 'Cos I'd like his autograph if he is.'