UNHOLIDAY: CAR PARK

The rain has now stopped and we've been able to leave our 'hotel', so this is effectively the first day of our Unholiday!

We've driven round to the car park so we can explore our 'Holiday Destination' – the quaint East Sussex village of Uckfield – and discover what many delights it has to offer.

In even the prettiest and exotic of holiday destinations, the car park is rarely anything to get excited about, but Byron has entered into the spirit of things by looking round, reading the Parking Regulations sign and admiring the antennas on the roof of the nearby Police Station with an expression of feigned interest.

Wilson is finding it a bit more difficult to suspend his disbelief and enter into this make-believe world, but I'm not giving up on him yet – I'm determined to make this 'holiday' a success…

 

UNHOLIDAY: DAY 1

Today is the first day of our UNHoliday, and it is too wet to leave the 'hotel' – but I suppose that's what happens if you choose to holiday in November, 'the most disagreeable month in the whole year'…

 

Wilson rose for breakfast in the 'Dining Room' (breakfast served 07h00 – 09h30) then retired to the 'Bar' (living room) where he drank cocktails and made use of the Free Wi-Fi until lunchtime.

 

Nërp has decided not to participate in the UnHoliday as he says his Suspension Of Disbelief module was not installed and he thinks he'd have problems pretending that Uckfield is an unfamiliar but interesting holiday destination when it truth he knows it is neither.

 

I'm sure it's not just Nërp – I think most robots would have a bit of a problem playing Let's Pretend!

 

Byron, however, is up for giving it his best shot.

 

Given that there's no real alternative, I still think this is a good idea for a lockdown holiday – if you try it yourself in your own town, let us know how it goes!

 

LOCKDOWN HOLIDAY SUGGESTION

Wilson, Byron and Nërp have been doing little but play Hungry, Hungry Hippos recently, so it's little wonder they're bored.

Wilson confronted me today, saying that if he didn't have a holiday soon he wouldn't be responsible for his actions.

 

By this time of year, we would normally have had about three holidays, but so far we've had none.

 

I can well sympathise with his feelings, but the whole of the UK is in various different states of lockdown with many restrictions on movement, so a real holiday is sadly out of the question.

 

However, I've had an idea – I don't know whether it will help, but I'll put it to him anyway.

 

'How would it be', I asked, 'if we went to the lovely village of Uckfield for a few days?'

 

'Uckfield?' he replied, 'That's where we live! Are you starting to lose it, New Dad?'

 

'Hear me out,' I continued, 'what if we pretend our house is a hotel, and we pretend we haven't been living here for years? We could go into town and look at it with "new eyes", seeing it as though for the first time. What do you think – should we give it a try?'

 

I sensed that he was deeply unimpressed, but he shrugged and said it couldn't be much worse than being stuck indoors all day playing Hungry Hippos…

 

Even after the new government regulations come into force on Thursday we'll be able to exercise as a Family Group, so legally we'll be in the clear – why not join us on our virtual tour of the little East Sussex village of Uckfield?

 

 

BEES' BLOG: WALK OF SHAME

Hello, we are Polly and Billi the Bees. 

 

Welcome to our Guest Blog, and to November.

 

Joseph Addison called this 'The gloomy month of November, when the people of England hang and drown themselves.' 

 

Or as Sarah Teasdale expressed a similar thought, 'The world is tired, the year is old, The faded leaves are glad to die.'

 

I'm sorry, we don't mean to bring you down, it's just that we've been up all night partying, Waggle Dancing and getting Blootered on Mead, and now we're both feeling a bit tired – altogether more Furry Mouthed than Bushy Tailed…

 

Anyway, we've been the Bees and we'll see you again next month.

 

Until then BEEEEEE Good: Wear a Mask, Keep 2m Apart and Carry On Washing Your Tarsi!

 

We're off to have a bit of a lie-down now to sleep it off – aren't we the Luckiest Girls in New York?

 

 

SOCIALLY DISTANCED HALLOWE'EN PARTY

Nërp's Halloween Trick-or-Treat-'o'-Matic machine has been installed by the front door, so the celebrations may now commence!

Since we're all one family, everyone has been able to attend this year's Hallowe'en Party.

 

Uncle Zoltan has baked one of his famous cakes and, although I'm sure he (probably) washed his tarsi before making it, I rather wish he wouldn't keep walking all over it!

 

Tiny Toy is telling Hallowe'en jokes (eg – Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road? A: To get to the Body Shop!) but you might be surprised to learn how very few good Hallowe'en jokes there are…

 

After the cake there will be Apple Bobbing (I don't know whether the spiders on the apples are real or plastic, but I'm not taking any chances!) 

 

Later on we'll turn off the lights, light a single candle and tell Ghost Stories.

 

I don't doubt that this will be followed by everyone wanting to sleep in my room, with the lights left on all night – not because they're scared, of course, but because they're concerned for the younger children(!)

 

 

THE MYSTERY OF THE HAUNTED BATHROOM

Actually there's no mystery: it's just that Nërp's Hallowee'en make-up and costume is so elaborate that he insists it takes 24 hours to apply.

Consequently, he has commandeered the bathroom as his changing room and no-one is permitted to enter.

 

Polly has been allowed to accompany him to assist with the application of fake blood… at least, I hope it's fake!

 

I won't lie: it's pretty inconvenient not being allowed to use the bathroom until tomorrow, but I suppose I'll just have to grit my teeth, cross my legs and make the sacrifice… 😟

 

 

DIESEL FEELS A BIT BRIGHTER

Following the administration of ½ of my antidepressant tablet, Diesel the Goldfish actu ally seems a bit more cheerful today.

However Wilson – even with Hallowe'en to look forward to – still seems quite down.

I eventually located him huddled in an armchair in a darkened room.

 

We had a bit of a chat, and he said he was really missing the regular and frequent holidays we used to take pre-pandemic.

 

An actual Going Away vacation is currently out of the question, but I promised him I would have a serious think and see if I could come up with anything…

 

As for Diesel, Wilson's friend Arnold has been in touch to suggest a few things that might cheer the little goldfish up.

 

I passed these ideas on to Wilson and he's pottered off to see what he can find on Amazon.

 

He seems pleased by the suggestions as it's always very difficult to know what to buy a goldfish for Xmas…

 

 

HALLOWE'EN PREPARATIONS PART DEUX

I'm afraid Hallowe'en rather crept up on us this year and we've left our preparations a bit late.

There won't be another Tesco delivery before the Big Day, so we've got a bit of a Pumpkin Shortfall!

 

The children are improvising and inventively making do with what we've got.

Banana Jack'o'Lanterns aren't quite the same as Pumpkins, although they are undeniably easier to hollow out!

 

I had a word with Wilson about Diesel's depression, and we've agreed that I should crush ½ of one of my antidepressant tablets and sprinkle it into his bowl.

 

He added that he'd have been more surprised if Diesel hadn't been depressed, as he certainly was.

 

Then he asked if he too could have ½ of one of my antidepressants, but I really don't like to start medicating him – especially since the withdrawal effects are so distressing. ☹️

 

 

MIKKO THE MISERABLE FISH

Ant Wars 2: MIKKO THE MISERABLE FISH

I always think that fish look a bit miserable – it's the way they just swim round and round with their mouths turned down at the corners while they wait to be fed.

 

Even in the wild you rarely see fish smiling.

 

So although Wilson doesn't like the children watching too much daytime tv, he's allowed Diesel the Goldfish to watch a few programmes – just to give him something to do while swimming round in tiny circles.

 

Unfortunately, he saw a feature on This Morning about a fish called Mikko who lives in a Sea Life Centre in Finland – Mikko is allegedly missing seeing visitors during lockdown and has been diagnosed with Clinical Depression.

 

Now Diesel says that he too has clinical depression and he's published a list of 'demands' including, but not limited to: cake, fresh salmon and his own tv – just the same as Mikko.

 

Oh, and for some reason, a Big Mac!

 

Jīqìrén saw the item too (she rarely does anything other than watch tv) and confirmed the gist of the feature, so I suppose we should do something – I'll talk it over with Wilson.

 

 

HALLOWE'EN PREPARATIONS

Okay, I really don't like Hallowe'en… but all the children seem to, so I suppose it would be churlish of me not to let them celebrate it.

However, I have put my foot down about one thing: there will be no Trick-or-Treating this year.

 

We'll just have to think of other ways to have fun…

 

Nërp is in his workshop building a 'Treat-o-Matic' treat vending machine so we don't have to meet any visiting trick-or-treaters in person.

 

Jīqìrén suggested that she could really clean up Treat-wise by threatening to Exterminate reluctant donors with her Death Ray, but Nërp replied that he'd already suggested that strategy and it had sadly been vetoed, as unfortunately, Lethal Force Tricking contravened the Unwritten Rules of Hallowe'en…

 

He's also trying to explain the principles of Hallowe'en to Jīqìrén but it's not easy for him as he has an imperfect understanding of it himself!

 

 

A LATE START

Okay, I admit we made a bit of a late start today, having forgotten that British Summer Time [Daylight Saving] ended last night.

I did feel pretty bad asking Nërp to remove his wind turbine from the back garden after all the work he'd put into it.

 

It's just that it's huge, noisy and a bit of an eye-sore, considering all it's capable of doing is charging Nërp himself, Wilson's iPhone and what used to be my iPad.

 

Also some of the neighbours have been dropping hints that they're not too keen on it, so I'm afraid it's got to go! ☹️

 

Wilson went out to 'supervise' and he had Polly and Billi on standby in their nurses' uniforms in case of accident.

 

Having expected such great things (aka high profits) Wilson also feeling quite low about the failure of the project, but tried to cheer me up by telling me that Hallowe'en is less than a week away – I didn't like to remind him how much I dislike Hallowe'en…

 

 

WAIT, WHAT?

At first, I didn't believe Wilson, but Nërp confirmed that his huge and noisy wind turbine supplied electricity – Nërptricity – to the house at a mere 5 volts and a maximum current of a puny 0.75 Watts.

Sensing my surprise, Nërp asked me what I had been expecting, and I told him that I had assumed 240 volts and 13 amps per outlet.

 

Nërp was aghast! 

 

'240V?' he shrieked, '13A? Are you trying to kill us all?'

 

I pointed out that everyone in the UK received 240V at 13A and very few people were being killed by it, but he shuffled off shaking his head while threatening to write a very stiff letter to the Health and Safety Executive…

 

Turning to Wilson I explained, 'We'd need to replace all our appliances: the TV, the toaster, the kettle, the computers – everything!'

 

He asked whether, when we replaced the TV for a five-volt model, we could buy one with a bigger screen, but I said that replacing anything was completely out of the question.

 

 

COMPLETION

Nërp has finished testing his Wind Turbine and signed-off on the project.

He met Wilson in the Library and formally handed over a lot of cable and an extension lead, saying it now only remained to convert the house wiring to 5 volts and the wall sockets to USB outlets and we would be running on 100% Green Electricity!

 

Or as he calls it, Nërptricity.

 

Wilson thanked him for his valuable work and came to find me to explain what came next…

 

I hadn't appreciated that there would be a 'Next' – I had naïvely assumed we'd just start selling our surplus electricity to the Electric Company for a handsome profit and otherwise carry on as usual…

 

Anyway, Nërp has been working on this for so long, I wouldn't be surprised if [ie I'm really hoping] he takes a long break now to recover; I might even suggest he try to hibernate until Xmas!

 

 

FREE NERPTRICITY BADGE

Nërp is so confident of the success of his latest (massive and a bit noisy) turbine that he is proceeding with his advertising campaign and even giving away free promotional pin badges!

He says that he will sign-off the project tomorrow, and we can start enjoying our free electricity while selling the excess back to the power company – brilliant!

 

I hope this isn't, well… too good to be true? 

 

I keep fearing there may be some downside that Nërp hasn't explained to us, but I'm probably being paranoid.

 

I'm sure it will all be excellent, and Wilson is really looking forward to tomorrow's hand-over and subsequent profits! 🤞

 

 

BRUCE LACEY

So, not GeoThermal Energy after all, but foundations!

I don't know whether Nërp realised he was quoting the late, great Bruce Lacey* when he shouted, 'Electricity – I must have more ELECTRICITY!' but if he doesn't get enough from his latest turbine design, he'd better give up.

 

It must be almost as large as the windmills you see in off-shore wind farms – but when it's in your own back garden, it looks about a hundred times bigger!

 

The mast supporting the Jumbo Jet-sized propeller is enormous – no wonder it needed such deep foundations!

 

Also, the Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh noise it makes as it turns is a tiny bit annoying!

However, on the bright side, Nërp has assured me that he will be completing and signing-off his Green Energy project in the next couple of days – phew!

—

*Bruce Lacey: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruce_Lacey

 

 

GOING UNDERGROUND

Nërp is digging a very large hole in the garden, but he says he'd prefer not to discuss its purpose.

I assume he's embarrassed to admit that he's given up on his project to harness wind power and is instead in search of GeoThermal Energy – the extraction of heat from underground and its subsequent conversion into electricity.

 

I expect he's invented some super-efficient Fuel Cell for the conversion process!

This puts me in mind of when Nërp dug Wilson's doomed BitCoin Mine… except that this hole seems even deeper!

 

Speaking of Wilson, you may be wondering what he's getting up to while Nërp is working on his Green Energy Initiative – I'm afraid he's just planning how to spend the money we make from selling our excess energy back to the electric company…

 

 

NËRPTRICITY

Nërp is so confident that his latest wind turbine will be a great success that he has already started advertising his Green Electricity!

I have a sneaking suspicion that Wilson, beguiled by the promise of high returns, might be bankrolling this advertising campaign… using my Visa card, obviously!

 

Nërp has explained to me that although he is advertising this as Green Energy, it will, in fact, be available in several other colours!

 

Okay, I'm now officially lost for words…

 

 

SIZE MATTERS

Following yesterday's 'disappointing' test results, Nërp has determined that the only way to increase efficiency is by increasing the size of his wind turbine, something he calls 'The economy of scale'.

 

He's back in his workshop 'fabricating' something while making a very considerable noise – I might be wrong, but in my mind 'fabricating' might imply something pretty large…

 

I can hear a lot of welding and riveting going on, and I'm a tiny bit, well… concerned!