Rather more quickly than I feared, a final choice of pumpkins has finally been made – one for Wilson and one for Byron – so now we're heading home to carve them.
Tomorrow I shall be on Taxi Duty while the boys attend to 'Last-minute Hallowe'en shopping' then on Monday I shall be off-duty while W and B arrange their 'Big Surprise for the Whole Village'.
I don't like surprises — they leave me feeling unprepared and anxious.
Particularly I don't like the kind of surprises in which Wilson specialises, which often culminate in a visit from the police.
Unsurprisingly, then, I fear the worst...
This year, rather than going to Tesco or Waitrose for his pumpkins Wilson has decided to 'go organic' and is visiting what he calls a 'Free Range Pumpkin Ranch' so he can see the pumpkins living in their natural environment and discuss with them whether they're up for being redeveloped into lanterns and soup.
I've driven the two lads out to a local farm, and they're carefully and systematically examining each pumpkin, establishing its family circumstances and administering a brief 'Psych Eval' to ensure that they know what they're agreeing to.
While this is both admirable and humane, it could take days — Hallowe'en might have been and gone before they reach a decision!
In spite of Wilson's extremely heavy Hallowe'en Schedule, he has made time to bring you next month's FREE CALENDAR PAGE: NOVEMBER 2017!
Also, a Free Happy Halloween Badge depicting a very scary spider.
In return, he has asked me to ask you whether it's worthwhile producing a Free 2018 Calendar – do you use you your Anteater Calendar and send it to your friends, or would you be as happy not to have a calendar next year?
Please comment below and I'll pass on all your feedback to Wilson.
When these friends are reunited
Everyone gets overexcited!
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Wilson took Byron into the dining room where the whole family (with the exception of the sTone Brothers) was busy making Hallowe'en Paper Lanterns.
There was great excitement as W reintroduced B to everyone – so much excitement that Johnson Major accidentally glued one of his feet to the table.
(Don't worry about Tiny Toy – he has apparently been overcome by glue fumes, but Polly says that was accidental rather than the beginnings of a career in glue-sniffing.)
Wilson then outlined his plans for Hallowe'en 2017:
• Friday and Saturday he and Byron will be going out to choose pumpkins;
• Sunday they'll be doing some last-minute Hallowe'en Shopping, and;
• Monday they'll both be working on something 'a bit special' which will 'surprise the whole Village'.
I must admit my heart sank a little at the thought of something Surprising the Whole Village – I hope it surprises it in a good way, rather than in a way that involves a visit from the Police...
We go to collect young Wilson's brother,
They high-five as they greet each other.
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Byron has arrived by bus, feeling very grown-up having travelled alone on public transport for the first time.
They fist-bumped (well, paw-bumped, really) each other, then began some complicated paw-slapping routine while they both chanted:
Wilson! Wilson, Bo-bil-son
Bo-na-na fanna, fo-fil-son
Fee fi mo-mil-son, Wilson!
Biro! Biro, Bo-bir-ro,
Bo-na-na fanna
Fee fi mo-mir-ro, Biro!
Glancing up at the advert on the side of the bus, Byron asked whether he has come to star in Antsy Malone – The Musical.
Wilson frowned, having completely forgotten about that project, and told Byron, or 'Biro' as he now calls him, about the Hallowe'en Celebrations he's got planned.
There was much excited whispering during the short drive back to the house.
Wilson has just phoned the zoo to ask his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, whether Byron can come to visit for Hallowe'en.
This took a lot longer than W expected, and involved quite a lot of eye-rolling on his part, because Mrs V launched into a guilt trip along the lines of:
'Are you alright? Really? I was afraid you'd at least broken your claw so you couldn't dial the phone to call your poor mother... Once or twice I thought I'd gone deaf, sitting here constantly listening to the phone not ringing...'
Anyway, eventually W steered the conversation back to its original purpose, and Byron will be arriving tomorrow.
Now feeling pretty grown-up, Byron told W that rather than having us collect him, he'll make his own way here on the bus – if we could just be at the bus station in the village to meet him.
Now it's almost Hallowe'en,
Byron's invited on the scene.
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While planning his ventriloquism rehearsal days with Theatrical Agent Antony in his calendar, Wilson has just noticed that Hallowe'en is but a few days away, and has asked whether his half-brother (or Uncle – it's complicated) Byron could come to stay with us for the celebrations.
I like Byron – he's well-mannered, polite and no trouble at all – so I agreed.
Wilson will phone the zoo tomorrow to make arrangements.
Meanwhile, Dave the Pig has only partially understood his role in the ventriloquism rehearsal process — every time Wilson speaks, Dave shouts, 'I can see your lips moving!'
Which, after a few hours, becomes the tiniest bit wearing.
Wilson also noticed that he'd neglected to celebrate World Sloth Day yesterday — to make up for this omission, here is the address from where you can buy 'Well cool' Sloth merchandise to support the work of the Sloth Orphanage:
http://www.slothville.com/
A question about a friend who's a thief;
Wilson's advice should bring some relief.
_____________________
Another Agony Uncle Problem has poured in!
QUESTION:
❝Dear Uncle Wislon,
I work in an office, and I've noticed my friend is stealing office supplies – paper, pencils, envelopes etc – and I don't know whether I should tell my Manager.
What do you advise?
Worried Worker.❞
'Ahh, this is more like it,' Wilson remarked, rubbing his paws together, 'A real moral dilemma I can get my teeth into. Except that anteaters don't actually have any teeth. Furthermore,' he chuckled, 'it's written in green ink – excellent!'
His reply is admirably succinct, yet sympathetic.
ANSWER:
❝Dear Worried Worker,
If you were to report your friend, you would be a snitch, and your friend would hate you.
Instead, I would suggest you approach her, tell her that you've seen what she's doing and suggest that she splits the stolen supplies with you, to ensure your silence.
Actually, office supplies are always in pretty short supply round here, so if you wanted to send over some paper clips and pencils, they would be very welcome!
Uncle Wilson.❞
Perhaps Polly, with her evidently superior Moral Compass, should play a greater role in helping Wilson formulate his advice?
Speaking of Polly, she has asked me to remind you that today marks the eight month anniversary of when Uncle Zoltan was last seen alive...
A letter's arrived in the morning post,
Wilson reads it, and looks like he's seen a ghost.
__________________
A question has arrived! It reads:
❝Dear Uncle Wislon
I share an apartment with a friend, and we can't go into the bathroom because there's a big spider in the bath.
What can we do?
Scared of Southease.❞
Wilson remarked that it's not the sort of 'profound and philosophically complex' question he'd been expecting, but £5 is £5 when all's said and done.
However, he said that he was fully aware of the onerous responsibility resting on his shoulders in formulating an appropriately helpful reply to this distressed soul.
He closed his eyes in deep thought for a couple of moments, before replying:
❝Dear Scared,
This is a serious problem. If your flat is rented, I suggest you ask your landlord to remove the spider for you, as it is clearly his legal responsibility.
However, if you own your flat, I'm afraid your only option is to move to somewhere less spidery.
I am sending you a free What Would Wilson Do? wristband kit, which I hope will help you and your friend.❞
Once he'd replied, he continued rehearsing his Ventriloquism Act with Mr Juicy the Talking Orange.
Tiny Toy whispers jokes to Wilson for Mr Juicy to tell, while Dave the Pig watches closely to see if he can detect W's lips moving.
While waiting to dispense advice,
Wilson cuts an orange slice.
______________________
Wilson is sitting under the letterbox in the hall, waiting anxiously for the postman to arrive with a sackload of Agony Uncle problems for his consideration.
To pass the time, he's idly playing with an orange. He originally had it to garnish his Gin Fizz, but after cutting the first slice he stuck on some googly eyes and started amusing himself with it by making it 'talk' and so on.
He says he's considering working this up into a professional ventriloquism act, but in the meantime orange juice is running down his arm and going everywhere.
I hope I don't have to write in to 'Uncle Wilson' and ask for his 'professional' advice on how to clean orange juice off a wooden floor...
"No Problem Too Big! No Problem Too Small!"
But will Wilson receive any problems at all?
Wilson has purchased advertising space in The Uckfield Eye (incorporating the Buxted Bugle and the Cackle Street Chronicle) to promote his Agony Uncle service.
Despite living in Uckfield (only a few miles from Buxted and not far from Cackle Street) I have never heard of this newspaper, but Wilson assures me that it is a 'Well-respected news outlet with an ABC-verified circulation of "Lots"' – and in any case, it has the cheapest advertising rate in the UK.
I suspect this latter was the deciding factor for W, who always likes to keep his operating costs to the bare minimum.
Anyway, the next edition comes out tomorrow, so now there is nothing for Wilson to do but sit back and wait for the problems to roll in.
He has Polly-B on standby in the event that any 'personal' problems should require his words of wisdom and succour...
No need to buy a Recipe Book,
Wilson will show you what to cook.
Wilson has accepted that he was wrong to secretly replace all the Recipe Cards in our local Tesco with his own ant-based Recipe Cards.
However, rather than put all his cards in the Recycling Bin, he has decided to share them with you, his friends and readers.
He points out, though, that since he has no control over your ingredients, the cleanliness of your kitchen, or whether you have washed your paws before you start cooking, you use these recipes entirely at your own risk.
Having tasted all of Wilson's recipes at one time or another, I can highly recommend his Veggie Ant Quiche – although I confess I always pick the ants out of my serving while he's not looking. You might want to consider doing the same.
"Every Little Helps" they say,
But Wilson's help is not okay.
_______________________
I've just received the phone call I'd been half-expecting and half dreading... from the General Manager at Tesco.
It appears that Wilson's idea of 'Really putting Tesco on the map' was to replace all their 'outdated' recipe cards with his own ant-based recipe cards.
Also the shelf-banners have had a bit of an 'update'.
While the very nice manager appreciated that W had done this from the best of motives, she said that it would have been better if he'd asked first.
''I would have asked first,' Wilson explained, 'but I was afraid you'd have said "no"...'
'We would,' she replied. 'Still, there's been no harm done, so let's just say no more about it.'
Making our way back to the car, W complained that supermarkets should be prepared to Think Different – to move forward into an insect-based culinary future...
According to W's friend Kate, in New Zealand you can already buy snacks with ants in them – 'That' he said, 'is one forward-thinking country.'
As we drove home, he asked me whether I'd ever thought of moving to New Zealand...
Wilson tries with all his might
To put his bad behaviour right
_________________________
I expect you remember when Wilson started 'acting out' and got into a bit of trouble at our Tesco Supermarket a few weeks ago?
Now he feels very bad about it, and has resolved to try to make amends.
He's just set off for our local Tesco in the village, and although I don't fully* understand what he intends to do, he's told me he's 'Really going to help put Tesco on the map'.
_____________________
* I have absolutely NO idea... 😕
Don't let your money go to waste;
Send it to Wilson now, in haste!
_________________________
I'm sure you all know by now that the old £1 coin will cease to be legal tender next Sunday.
Wilson was unaware of this until he heard something about it on the radio this morning. He reported to me that there are more than FIVE HUNDRED MILLION of these soon-to-be-worthless Old Pound Coins still rattling about in people's purses, pockets and piggy banks. Oh, and down the back of the sofa, obviously.
W says that this is a dreadful waste, and has launched a CHARITY APPEAL to save this money being lost or grabbed by the Government.
He says that if just ONE IN FIVE HUNDRED of these old coins was sent to him, he would be a millionaire, thus keeping the imprudent promise he made to his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, all those years ago!
He pledges that all money received over-and-above £1m he will personally donate to the Sloth Orphanage in Costa Rica and the Retirement Home for Elderly Elephants in Thailand — I have to admit, he seems pretty confident!
So, Wilson asks you to please send all your old £1 coins to:
Wilson Vermilingua
New Dad's House
Uckfield
England.
I've given him a few just to start him off...
Scared lest a Meteor land on his head,
Wilson deserted his cosy warm bed.
_________________________
Last night Wilson, accompanied by Antony and TT, slept in the Asteroid Shelter in the garden as a precaution against being killed by the Draconid Meteor Shower.
Because of the very limited accommodation afforded by the Shelter, the rest of his family was forced to risk Sudden Death By Meteorite* Strike while nervously sharing my bed in the house. This, I have to say, made for a pretty restless night.
I finally got off to sleep about 3am, only to be rudely awoken moments later by a cold and very damp Wilson scrambling into bed beside me.
He judged that the 'imminent danger' had passed, and remaining in the (still partly flooded) Asteroid Shelter was 'Just not viable.'
_____________________________________
* A Meteorite is a Meteor that strikes the Earth — educational or what?!
Wilson shares his plans with me:
An Agony Uncle he will be.
_______________________
Wilson has explained to me what an Agony Aunt does, and announced his intention of becoming an on-line Agony Uncle.
He says that it's 'money for old rope' because all you need to do is tell people what you would do in their situation.
The chief benefits of his new career, apparently, are that he could work from home (even in bed if necessary!) or while he's on holiday, thus ensuring a constant flow of holiday spending money.
He then described how, through the miracle of multi-tasking (at which anteaters are allegedly highly skilled – although I have never seen any evidence of this) he can be an Agony Uncle even while simultaneously working on his Ant Identifying Pencil, and proceeded to show me this blueprint of his latest design.
He has sworn me to secrecy, giving me strict instructions not to show anyone this blueprint – so once again I'm relying on your absolute discretion!
A job helping others is Wilson's dream,
But is it just a cash-making scheme?
_______________________________
This morning I received an invoice from Amazon for a book called 'Agony Aunting for Fun and Profit' and another called 'So You Want To Be An Agony Aunt'.
All thoughts of his Ant-Identifying Pencil having apparently been put aside for the time being, Wilson is sitting in the conservatory reading them.
Polly is encouraging him in what she calls his interest in 'The Caring Profession'... although I'm guessing his interest is less in 'Caring' and more in 'Earning'.
An Agony Aunt Wilson spies on TV —
I hope he's not going to write in about me!*
Yesterday, while suffering from what he calls Inventor's Block, Wilson watched This Morning on tv, and saw their regular Agony Aunt dispensing advice to distressed viewers.
For an anteater whose only problem is that he's not a millionaire, I thought he paid it rather close attention.
I hope he's not going to write in and say he's having a problem with me...
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* Homage to Rupert the Bear — should we make this a regular feature?
Wilson has now binge-watched all of Stranger Things Series One, and there's no more Star Trek - Discovery episodes until tonight, so now he's busy in the Design Studio (AKA Dining Room) working on his Ant Identifying Pencil.
He needs to have it in production in time for what he calls 'The lucrative Xmas stocking-filler shopping rush' in mid-December, so he probably won't stop until he's either finished it or dropped from exhaustion...
