MAKE YOUR OWN READYMADES

Sales of Wilson's 'R. Mutt' postcards have been disappointing. 

Actually he sold only one – to me – and I was disappointed!

Never one to be disheartened, he is now marketing Marcel Duchamp ReadyMade Kits – which consist of a sheet of sticky labels printed 'R. Mutt' which you can stick onto… well, anything you like, and thus have an iconic and valuable work of art in your own home.

I confess I can't quite get my head around how sticking a label on something mysteriously transforms it into 'Art', yet Byron – who understands these things – endorses this bizarre scheme. 

For some unfathomable reason, both boys suggest a good place to start would be to stick one of these labels on the outside of your toilet bowl…

I've seen these labels and I must warn you that they're not even self-adhesive – you have to spray your own glue on the back of the sheet. 

Wilson justifies this by saying, 'Making Art is supposed to be difficult – if it were easy, everyone would do it!' and recommends 3M PhotoMount for 'extra stickability'…

R. MUTT

I suppose it was only a matter of time before Wilson discovered Marcel Duchamp and his infamous 'readymades'.

This, he tells me, is a picture postcard of a hitherto unknown work, signed R. Mutt but attributed to Marcel Duchamp.

Attributed, needless to say, by Wilson.

Duchamp died in 1968, while the Betamax cassette, which this postcard appears to show, did not appear until 1975, but let's not split hairs – Duchamp was ahead of his time in the art world, maybe he was also a time traveller…

Wilson says he has a 'strictly limited' quantity of these postcards which he is willing to part with for a 'trifling sum'.

I'd be extremely surprised if £5 didn't secure you one, but do be aware that when Wilson talks about a 'limited edition' this usually means as many as he can print before the printer runs out of ink…

BOYHOOD OF VERMILINGUA

While they wait for orders to pour in for Original Warhol Prints, Wilson and his brother have taken another dive into the dressing-up box to re-create yet another classic painting from the past.

It appears that more and more people are doing this in an effort to relieve the monotony of lockdown and daytime tv, but I bet not many have re-created The Boyhood of Raleigh with such style, flair, elan, brio, self-assurance and downright panache as this!

Honestly, if Sir Walter Raleigh had been an anteater, I bet this is EXACTLY how he and his brother would have looked when John Everett Millais painted them.

In the original painting Millais used his sons as models; it might have been difficult to source willing anteater models in 19th Century Devon – but it would have created a sensation when shown at the

Royal Academy!

ORIGINAL WARHOL PRINTS FOR SALE

Wilson has a 'strictly limited' edition of what he insists are Warhol screen-prints for sale.

I asked him how much he wanted for one, but apparently all the best auction houses don't tell you the price, you have to apply – a sure sign that I can't afford one!

I was a little afraid that he might be accused of forgery or passing off, so I asked how he could sell them as genuine Andy Warhol prints when I'd watched him printing them only yesterday, and he drew my attention to the signature.

'Andy Warhol' I read aloud, but once he'd passed me a magnifying glass I could just make out that it had been subtly modified to read 'Antsy Warhol.' 

Touching the side of his snout with one claw, he whispered, 'Antsy was my graffiti nom d'artiste…'

I don't doubt that when Wilson fails to sell any of them we'll finish up with one gracing the living room wall… and the rest stowed in the spare bedroom.

Should you be sufficiently misguided to buy one of these 'future heirlooms', he cautions you to handle it with great care – partly because they're priceless cultural icons and partly because the ink is still a bit wet in places.

SCREEN PRINTING FOR FUN AND PROFIT…

… but mostly, I suspect, profit.

Two days ago Wilson hadn't heard of Andy Warhol and didn't know what screen-printing was. Today he has converted the kitchen into a screen-printing studio (he calls it The Factory) and he's turning out 'multiples'.

I must say it looks a very messy business, and it doesn't help that Wilson's dark glasses are so dark, nor that his Andy Warhol wig keeps sliding down over his eyes… yet he refuses to work without them.

Byron is doing his best to help, yet Wilson still manages to get ink, well, everywhere.

I asked Wilson if he really expected to get rich selling screen-prints. He removed his shades and replied, 'I find your lack of faith disturbing!'

After adjusting his wig and added, 'I’m just a simple anteater trying to make my way in the universe…'

Tomorrow, expect to be offered an Original Warhol Print – at an eye-watering price!

ANDY WARHOL

Wilson has only recently become aware of iconic 60s Pop Artist Andy Warhol.

I think what might have attracted his attention was Warhol's estimated $220 million net worth.

Whichever way you look at it, that's £176 million (€200 million), and far in excess of Wilson's immediate needs…

I predict that Wilson will be Googling 'Screen printing for beginners' very soon
_____

📣 In other news: Congratulations to the Bees 🐝 Polly and 🐝 Billi on their 🔔 SIXTH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY! 🔔
🎂 🐝 🎉 🍷 🎶 🐜 🍸 🍾
Where does the time go?

LIBRARY UPGRADE

Following the Bees' Dance Class yesterday Wilson did briefly Waggle Dance, but quickly complained that it gave him a 'stitch' and he had to sit down and sleep for the rest of the day.

When he finally woke he admitted that he did feel fitter, happier and lighter, although that was doubtless from the doze.

Today though, he and Byron have been busy in the Library performing what they call a Reading Room Refurbishment. 

I asked whether any structural work would be involved – demolition of walls for instance – but Wilson assured me that all the modifications would be cosmetic, involving nothing more than a small screwdriver.

Reassured that Planning Permission would not be required, I foolishly assumed that they'd be putting up a new shelf or rearranging the books.

When I was invited in to admire their work, my supposition turned out to be some distance from the truth.

BEES' BLOG – LOCKDOWN FUN

Hello, we are 🐝 Polly and  🐝 Billi the Bees, this is our Guest Blog and we'd like to wish you a Very Happy Mayday!

Lockdown is no fun for anyone – Wilson and his brother Byron have put on some weight, Wilson's New Dad has constantly got his head in the fridge and even we have put on a few grams!

But when the sun is shining there's nothing like a bit of exercise to help you feel fitter, happier and lighter – and the best kind of exercise is dancing!

As you know, we bees are famous for doing the Waggle Dance, and now we're going to teach you how to Waggle Dance like Bees!

We're always waggle-dancing in the garden, but we realise it might be easier for you to understand the moves if you watched some humans doing it, so just take a look at this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Of0uRvQ7CYE

You don't have to wear deely-boppers, but it really does help!
Come on now, all together, one, two, three, four and

Waggle Waggle Waggle Waggle Waggle, and,
Waggle Waggle Waggle Waggle Waggle,

and rest. 

Take a moment to catch your breath, because you're probably not used to working as hard as bees!

So we've been the Bees and we'll see you all again next month. Until then, KEEEEEEEP WAGGLE-DANCING!

FREE GIFT

It's now several years since Wilson (somewhat grudgingly) agreed to allow Polly and Billi the Bees to guest host his Blog on the first day of every month.

While he doesn't really approve of bees blogging, he is an anteater of his word and wouldn't dream of reneging on his promise… although he does his best to discourage people from reading what the bees have to say, fearing that it dilutes the purity of his own message.

Anyway, today he has something for you, which he describes as a consolation gift to make up for not being able to read what he would have said tomorrow if he weren't graciously giving way to the bees.

It's a couple of badges commemorating the stoical manner in which you handled the shortage of toilet paper and pasta during the early days of lockdown.

I hope your supplies ARE now restored to normal, otherwise this might appear a rather… well, insensitive gift.
_______

The Bees have mentioned that they've got something special planned for tomorrow – something they've never blogged about before which is guaranteed keep you cheerful during lockdown.

From past experience, I'd advise you to manage your expectations and not get too excited…

Ant Wars 2: ARTISTS IN RESIDENCE: DEAD POPE PART TWO

Taking care not to dislodge his Papal Pretiosa Byron slowly sat up and, resting his back against the Malign Meteor, took up the commentary. 

'Wilson's account,' he began, 'while entertaining, was not entirely accurate. First exhibited in 1999 at the Kunsthalle Basel, La Nona Hora (which actually means "The Ninth Hour" – the supposed hour of Christ's death) was later shown in Warsaw at the Zacheta Gallery.' 

He paused briefly to adjust his hat, then continued, 'Poland is 85 per cent Roman Catholic, and at the Zacheta Gallery it caused a real shitstorm: two members of Poland’s Parliament removed the rock from on top of the wax Pope and tried to stand the figure upright. 

'After the controversy had died down a bit, the artist avoided any specific interpretation of the work and modestly advised that “La Nona Ora could simply be a bad joke taken too seriously, an exercise in absurdity […] In the end it is only a piece of wax.”'

I was very impressed by Byrons commentary and gave him a generous tip. 

Whatever you may think of this blog, you can't say it's not educational!

ARTISTS IN RESIDENCE: DEAD POPE

A few days ago the sTone Brothers set the bar pretty high with their artwork Sunny Side Up but Wilson and Byron are determined not to be outdone.

Making our way to the entrance of Vermilingua Contemporary Wilson tried to prepare me for what I was about to see. 

'The original of this work, La Nona Hora (1999) by Maurizio Cattelan,' he explained, 'was actually a Sculpture made to commemorate the tragic death of Pope Jean-Luc II who died when he was hit on the head by a meteor in 1999. The title is a terrible Italian Curse which when translated means "Your Grandmother is a…"' 

He trailed off into silence, blushed, coughed and continued, 'Well, it doesn't really matter what the translation means, but the original was recently sold for $3 million – which is why we have a recreation here rather than the original, skilfully recreated by internationally-acclaimed performance artist Byron Vermilingua!'

As I entered the gallery space I saw Wilson's brother Byron, wearing the hat Wilson bought when he applied to be Pope, lying unconscious on the floor. I ran over to him and asked, 'Byron, are you all right?'

Wilson stopped me, saying that this was, in fact, the artwork. 

'It depicts the actual moment the Pope is killed in an act of Divine Retributi…'

Wilson's commentary was cut short by the sudden arrival of Uncle Zoltan bearing a message from The Bees.

'An order has poured in for one of your Boris Johnson Dartboards,' he announced. 'Better late than never, I suppose, but Ms Polly says you'd better come and deal with it.'

Wilson asked Byron to continue the narrative of La Nona Hora and rushed back to the house.

TO BE CONTINUED…

THINGS TO DO AFTER LOCKDOWN

This morning when I went into the kitchen I found Wilson and Byron drawing up a list of things to do once lockdown has been lifted.

It's a short list, and doesn't include any of the things I'm looking forward to doing once I'm allowed to leave the house, but I suppose anteaters have different priorities…

In other news, Wilson is still making (slow) progress on his Musical Theatre production Wilson and the Amazing Big Coat. 

He's currently writing (ie changing some of the words from the original) 'The Brothers Came To Uckfield', 'Wilson's Dream Explained' and 'Poor Poor Byron'.

Wilson promised 'catchy feel-good songs' – none of these sounds very catchy, but I'm not familiar with the originals, and while I can't see this being the blockbusting commercial success Wilson is hoping for, it is keeping him out of mischief!

EUROVISION FOR ROBOTS

This morning Wilson was bemoaning the fact that because of the Covid-19 Pandemic there would be no Eurovision Song Contest this year.

Nërp replied that the VPRO Eurovision was still on and, although he realised it wasn't quite the same, maybe it would be better than nothing.

'VPRO?' Wilson demanded, 'What's that?'

Nërp explained that it was the system hosting Eurovision AI – the Eurovision for Robots.

'Songs are composed and performed by Artificial Intelligence,' he continued, 'then voted on for Lyrics, Originality and Eurovision-ness. It's very good!'

Nërp says that you can hear and vote on the entries here: 

https://www.vprobroadcast.com/titles/ai-songcontest.html

Everyone immediately trooped into the living-room where Nërp beamed the website to the tv where we watched Eurovision-AI together. 

It was… well… different.

When everyone had finished voting, Wilson gave his opinion: 'Politically naïve but clearly pushing the epistemological parameters of art as a construct of reality.'

This is exactly what he said about the sTone Brothers' installation piece – I wonder whether he's been reading Pseud's Corner in Private Eye?

BUBBLES

This morning Wilson explained why he chose a picture of a polar bear on an ice floe for Pterry to colour in yesterday: it was so all his 'best crayons' wouldn't get used up!

Following another rummage in the dressing-up box, Wilson is proud to present: Bubbles (AKA A Child's World) the classic 1886 painting by Sir John Everett Millais.

Millais was a serious painter of great repute, but Bubbles is best known for having been used to advertise soap.

The child in the original painting is William Milbourne James, who grew up to become an Admiral in the Royal Navy – but was known as Bubbles for the rest of his life!

I fear if lockdown lasts much longer you'll have a lot more of these Classics Revisited to look forward to…

Please don't forget to bring some cheer(?) into your friends' lives by sharing this link with them: https://antwars2.blogspot.com/

HOUSE ARREST

For a dinosaur, Pterry seems excessively timid. 

Fearful.

Faint-hearted even. 

He doesn't like to go out, but strangely he's now started to resent the fact that he CAN'T go out – he says it's like living under house arrest.

In an attempt to distract him from this situation, Wilson has brought out his crayons and downloaded a picture for Pterry to colour in – although I do question W's choice of picture: a Polar Bear on an Ice Floe. 

In one sense – being a white animal on a white background – it's already coloured in; moreover, there's not even a white crayon in the box so Pterry could pretend to colour it in…
_____

If YOU feel like you're under house arrest, chances are your friends will be too! Why not send this link to at least one of your friends today:
https://antwars2.blogspot.com/
It might cheer them up, and even if it doesn't they've nothing better to do – and it would make Wilson very happy!

ARTISTS IN RESIDENCE – SUNNY SIDE UP

After the recent attempt on Uncle Zoltan's life, I have had a stern talk with Wilson and he has agreed that in future he will temper his artistic endeavours where Uncle Z is concerned.

Even the sTone Brothers – who live in the garden 24/7 and never go out anyway – claim to be going stir-crazy, so things are clearly getting serious.

To cheer them up, Wilson has awarded them Artist In Residence status at the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery, and they've come up with this original piece all on their own – although they needed some help in blowing up the balloon, obviously.

Wilson describes the completed piece as 'Politically naïve but clearly pushing the epistemological parameters of art as a construct of reality' which can't be bad!

Personally, I think it's funny and cheerful –

exactly what we need in these weird and worrying times!

WILSON AND THE AMAZING BIG SUIT – A MUSICAL

Wilson is trying to put the recent unpleasantness with Uncle Zoltan behind him by throwing himself into a new Musical Theatre project.

Despite considerable evidence to the contrary, he still believes he's got a major musical in him, and is basing this new work on his latest musical hero, David Byrne.

He's in the middle of re-writing the Talking Heads classic Life During Wartime by changing the words to Life During Lockdown but leaving it otherwise substantially unchanged.

He says that Wilson And The Amazing Big Coat will be the 'Ideal musical for the Year of the Virus' as it's filled with catchy feel-good songs – although none of them have actually been written yet.

I hope he never attempts a rework of GodSpell – I once had to walk out of a theatre performance of the original and I really don't think I could handle FlyingSpaghettiMonsterSpell…

ONE THOUSAND YEARS

As Cabin Fever starts to kick in, I've suggested to Wilson that he might try to involve the family in some kind of artistic activity to distract them from lockdown.

After a moment's thought, he said he would find positions for everyone in his Virtual Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery – starting with Uncle Zoltan.

He is going to ask Uncle Z to help him recreate Damian Hirst's 1000 years installation piece.

I was pleased to see W attempting a rapprochement with the truculent hornet as their relationship in the past has always been a difficult and hostile one.

Only later did I begin to wonder why Wilson had immediately chosen irascible and belligerent Uncle Z for his first project…

After only a few moments research I learned that the original 1000 Years consists of a glass tank, live flies and an Insect-o-Cutor machine!

I rushed into the kitchen to tell Wilson to cease work on this immediately!

He was reluctant to stop at such an advanced stage of construction, until I asked him how he proposed to explain Uncle Zoltan's untimely death to his nieces Polly and Billi…

TALKING ANTS

Wilson has been doing some extensive research into the band Talking Heads and has learned two things:

1) he really fancies the bass player – the lovely Tina Weymouth,
and
2) he thinks the Stop Making Sense-era Big Suit worn by David Byrne is the most wonderful garment he's seen since Leonard Cohen's Fedora.

He was so taken by it that he asked Polly if she could run him up something similar on her little sewing machine – and here is the result!

He's been strutting round the house in it all day, complaining that he can't go out and show it off to Uckfield because of the lockdown.

He insists that he's going to start his own band called Talking Ants – it's a nice idea, but I wonder whether its time might have passed in the intervening 30-odd years since Talking Heads disbanded?

NEW ACQUISITION – DAN FLAVIN

Once again Wilson is trying to maintain the Cultural Life of Uckfield without putting you at risk from Covid-19 by having me take a photo of his latest acquisition.

Wilson was almost beside himself with excitement as he helped me carry my camera and tripod to the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery.

'It's a Dan Flavin!' he told me breathlessly, 'You're going to love it! I mean really LOVE it!'

I'm quite familiar with Wilson expecting me to love something about which I'm actually quite indifferent, but I tried to keep an open mind, and after handing over my admission fee I entered the gallery space where the first thing I saw was a fluorescent light fitting leaning against the wall.

'That's nice!' I remarked, 'You're putting in some new lighting – it looks a lot brighter now which means it will be easier to take this photo! Now, where is this famous Dan Flavin work?'

To give him his due, Wilson did look a bit embarrassed as he explained, 'This is it – you're looking at it.'

'It's a fluorescent light!' I said.

'No flies on you, New Dad!' he replied, adding, 'Fluorescent Lights were Dan Flavin's Medium – his Palette, if you will. This piece is "The Diagonal of May 25, 1963"'

'Just out of curiosity,' I asked, 'where did you get it from?'

'City Electrical Factors in the village,' he replied, 'They assured me that Mr Flavin – or Dan as they know him – is always in and out buying lights just like this!'