Wilson has just informed me that today, 2 March, is Old Stuff Day!
At first I didn't believe him, but he showed me this on his iPad:
https://www.daysoftheyear.com/days/old-stuff-day/
He'd set his heart on re-opening his Wilson Vermilingua Museum of Old Stuff And a Robot today, but reconstruction is on hold until his brother Byron comes to lend him a hand (paw) – and that won't be until Easter, still some seven weeks away…
So instead, he is mooching mournfully through his Museum Storage Facility (AKA the dining room) dreaming about the day his magnificent Repository of Rubbish will once again open it's doors to the paying public.
#OldStuffDay
Hello, welcome, we are Polly🐝 and Billi 🐝The Bees and this is our Guest Blog!
Today is the first day of Meteorological Spring, which traditionally marks the start of the Bee Football Season!
Regard – this was once our green and pleasant football field, home of The Uckfield Bees football team, before Wilson's construction work transformed it into the desolate, muddy and barren wasteland you see today.
If you live in a desolate, muddy and barren wasteland, or you know someone who does – or if you'd just like to help bees – the good people at 38DEGREES have put together some packs of lovely Bee-friendly seeds to turn your muddy wasteland into a beautiful meadow!
Your kindness may prevent our dear children Johnson Major and Johnson Minor (and us!) starving to death, taking a Billion Human Jobs with us.
Also, here is a petition which we hope you might like to sign, asking the Government to make environmental standards stronger, not weaker, after Brexit.
Today is also 🐷World Pig Day🐷 – we love pigs because they're cute and adorable, and also more intelligent than dogs, so please spare a thought for 🐖Piggies🐖 today!
Anyway, we've been The Bees, and we'll see you next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD!
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Meadow Flowers for Bees:
https://home.38degrees.org.uk/2018/03/10/seeds-for-bees/
Environmental Standards after Brexit:
https://speakout.38degrees.org.uk/campaigns/environmental-standards-stronger-not-weaker?bucket=email-blast-15_2_2019_brexit_enviro_bees_uslobbysitshook_40kflt_kick&utm_campaign=blast2019-02-16&utm_medium=email&utm_source=
It's been very warm here lately – whereas this time last year we were enduring heavy snowstorms, this year we've had some of the warmest days since records began.
The temperature is over 20°C (68°F) here right now!
It's been so warm that The Bees want to re-form their football team, The Uckfield Bees, but are unable to mark out their pitch.
They're having quite a heated discussion with Wilson about the lack of grass due to his Museum re-build having reduced most of the garden to a muddy wasteland.
W feels a bit betrayed by his Site Manager, Antony, taking The Bees' side in the argument.
Antony plays for The Uckfield Bees, and he'd quite like a kick-about with the other children while waiting for work on the Museum to resume…
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Incidentally, today is Polar Bear Day!
Polar bears are cute but dangerous (a reputation Wilson is keen to cultivate for himself) but he's a bit scared of them – a gang of [animatronic] polar bears allegedly tried to mug him for his Xmas gift as he left Father Xmas' Magic Grotto.
This was many years ago, but the incident made a deep impression on young W!
I've just bought a children's book for Wilson, to give him some idea of what intellectual level to pitch his own book.
He settled down in his library to read it, then told me that he found it 'Interesting, but politically naïve, and with a lack of plot development.'
He also suggested that the main character, while obviously cute and adorable, might benefit from a trip to his GP for a Memory Assessment.
Wilson has also heard from Kevin McCloud declining his offer for his Museum to be featured on Channel 4's Grand Designs, for a very similar reason to that given by Keith Lemon – Grand Designs features only homes, not commercial premises.
At a rough guess, I'd say there is very little commercial about Wilson's Museum – money-pit would be an altogether more accurate description…
Wilson has just shown me the next spread of his Learning Colours And Numbers book, and I'm afraid he's got a little bit carried away.
I thought yesterday's pages were just right – fun, simple and easily comprehensible – whereas today's spread is hugely complex, involving squares and formulae, and hinting at more Degree-level stuff to come – I wouldn't be surprised if he introduces Differential Equations and Calculus before he's finished…
Perhaps young anteaters can comprehend this kind of thing, but I fear he is greatly overestimating the intelligence and capacity of most human toddlers.
Tomorrow I shall pop into the Village and get him something to help him understand the level required when introducing basic concepts like Numbers and Colours to pre-school children…
Wilson and his Literary Agent, Antony, have just proudly shown me proofs of the first two spreads of his Children's Educational Book, Learning Colours and Numbers with Wilson.
It's not bad, is it? I think he might (finally) be really on to something here!
By the way, Wilson has heard from Keith Lemon off ITV's Through The Keyhole.
Mr Lemon thanked Wilson for applying to be on Froot Key'ole, but said that although he thinks Anteaters are Bang Tidy, Key'ole only visits 'ouses, not museumseses.
Also, he said he was afraid Wilson was not quite famous enough for anyone to guess who he was, but to get back to him if he gets a lot famouserer.
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Remember, you will get extra posts and (very occasional) free gifts if you join The Wonderful World of Wilson Facebook Group – it's free and it's (allegedly) fun:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/wilsonvermilinguaappreciation/
Wilson was very pleased when his Mum, Mrs V, finally passed the phone over to his brother Byron.
She'd given him quite a guilt trip about the infrequency of his telephone calls and visits, and took so long doing it that Wilson missed most of yesterday's Jeremy Kyle Show – which I personally consider to be no bad thing!
Anyway, Byron apparently has a very busy schedule of birthday parties, baby showers, murder mystery parties, karaoke parties, pizza parties, play-dates, sleepovers etc at the zoo, but could apparently spare some time over Easter… so I guess there'll be another couple of months with the garden looking like a muddy bog.
Wilson complained that when he was still living at the zoo life certainly wasn't one long round of parties – he speculated that Byron was probably more popular than him, so naturally got invited out more.
Much more…
So to pass the time (and distract himself from this unpalatable fact) W has started working on another of his projects – Educational Books For Children.
He says that this is an underexploited market, and parents will spend enormous amounts of cash to encourage what he calls intelligentness in their children…
Wilson has determined that I am 'too feeble' to be of much help with his Museum rebuild – apart from paying for things, obviously.
It stung a little when he told me, but on reflection I think it's probably fair comment, as moving the cement and bricks yesterday nearly finished me off!
So W is now on the phone to the zoo to ask whether Byron could spare the time to come over and lend him a hand.
Paw.
When he got through his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, answered – she gave him quite a hard time about him never visiting or telephoning…
Okay, I'd like to apologise for the late arrival of yesterday's Blog.
Very early yesterday morning I heard a delivery truck outside the house, so I pulled on my jeans and a T-shirt and ran downstairs to see what was happening.
On the front drive were two massive Pallets – one loaded with bricks, the other with cement – and a worried-looking Wilson.
Site Manager Antony explained that Wilson had 'slightly' over-ordered on building materials, but it was okay because we'd easily be able to sell the leftover bricks and cement on eBay – as long as we offered to deliver, anyway.
Wilson then spoke for the first time, telling me that both bricks and cement were way heavier than he'd expected, and he couldn't carry even one brick at a time, let alone a bag of cement…
Which is why I'm only just posting yesterday's Blog – I was completely drained by carrying a pallet's-worth of bricks and 35 sacks of cement round to the back garden.
While I lay gasping for breath, Wilson confessed that rebuilding his Museum was a much more substantial project than he'd anticipated, and asked whether his brother, Byron, could come over to help him with it.
At that moment, I would have agreed to almost anything, so I nodded weakly and grunted, 'Mmm'…
Some sort of protest delegation has assembled on the Museum Building Site, determined to confront Wilson.
It seems that no-one is happy with the new Museum plans – the sTone Brothers are lobbying for a Rock Garden, so they can invite their friends round, while Nërp thinks there should be more robot-charging outlets.
The Johnson Brothers say the Museum should include a Skate Park, although Polly has forbidden them from attending in person lest the protest turn violent…
Uncle Zoltan has rocked up too, to complain about the noise – although to be fair, the only noise I've heard is the sound of Uncle Zoltan shouting, 'Stop that bloomin' noise – some of us are trying to work! Or sleep!'
I finally plucked up the courage to ask Wilson where he'd put all the junk from his 'Museum' while it's being rebuilt – although I was careful not to use the word junk, obviously.
I had sensed that I wouldn't like the answer, and I was right.
He opened the dining room door and squeezed in – the door wouldn't open completely for some reason, so I just stuck my head round – and beheld a dreadful sight.
'I know what you're thinking, New Dad,' he said, 'but it's all right – all the boxes are properly labelled, so I'll know where everything is when I re-install the exhibits in the new museum!'
That is, in fact, very far from what I was thinking.
What I WAS thinking was that we'd never be able to use the dining room again…
Wilson has never attended school, and has made it clear that he never intends to.
Nevertheless, in a gesture of solidarity with thousands of schoolchildren across the UK and much of Europe, he has downed his tools and is today demonstrating against Government Inaction on Climate Change.
He is joined by Radical Bee Billi and her wife Polly, and by Uncle Zoltan!
No-one had even noticed that Uncle Z had returned from his Nationwide Drumming Tour – and judging by his banner, he's generally unused to protest marches…
Wilson has taken a well-earned day off from building work to celebrate what he calls World Wireless Day.
He's in the dining room listening to 'The Wireless' while carefully going over the plans for his Museum with his Site Manager, Antony.
It's several years since I listened to any sort of radio other than Online, FM or DAB – I'd completely forgotten about all the interesting whistling and crackling noises and the slow fades which accompany everything on AM Wireless.
Perhaps people have had their fill of perfection and AM Radio, like Audio Cassettes and Vinyl, is set for a revival?
#WorldRadioDay2019
#UNESCO
Everyone involved in the re-building of Wilson's 'Museum' seems to be very busy… although no visible progress has been made.
Wilson is constantly conferring with Site Manager Antony, poring over the plans and stroking their chins a lot, but there's still nothing to see but a lot of mud and many, many bags of Ballast.
I asked Wilson what the Ballast was for, but he told me it was very technical and I wouldn't understand even if he told me – which he was too busy to do right now.
Work continues on the re-building of Wilson's 'Museum', and he continues to micro-manage every detail of the work.
He is considering calling 'Mr Kevin' (Kevin McCloud from Channel 4's Grand Designs programme) assuming that Channel 4 will pay for all the work.
I told him I'm not sure that's how it works.
He took this news pretty well, and said that he'd contact 'Mr Keith' (Keith Lemon from ITV's Through The Keyhole) instead, as the publicity would be 'priceless!' and he'd like to meet 'Mr Keith' because he is 'totes hilarious' and also 'v. good at what he does!'
Many aspects of this work are troubling me, but in particular I can't help wondering where all the old Museum's exhibits are – before it was demolished it was stuffed full of old rubbish (not to mention a Killer Robot), none of which is now anywhere to be seen…
Wilson has told me that 'A few minor side-effects' are a small price to pay for losing 18 pounds in less than a week, but with regret he has decided to withhold publication of his Celebrity Diet Book, for fear of legal action.
'We live in a Litigious Society, New Dad!' he told me, shaking his head sadly. 'Unscrupulous people will try to sue over the tiniest thing. I know this, because I've tried it myself…'
What with the diet making me too weak to move, I've not spent much time in the garden lately, but this morning I took a stroll outside to get some fresh air – imagine my shock when I noticed that Wilson's Museum was missing!
I called to him, 'Wilson! Wilson! Come quickly – someone has stolen your Museum!'
A moment later he arrived, looking very businesslike in a parka and a hard hat and carrying a clipboard, to tell me that the Museum Rebuild had started.
I fear for the future of my lovely garden…
Wilson has suffered a bit of a setback with his Celebrity Diet Book: side effects.
He told me that having carefully observed me, although my weight loss was 'Excellent' there were one or two 'unexpected' problems including, but not limited to:
• Ravenous hunger
• Mood swings
• Fainting
• Dizzyness
• Loss of interest in things
• Vomiting
• Sunken eyes
• Loss of co-ordination
• Hallucinations
• Passing out
To me these sound like the symptoms of starvation (which would not surprise me in the least) but I can't help but wonder if some of the Diet Foods Wilson has fed me may have disagreed with me.
I'm thinking in particular of the Dried Dung Beetles, but I even felt a bit queasy after yesterday's Scorpion Lollipop…
You probably noticed that yesterday was Chinese New Year.
I had hoped I would be allowed a day off from my diet so I could eat a few of the snacks Wilson provided at his Chinese New Year's Party, but sadly that was not to be. He told me that sometimes he had to be cruel to be kind…
Today, though, all my pain and sacrifice seemed worthwhile when Wilson accompanied me into the bathroom, weighed me and told me I am doing 'very well' – so well, apparently, that he has named me Slimmer Of The Week and rewarded me with a special treat snack.
It's a Scorpion Lollipop.
By way of encouragement, he says there are 'plenty more where that came from' if I can keep up my excellent rate of weight-loss.
Also – as a special concession – he handed me a leftover Fortune Cookie. It said:
'I cannot help you, for I am just a cookie…'
Wilson, in the spirit of never willingly missing a chance to party, would like to wish you all a Very Happy Chinese New Year!
We are just entering the Year Of The Pig, and although Wilson loves pigs (he thinks they're 'Well Cute') he's been waiting patiently for it to be the Year Of The Anteater.
From what little I know of the Chinese Zodiac, I predict he's going to have a long wait – but he says that if next year isn't the turn of the Anteaters he's going to declare it to be so unilaterally…
Wilson has just proudly shown me the final cover artwork for his Celebrity Diet Book, although the contents are still being decided upon.
During what he calls the Diet Testing Phase, he is writing down the recipe of everything he prepares for me, and giving it a score out of ten according to how much of it I can force down.
I asked Wilson, if I really can Eat As Much As I Like, how will I lose weight?
In reply, he touched the side of his nose wisely and and explained that eating as much as you liked was the beauty of the whole Diet Plan: the dishes weren't very tasty, so dieters wouldn't want to eat much of them.
I can confirm, from what I've tasted, that is indeed the case.
In fact some of the recipes are so loathsome and abominable I didn't even want to taste them once, let alone have a second mouthful… although to be fair, I have already lost a few pounds!
