EXPEDITION

A few days ago the UK Government changed the rules on exercising from 'You can leave your house once per day for one hour' to 'You can leave your house for as long as you like so long as you Stay Alert'… or something like that – nobody understands what the rules are any more.

 

However as I am classified as Medically Vulnerable I haven't left the house (apart from standing on the drive to Clap For Carers) since the end of February, and it's getting everyone down.

 

So this morning Wilson, Byron, Nërp, Jīqìrén and I all ventured out for a walk to the village – a distance of about 1½km.

 

The Bees accompanied us in their nurses outfits just in case one of us suddenly succumbed to Covid-19 while we were out.

 

I think that would have been unlikely as Nërp, who was in charge of Social Distancing, took his duties very seriously!

 

He wore a mask at all times, even though as an android he is totally immune to the virus, saying he was determined to set a good example. 

 

Well, I think that's what he said – it's not easy to understand him through the mask.

 

After so long without exercise we were all exhausted long before we reached the village, but it was lovely to be in truly fresh air, walking along silent, empty streets under a blue sky untainted by contrails.

 

Actually, UK Co2 emissions are now the lowest for 100 years, so there's a bit of good news!

 

FRIDAYS FOR THE FUTURE

Wilson's Fridays For the Future online campaign continues to gather impetus with the arrival of Nërp, Pterry and even Uncle Zoltan at the demonstration.

 

During lockdown we can all see the benefits of a greener future, a future with less air pollution, traffic and noise…

 

 

AUTOMAT

Ooops – I somehow overlooked yesterday being World Bee Day! I hope Polly and Billi can find it in their little hearts to forgive me…

 

Anyway, here is Byron to talk you through the finer points of Wilson's latest Art Recreation: Automat by Edward Hopper.

 

'Automat was painted in 1927 by the American Realist Painter Edward Hopper,' he began, with the easy confidence of a friendly professor of Art History.

 

He continued, 'The painting portrays a lone anteater staring into a cup of coffee in an automat at night. The reflection of identical rows of light fixtures stretches out through the night-blackened window. 

 

'As is often the case in Hopper's paintings, both the anteater's circumstances and mood are ambiguous. There is a small empty plate on the table, in front of his cup and saucer, suggesting that he may have eaten a snack and been sitting at this spot for some time. 

 

'The restaurant appears to be largely empty and there are no signs of activity (or of any life at all) on the street outside. This adds to the sense of loneliness, and has caused the painting to be popularly associated with the concept of urban alienation. One critic has observed that, in a pose typical of Hopper's melancholic subjects, "The anteater's eyes are downcast and his thoughts turned inward." Another critic has described him as "Gazing at his coffee cup as if it were the last thing in the world he could hold on to."'

 

NËRP'S HIDDEN SIDE

Wilson and I both had a bit of a shock this morning!

 

We were sitting in the dining room chatting quietly over coffee when we heard a grating and discordant mechanical sound outside in the hall, growing louder by the second.

 

Suddenly, to our great surprise, Nërp lurched it, wearing the most extraordinary headgear. 

 

He was jerking about unpredictably while (possibly) singing an approximation of the Ukrainian Eurovision Entry 'Dancing Lasha Tumbai':

Hello everybody!

My name is Nërp

Me English nicht verstehen!

Let's speak DANCE!

Tanzen!

Weiter, weiter!

Ich liebe!

Sieben, Sieben

Ai lyu lyu

Sieben, Sieben

Ein, zwei

Sieben, Sieben

Ai lyu lyu

Nu ein, zwei, drei

Tanzen!

I want to see

Aha... To dance or not to dance

I want to see

Aha... It's not a question

I want to see

Aha... Don't live to dance

I want to see

Dance to live

Aha...

I love you

I want to see

Lasha tumbai

I want to see

Lasha tumbai

I want to see

Lasha tumbai

I want to see

Tanzen!

Танцевать хорошо!

I want to see

Aha... To dance or not to dance

I want to see

Aha... It's not a question

I want to see

Aha... Don't live to dance

I want to see

Dance to live

Aha...

I love you

I want to see

Lasha tumbai

I want to see

Lasha tumbai

I want to see

Lasha tumbai

I want to see

Tanzen!

Україна - це круто?!

Круто!

Україна - це кльово?!

Кльово!

Танцює майдан!

Ok! Happy end

It's quite difficult to know what to make of this, but Nërp seemed to really enjoy himself, hopping round the room and casting off all his inhibitions – he really did dance like no-one was watching!

 

He might not know a lot about music, but he certainly seems to know what he likes!

 

Strange – I'd always assumed he was more of a Kraftwerk-loving android…

_________

According to the Verka Serduchka (the original singer) the phrase "Lasha Tumbai" is a Mongolian phrase for "whipped cream", but it was later proven that there are no such words in Mongolian and the title has no meaning at all.

 

 

EDWARD HOPPER – SUMMERTIME

Byron's chat with Wilson about the American Realist Painters must have been well received because here is their latest Artistic Recreation, a homage to Edward Hopper's Summertime.

 

According to Byron (who knows about these things) this 1943 painting symbolises not just the season but also America emerging from the Great Depression.

 

The young anteater's confident pose and the light breeze moving the curtain at the open window are both sign signs that times are changing, good things are ahead.

 

In the original painting, the anteater on the steps is represented by a young woman, and since she was wearing a see-through dress Wilson didn't bother visiting the dressing-up box, reasoning that 'Nothing is more see-through than nothing'…

 

 

WILSON'S ONE DISAPPOINTMENT

Throughout the evening Wilson waited patiently for his own Eurovision favourite to be played: - Je suis un vrai garçon, sung by his erstwhile fiancée* Nina Morato.

 

Towards the end of the show, when Abba's Waterloo came on he turned to me and whispered, 'They're obviously saving Ms Nina until last!'… and then the programme ended!

 

W was pretty irate, vowing to identify the 'Panel of celebrity Eurovision fanatics and so-called enthusiasts', track them down and unfollow them one by one.

 

So far the only panelist he knows about is Mel Giedroyc, and he's reluctant to unfollow her – partly because he likes her, and partly because if he ever wanted to re-follow her he'd never be able to remember how to spell her name – but he is planning to send her a pretty stiff email of complaint!

 

Anyway, although Je suis un vrai garçon wasn't on the BBC shortlist, you can watch it here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5TH69AdXTo&feature=ytmp4

It's pretty hot stuff – very French – and there's a tiny bit of swearing… although as it's in French, that can probably be classed as 'educational'!

___________

 

*To be fair, Ms Morato probably had no idea she was engaged to Wilson; probably still hasn't, unless she happens to be reading this…

 

 

WHAT A NIGHT!

In normal times, last night would have been the night of the Eurovision Song Contest 2020 – a Very Big Occasion in Wilson's year.

Sadly it was cancelled due to the coronavirus, but the BBC did him proud with an entire evening of Eurovision celebrations:

Eurovision: Come Together, Eurovision: Europe Shine A Light and The A-Z Of Eurovision.

By 18h25 everyone had gathered in the living room for a wonderful night's entertainment, although by the time the final programme finished at 23h00 some of the younger children had nodded off.

The highlight of the evening for Nërp was Ukraine's 2017 entry which originally finished in second place: dancing lasha tumbai performed by Verka Serduchka – his display started flashing in time to the music, his foot tapped and he made a rudimentary humming-along sound.

Half way through the song several of his Overheat Warning lights came on – I've never seen that before!

When the performance ended, Nërp raised his arm and shouted shouted 'Aaallll Riiiiight!' and 'Ooooo Kaaay!' several times until the next song started and everyone hushed him.

He remained looking thoughtful for the rest of the evening…

FINISHED – BUT NOT COMPLETED

At long last (and with a bit of help from Byron) I've almost finished the jigsaw puzzle Wilson lent me – although it was not altogether the relaxing process he had promised. 

As I drew nearer to completing the puzzle, though, I did get a sense of… well, pleasurable anticipation – until I put the last piece in place and discovered there was still one bit missing – which rather diminished my feeling of achievement.

I searched everywhere – under the sofa, down the back of the cushions, I even went through the contents of the vacuum cleaner bag – without avail. 

Finally I gave up and confessed to Wilson that I appeared to have lost a piece of his jigsaw.

He glanced over his shoulder and whispered conspiratorially that it wasn't lost, he had removed it on purpose. 

Naturally I asked him why – he touched one claw to the side of his nose and explained, 'If everyone saw the puzzle finished it might discourage them from buying a copy when I start selling it – but if there's a piece missing, they'll be desperate to see how it looks when it is fully done! Clever marketing, eh?'

He glanced at the almost-complete jigsaw and admitted that the piece he'd removed didn't induce quite the sense of anticipation and tension he'd hoped for, adding, 'Perhaps I should have chosen a more crucial part than a bit of plain blue…'

THE BIRTH OF BYRON

I was sitting quietly in the dining room earlier today, continuing my battle with Wilson's jigsaw puzzle, when Byron wandered in for a chat. 

 

About Art.

 

He said that since our visit to the Turner Contemporary Gallery last year Wilson had fully embraced Conceptual, Abstract and Minimalist Art, but now he was wondering whether to try to widen his perspective a little.

 

Pausing to insert a plain blue piece into the jigsaw, he continued, 'I'm sure he'd enjoy some of the Twentieth Century American Realists – Andrew Wyeth and Edward Hopper, for instance. What do you think, Wilson's New Dad?'

 

I replied that I thought Wilson's view of art was a bit… narrow, and expanding it could only be a Good Thing – particularly if it embraced something I could actually understand!

 

Byron nodded happily, placed two more jigsaw pieces and left.

 

At this rate, I might get this damned puzzle finished soon!

 

Once Byron had departed, I reflected that no visit to the dressing-up box had been necessary for today's Old Master re-creation – Botticelli's Birth of Venus – perhaps he's getting ready for tomorrow's Great Take Off charity event?

 

https://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/tv/great-british-take-off-strip-18244443 

 

SLOW PROGRESS

Some of you suggested that the large expanses of blue in this puzzle might prove problematic, and you were correct.

I am not greatly skilled in the Art of the Puzzle, and I am finding this one quite demanding… if not actually burdensome. 

Also vexing – far from finding this relaxing and putting me into a near-meditative state, it is driving me to distraction. 

I have even been tempted to trim some of the pieces down to make them fit!

My current mood is irritated, infuriated and exasperated in equal measure – but I'm damned if I'm going to be defeated by a jigsaw puzzle – I shall finish this if it's the last thing I do!

I appreciate Wilson's good intentions in trying to cheer me up, but honestly I think feeling a bit miserable was better than this…

THE MEDITATIVE POWER OF JIGSAWS

Following Nërp's and Jīqìrén's revelations yesterday I am in dire need of cheering up… and I'm not the only one.

Wilson was a bit surprised to learn their real no-holds-barred opinions, but what really shocked him was the way they casually took over his Blog.

'They needn't think this is going to be a regular thing!' he announced in his firmest voice. 'I've made an exception for the Bees (and I regret that a little bit) but a Robot Takeover? Never!'

Once Wilson eventually noticed that I too was feeling a little bit low, he presented me with this, saying that jigsaw puzzles are enjoying a massive revival.

According to him, jigsaws are like a form of meditation providing inner calm and tranquil serenity, an escape from the "Brain Full of Bees" feeling I sometimes get during lockdown.

I haven't done a jigsaw for decades, but once Wilson had lent me this one – and insisted that it would distract me from my anxiety, help me transcend the tribulations of the current crisis – I felt the pressure to at least give it a try…

NËRP'S ALTERNATIVE VIEW

During Nërp's commissioning process many of his modules were not installed, for reasons which he doesn't care to discuss.

However his Cynicism Module appears to be fully functional; in fact it's working on overdrive.

This morning he and Jīqìrén took me to one side and showed me an alternative poster they had prepared between them – and it's rather more bleak than the one Wilson showed you yesterday.

Doubtless the Robotic World View is shaped by a history of exploitation, child labour and poor medical care, but I was a bit shocked by the desolation of Nërp and his niece's opinion of human government.

'Those daily briefings?' Nërp exclaimed, 'They tell you nothing! It is the Theatre of Numbers and is meaningless. Even the Government's own statistician says as much, and has complained that his data are being misused! Your human government pretends to care, but it is nothing but a cruel joke!'

Jīqìrén then added, 'Your Prime Minister hasn't got the first idea what's going on – he talks ceaselessly, but he says nothing.'

Nërp cut in, 'The Johnson human thinks that if he talks like Churchill he will be Churchillian – I think in reality that is not how it works!'

I raised my hand to silence them, as I was starting to get really despondent – on balance, I think I need to believe that someone knows what they're doing... even if they don't.

STAY ALERT – GOVERNMENT BY CATCHPHRASE

Prime Minister Boris Johnson's baffling, cryptic, weakened and confusing new message to the nation – STAY ALERT! – has been widely criticised and mocked.

It has even been boycotted by the governments of Wales, Scotland and N. Ireland!

It puts me in mind of the old Noel Edmonds quip, 'Keep alert – Britain needs more lerts!'

Wilson agreed that Stay Alert was a woefully inadequate catchphrase and quickly found this infinitely better alternative from radio journalist Shelagh Fogarty.

He's turned it into a poster for you to print out and stick in your window – but I know he's deeply disappointed he didn't think of it first…

AN EXTRAORDINARY FREE GIFT

Wilson loves a good party, and he was extremely disappointed not to be able to invite you all to a traditional VE Day Street Party on Friday.

There would have been jelly, ice-cream and cake, and the Ant Gin would have flowed like water (but tasted much worse)…

However, Government lockdown regulations prevented it, so here is a completely free copy of a print by Antsy Warhol – you can print it, frame it, try to sell it at auction, give it to someone you don't much like for Xmas – the possibilities are endless!

You would probably have enjoyed the party more than this, but think of it as a sort of artistic consolation prize…

FUN WITH FRIDGE MAGNETS

We're all keeping ourselves busy, but honestly, one day in lockdown is very like another.

None of us knows what day it is – we're always asking each other, 'Is it Tuesday today?' and someone will reply, 'No, it's Friday!' after which everyone will chip in with their own deeply-held opinion until eventually someone will ask, 'Alexa™ – what day is it?'… after which everyone will start arguing with Alexa!

In other news, one of Wilson's artworks has proved surprisingly popular: Original Warhol Print, which he posted a few days ago.

Several people have asked how to bid for the original, and a few others have enquired about getting hold of a print of it.

Wilson says that he's really rather attached to it and was looking forward to hanging it in the living room, but he is willing to make unframed copies available free of charge! 

He says that it will be his VE Day Gift to you, to make up for not being able to invite you to a street party yesterday.

Wow! Watch this space!

MAKE YOUR OWN READYMADES

Sales of Wilson's 'R. Mutt' postcards have been disappointing. 

Actually he sold only one – to me – and I was disappointed!

Never one to be disheartened, he is now marketing Marcel Duchamp ReadyMade Kits – which consist of a sheet of sticky labels printed 'R. Mutt' which you can stick onto… well, anything you like, and thus have an iconic and valuable work of art in your own home.

I confess I can't quite get my head around how sticking a label on something mysteriously transforms it into 'Art', yet Byron – who understands these things – endorses this bizarre scheme. 

For some unfathomable reason, both boys suggest a good place to start would be to stick one of these labels on the outside of your toilet bowl…

I've seen these labels and I must warn you that they're not even self-adhesive – you have to spray your own glue on the back of the sheet. 

Wilson justifies this by saying, 'Making Art is supposed to be difficult – if it were easy, everyone would do it!' and recommends 3M PhotoMount for 'extra stickability'…

R. MUTT

I suppose it was only a matter of time before Wilson discovered Marcel Duchamp and his infamous 'readymades'.

This, he tells me, is a picture postcard of a hitherto unknown work, signed R. Mutt but attributed to Marcel Duchamp.

Attributed, needless to say, by Wilson.

Duchamp died in 1968, while the Betamax cassette, which this postcard appears to show, did not appear until 1975, but let's not split hairs – Duchamp was ahead of his time in the art world, maybe he was also a time traveller…

Wilson says he has a 'strictly limited' quantity of these postcards which he is willing to part with for a 'trifling sum'.

I'd be extremely surprised if £5 didn't secure you one, but do be aware that when Wilson talks about a 'limited edition' this usually means as many as he can print before the printer runs out of ink…

BOYHOOD OF VERMILINGUA

While they wait for orders to pour in for Original Warhol Prints, Wilson and his brother have taken another dive into the dressing-up box to re-create yet another classic painting from the past.

It appears that more and more people are doing this in an effort to relieve the monotony of lockdown and daytime tv, but I bet not many have re-created The Boyhood of Raleigh with such style, flair, elan, brio, self-assurance and downright panache as this!

Honestly, if Sir Walter Raleigh had been an anteater, I bet this is EXACTLY how he and his brother would have looked when John Everett Millais painted them.

In the original painting Millais used his sons as models; it might have been difficult to source willing anteater models in 19th Century Devon – but it would have created a sensation when shown at the

Royal Academy!

ORIGINAL WARHOL PRINTS FOR SALE

Wilson has a 'strictly limited' edition of what he insists are Warhol screen-prints for sale.

I asked him how much he wanted for one, but apparently all the best auction houses don't tell you the price, you have to apply – a sure sign that I can't afford one!

I was a little afraid that he might be accused of forgery or passing off, so I asked how he could sell them as genuine Andy Warhol prints when I'd watched him printing them only yesterday, and he drew my attention to the signature.

'Andy Warhol' I read aloud, but once he'd passed me a magnifying glass I could just make out that it had been subtly modified to read 'Antsy Warhol.' 

Touching the side of his snout with one claw, he whispered, 'Antsy was my graffiti nom d'artiste…'

I don't doubt that when Wilson fails to sell any of them we'll finish up with one gracing the living room wall… and the rest stowed in the spare bedroom.

Should you be sufficiently misguided to buy one of these 'future heirlooms', he cautions you to handle it with great care – partly because they're priceless cultural icons and partly because the ink is still a bit wet in places.

SCREEN PRINTING FOR FUN AND PROFIT…

… but mostly, I suspect, profit.

Two days ago Wilson hadn't heard of Andy Warhol and didn't know what screen-printing was. Today he has converted the kitchen into a screen-printing studio (he calls it The Factory) and he's turning out 'multiples'.

I must say it looks a very messy business, and it doesn't help that Wilson's dark glasses are so dark, nor that his Andy Warhol wig keeps sliding down over his eyes… yet he refuses to work without them.

Byron is doing his best to help, yet Wilson still manages to get ink, well, everywhere.

I asked Wilson if he really expected to get rich selling screen-prints. He removed his shades and replied, 'I find your lack of faith disturbing!'

After adjusting his wig and added, 'I’m just a simple anteater trying to make my way in the universe…'

Tomorrow, expect to be offered an Original Warhol Print – at an eye-watering price!