Wilson is getting bored and has raided the Dressing-Up Box...
31/03/2020
ARCHITECT'S SKETCH
Jīqìrén this morning presented Wilson with her Architect's Sketch for the renovation of his Asteroid Shelter.
It was very impressive, showing a beautifully furnished area many times larger than the current structure.
There's no doubt that Wilson was impressed, asking many probing questions about various details.
Finally, he asked the crucial question. 'Have you costed this?'
'I think you could bring it in for a couple of hundred K, if you didn't go overboard with the air recycling and wall art,' she replied.
Wilson was aghast! 'A couple of hundred K?' he demanded, 'What, two hundred thousand English pounds?'
'Pounds sterling, obviously. Plus VAT,' the android replied, adding, 'It would sound a lot more in Yen!'
Wilson shuffled his feet awkwardly and cleared his throat a few times before finally asking, 'Do you think we could do anything for about, um… well, £25?
Jīqìrén silently closed her sketchbook and walked away, while Wilson poured himself his first Quarantini of the day…
It was very impressive, showing a beautifully furnished area many times larger than the current structure.
There's no doubt that Wilson was impressed, asking many probing questions about various details.
Finally, he asked the crucial question. 'Have you costed this?'
'I think you could bring it in for a couple of hundred K, if you didn't go overboard with the air recycling and wall art,' she replied.
Wilson was aghast! 'A couple of hundred K?' he demanded, 'What, two hundred thousand English pounds?'
'Pounds sterling, obviously. Plus VAT,' the android replied, adding, 'It would sound a lot more in Yen!'
Wilson shuffled his feet awkwardly and cleared his throat a few times before finally asking, 'Do you think we could do anything for about, um… well, £25?
Jīqìrén silently closed her sketchbook and walked away, while Wilson poured himself his first Quarantini of the day…
29/03/2020
THE ANTEATER WHO CAME TO TEA
Having briefly distanced himself from the problem of what to plagiarise next, Wilson's subconscious brain has up with an answer: The Anteater Who Came To Tea.
Although of course, a cute anteater turning up on one's doorstep might not cause quite the same alarm and panic as a hungry carnivore demanding food, it might nevertheless be a little… disconcerting.
I've read the original of this book a thousand times to my own children, and I enjoyed the very sympathetic animated adaptation over Xmas, so I was a little concerned about what Wilson would do with it – but actually he's done a really Bang-On job!
Sophie, her Father (still preoccupied with his beer), the night-time trip to the café, Sophie visiting the shops with her Mum to buy a big tin of Anteater Food in case the anteater ever returns – all have been handled very sympathetically.
_____
Here is an interesting article about the author of the ORIGINAL book, The TIGER Who Came To Tea:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-25027090
Although of course, a cute anteater turning up on one's doorstep might not cause quite the same alarm and panic as a hungry carnivore demanding food, it might nevertheless be a little… disconcerting.
I've read the original of this book a thousand times to my own children, and I enjoyed the very sympathetic animated adaptation over Xmas, so I was a little concerned about what Wilson would do with it – but actually he's done a really Bang-On job!
Sophie, her Father (still preoccupied with his beer), the night-time trip to the café, Sophie visiting the shops with her Mum to buy a big tin of Anteater Food in case the anteater ever returns – all have been handled very sympathetically.
_____
Here is an interesting article about the author of the ORIGINAL book, The TIGER Who Came To Tea:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-25027090
27/03/2020
CLAPPING FOR CARERS
A few minutes before eight o'clock yesterday evening we all trooped out onto the front porch to "Clap for Carers" – a show of support for the NHS, its Staff, and all health workers and caregivers.
We were joined by several neighbours at their own front doors and we all clapped, cheered and whooped until our hands hurt from clapping – when we could hear distant applause and cheering coming from all around the estate and the village.
Diesel the Goldfish blew copious bubbles, and even curmudgeonly Uncle Zoltan cheered and threw his top hat into the air…
After a few minutes, we returned inside and reflected on what had just happened.
It had been a strangely moving and bonding experience and Wilson, wiping a tear from his eye, confessed to feeling 'Totes Emosh…' – a feeling echoed by several of the others.
WE ❤️❤️❤️ our NHS!
We were joined by several neighbours at their own front doors and we all clapped, cheered and whooped until our hands hurt from clapping – when we could hear distant applause and cheering coming from all around the estate and the village.
Diesel the Goldfish blew copious bubbles, and even curmudgeonly Uncle Zoltan cheered and threw his top hat into the air…
After a few minutes, we returned inside and reflected on what had just happened.
It had been a strangely moving and bonding experience and Wilson, wiping a tear from his eye, confessed to feeling 'Totes Emosh…' – a feeling echoed by several of the others.
WE ❤️❤️❤️ our NHS!
26/03/2020
25/03/2020
ASTEROID SHELTER VISIT
Wilson is having trouble thinking of Classic Children's Books which he can easily update – I suppose he's suffering from Plagiarist's Block.
To give his subconscious mind a chance to solve this complex conundrum, this morning he took Nërp's niece Jīqìrén for a tour of his Asteroid Shelter, thinking she would be amazed by his awesome structure.
She was not.
Actually she said that she'd 'Rather be hit by an asteroid than spend any time in this bleak and cheerless cave!'
Wilson was a bit taken aback by this, but before he could protest she continued, 'You are SUCH a boy!' which W at first thought was a compliment – but it wasn't.
'You haven't even got any matching cushion covers. Typical! An armchair and a tv and you're satisfied.'
Wilson tried to explain that a lack of matching cushion covers was secondary to saving your life, but Jīqìrén took a different view of the austere accommodation, announcing that she would design a complete decorative and architectural overhaul of the structure for his approval.
Whoever would have guessed that a young Taiwanese Robot would have such a highly developed sense of aesthetics and interior design?
So unlike her Uncle Nërp!
To give his subconscious mind a chance to solve this complex conundrum, this morning he took Nërp's niece Jīqìrén for a tour of his Asteroid Shelter, thinking she would be amazed by his awesome structure.
She was not.
Actually she said that she'd 'Rather be hit by an asteroid than spend any time in this bleak and cheerless cave!'
Wilson was a bit taken aback by this, but before he could protest she continued, 'You are SUCH a boy!' which W at first thought was a compliment – but it wasn't.
'You haven't even got any matching cushion covers. Typical! An armchair and a tv and you're satisfied.'
Wilson tried to explain that a lack of matching cushion covers was secondary to saving your life, but Jīqìrén took a different view of the austere accommodation, announcing that she would design a complete decorative and architectural overhaul of the structure for his approval.
Whoever would have guessed that a young Taiwanese Robot would have such a highly developed sense of aesthetics and interior design?
So unlike her Uncle Nërp!
23/03/2020
THESE VIOLENT DELIGHTS
I think Wilson's robot Nërp is happy here.
Ever since he came to live with us we've made him welcome, treated him as an equal and given him anything he could want.
We don't ask him to do many chores (there's no point, really, as he doesn't do them anyway) and he's even got his niece Jīqìrén living with him for company.
I'm asking these questions because I've just watched the first episode of WestWorld Series 3 and while I loved it – very exciting and intriguing – it has made me think.
As a result, I have reached a decision:
Ever since he came to live with us we've made him welcome, treated him as an equal and given him anything he could want.
We don't ask him to do many chores (there's no point, really, as he doesn't do them anyway) and he's even got his niece Jīqìrén living with him for company.
I'm asking these questions because I've just watched the first episode of WestWorld Series 3 and while I loved it – very exciting and intriguing – it has made me think.
As a result, I have reached a decision:
Although for obvious reasons Nërp is really interested in programmes about robots, he must NEVER watch WestWorld series 3…
22/03/2020
21/03/2020
CHILDREN'S CLASSICS UPDATED
Now that Wilson's Art Gallery has been forced into temporary closure, the whole household is in a state of Self Isolation.
In an effort to avoid Cabin Fever Wilson is busy thinking, trying to come up with a new money-making idea to tide him over financially until the gallery re-opens.
So far this is what he's come up with: 'updating' children's classic books.
This puts me strongly in mind of one of his previous literary projects where he simply changed the names of a few characters and re-issued classic novels under new titles…
I'm tempted to ask:
The first of these Classics to undergo the Wilson Treatment is The Cat In The Hat.
I've never much cared for Doctor Seuss, but I'll tell you this: he'd better keep his paws off my personal favourite classic: Winnie-the-Pooh!
In an effort to avoid Cabin Fever Wilson is busy thinking, trying to come up with a new money-making idea to tide him over financially until the gallery re-opens.
So far this is what he's come up with: 'updating' children's classic books.
This puts me strongly in mind of one of his previous literary projects where he simply changed the names of a few characters and re-issued classic novels under new titles…
I'm tempted to ask:
if these books are Timeless Classics, why do they need to be updated?But I think I already know the answer: it's so that Wilson can make some money without having to do too much work…
The first of these Classics to undergo the Wilson Treatment is The Cat In The Hat.
I've never much cared for Doctor Seuss, but I'll tell you this: he'd better keep his paws off my personal favourite classic: Winnie-the-Pooh!
20/03/2020
SCHOOL STRIKE FOR CLIMATE
Ant Wars 2: SKOLSTREJK FÖR KLIMATET
For the duration of the Covid-19 emergency, SchoolStrike has moved on-line!
For the duration of the Covid-19 emergency, SchoolStrike has moved on-line!
19/03/2020
GALLERY TEMPORARILY CLOSED
In view of the Government's recent prohibition on Large Gatherings, and in line with all other major public museums and galleries, Wilson feels he has no alternative but to temporarily close the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery.
I think he's being unnecessarily cautious, as even on its opening day there were very few visitors – just a couple of curious neighbours and a boy delivering leaflets who really only wanted shelter from the rain…
The Gallery will doubtless re-open the moment the Large Gatherings Ban is lifted, as Wilson is desperate to recoup his outlay on the conversion of the Museum into an Art Gallery.
As it happens, I fall into three of the High Risk Categories being instructed to self-isolate, so I'm extremely fortunate in having access to Wilson's personal robot Nërp who, as a non-biological being, is impervious to viruses.
He complains incessantly when asked to actually do anything, but I'm sure he'll come up trumps if Wilson asks him to run any errands and so on…
I think he's being unnecessarily cautious, as even on its opening day there were very few visitors – just a couple of curious neighbours and a boy delivering leaflets who really only wanted shelter from the rain…
The Gallery will doubtless re-open the moment the Large Gatherings Ban is lifted, as Wilson is desperate to recoup his outlay on the conversion of the Museum into an Art Gallery.
As it happens, I fall into three of the High Risk Categories being instructed to self-isolate, so I'm extremely fortunate in having access to Wilson's personal robot Nërp who, as a non-biological being, is impervious to viruses.
He complains incessantly when asked to actually do anything, but I'm sure he'll come up trumps if Wilson asks him to run any errands and so on…
17/03/2020
GALLERY MAKES FRONT PAGE NEWS
Over breakfast Wilson scanned the local paper anxiously in search of any mention of the opening of his Art Gallery – he didn't have far to look as it was the Front Page Story.
Unfortunately, Byron had innocently made an unguarded comment which the reporter (or Mendacious Hack, as Wilson pejoratively referred to him) had seized upon to portray the Gallery's employment policy in a negative light – less Family Business, more Den of Nepotism…
Once he'd read the article he remarked that the Uckfield Observer had always had it in for him, ever since the time they accused him of sheep rustling.
'They'll take any Good News story, and twist it until it shows me in a bad light!' he complained, adding, 'On the plus side, though, at least they have spelled my name right for once.'
Unfortunately, Byron had innocently made an unguarded comment which the reporter (or Mendacious Hack, as Wilson pejoratively referred to him) had seized upon to portray the Gallery's employment policy in a negative light – less Family Business, more Den of Nepotism…
Once he'd read the article he remarked that the Uckfield Observer had always had it in for him, ever since the time they accused him of sheep rustling.
'They'll take any Good News story, and twist it until it shows me in a bad light!' he complained, adding, 'On the plus side, though, at least they have spelled my name right for once.'
15/03/2020
PRESS COVERAGE
Once the Gallery doors had opened, Nërp was despatched to the newsagent's in the village to buy a copy of the Uckfield Examiner, as Wilson was very keen to see if the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery would get a mention in the paper.
Nërp rushed back in a state of great excitement, brandishing the newspaper in the air and shouting that the story was actually on the front page!
Unfortunately, Wilson was by this time too exhausted and 'emotionally drained' by the opening to even glance at it, and it was not until the next day that he had a chance to read and digest the article…
Nërp rushed back in a state of great excitement, brandishing the newspaper in the air and shouting that the story was actually on the front page!
Unfortunately, Wilson was by this time too exhausted and 'emotionally drained' by the opening to even glance at it, and it was not until the next day that he had a chance to read and digest the article…
13/03/2020
GALLERY OPENS TO THE PUBLIC
Everyone is making last-minute preparations as at last Wilson and Byron's Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery opens its doors.
Well, door.
As soon as Byron has finished erecting the signage he'll be going out to the Gallery to give all the display cases a final polish.
Uncle Zoltan is in the gift shop checking his Fisher-Price Cash Register to make sure he doesn't have any 'float' – thus ensuring that he never has to give any change!
Wilson isn't contributing much to the proceedings, being fully occupied with pacing up and down nervously and wondering whether to accept only contactless payment to minimise his chances of infection with the Covid-19 Virus…
He has secretly admitted to me that, what with the Coronavirus Pandemic, this is a less than optimal time to be opening a crowded indoor attraction.
I don't think he needs to worry unduly about that, as I shall be surprised if anyone turns up – and if they do, he's got a good supply of Souvenir Antiseptic Hand Gel available in the Gift Shop…
I haven't mentioned to him that today is also Friday 13th!
Well, door.
As soon as Byron has finished erecting the signage he'll be going out to the Gallery to give all the display cases a final polish.
Uncle Zoltan is in the gift shop checking his Fisher-Price Cash Register to make sure he doesn't have any 'float' – thus ensuring that he never has to give any change!
Wilson isn't contributing much to the proceedings, being fully occupied with pacing up and down nervously and wondering whether to accept only contactless payment to minimise his chances of infection with the Covid-19 Virus…
He has secretly admitted to me that, what with the Coronavirus Pandemic, this is a less than optimal time to be opening a crowded indoor attraction.
I don't think he needs to worry unduly about that, as I shall be surprised if anyone turns up – and if they do, he's got a good supply of Souvenir Antiseptic Hand Gel available in the Gift Shop…
I haven't mentioned to him that today is also Friday 13th!
11/03/2020
CORONAVIRUS PRECAUTIONS
Today is the day Wilson's Vermilingua Contemporary Art Gallery was to have opened to the public.
However, the launch has had to be delayed due to the Coronavirus Pandemic – not because of fears of cross-infection in the confined Gallery space but because Wilson is to undertaking what he vaguely describes as 'Vital Public Health precautionary work'.
He hasn't told me exactly what's involved, but he and Nërp have gone out together to, as Wilson expressed it, 'Save the public from the scourge of Viral Contamination!'
I'm so proud of him for selflessly taking on this work – whatever it is – for the Public Good, without any thought of profit or reward!
I'm sure the Gallery will open as soon as this essential humanitarian work is completed – probably 13 March – but in the meantime, keep washing your hands!
However, the launch has had to be delayed due to the Coronavirus Pandemic – not because of fears of cross-infection in the confined Gallery space but because Wilson is to undertaking what he vaguely describes as 'Vital Public Health precautionary work'.
He hasn't told me exactly what's involved, but he and Nërp have gone out together to, as Wilson expressed it, 'Save the public from the scourge of Viral Contamination!'
I'm so proud of him for selflessly taking on this work – whatever it is – for the Public Good, without any thought of profit or reward!
I'm sure the Gallery will open as soon as this essential humanitarian work is completed – probably 13 March – but in the meantime, keep washing your hands!
09/03/2020
HALF THE AIR IN A GIVEN SPACE
The Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery is due to open to the public in a couple of days, so my conducted tour must sadly draw to a close.
The final display on my visit consisted of a glass case with a couple of balloons in it.
'Balloons With Two Artists' Breath?' I guessed.
'Absolutely not!' Wilson snorted, 'this is a totally different work based on a totally different concept… although I will concede that, like "Balloon With The Artist's Breath" it does feature balloons. This piece, however, is based on an idea by Martin Creed, who half-filled rooms with balloons and made people walk through them.'
He paused while I considered this.
'It's in a small display case,' he continued, because we couldn't afford enough balloons to half-fill a whole room… and we couldn't actually spare a whole room either. It does lose rather a lot of its impact at this scale, I'm afraid.'
The final display on my visit consisted of a glass case with a couple of balloons in it.
'Balloons With Two Artists' Breath?' I guessed.
'Absolutely not!' Wilson snorted, 'this is a totally different work based on a totally different concept… although I will concede that, like "Balloon With The Artist's Breath" it does feature balloons. This piece, however, is based on an idea by Martin Creed, who half-filled rooms with balloons and made people walk through them.'
He paused while I considered this.
'It's in a small display case,' he continued, because we couldn't afford enough balloons to half-fill a whole room… and we couldn't actually spare a whole room either. It does lose rather a lot of its impact at this scale, I'm afraid.'
07/03/2020
OAK TREE
Wilson apologised that, due to 'insurmountable' copyright problems and the fact that the original was currently on long-term loan to the Tate Gallery (who 'churlishly' refused to part with it) the next exhibit was not an original but a replica of the famous work 'Oak Tree' by Michael Craig-Martin.
Comprising as it did a glass of water standing on a glass shelf, I had already mistaken it for a refreshments stop, but Wilson rushed to stop me reaching up to take a sip.
'You can't drink that, New Dad!' he exclaimed, 'not only is it a priceless and iconic work of art, it's not – as you may have understandably but erroneously supposed – a glass of water: it is in fact an oak tree!'
He drew my attention to the descriptive ticket, which confirmed the exhibit to be an oak tree, imaginatively entitled 'Oak Tree'!
Well, who'd have guessed…
Comprising as it did a glass of water standing on a glass shelf, I had already mistaken it for a refreshments stop, but Wilson rushed to stop me reaching up to take a sip.
'You can't drink that, New Dad!' he exclaimed, 'not only is it a priceless and iconic work of art, it's not – as you may have understandably but erroneously supposed – a glass of water: it is in fact an oak tree!'
He drew my attention to the descriptive ticket, which confirmed the exhibit to be an oak tree, imaginatively entitled 'Oak Tree'!
Well, who'd have guessed…
05/03/2020
BALLOON WITH THE ARTIST'S BREATH
Moving on we arrived at another display case – one which at least had the benefit of not being empty.
'This' Wilson explained proudly, 'is a work by up-and-coming Young British Artist Biro! He captured his breath in a balloon and it is exhibited exclusively here in the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery… although there will be replicas available in the Gift Shop… as soon as he's got his breath back.'
By now I was beginning to lose the capacity to be surprised.
Wilson proceeded with his explanation, saying, 'I know what you're thinking, New Dad!'
I seriously doubted that, but he continued, 'You're thinking: "Wait a minute, this has been done before by the famous artist Piero Manzoni and is currently in the collection of the Tate Gallery!" But sadly, the passage of time has reduced Manzoni's original to a sticky, fragile mess.'
That was actually not at all what I had been thinking; I had been remembering Manzoni's most famous/notorious work, 'Merda d' artista' – a piece consisting of a sealed tin can containing a sample of the artist's 💩poo💩. I do hope neither of the boys is considering recreating that work!
Although I recall that one example of 'Merda d' artista' did sell at Christie's recently for £103,250 ($133,021 €121,528) so perhaps I shouldn't rush to judgment…
'This' Wilson explained proudly, 'is a work by up-and-coming Young British Artist Biro! He captured his breath in a balloon and it is exhibited exclusively here in the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery… although there will be replicas available in the Gift Shop… as soon as he's got his breath back.'
By now I was beginning to lose the capacity to be surprised.
Wilson proceeded with his explanation, saying, 'I know what you're thinking, New Dad!'
I seriously doubted that, but he continued, 'You're thinking: "Wait a minute, this has been done before by the famous artist Piero Manzoni and is currently in the collection of the Tate Gallery!" But sadly, the passage of time has reduced Manzoni's original to a sticky, fragile mess.'
That was actually not at all what I had been thinking; I had been remembering Manzoni's most famous/notorious work, 'Merda d' artista' – a piece consisting of a sealed tin can containing a sample of the artist's 💩poo💩. I do hope neither of the boys is considering recreating that work!
Although I recall that one example of 'Merda d' artista' did sell at Christie's recently for £103,250 ($133,021 €121,528) so perhaps I shouldn't rush to judgment…
03/03/2020
EXHIBIT ONE
Passing through the dimly-lit Foyer we moved into the first Gallery, in the centre of which stood an empty display case.
I told them the boys that it looked very nice and asked when they would put their first exhibit inside.
Wilson gave me a withering look and patiently explained that the exhibit was already inside.
I looked again and confirmed to my satisfaction that it was completely empty.
I said, 'Wilson, the display case is completely empty!'
'No it's not!' he replied, 'It contains a Conceptual work called "Miniature Zebra" by James Franco. It's on loan from The Praxis Gallery.'
I turned and stared again into the empty case, but Wilson directed my gaze to a small card affixed to the front, which read:
'Her name's Bennet, by the way' Wilson added helpfully.
I hope I shall understand something before the tour is over…
I told them the boys that it looked very nice and asked when they would put their first exhibit inside.
Wilson gave me a withering look and patiently explained that the exhibit was already inside.
I looked again and confirmed to my satisfaction that it was completely empty.
I said, 'Wilson, the display case is completely empty!'
'No it's not!' he replied, 'It contains a Conceptual work called "Miniature Zebra" by James Franco. It's on loan from The Praxis Gallery.'
I turned and stared again into the empty case, but Wilson directed my gaze to a small card affixed to the front, which read:
❝PraxisI straightened up and shook my head in disbelief.
Miniature Zebra
Adoption, 2011
A non-visible animal has been adopted. The owner picks their name, sex, and even their personality, with registration papers from MONA, which also has a record of all adoptions.
About 10 inches high, looks exactly like a real zebra, it is friendly and loves to sit in your lap. It loves non-visible toys as well as an endless supply of food and treats.
Guaranteed to be friendly and disease-free with all its shots and it lives for ever.❞
'Her name's Bennet, by the way' Wilson added helpfully.
I hope I shall understand something before the tour is over…
01/03/2020
BEES' BLOG – LIKE SENDING BEES TO WAR
Hello, we are Polly and Billi The Bees, and this is our Guest Blog.
As though things weren't already bad enough for us bees, we've just learned something terrible about a popular and seemingly-innocuous product which you may even have in your store cupboard or pantry: ALMOND MILK.
Friends of the Earth have worked out that
___________________________
INTERNATIONAL ANT DAY
Today was also International Ant Day, so Wilson and Byron took a day off from preparing the Gallery to observe the Traditional Rite of finding the First Ant of Spring.
Byron won, and was crowned Ant King of Uckfield!
Wilson took it quite well, considering that this is the first time he's lost since moving here (actually, this is the first time he's had any competition) saying, 'At least we kept it in the family!'
After a moment's reflection he added, 'Village Life has made me soft, New Dad – I've lost my Drive, my
Need To Win…'
As though things weren't already bad enough for us bees, we've just learned something terrible about a popular and seemingly-innocuous product which you may even have in your store cupboard or pantry: ALMOND MILK.
https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2020/jan/07/honeybees-deaths-almonds-hives-aoe
Friends of the Earth have worked out that
“Within just one human generation, the odds for bumblebee survival have dropped by an average of more than 30%”So, we've been The Bees and we'll see you all again next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD, think twice before you buy any Almond Milk… and don't forget this allegedly important announcement from Wilson's New Dad:
___________________________
INTERNATIONAL ANT DAY
Today was also International Ant Day, so Wilson and Byron took a day off from preparing the Gallery to observe the Traditional Rite of finding the First Ant of Spring.
Byron won, and was crowned Ant King of Uckfield!
Wilson took it quite well, considering that this is the first time he's lost since moving here (actually, this is the first time he's had any competition) saying, 'At least we kept it in the family!'
After a moment's reflection he added, 'Village Life has made me soft, New Dad – I've lost my Drive, my
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