NEW AND IMPROVED

I have to tell you, I was pretty appalled by Wilson's invention.

'Have you tested this "Bag of Serenity"?' I asked him.

'Oh yes!' he replied, 'I tested a smaller prototype on Antony and Tiny Toy — while we were on holiday, if you remember!'

I tried to explain that it was one thing putting small soft toys into a paper bag, quite another to consider doing the same with actual living children.

'How would you like it if I put you in Bag of Serenity?' I asked. 

'Well, I wouldn't like it at all...' he replied.  'But then, I am never fractious, rude, disobedient or just plain naughty!'

I fought the urge to mention the many times he'd used my VISA card without permission.

'Anyway, this is only a prototype,' he reminded me. 'I'm just drawing up a list of improvements to incorporate into the final, production model.'

He held up a sheet of paper.

'I'm even thinking of making a larger version,' he added, 'for naughty twins!'

DAWN OF A NEW ERA IN CHILDCARE — ALLEGEDLY

Wilson has unveiled his new invention which, he says, will transform AND revolutionise childcare in the 21st Century. As well as making him rich.

He took me into the kitchen, where he proceeded to unfold the biggest brown paper bag I had ever seen, and announced, 'Behold! I present the Wilson Vermilingua "Bag of Serenity" (patent pending) ushering in a New Era in Non-Lethal Childcare!'

While not wishing to state the obvious, I observed: 'It's a paper bag.' 

'No,' he replied, 'while it may LOOK like a paper bag, it is in fact the new Naughty Step!'

I had an awful feeling that I knew where this was heading... and I wasn't wrong.

'When your child is fractious, rude, disobedient or just plain naughty, just pop it in the Bag of Serenity until it calms down... or begs to come out!' he continued. 'After a few uses, just the THREAT of the Bag of Serenity will be enough to calm your child and make it promise to be good for ever! It will be especially useful at times of high stress, like Xmas Eve!'
_________
Yesterday's ANTicipate! answer is: ANTicipate! — the intellectually-challenging fun card game for all the family! Available soon for a trifling sum at all good shops.

SAINT WILSON THE FIRST

Taking a break from his invention (which he told me he will be unveiling tomorrow — I can barely contain my excitement :-/) he has worked through the Tenets of Pastafarianism and announced that he is henceforth to be known as St Wilson 1st of Costa Rica and Uckfield. 

That's a bit of a mouthful, and I shall be applying for a dispensation to address him as Wilson.

Anyway, he's produced a 'Russian Icon' of himself in his Piratical Vestments and carrying a bottle of Communion Malibu (he doesn't like the taste of Rum) to commemorate his sainthood, all labelled up very neatly with his DYMO machine.

He says you should feel free to print it out, stick it to a nice oak or pine plaque and hang it over your bed. 

In a beneficent and Saintly gesture has granted permission to do that for nothing, but if you'd like a signed copy there will be a small fee, in aid of 'ecclesiastical supplies' as he put it.
Probably another bottle of Communion Malibu...
_________
Yesterday's ANTicipate! answer is: chrysANThemum
Today's ANTicipate! question is: This ANT is a brilliant card game which is educational and fun for all the family. Specially good when played on Xmas night after a couple of glasses of Ant Gin. Also very reasonably priced. What ANT is it?

WILSON FLEXES HIS INVENTING MUSCLE

Wilson rose early this morning, so he could start work on a prototype of his new invention.

However, he keeps asking me what I did after he went to bed last night — I'm pretty sure he suspects something went on without his knowledge... but I think I've gotten away with it.

He's been in the living room most of today, sticking together sheets of brown wrapping paper to make one huge sheet. Antony is in charge of handing him strips of Sellotape, and Tiny Toy is responsible for ensuring that the corners don't curl up. They are both taking their tasks very seriously.

__________
Yesterday's ANTicipate! answer is: cANTilever
Today's ANTicipate! question is: This ANT is a popular flower of the daisy family, with brightly coloured decorative flowers. What ANT is it?

BRILLIANT SCIENCE FICTION MOVIE

Wilson went to bed early last night to study the Tenets of Pastafarianism, and also to work on a 'stunning low-outlay, high-profit' new invention he's just thought of.

He took a brown paper bag with him... I do hope he's not glue-sniffing or something!

Anyway, I took the opportunity of his absence to see a Sci-Fi Movie (with the sound turned down very low): I watched "EX MACHINA" with a bag of ant-free nuts and a glass of non-ant wine, and had a lovely evening. 

However, WILSON MUST NEVER SEE THIS FILM! I beg you not to mention it to him. I can't face going through the "MOON" fiasco again... sleepless nights, depression, animal psychiatrists, legal action — the Sci-Fi Movie Ban MUST stay in place!
_________
Incidentally, Wilson has re-named his fANTastic! Fun-For-All-The-Family card game: it is now called ANTicipate!
Yesterday's ANTicipate! answer is: KANT
Today's ANTicipate! question is: This ANT is a long projecting beam fixed only at one end. What ANT is it?

THE RULES OF SAINTHOOD

One of Wilson's friends has suggested a new Mission Statement for him: 'I'm an Anteater — Make My Day!'

W quite likes the sound of this, because his idea of someone 'making his day' is if they give him a treat — a toy, or a sweet maybe. Or a jar of ants. 

But he has been distracted from this topic since he heard from the Church of Pastafaria explaining their (remarkably lax) rules for Sainthood — all one has to do is dress and talk like a pirate.

Apparently in Pastafarianism, pirates have a similar status to Christian Saints or Buddhist Bodhisattvas, so he's in the living room rooting through his Dressing-Up Box looking for his Pirate Costume. He hasn't seen it since last Talk Like A Pirate Day, but he's certain that it's in there somewhere. 

_________
Yesterday's fANTastic! answer is: decANT
Today's fANTastic! question is: This ANT is a German Philosopher. What ANT is it?

W says he'll have to stop these quiz questions soon, or you won't need to buy his fANTastic! game to play at Xmas...

MISSION STATEMENT

Wilson is in the kitchen refining his Mission Statement. 

He's listed his personal favourites and pinned them up on the notice board, so that you can vote on your favourite — or suggest something entirely new, if you think of anything suitable.

His front-runners are:

     'That's the way I roll!'
     'I am Anteater — hear me ROAR!'
     'Damaged but Adorable'

He's ditched 'We exist to quickly utilise meta-services' on the grounds that, although it sounded very 21st Century, he didn't know what it meant, and would have been embarrassed if anyone had asked him to explain it.

Yesterday's fANTastic! answer is: ANTimony
Today's fANTastic! question is: This ANT gradually pours liquid from one vessel into another, without disturbing the sediment.
What ANT is it?

MOVEMBER

This morning I found Wilson in the bathroom — an unusual event in itself — balancing on a chair so he could examine his chin in the mirror.

'What's up, old mate?' I asked him.

He replied that he was taking part in No-Shave November, AKA Movember, but was very disappointed by his lack of progress beard-wise.

I said he'd just have to be patient... for a few years. He is only eight, after all.

He then said that he thought he needed a Mission Statement, explaining that his Family Motto 'Lentus In Totus Res' (Slothful in All Things) doesn't accurately reflect his his ebullient and can-do attitude to life.

I told him I'd give it some thought, and I'd also ask you if you have any ideas. What do you think?

• Yesterday's fANTastic! answer is: ANTlers — which many of you correctly guessed.
• Today's fANTastic! question is: This ANT has an Atomic Number of 51, and he sounds like an anarchist. What ANT is it?

 I can't even remember what an Atomic Number is...

UNEXPECTED ANSWERS

He's made everyone wait a whole day for the answer, but this morning Wilson swept into the kitchen and announced, 'The answer to yesterday's fANTastic! question is: constANT.'

I had to interrupt him, telling him that one or two guesses had arrived on-line... and they seemed to be correct... but different.

W frowned, musing 'How can that be? What, pray, are these, um, counterfeit so-called solutions?'

I replied that one of his friends in New Zealand had submitted two answers, dormANT and stagnANT.

He considered my news in silence for several minutes, before picking up his marker pen and — rather grudgingly I thought — appending two alternative answers to this card.

Then he selected another card from his pack and intoned, 'Today's fANTastic! question is an easy one, with an unambiguous answer: These ants sit on a deer's head — what ants are they?'

STUPID BOY

Wilson gathered everyone in the kitchen so he could explain how his new card game — fANTastic fun! — is played.

Once everyone had settled down, Wilson drew a card from the pack on the table and read it silently to himself (although his lips did move a little — enough for me to guess the answer even before I'd heard the question).

Then he announced, 'This ant is very old! — now you've got to think of a word with "ant" in it that means very old. Alright?'

This was met with blank looks, so he continued, 'As this is the first time you've played, I shall tell you the answer, which is, "Antique"!'

He beamed at everyone, but sensed he had more explaining yet to do.

'You see, "Antique" means something that is very old, and it's got "ant" in it. "ANT-ique" — you see?'
He drew another card and announced, 'Okay here's another one — this ant always stays the same! What ant is it?'

Tiny Toy raised his paw confidently and said, 'Gary! The ant is Gary — Gary is a good name for an ant...'

Wilson puffed out his cheeks and exhaled deeply, reminding me very much of Captain Mainwaring from Dad's Army trying to have a sensible conversation with Private Pike.

fANTastic NEW GAME

Wilson has proudly shown me the prototype of his new 'Educational Fun for All the Family' card game.
He has named his game, inevitably perhaps, 'fANTastic!' because it is allegedly fANTastic fun to play — guarANTeed.

W has not yet entrusted me with the details of how one actually plays the game, but he says that he will Reveal All tomorrow. I suspect ants are involved. 

I can hardly contain my excitement... Not.

Oh alright — I'm a little bit excited.

FRIDGE ORGANISATION

Wilson has been sorting out the fridge in the newly decorated kitchen. 

By 'Sorting Out' I don't mean rearranging the food by flavour or colour, or throwing out stuff that's passed its use-by date; I mean establishing storage rights.

He has got out his Dymo Labeller that he had for his birthday a few years ago, and is sticking WILSON'S SHELF labels on all the shelves. 

ALL the shelves — I seem to be permitted to use the Salad Drawer at the bottom of the fridge and half the Egg Rack... but maybe he just hasn't got round to sticking his labels there yet.

GAME OF WORDS

One of Wilson's friends has told him how to contact the Flying Spaghetti Monster. He Tweeted him last night, and the FSM has Faved his Tweet, but not yet replied.

W says that's 'Totes understandable, 'cos His Noodlyness must be v. busy administering a whole religion,' and has settled down to work on his new Family Card Game.

He's sitting in the living room with a huge dictionary, and keeps asking me very taxing questions. 

Questions like, 'New Dad, what is that 18th Century word that means a person who receives an annuity?' 

Or, 'New Dad, can you think what the word is that describes a law or contract drawn up by deed?'

This sounds like a VERY DIFFICULT card game, and I don't know how much fun it's going to be...

PLAN B

Following his Rejection Letter from the Pope, Wilson has resolved to take his Miraculous Toast somewhere it WILL be appreciated: to the Pastafarians!

'What goes better with Spaghetti than Toast?' he asked, 'It'll be RIGHT up their street!'

Only problem is, he doesn't know how to contact His Noodlyness — does anyone have an email address for the Pope of Pasta?

AN UNANSWERED PRAYER

Wilson was just discussing with me whether he will be an Ordinary Saint, or a Patron Saint — of Ants, perhaps — when the postman rang at the door to give him a letter postmarked Vatican City. This was what he'd been waiting for so long.

He tore open the envelope with some trepidation, then quickly read the contents…

Wilson took the news much better than I'd expected, expressing only mild disappointment.
He must have a Plan B...

HOLY TOAST

Wilson still hasn't heard from The Vatican, so to pass the time he's framed the Polaroid of the 'Miraculous Image' of his face on a slice of toast. 

He has converted the spare bedroom into what he calls The Reliquary and installed the picture behind curtains, which he will draw apart for a fee.

He's charging 10p to open the drapes — reduced from £2.50 — but he says that the money is all going to a VERY good cause.

I can probably guess what that is! 

Anyway, he's already taken £5.00 off me...

WILSON PREPARES FOR SAINTHOOD

While waiting to hear from the Pope about his application for Sainthood, Wilson is in the kitchen practicing his new signature.

I hope he isn't taking too much for granted — the Holy See is notoriously fastidious about miracles…

WILSON'S ADVENTURE IN THE MAGIC KINGDOM OF DIY

A couple of Wilson's friends have embraced the Rupert the Bear* theme from yesterday and have sent Rhyming Couplets to accompany his adventure: 

     "I'll fix that hole!" our Wilson cries.
     "Please do your best," New Dad replies.

     Wilson knows a cunning way
     A Rupert Annual can save the day.

     "A perfect fit," our Wilson said.
     "And the perfect way to read in bed."

     Young Rupert Bear is full of glee.
     He's right on top for all to see!

They're brilliant, don't you think? Wilson and I LOVE them!

*If you don't know Rupert the Bear, please do Google "Rupert The Bear Annual"  — he's a great British Institution and a nostalgic part of most people's childhood!
[NOT the animated series!]

CONVERSATION PIECE

To pass the time while waiting to hear from the Pope, Wilson has got round to repairing the hole in the ceiling. 

He told me a couple of days ago that in his Museum he had 'the very perfect thing' to repair the hole. I was expecting an offcut of plasterboard [drywall], but what he used was a Rupert the Bear Xmas Annual… and he's hot-glued it to the ceiling, so there's little chance of taking it down.

I tried to conceal my surprise when he showed me the finished job, but he sensed something was wrong.

'I know it's unusual, using a book,' he explained, but it's like a Conversation Piece — and anyway, by the time it's been up there for a year or two, no-one will even notice it any more.'

'Hmmm…' I replied, but he wasn't quite finished. 

'Anyway, don't knock it, New Dad — that was one of my BEST Rupert books!'

I think that, as far as he's concerned, the hole has been repaired and matter is now closed…

IT'S A MIRACLE — POSSIBLY

One of Wilson's friends (who wishes to remain anonymous, to avoid unwanted attention from Network TV) has sent him a photo of a slice of toast bearing what he claims is a 'miraculous image of Wilson'!

W immediately emailed him, asking what had happened to the toast (which he is referring to as the 'miraculous relic') as it might be needed if he ever starts his own religion.

He's just received a reply, saying the toast was eaten with jam and butter, and tasted 'delicious.' This has been a bit of a blow, but nevertheless W feels he has sufficient evidence of the 'blessed miracle' to convince all but the most non-gullible.

He's writing to The Pope right now, enquiring how much Sainthood would cost and whether there's an age limit for it… and a salary.