As we left the pier, I mentioned to Wilson that I hoped his visit hadn't been spoiled by the aggressive and persistent seagull.
'Oh, no!' he replied, 'He was funny — he reminded me a lot of Uncle Zoltan...'
He reflected for a few moments before adding, 'Apart from the small of Dead Fish, of course... uncle Z smells much worse!'
We strolled along the beach for a bit but, while warm and sunny, it was very windy and the extremely fine sand was being whipped across the beach.
W complained that so much sand was getting caught in his fur that it was becoming difficult to walk, so we decided to return to our hotel to fortify ourselves in the Bar.
19/08/2017
18/08/2017
ANGRY BIRD
As we prepared to leave the pier, Wilson noticed one more Photo Opportunity he was not prepared to miss: a Funny Policeman with a cut-out for his face. He clambered up and inserted his head into the hole, while I took his photograph.
Just before I clicked the shutter, Andrew the Seagull arrived and started shouting at W.
'Oh, you're off to your warm hotel room now are you, Soft Boy? Well, I don't need you — look, I've got my dinner here, a big cone of delicious chips* I've just pinched from a little girl!'
He swooped towards W's face, squawking, 'I never liked you anyway, you were only ev — oh #!#%&!'
The bird swore loudly as his meal slipped from his grasp and fell to the deck.
Shamelessly, he continued, 'Um, would you like to help me pick my dinner up?'
As we made a dignified exit from the pier, Wilson remarked softly to me, 'Karma in action!'
______
*French Fries
Just before I clicked the shutter, Andrew the Seagull arrived and started shouting at W.
'Oh, you're off to your warm hotel room now are you, Soft Boy? Well, I don't need you — look, I've got my dinner here, a big cone of delicious chips* I've just pinched from a little girl!'
He swooped towards W's face, squawking, 'I never liked you anyway, you were only ev — oh #!#%&!'
The bird swore loudly as his meal slipped from his grasp and fell to the deck.
Shamelessly, he continued, 'Um, would you like to help me pick my dinner up?'
As we made a dignified exit from the pier, Wilson remarked softly to me, 'Karma in action!'
______
*French Fries
16/08/2017
BOB THE BUILDER
It's beginning to feel as though we've been on Weston's Grand Pier for weeks, but Wilson's enthusiasm shows no sign of flagging!
Next on his To-Do list was the Bob The Builder ride. He climbed in, inserted his £1 coin and as the little digger began rocking he sang along to the Bob the Builder theme song: '🎶 Bob the Builder — Can we fix it? YES WE CAN! 🎶'
Andrew the Seagull, meanwhile, fluttered up onto the ride's roof and squawked down through the windshield: 'Come on – let me on the ride! I don't take up much space! You are SO MEAN!' etc.
He seemed to overlook the fact that he was on the ride (albeit on the roof) and enjoying all its benefits both musical and locomotive.
Wilson exhibited admirable sangfroid by totally ignored him, carrying on singing until the ride ended, when he climbed out and mused aloud, 'Right – what's next?'
Next on his To-Do list was the Bob The Builder ride. He climbed in, inserted his £1 coin and as the little digger began rocking he sang along to the Bob the Builder theme song: '🎶 Bob the Builder — Can we fix it? YES WE CAN! 🎶'
Andrew the Seagull, meanwhile, fluttered up onto the ride's roof and squawked down through the windshield: 'Come on – let me on the ride! I don't take up much space! You are SO MEAN!' etc.
He seemed to overlook the fact that he was on the ride (albeit on the roof) and enjoying all its benefits both musical and locomotive.
Wilson exhibited admirable sangfroid by totally ignored him, carrying on singing until the ride ended, when he climbed out and mused aloud, 'Right – what's next?'
14/08/2017
SELFIE SPOT
In my blissful ignorance, I had always assumed that a 'Selfie' [Oxford Dictionaries' 'Word of the Year' for 2013] could be taken anywhere — but I was wrong.
There are apparently Designated Selfie Spots, and we came upon one such on Weston-super-Mare's Grand Pier.
Wilson insisted on being photographed there, obviously, in spite of it not being in an especially attractive setting.
Andrew the Seagull also insisted on being included in Wilson's Selfie, saying it would be 'A touching souvenir of the time an Anteater generously shared his ice-cream with a Seagull.'
W grudgingly agreed to let Andrew be included in the photo, but drew the line at sharing his 99 with a fish-eating bird whose oral hygiene standards were clearly open to doubt.
I'm wondering whether it's even a Selfie if someone else takes the picture, but not wishing to confuse matters any further I clicked the shutter, and here is the result:
There are apparently Designated Selfie Spots, and we came upon one such on Weston-super-Mare's Grand Pier.
Wilson insisted on being photographed there, obviously, in spite of it not being in an especially attractive setting.
Andrew the Seagull also insisted on being included in Wilson's Selfie, saying it would be 'A touching souvenir of the time an Anteater generously shared his ice-cream with a Seagull.'
W grudgingly agreed to let Andrew be included in the photo, but drew the line at sharing his 99 with a fish-eating bird whose oral hygiene standards were clearly open to doubt.
I'm wondering whether it's even a Selfie if someone else takes the picture, but not wishing to confuse matters any further I clicked the shutter, and here is the result:
13/08/2017
SQUIRTING
Energised by his candy-floss, Wilson worked off his sugar rush on a water-squirting game which involved him supplying drinks to jungle animals.
I think the theme of the game was actually to shoot the animals, but of course this never occurred to a good-natured conservationist like Wilson.
The sea gull, whose name, Wilson later informed me, was Andrew, sat on top of the stall squawking, 'Give me a go! Go on, it's MY turn now!'
Wilson told him that he would be getting a 'Very Big Drink' if he didn't 'Shut up and stop distracting me!'
Andrew replied, 'Go on then, I DARE you!' but due to the limited movement of the hose nozzle, W was sadly unable to make good on his threat...
I think the theme of the game was actually to shoot the animals, but of course this never occurred to a good-natured conservationist like Wilson.
The sea gull, whose name, Wilson later informed me, was Andrew, sat on top of the stall squawking, 'Give me a go! Go on, it's MY turn now!'
Wilson told him that he would be getting a 'Very Big Drink' if he didn't 'Shut up and stop distracting me!'
Andrew replied, 'Go on then, I DARE you!' but due to the limited movement of the hose nozzle, W was sadly unable to make good on his threat...
12/08/2017
HAPPINESS IS...
Someone once said, 'Happiness is candy-floss disappearing in your mouth.'
Someone else said, 'Without Candy floss there would be darkness and chaos.'
Yet another person said, 'I ate fibreglass insulation. It wasn't candy floss like the man said. Now my tummy itches.'
Be that as it may, Wilson's exertions on the Spongebob Squarepants machine have given him an appetite (or as he puts it, an Immediate Need) for nourishment in the form of Candy Floss [Cotton Candy].
I rushed off to buy him one while he recovered his breath on a bench. When I returned the irate (but admirably tenacious) seagull was already in heated conversation with Wilson.
In truth, it was less a conversation than a list of demands. Well, just one demand, really: 'Give me your food! All of it!'
Tempted though I was to nip back and buy the seagull a candy floss of its own, I didn't really want to encourage it.
Moreover, Wilson was arguing cogently and persuasively that the gull should not have any of his snacks, so I left them to their passionate negotiations...
Someone else said, 'Without Candy floss there would be darkness and chaos.'
Yet another person said, 'I ate fibreglass insulation. It wasn't candy floss like the man said. Now my tummy itches.'
Be that as it may, Wilson's exertions on the Spongebob Squarepants machine have given him an appetite (or as he puts it, an Immediate Need) for nourishment in the form of Candy Floss [Cotton Candy].
I rushed off to buy him one while he recovered his breath on a bench. When I returned the irate (but admirably tenacious) seagull was already in heated conversation with Wilson.
In truth, it was less a conversation than a list of demands. Well, just one demand, really: 'Give me your food! All of it!'
Tempted though I was to nip back and buy the seagull a candy floss of its own, I didn't really want to encourage it.
Moreover, Wilson was arguing cogently and persuasively that the gull should not have any of his snacks, so I left them to their passionate negotiations...
11/08/2017
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
No sooner had Wilson bested the hapless seagull who'd tried (unsuccessfully, of course) to relieve W of his Do-Nut, he spotted this game in the Amusement Arcade.
'Mr Pants' as W calls him, is one of his favourite TV characters, so he was not about to miss an opportunity to play on this!
The thwarted seagull, meanwhile, paced up and down just outside, vowing to take revenge.
I have to say, this is the happiest I've seen Wilson since he returned from the zoo burdened with his bad news...
'Mr Pants' as W calls him, is one of his favourite TV characters, so he was not about to miss an opportunity to play on this!
The thwarted seagull, meanwhile, paced up and down just outside, vowing to take revenge.
I have to say, this is the happiest I've seen Wilson since he returned from the zoo burdened with his bad news...
09/08/2017
SOMETHING IN THE AIR
As we began to stroll along the pier I pointed out all the interesting stuff we were passing, but Wilson gazed round listlessly without really seeing anything.
After a little while, however, his nose began to twitch as it detected the traditional smells of the seaside: burnt sugar and hot fat.
'If you feel like some doughnuts, New Dad,' he began, 'I could probably force one down. Just if you want some, though.'
A few minutes later we were happily working our way through a bag of half-a-dozen doughnuts.
I'm hoping we might have turned a corner here – for today at least...
After a little while, however, his nose began to twitch as it detected the traditional smells of the seaside: burnt sugar and hot fat.
'If you feel like some doughnuts, New Dad,' he began, 'I could probably force one down. Just if you want some, though.'
A few minutes later we were happily working our way through a bag of half-a-dozen doughnuts.
I'm hoping we might have turned a corner here – for today at least...
07/08/2017
GRAND PIER
After a traditionally hearty Hotel Breakfast (two full-English vegetarians with extra beans and four quadruple-espressos – depression hasn't diminished Wilson's appetite) we set off for the sea front and Weston's Grand Pier.
Weston Pier is unusual in that it still charges admission, but I regard that as an investment – as money well spent.
If a few hours on the slot machines, games and rides don't lift Wilson's spirits, I shall be very surprised.
Weston Pier is unusual in that it still charges admission, but I regard that as an investment – as money well spent.
If a few hours on the slot machines, games and rides don't lift Wilson's spirits, I shall be very surprised.
06/08/2017
COMPLAINTS
Wilson was uncharacteristically quiet during the drive down to Weston, uttering the phrase, 'Are we there yet?' no more than 50 or 60 times.
When we arrived at our hotel he stalked grumpily round our room compiling a list of complaints which, he said, he would be sending to Trip Advisor as soon as he'd established a Wi-Fi connection.
His complaints came down to just two, really:
(1) there were no armchairs, only a huge chaise longue, and
(2) his promised view of the sea was obstructed by a massive SkyView Ferris Wheel just outside.
I'll admit I was a bit surprised by the Ferris Wheel, but I think it might be fun waving to the passengers as they drift past our window.
As long as I'm not dressing at the time, obviously.
Anyway, I'm sure W will cheer up once he's got some ice-cream, seaside rock, doughnuts and toffee apples inside him...
When we arrived at our hotel he stalked grumpily round our room compiling a list of complaints which, he said, he would be sending to Trip Advisor as soon as he'd established a Wi-Fi connection.
His complaints came down to just two, really:
(1) there were no armchairs, only a huge chaise longue, and
(2) his promised view of the sea was obstructed by a massive SkyView Ferris Wheel just outside.
I'll admit I was a bit surprised by the Ferris Wheel, but I think it might be fun waving to the passengers as they drift past our window.
As long as I'm not dressing at the time, obviously.
Anyway, I'm sure W will cheer up once he's got some ice-cream, seaside rock, doughnuts and toffee apples inside him...
05/08/2017
WHEELS UP!
Once I'd put Wilson's suitcase in the boot, I asked, 'Are Antony and TT ready to go?'
'They're not coming with us,' Wilson replied. 'I don't think I'd be very good company, and I wouldn't want to spoil their holiday.'
I popped back into the house and slipped them both in my pocket — I'll smuggle them away with us, just in case W regrets his decision once we arrive in Weston...
'They're not coming with us,' Wilson replied. 'I don't think I'd be very good company, and I wouldn't want to spoil their holiday.'
I popped back into the house and slipped them both in my pocket — I'll smuggle them away with us, just in case W regrets his decision once we arrive in Weston...
04/08/2017
HEALTH TOURISM
In the nineteenth century it was a commonly-held belief – even among Medical Professionals – that a Change of Air could cure many (if not all) ills. Indeed Health Tourism was a major industry, with Spas and Convalescent Asylums all over the world.
Many of these were in glamorous places such as Germany, Switzerland, Italy and the French Riviera, although there were also a few in the UK.
Weston-super-Mare was never a Spa Town as such, but I hope its gaiety and sunshine will exert a healing influence on Wilson and restore him to full health.
Since he was still in very low spirits when he retired last night, you can imagine my delight when I found him packed and ready to leave this morning!
I'd better get on-line and book us some accommodation!
Many of these were in glamorous places such as Germany, Switzerland, Italy and the French Riviera, although there were also a few in the UK.
Weston-super-Mare was never a Spa Town as such, but I hope its gaiety and sunshine will exert a healing influence on Wilson and restore him to full health.
Since he was still in very low spirits when he retired last night, you can imagine my delight when I found him packed and ready to leave this morning!
I'd better get on-line and book us some accommodation!
02/08/2017
THE HOLIDAY CURE
Following yesterday's game of Exploding Kittens, Wilson immediately retired to his bed in the tumble dryer. I found him still there this morning, dozing with his head hanging uncomfortably out of the door.
I called out, 'Wilson? Are you awake?'
'No.' he replied. 'Go away.'
'I know you've been having a horrible time,' I persisted, 'but I was just wondering whether a nice holiday might cheer you up? Somewhere warm and sunny?'
He opened his eyes warily, and enquired, 'A holiday where? New York? Tokyo? The Bahamas?'
I swallowed before replying, 'Well, I was thinking more of Weston Super Mare...'
'Okay,' he replied – in a not altogether enthusiastic tone of voice – 'I suppose...'
I hope that once he's thought about this he might come round to the idea.
When I returned a few minutes later, W appeared to be asleep again, so I just popped a Weston Super Mare Holiday Guide into the dryer and crept away...
I called out, 'Wilson? Are you awake?'
'No.' he replied. 'Go away.'
'I know you've been having a horrible time,' I persisted, 'but I was just wondering whether a nice holiday might cheer you up? Somewhere warm and sunny?'
He opened his eyes warily, and enquired, 'A holiday where? New York? Tokyo? The Bahamas?'
I swallowed before replying, 'Well, I was thinking more of Weston Super Mare...'
'Okay,' he replied – in a not altogether enthusiastic tone of voice – 'I suppose...'
I hope that once he's thought about this he might come round to the idea.
When I returned a few minutes later, W appeared to be asleep again, so I just popped a Weston Super Mare Holiday Guide into the dryer and crept away...
01/08/2017
AntEnders
Hello, we are The Bees, Polly and Billi, and this is our Guest Blog.
Usually we take this opportunity to blog about bee-related news and honey recipes, but today, as our dear friend Wilson is feeling so down, we've decided to forgo this and try to cheer him up.
Poor Wilson's life has suddenly got so complicated that it reminds us of an episode of a Soap Opera – which is why we've titled our blog this month AntEnders...
We're all in the dining room playing a game of Exploding Kitten... but we're not sure it's working, cheering-up-wise. Poor W doesn't seem to mind whether he wins or loses. He has lost his famous Competitive Edge.
We'll see if offering a (small) jar of Royal Jelly to the winner helps.
Anyway, we've been The Bees, and we'll see you again next month. In the meantime, BEEEEEEEEEE GOOD!
Usually we take this opportunity to blog about bee-related news and honey recipes, but today, as our dear friend Wilson is feeling so down, we've decided to forgo this and try to cheer him up.
Poor Wilson's life has suddenly got so complicated that it reminds us of an episode of a Soap Opera – which is why we've titled our blog this month AntEnders...
We're all in the dining room playing a game of Exploding Kitten... but we're not sure it's working, cheering-up-wise. Poor W doesn't seem to mind whether he wins or loses. He has lost his famous Competitive Edge.
We'll see if offering a (small) jar of Royal Jelly to the winner helps.
Anyway, we've been The Bees, and we'll see you again next month. In the meantime, BEEEEEEEEEE GOOD!
31/07/2017
RESTORING SELF ESTEEM
Since Wilson first came to live with me some six years ago, his life has not been without problems.
Mostly these have revolved around a sense of unreality and general existential angst, but never before has he suffered from low self esteem. His positive attitude in the face of adversity has been one of the things I most admired about him.
So it is all the more distressing to see him battling with what he perceives as the stigma attached to him since he heard Andrea's news.
I'd hoped to encourage him to emulate Eric Clapton by channeling his anger and pain into songwriting – I brought out his guitar, but he showed no interest at all.
Nor was he tempted by Ant Juice and Cheesy Wotsits, two of his favourite snacks in the whole world.
Clearly it is time for some decisive action: I must take him on holiday!
Mostly these have revolved around a sense of unreality and general existential angst, but never before has he suffered from low self esteem. His positive attitude in the face of adversity has been one of the things I most admired about him.
So it is all the more distressing to see him battling with what he perceives as the stigma attached to him since he heard Andrea's news.
I'd hoped to encourage him to emulate Eric Clapton by channeling his anger and pain into songwriting – I brought out his guitar, but he showed no interest at all.
Nor was he tempted by Ant Juice and Cheesy Wotsits, two of his favourite snacks in the whole world.
Clearly it is time for some decisive action: I must take him on holiday!
30/07/2017
EVEN MORE TROUBLE IN STORE
By the time I arrived at the Security Office, Wilson was in tears, sobbing, 'Don't send me to Jail! I don't want to be a Jailhouse Bitch, whatever that is – it sounds horrible!'
Surprisingly, though, the Security Manager was also in tears – Wilson had explained how his world had been turned upside-down by the news he'd received from his sister/mother Andrea, and she was more than sympathetic to his plight.
I asked what this 'more expensive – and serious – item' was, and the security lady showed me a photograph of Wilson necking gin from a bottle of Gordons he'd removed from a display by the checkouts.
'It was all the more grave,' she explained between sniffs, 'because we're pretty sure your son is under age, so we're obliged to report it to the Police.'
Wilson's sobbing grew more intense, but she continued:
'But in the circumstances, if you're willing to pay for the damage, I think we might just put it down to experience.'
Wilson whimpered, 'I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'll never do anything like this again!' while I handed over a £20 and a £10.
After we'd all shaken hands/paws I took Wilson out into the car park and we drove home. In silence, but for W begging me not to tell the others what he'd done. Especially Antony.
I shall have to think of something to stop W's constant brooding – something to distract him and restore his feelings of self-worth.
Something to help him out of this pit of despair...
Surprisingly, though, the Security Manager was also in tears – Wilson had explained how his world had been turned upside-down by the news he'd received from his sister/mother Andrea, and she was more than sympathetic to his plight.
I asked what this 'more expensive – and serious – item' was, and the security lady showed me a photograph of Wilson necking gin from a bottle of Gordons he'd removed from a display by the checkouts.
'It was all the more grave,' she explained between sniffs, 'because we're pretty sure your son is under age, so we're obliged to report it to the Police.'
Wilson's sobbing grew more intense, but she continued:
'But in the circumstances, if you're willing to pay for the damage, I think we might just put it down to experience.'
Wilson whimpered, 'I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'll never do anything like this again!' while I handed over a £20 and a £10.
After we'd all shaken hands/paws I took Wilson out into the car park and we drove home. In silence, but for W begging me not to tell the others what he'd done. Especially Antony.
I shall have to think of something to stop W's constant brooding – something to distract him and restore his feelings of self-worth.
Something to help him out of this pit of despair...
29/07/2017
MORE TROUBLE IN STORE
'Once he'd emptied the Children's Complimentary Fruit Box,' the security lady continued, 'he was seen to proceed to the Bakery Department where he was observed licking a number of the iced doughnuts on display, and eating two Cream Slices and half a Finest* Danish Pastry!'
'Oh dear!' I replied, 'Naturally I will pay for any damage or spoiled goods. As you know, this is totally out of character for Wilson, but I'm afraid he's having quite a difficult time dealing with some recent bad news. Would £10 cover everything – and an apology from W, of course?'
'Not quite,' she replied. 'There is one more expensive – and serious – item to consider. So serious that we're considering informing the Police about it...'
I cut her off before she could continue, saying. 'Wait there – I'm on my way!'
Hanging up the phone, I jumped into the car and drove straight round to the store...
'Oh dear!' I replied, 'Naturally I will pay for any damage or spoiled goods. As you know, this is totally out of character for Wilson, but I'm afraid he's having quite a difficult time dealing with some recent bad news. Would £10 cover everything – and an apology from W, of course?'
'Not quite,' she replied. 'There is one more expensive – and serious – item to consider. So serious that we're considering informing the Police about it...'
I cut her off before she could continue, saying. 'Wait there – I'm on my way!'
Hanging up the phone, I jumped into the car and drove straight round to the store...
28/07/2017
TROUBLE IN STORE
Wilson has popped into the Village to do some shopping in Tesco.
He'd only been gone 45 minutes or so, when I received a telephone call. From Security.
Apparently he'd been observed eating all the fruit from the 'Help Yourself: Free Fruit for Kids' display.
All the staff at Tesco know Wilson, so I protested that surely this was a minor misdemeanour; all he'd done was exceed the recommended number of items.
The Security Person cut me short. With a sigh, she said that unfortunately there was more.
Quite a LOT more...
He'd only been gone 45 minutes or so, when I received a telephone call. From Security.
Apparently he'd been observed eating all the fruit from the 'Help Yourself: Free Fruit for Kids' display.
All the staff at Tesco know Wilson, so I protested that surely this was a minor misdemeanour; all he'd done was exceed the recommended number of items.
The Security Person cut me short. With a sigh, she said that unfortunately there was more.
Quite a LOT more...
27/07/2017
AUGUST CALENDAR
Wilson, despite still being in the grip of a troubling Identity Crisis, is well aware of his obligations to his friends.
Therefore, bravely putting aside his personal pain, he has just produced the August page of your FREE 2017 Calendar PartWork.
The picture shows Wilson playing with Byron – in happier times when he believed young Byron was his half-brother rather than, as it shockingly turned out, his UNCLE!
Therefore, bravely putting aside his personal pain, he has just produced the August page of your FREE 2017 Calendar PartWork.
The picture shows Wilson playing with Byron – in happier times when he believed young Byron was his half-brother rather than, as it shockingly turned out, his UNCLE!
26/07/2017
ACTING OUT
Acting Out is a psychological term meaning (and I paraphrase here) being uncharacteristically naughty because you're hurting inside and don't know how to express your pain.
So I wasn't unduly surprised to receive a call from our neighbours round the corner telling me that Wilson was spray-painting on the wall opposite them.
I understand perfectly well that W is very upset by recent events, but I can't let this go unremarked upon, so I tackled him about it as soon as he returned. At first he denied anything to do with graffiti, but honestly, the evidence does not support his protestations of innocence.
We had a serious talk about the unacceptability of damaging other peoples' property, agreed that he would clean it off, and I don't think he'll do it again.
Once we'd finished our discussion, he asked me to confirm that, in spite of my upbringing, I was NOT a Serial Killer, nor a top Rock Guitarist. I confirmed that I was neither... though admitted I wouldn't have minded the Rock Guitarist thing. This can apparently make one quite popular with the ladies!
Later on I shall try to teach him some healthy coping skills.
So I wasn't unduly surprised to receive a call from our neighbours round the corner telling me that Wilson was spray-painting on the wall opposite them.
I understand perfectly well that W is very upset by recent events, but I can't let this go unremarked upon, so I tackled him about it as soon as he returned. At first he denied anything to do with graffiti, but honestly, the evidence does not support his protestations of innocence.
We had a serious talk about the unacceptability of damaging other peoples' property, agreed that he would clean it off, and I don't think he'll do it again.
Once we'd finished our discussion, he asked me to confirm that, in spite of my upbringing, I was NOT a Serial Killer, nor a top Rock Guitarist. I confirmed that I was neither... though admitted I wouldn't have minded the Rock Guitarist thing. This can apparently make one quite popular with the ladies!
Later on I shall try to teach him some healthy coping skills.
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