The boys were making their way home in a pretty despondent mood when, a little way down a side road off the High Street, Nërp noticed an empty shop.
He pointed it out to Wilson and Byron, and they all went to take a closer look.
When they arrived back home, Wilson told me excitedly that they’d all fallen in love with this place – it suited their needs perfectly, looked nice and, moreover, it was in a good area.
W explained to me that it was definitely in a ‘heavy footfall, up-market quarter,’ not only because of the other, totally non-derelict shops either side but also because he’d seen ‘affluent’ pedestrians walking past.
I promised I’d give the Estate Agent a call tomorrow to see how much it would cost to lease the place for a week.
I think Wilson and Byron are becoming a little bit disheartened as their search for commercial premises turns up yet another clunker.
Their latest find, judging by its name, might have been a Vape Shop in a previous life – I sincerely hope that’s not what the boys are intending to open!
Nor a Tattoo Parlour – in fact, the list of things I hope they’re not going to do is long, and getting longer every day…
Nërp, however, retains a generally positive outlook, apparently undismayed by the procession of derelict properties he is asked to appraise each day.
I suppose as an AI he doesn’t have the Emotional Involvement that effects humans and anteaters – an attitude which I sometimes think has much to commend it.
To celebrate yesterday’s birth of the new Royal Prince, here is a photo of Wilson (or Boo, as he was then called) as a newborn.
Following a falling-out with HM The Queen Wilson isn’t much of a Royalist, but he has been to the village Betting Shop to place a couple of wagers on the baby prince’s name: he’s got 50p on Dylan, and another 50p on Baby McBabyface.
That’s £1 he’ll never see again, although he did get exceedingly good odds!
Wilson has gone back into town with Byron and Nërp in search of Suitable Premises for their new enterprise.
Unfortunately, they’ve returned to the less savoury end of town where they say property will be cheaper (I can well believe that!) although still entirely out of their financial reach.
The appeal of the place they’ve just come across – which appears to be in even worse state than their last find, “Arcade Heaven” – seems to be that it comes complete with an illuminated sign. I think it’s more likely that the sign has just been dumped outside the shop and abandoned.
Nërp, having promised me he’d keep an eye on the boys, is by turns pleading with, and ordering them, to leave The Badlands district, but so far without success.
Wilson Is Not For Turning…
Last night we all spent a long time discussing whether or not we should purchase the derelict Amusement Arcade the boys found – and I think we’re in agreement that we should not proceed with that venture.
Phew!
Right now Wilson and Byron are relaxing in the garden with some of the children, while Nërp recharges his battery indoors (so as not to overheat in the sun – he’s already too hot to touch).
W + B are having a whispered discussion, so I fear their next project – whatever it is – is still on the cards, and they’ve already told me they plan to return to Property Hunting tomorrow.
I have suggested that they go to a nicer part of town – they obviously can’t afford to buy any property, so at least they can not afford somewhere salubrious rather than not affording somewhere frightful!
I’ve just had the most extraordinary phone call from Wilson, asking whether I could lend him ‘a few thousand pounds’ as he’s come across a ‘unique business opportunity’.
He explained that he’d found a derelict Amusement Arcade – it wasn’t what he’d been looking for, but he says it’s a once-in-a-lifetime chance which is too good to pass up. Apparently it’s even got a few amusement machines left inside.
His plan is to buy the arcade, paint it up a bit then re-open it as a Family Business ‘for all of us’.
I can see only too clearly how this would pan out: I’d spend my entire life confined in the Change Kiosk while Wilson, Byron and all their friends played on the slots. For free.
Judging by the exterior, the most modern machine in there is probably Pac-Man… or possibly even Pong.
I’m afraid he’s going to have to miss this ‘unmissable’ opportunity after all…
Once Wilson’s ‘G-Team’ had completed their Graffiti Masterpiece (actually, I did think it was pretty cool) they wandered off to take a look around what I think of as Uckfield’s ‘Badlands’.
The first thing they noticed was that there were a lot of commercial premises lying vacant, which for some reason caused them some excitement.
Every town or village has an area where shoppers don’t visit and businesses don’t prosper, and Uckfield is no different.
It’s a shame, but once a couple of concerns fail, the rest soon follow suit and before long there’s a Ghost Town of deserted shops. I hope Wilson isn’t considering renting one of these abandoned and desolate properties!
While I have no idea what they might be planning, I DO know I probably won’t like it…
Wilson has headed off with what he has started calling his G-Team to what I can only describe as one of the less salubrious areas of the village, where he plans to immortalise two of his greatest musical heroes in spray paint – Peter Dawson and Bob Dylan.
I never thought I’d say this, but I’m relying on Nërp to keep the boys safe and out of trouble in Uckfield’s ‘Badlands’ – he can seem quite intimidating if you're unused to humanoid robots…
Wilson had just asked Byron to investigate the possibility of opening a “WILSON & BIRO” ice cream stand at the zoo when he noticed Uncle Zoltan on the bird table acting suspiciously.
W asked him what he was up to, and Uncle Z replied that he is now in what he calls ‘The Real Estate Game.’
‘You’ll never make a Million selling ice-cream!’ he mocked, ‘Property is the way forward! Ice cream? Pah – don’t make me laugh!’
In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Uncle Z laugh*. Or even smile, come to that.
Wilson is furious, but I think what outrages him the most is that he didn’t think of it first…
__________
* Oh, I tell a lie – there was the time Wilson got his head stuck in a megaphone and had to be driven to the hospital to have it removed. THAT made Uncle Z laugh…
Wilson and Byron spent most of the morning counting the profits from their Ice Cream Enterprise.
Total income amounts to £66.50 and Wilson has calculated that at this rate it will take him only 41 years to earn his first £Million.
That’s if he doesn’t split it with Byron (who did at least half the work) and runs his stall every day of the year, rather than lounging around daydreaming about his future…
I didn’t like to point out to him that he’d overlooked the initial cost of the ice-cream machine, ingredients, running costs etc – he doubtless thinks such expenses don’t count because he put them all (like everything else) on my VISA card.
Anyway, once the numbers were crunched W went out to relax in the garden and dream about his future as the head of a vast ice cream empire, while Byron poked around in search of any chocolate eggs which might have been overlooked in the Easter Egg Hunt a couple of weeks ago.
Today dawned sunny and warm – the ideal day to start an ice cream marketing business!
Wilson and Byron were up and about early, and before long their first customers – our neighbours Derek and Linda – arrived and began reading the menu. Derek ordered a Rum & Raisin, while his wife opted for a Chocolate Sundae.
‘Excellent choices!’ Wilson assured them as he rang-up their £20 note in his Fisher-Price Junior Cash Register, before announcing cheerfully, ‘Oh! I don’t appear to have any change – never mind, I’ll give you a Credit Note!’
He went into the house for a moment, then emerged empty-pawed and chatted with Byron for a while.
After ten minutes or so, Derek asked whether his ice-cream would be much longer.
‘About 20 minutes,’ Wilson replied, ‘it’s not quite frozen yet.’
Pointing to the sign above the counter he read aloud, ‘“FRESHLY-MADE-WHILE-YOU-WAIT” you see – it’s our Unique Selling Point. As soon as your Rum & Raisin’s done I’ll start work on Linda’s Sundae!’
Although the weather today is cool and cloudy, the forecast for the weekend is apparently ‘brilliant – sunny and hot’ and final preparations are in full swing for tomorrow’s GRAND LAUNCH of what Wilson is still calling his Secret Project… in spite of it becoming increasingly clear that it is in fact an Ice Cream Stand.
The Bees are in the kitchen (from which I have once again been banished) preparing vast quantities of ‘ice cream mixture’, while Nërp is outside helping with the heavy lifting.
Both the boys seem to be taking this very seriously – I hope they’re not disappointed by poor sales.
I’ll probably buy a couple of ices myself, just to keep their spirits up.
Honestly, I never cease to be amazed by the unlikely stuff you can pick up on Amazon and eBay!
Following my feedback on Wilson’s ice-cream flavours, one of his friends, Sheila, suggested that ants should be available as an OPTION.
Wilson has sourced an Ant Shaker, reasoning that ants can be not only optional but charged extra!
He confided to me that he didn’t know whether he could trust strangers with a whole shaker full of ants, as they might unscrew the lid and just eat them all – I told him I was pretty sure he’d be okay…
Both Wilson and Byron were very keen to hear what I thought about the ice cream dishes they prepared for last night’s dinner, and I gave them my frank opinion: all the flavours were very tasty, but would have been improved by the removal of the ants.
They took this quite well, considering.
Anyway, they’ve gone out to play in the street together – I’m sure they’re both sensible enough not to get up to any mischief or annoy the neighbours…
The meal Wilson and Byron prepared for me last night was, as promised, ‘unusual and exciting’ consisting as it did of three dessert courses.
For Starters we had Strawberry Ice Cream with Croutons and Deep-Fried Crunchy Ants, our Main Course was Peanut Butter Ice Cream with Peanut Sauce and Dessert was Chocolate Ice Cream Sundae with Marshmallows and Chocolate-dipped Ants – my Blood-Sugar Meter had quite a surprise!
I’m pretty certain now that I know what ‘The Apparatus’ is – it’s an ice-cream machine – but I still don’t understand the need for such secrecy.
Unless it cost a LOT more than I expect an ice-cream machine to cost – I’m almost scared to check my VISA bill…
I have been (temporarily) re-admitted to the kitchen, although what the boys refer to in lowered voices as ‘The Apparatus’ remains concealed under a layer of tea-towels.
Wilson and Byron are busy preparing what they assure me will be ‘an unusual and exciting meal’ for dinner tonight.
I’m not sure how keen I am on ‘unusual’ – I’m guessing, from observing the ingredients surrounding the Food Mixer, that Honey, Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey Liqueur and Ants will be the principal ingredients.
In Wilson’s opinion, those (together with Gin, of course, which will probably be served with dessert) constitute the perfect healthy diet.
I’m also a little concerned by Uncle Zoltan’s presence, no doubt acting in an Advisory Capacity. Uncle Z says he once stung Celebrity Chef Gordon Ramsay, which obviously now qualifies him as a Culinary Maven…
Wilson and Byron have nipped round to Tesco for ‘secret ingredients,’ leaving Nërp in charge of the newly-installed ‘secret equipment’ – which is making a noise not unlike a cement mixer.
While they were safely out of the way, I tapped on the kitchen door. Nërp replied: ‘It is forbidden to enter, Wilson’s New Dad – please leave the area!’
Persisting, I asked if I could just have a quick word with him. After a few moments the door opened a crack, his body blocking my view of whatever might be going on within.
I asked Nërp if he had any idea what was going on.
He replied that the Laws of Robotics forbade him from divulging to me anything that had been flagged with the property ‘Secret’ and the contents of the Amazon box, together with its ultimate purpose, had been so flagged.
‘Forgive me for not being Bender from Futurama,’ he continued. ‘If I were, I would doubtless have “spilled the beans” in return for a bottle of beer and a cigar. But I am not. I think Wilson is disappointed that I am not – I suspect he would find Bender more… simpatico. More… amusant.’ He chuckled to himself – an unnerving, mechanical noise. ‘Amusant. AmusANT – did you see what I did there? Oh, never mind.’
So, I guess I’ll have to wait and see. I don’t much like waiting and seeing – it makes me nervous.
My own experience of parcels from Amazon is that they’re usually composed of 95% Air and Bubble Wrap.
A box the size of a suitcase arrives, you open it, remove 500m of grey packing paper and eventually find your actual purchase – a nail file, perhaps, or a pencil – hiding at the bottom.
Wilson’s delivery, however, seems to be in another league entirely, so heavy that even Nërp had difficulty carrying it into the kitchen.
Before the outer box had been opened, I was hustled out of the room and instructed not to return for the time being, while the ‘equipment’ was being ‘installed’ and ‘tested’…
There was much celebration (and overeating) when the Easter Eggs were distributed yesterday.
The sTone Brothers, Neil, Dave and Mole have all taken their eggs into the dining room, where it’s a lot quieter, and Uncle Zoltan has scuttled back to his hive with his.
Nërp is still confused about the association between Jesus dying, Rabbits and Chocolate Eggs. At first his Display Screen bore a flashing message, “Totes Sorry For Your Loss” but Wilson convinced him that it was a bit inappropriate – although he couldn’t explain why to Nërp's satisfaction.
In other news, Wilson was very relieved to wake this morning to the news that the Chinese Space Station Tiangong-1 has crashed to Earth somewhere that isn’t Uckfield…
Hello! Welcome to April, and a very happy Good Sunday!
I am Polly the Bee, and this is our… well, MY Guest Blog.
As you know, I would normally be addressing you with my Significant Other – Billi – but she is busy negotiating a Top Secret Deal with Wilson, so today I am Flying Solo!
Billi is a much better negotiator than me, so I leave her to do what she’s best at: playing hard-ball!
I would love tell you all about this contract, but if i TOLD you, I’d have to STING you! Haha! So I won’t. Just kidding.
Anyway, I’ve been Polly the Bee, and Billi the Bee sends her love. We’ll see you again next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEE GOOD!
