At last, the opening day of Wilson and Byron's Wildlife Petting Farm and Anteater Experience is here!
After breakfast I made my way into the garden and presented myself at the Ticket Booth.
Wilson greeted me with polite efficiency: 'Good morning, sir, and welcome to the Uckfield Wildlife Petting Farm and Anteater Experience — one adult ticket?' I nodded and proffered a fiver. 'That will be £5. Thank you. Enjoy your day!'
I am the first paying visitor, and as such am entitled to a free tomato. W handed this to me, rather grudgingly, I thought.
Taking my tomato I entered what used to be my back garden but now more resembles a Fairground Midway with booths, stalls and enclosures all around, in search of adventure and fun.
And wild animals to pet...
Wilson has been out with Byron and the Bees erecting signs about Road Closures and Parking Charges for the duration of his Wildlife Petting Park and Anteater Experience event.
When they returned, he explained to me that I would have to move our car, so as not to obstruct visitors to his attraction.
Accordingly, I drove it round the corner and parked at the side of the road. As I stepped out and prepared to walk home I was confronted by Polly and Billi, wearing tiny Parking Attendants' hats, demanding £5.
I offered Billie a £10 note, which she accepted, adding that she 'Didn't do change' on Wilson's instructions.
Before I could protest, they had gone.
I fear this is but a foretaste of how things will work at the Petting Zoo...
Hello, we are The Bees, Polly and Billi, and this is our Guest Blog!
Because the first of the month falls on Saturday, when Wilson will be opening his famous so-called Wildlife Park, we have kindly agreed to do our Guest Blog early. Just this once. On account of it being slightly our fault that his Tomato Farm died.
Let no-one say bees are not flexible.
Also kind. Obviously.
Although we did draw the line when Wilson asked us to appear in his Wildlife Zoo pretending to be Wild Hornets, and stinging people so he could sell them his over-priced Sting Balm. We do have standards, you know.
How we ARE helping is by collecting parking money from his visitors. Wilson says we look a bit like Parking Wardens already, what with being yellow-and-black, but we think the Parking Warden Hats are a tiny bit demeaning.
We preferred the Nurses Uniforms we wore before, but you can't collect parking money in a nurse's uniform — it would get the NHS a bad name!
Wilson's New Dad has got a cold — this means he's a bit grumpy most of the time, but his nose has turned red which is quite funny! However, we try not to laugh because, well... Caring Profession. Nurses, not Parking Wardens.
We've given him some Royal Jelly, so he should soon be right as rain. Whatever that means.
Anyway, we've been the bees and we'll see you next month. Until then, BEEEEEEE GOOD!
I was just driving into the village this morning to pick up some cakes from the bakery, when I came across this... this outrage!
Flyposting is not generally a problem in Uckfield, and I don't intend that it should become one, so I shall be having a stern word with Wilson and Byron when I get home.
If your premises have been affected by this act of vandalism, I can only apologise.
I assure you that two contrite anteaters will be round later with a bucket of soapy water, a scraper and an apology!
________
Incidentally, because the Wildlife Petting Park and Anteater Experience will be opening on Saturday, which happens to be the 1st of the month, The Bees have kindly agreed to do their Guest Blog on Wednesday.
Wilson and Byron came back tired but happy, having put up a load of posters around the neighbourhood.
They both assured me that they'd been very careful not to damage anything and had behaved responsibly.
Later I took a stroll around the neighbouring streets, and they seem to have done a good job; obviously I'll make sure they take the posters down once the event is finished.
With less than a week to go, even I'm feeling a bit excited now!
Wilson received a letter today from his friend Dennis on the Isle of Wight, declining his invitation to the Wildlife Petting Zoo and Anteater Experience.
W's disappointment was tempered by his excitement at hearing from Dennis again, and the fact that he appears to have his own electric typewriter for his correspondence — this seems to Wilson to be impossibly retro and grand!
He soon put his disappointment behind him, and he's gone out with Byron to put up some of his posters round the village.
He also asked me to send you a copy of the poster in case you'd like to print it out and stick it up around YOUR village — although for the life of me, I can't imagine why you would!
With the exception of the sTone Brothers, I think everyone is in the dining room 'helping' Wilson and Byron design the poster for the imminent Wildlife Petting Zoo and Anteater Experience.
I've learned in the past that, when it comes to Graphic Design, everyone thinks they're an expert!
Uncle Zoltan is especially generous with his counsel, having once had a nest in a print shop — although by his own admission, that was in the days of hot metal printing!
Wilson is doing very well in holding his tongue in the face of so much unasked-for advice.
This may be because he's relying on everyone to assist in the running of the Petting Zoo event, so he can't afford to hurt anyone's feelings with a harsh word...
Wilson has written to Dennis, the Giant Anteater he met on the Isle of Wight, inviting him over to stay for the duration of Uckfield Wildlife Petting Zoo and Anteater Experience.
He says that Dennis could sleep in the tumble dryer, as there's really not room for three in the washing machine, and in any case an anteater of Dennis' eminence should never be expected to share.
Once he'd posted the letter he asked me into the garden so he could show Byron how to work the Polaroid camera on the Photo Opportunity Board.
To encourage me to smile, Tiny Toy stood in front of the board telling me jokes, such as, 'Um, what's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? A Trumpet! Oh, no... wait a minute — a Trombone!'
It may have been only a test shoot, but I was still expected to pay the full price! The photo isn't too bad, I suppose; only half my head is cut off.
Wilson explained this was just a 'teething problem' until Byron learned to stop the camera going off unexpectedly.
But he didn't offer me a refund.
I don't know how much sleep either of the boys got last night — they went to bed (in the washing machine — the tumble dryer isn't really large enough to accommodate two) quite early but I could hear them whispering and giggling for most of the night as they formulated plans for the Uckfield Wildlife Petting Zoo and Anteater Experience.
To make matters worse, every hour or so Wilson would pop up to my room, stick his nose right in my ear and whisper loudly, 'New Dad! Are you awake?'
Once I'd been shocked into full wakefulness, he'd ask, 'Did I wake you? Well never mind, because we've just thought of...' and he'd tell me the newest money-making attraction for the Petting Zoo he and Byron had just thought up.
No sooner had I fallen back into a troubled sleep he'd be back, to regale me with another idea.
This was made even more difficult as, once it had passed midnight, all his ideas were expressed in Piratese, what with it being International Talk Like a Pirate Day...
Last night Wilson outlined his 'Primo New Idea' which is to supersede his failed Tomato Farm: The Uckfield Wildlife Petting Zoo and Anteater Experience.
This will apparently involve opening the garden to the public, who will be exposed to a number of Wild Animals and other money-relieving attractions.
I voiced some serious concerns about having wild animals in the garden, but W dismissed them out of hand saying that I was altogether too timorous where his money-making schemes were concerned.
Anyway, he and Byron are in the garden today — Byron is posing while Wilson paints his full-length portrait on a big piece of board.
I don't really know what it's for, but he's making a pretty good job of it, and it's keeping them both out of mischief, so really, apart from a bit of paint on the grass, what's the harm?
What's the worst that could happen?
______________
Wilson has asked me to remind you all that tomorrow is International Talk Like a Pirate Day — you might want to keep your Pirate Translation App handy!
I was just enjoying my morning coffee when there was a timid knock at the kitchen door.
Nothing happened, so I called out 'Come in!' and Byron entered the room.
Without meeting my eye (I think he's still a bit shy around me) he announced, in a very quiet voice, 'Excuse me, Mr Wilson's New Dad, but Wilson would like to show you something in the dining room.'
I followed him in, and saw Wilson holding a can of beer in one paw and a can of lemonade in the other, while a strange, bifurcated drinking straw emerged from his mouth.
Removing the straw, he exclaimed, 'Look what Byron and me have just invented — it's a straw that makes shandy while you drink it!'
I had to admit it was... novel.
'What's it called?' I asked.
'Well, we were going to call it the Shandy Straw, but then we thought of naming it the Sandie Shaw — in a kind of Spoonerismistic homage to the gamine and barefoot 60s chanteuse and Eurovision winner of the same name!'
'It's like Rhyming Slang!' Byron added, growing bolder.
Wilson suddenly laid an arm round Byron's shoulders and shouted, 'What a team — we are UNSTOPPABLE!'
This morning Wilson and I drove over to the Zoo to collect W's half-brother Kenneth Byron Eustace Vermilingua.
When we arrived, Byron was already waiting on the pavement with his luggage, engrossed in a book about Tomato Cultivation.
Wilson jumped out of the car and the two boys embraced. Briefly, and in a very 'manly' way, obviously.
While I loaded Byron's cases into the boot of the car, Wilson glanced at the Tomato Cultivation books and remarked, 'Tomatoes are yesterday's news — I'd see if you can get a refund on these books. My new idea is WAY more exciting and fun! I can't wait to tell you all about it, but my New Dad doesn't know about it yet, so I'll explain when we get home!'
As we drove back to Uckfield, both boys sat together on the back seat — and there was a lot of whispering and giggling going on.
Unfortunately I couldn't make out a word of what they were saying, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see what they've got planned.
And hope for the best...
As soon as the disembarking passengers had... well... disembarked, we shuffled forward and boarded the i360 Pod.
Wilson was very impressed.
'It's ENORMOUS in here, New Dad! It looks as big as Uckfield High Street but without the shops and cars — AND it's got a Bar!'
He ran excitedly round the Pod a couple of times, then stared upward through the glass ceiling, where the central pillar extended 500ft above us into the sky, remarking, 'Well, that's VERY high, isn't it? And we're going right to the top! Where's the Emergency Handle to stop it?'
Once he'd established that the Bar did not stock Ant Gin he settled for a glass of champagne — to settle his nerves — and the pod began to rise majestically.
So gentle was our ascent that as we started there was no sensation of movement — until Wilson shouted 'WE'RE GOING UP!' and gripped tightly on the the handrail with both paws.
I'm sure he'll love this experience — as long as no-one mentions that it's broken down three times in the last five days...
Clutching his Boarding Pass firmly in his paw, Wilson queued with me to pass through the pre-boarding Security Check.
'It looks like a Flying Saucer on a Stick, New Dad,' he remarked while we waited, 'or a ginormous huge silver doughnut!'
After a moment he continued, 'Did you know it goes even higher that that balloon I went up on in Bournemouth? I hope it doesn't sway about as much as that did — for a little while, I thought I was going to fall out of the basket!'
He chatters like this when he's nervous, but I'm sure he'll be okay once we're inside the Pod.
Check back on Wednesday to see how our flight goes...
A trip on the i360 Viewing Platform lasts for about 20 minutes, plus it takes a few minutes to board, so since the gondola was at the top of its mast we had a little wait before our turn.
We spent this time walking on the beach, in the i360 Gift Shop and eating ice lollies.
I hope Wilson's careful with that lolly, or it's going to land on someone's head.
Actually, if he leans much further over that barrier, HE will land on someone's head...
Wilson is a bit disappointed that his half-brother Byron can't come to stay with us until next week, so to cheer him up I've taken him into Brighton to visit the BA i360 — the biggest moving observation deck in the world.
(Not a word to W about how it got stuck halfway up for two hours last week — he's a nervous traveller at the best of times!)
The i360 is impossible to ignore — at 500ft high, it's the first thing you see on the seafront — but Wilson was initially much more interested in something at ground level: a zebra playing a Yamaha organ!
There was a sign next to him saying that he was saving to pay for his wedding.
W was very impressed, saying that he would probably try that when he'd finally proposed to Ms Caroline Catz and fixed a date for his wedding.
Once I'd explained that the 'zebra' was actually a man in a zebra suit (which Wilson at first refused to believe) he grew even more excited, as it had apparently given him a 'Totes Boss Idea!'
Wilson was busy on his iMac planning things for his New Idea That's Even Better Than A Tomato Farm when an email arrived from his half-brother Byron.
In it B explained that he was right up for helping with the New Idea, but he couldn't come to stay until the weekend after this one — apparently a load of his friends at the Zoo are having birthday parties, and he doesn't want to miss any of them.
I never mind Byron coming to stay with us because he's very polite and well behaved, and he's good company for Wilson — he helps him keep in touch with his anteater roots.
Wilson was a bit miffed by the delay as he really wants to progress his New Idea, so I might plan a nice surprise for him to help pass the time...
Wilson has been watching DCI Banks on Sky+ — that's the DCI Banks that co-stars his fiancée (ie current crush) Ms Caroline Catz.
In
this series she plays DI Helen Morton, Major Crimes Deputy SIO, and as
such her character is quite a lot sterner than in her role as nurturing
primary school teacher in Doc Martin.
This has rather
confused Wilson, who told me that 'Joining the Police and becoming a
Police Officer has changed her — she's very stern now and behaves more
like Ms Anne Hegerty off The Chase... although of course she's still v. beautiful.'
I'm pretty sure he STILL hasn't grasped the concept of 'acting'.
While investigating Ms Catz, however, he has learned that not only was she once singer in the bands Monoland and Sapphire, and made guest appearances with the Jesus and Mary Chain, but she also goes surfing in Cornwall!
With
his history of songwriting and surfing, this has served only to
convince W that their anticipated liaison and eventual marriage is
'Predestined'...
Everything is not QUITE as bleak as it seemed yesterday — the Bees did manage to salvage what tomatoes they could, although I'd be surprised if three tomatoes is enough to warrant a Pick Your Own Tomatoes event.
Especially as they've already been picked.
But Wilson has a very positive, can-do attitude to life, and this morning he went out in the garden to open the massive crate which everyone has been referring to as The Obelisk.
There has been much speculation as to its contents, but I don't think anyone expected to see a huge coin-operated weighing machine.
'It was for the Pick Your Own Tomato Farm,' W explained. 'Customers would be weighed as they came in and again as they left, just to make sure they hadn't illicitly eaten any tomatoes while they were here. I shall have to think of something else to do with it now, 'cos I hired it for the rest of the summer.'
Later I heard Wilson phoning his half-brother Byron to invite him over. He said that due to 'unforeseen circumstances' his plans had changed, but he'd had an even better idea, and would definitely need Byron's help with it.
Wilson related his disappointing experience when he'd failed to officially open the High Street. Everyone was very solicitous, especially the Bees.
Once he had been sufficiently reassured and cheered up he took Dave, his guard-piglet, out into the garden to show him the Tomato Farm and explain his guarding duties to him. A moment later I heard an anguished cry: 'Aaaaaaagh!'
Both Bees looked nervously at each other.
Wilson staggered into the room, supporting himself with the door frame, and proclaimed, 'My Tomato Farm is no more. It is... dead! Expired! Departed! It is an EX Tomato Farm!'
The Bees looked guilty and nudged each other for a moment, and eventually Billi said, 'We're very sorry — VERY sorry, actually — but that is our fault. We forgot to water it.'
Polly explained, 'We were so busy with our Party in the Lavender that we completely forgot!'
Billy added, 'I'm not going to lie, we were drunk. WELL blootered. We'd had a LOT of mead. But we ARE sorry. Contrite. Remorseful. Compunctious. Asham...'
Wilson cut her off. 'Well, accidents will happen — and alcohol was involved, which explains much.'
The Bees hung their heads.
Wilson continued, 'Of course, I shall have to change my plans for the Pick-Your-Own-Tomatoes event. But on the other hand... is there any mead left?'
The Bees ran off to the kitchen and I heard liquid being poured.
W flopped into an armchair, sighed and held out his paw as the Bees returned with a pint glass filled to the brim with honey-coloured hooch.
Dave entered the room and asked plaintively whether, now that his job had effectively disappeared, this meant he'd have to go back to the shop...
