Like a consummate professional, Wilson made all his arrangements and technical adjustments before summoning his models to the set.
He got a bit dizzy using the camera, because he hadn't expected the little image in the back to be upside-down — at first he thought the camera must be broken, but I explained that it was quite normal.
Before Wilson puts on his Nativity Play, I wanted to check whether he was confused concerning what Xmas is really about, so before his models arrived I sat him down and I asked him whether he understood the Real Meaning of Xmas.
'Oh yes!' he replied confidently. 'It was invented by the Hallmark Card Company and the Brussels Sprout Marketing Board to celebrate the cold weather, and now it's sponsored by John Lewis, TESCO, Amazon and VISA to make sure the shops keep going through the winter!'
So that's cleared that up...
Before I had a chance to discuss the Real Meaning of Xmas with Wilson, he disappeared into his 'Museum' (ie the Garden Shed) emerging some time later with a big old plate camera and a tripod.
He told me that instead of buying Xmas cards this year he will be sending out an Xmas Family Photograph!
I no longer have the facilities to process or print sheet film myself, and I can't imagine what the Chemist will make of it when W turns up there with an exposed 5"x4" dark-slide and his pocket-money!
I was caught off-guard yesterday by Wilson's remark about wanting to be sure everyone understood the 'Real Meaning of Xmas' as I'm not sure he has any clear idea himself.
I was on my way to speak to him about this when something caught my eye in the living room — a sight more unexpected, more shocking even than Radical Feminist and Bee's Rights Campaigner Billi standing at the top of the Xmas tree waving a fairy wand: UNCLE ZOLTAN standing at the top of the Xmas tree waving a fairy wand.
As soon as he saw me he became flustered, explaining that he was just checking what the view was like from the top of the tree, whilst carrying out a Health and Safety Inspection.
He shuffled his feet a bit, put down the fairy wand and said, 'Well, the inspection is now complete. Full marks. Jolly good. Um... I think you should check the wiring on the, er, the fairy lights.'
Then, lowering his voice, he added, 'I don't think there's any need to mention this to the others. Especially that ant-eater!' and with that, he left the room.
Blushing.
Following Billi's adventure on the Xmas Tree yesterday, she made it absolutely clear to me today that her brief stint at Fairying was strictly a one-off, and I was not going to oppress her by making her stand up there all Xmas!
Nothing had been further from my mind, but I assumed a suitably chastened expression and agreed.
Wilson's in the garden building a Stable so he can put on a Nativity Play later — he wants to be certain that everyone understands the Real Meaning of Xmas...
When I came down to breakfast this morning, Polly the Bee was in the kitchen making an espresso.
When she saw me she smiled and pointed to the living room, telling me to go in quietly and take a look at the Xmas Tree.
When I did so, imagine my amazement at seeing Billi standing right at the top of the tree with a Fairy Wand in her hand and a pair of reindeer antlers clipped to her head!
I wouldn't have been surprised if I'd found Polly up there, but her partner Billi is the most unfeminine, politically radical and tomboyish bee I've ever known!
I said Good Morning to Billi and she beamed down at me, waving her wand over me like a benediction, intoning 'Happy Xmas, Wilson's New Dad!'...
Amid much jollity, the Xmas Tree is being decorated!
Xmas music is playing on the wireless and everyone is helping hand baubles etc to Wilson and offer him (usually unwelcome) advice on where he should hang them.
Polly and Billi have popped into the kitchen to mull some more wine for everyone, just to maintain the atmosphere of maximum overexcitement!
I fear Tiny Toy has already had too much wine, as he appears to be fast asleep on the floor. I hope he doesn't wake with a headache — he becomes quite fractious then...
Dr Who Spoiler Alert!
Seems Wilson and I were BOTH right — the lovely Clara is both alive AND dead. Though not simultaneously. And not in a box.
Last night, as we watched Doctor Who, there was not a dry eye in the house. Apart from sToneye's, because he couldn't see what was going on. I must have a word with W about taking his 'Mummy from the Black Lagoon' bandages off...
Now we must wait until Xmas afternoon for the Dr Who Xmas Special to see how things resolve themselves...
This morning Wilson went into the loft to retrieve the Xmas Tree and the boxes of decorations — he doesn't like it up there, because it's dark and cobwebby, but he managed to bring everything down without serious mishap.
Tomorrow we decorate the tree, and everyone is very excited*.
*TOTALLY over the top.
To save on postage, Wilson put all the letters to Father Xmas into one big envelope.
However, everyone wanted to be sure that their letter went off safely, so they all insisted — even Diesel the Goldfish — on accompanying Wilson to the Post Office to witness the envelope going into the slot.
There was an air of achievement and satisfaction when they all returned home; a sense that they had done all they could, and now just had to wait for Father Xmas' judgement: Good or Naughty.
I can't believe any of them will be found wanting in the Goodness stakes...
Wilson is in the kitchen writing to Father Xmas.
Everyone is gathered round him, dictating their lists. All at the same time. It's total mayhem, and there is certain to be some confusion with mixed-up requests — but that will only add to the fun of Xmas Morning.
Possibly.
I'll get in some extra Xmas Band-Aids though, just in case things turn nasty...
Last year I didn't get to see Wilson's personal letter to Father Xmas — he said it was just between him and Santa — so I had very little idea what to get him. I hope I can get a peek at this year's list before he posts it off to the North Pole!
Today, in a burst of magnanimous Xmas beneficence, Wilson has prepared a download for you all to cut out and make into a Xmas Paper Chain!
He has asked me to tell you that if your room is specially large, you might need to print out the sheet twice, or even three times, to make the chain big enough. Also, he suggests that you take great care with the cutting out and ask a grown-up to help you if possible.
I would also counsel that you also exercise some care with the glue, as when Wilson made up his paper chains he got glue all over his fur.
Also the table, the carpet, the sofa cushions and Antony.
Wilson was up bright and early this morning, searching through his Museum (ie the Garden Shed) for the Xmas Decorations.
He spent most of his day closely supervising the children untangling the Fairy Lights (which he maintains are jumbled up and knotted by evil gremlins throughout the year), sleeping and calculating how many more Sleeps remain until Xmas.
His final total for sleeps, should you be the least bit interested, is:
23 Human Sleeps and
130 Anteater Sleeps.
After tea, while the children were finishing off the Fairy Lights Unknotting, he donned his coat and took the step ladder into the front garden to erect some of the lights, starting with his new purchase for 2015 — a Twinkling Star.
Hello everyone, we are The Bees, Polly and Billi, and this is our Guest Blog!
Today we're doing our blog as sort of an 'Outside Broadcast' so we can show you this very important graffiti.
Many bees are being killed by farmers and other people using neonicotinoids which is a sort of weed killer that kills bees. None of our close friends or relatives have been killed yet, but it's only a matter of time.
Speaking as Parents, we're also naturally very worried about our children, Johnson Major and Johnson Minor, so we're asking you today to write to your MP and ask her (or him, as the case may be) to vote against licensing the use of neonicotinoids. Thank you!
On a lighter note, it will soon be Xmas, and if you're don't have a clue what to get your loved one, or even your relatives, you must be pretty hopeless.
However, we have the ideal solution: HONEY! It's tasty, it's good for you and it may have healing properties (although it definitely won't cure diabeticalitis, like Wilson's New Dad has, so you probably shouldn't give it to diabetical people). Also, ROYAL JELLY makes an ideal Xmas gift too!
Every time you buy Honey or Royal Jelly, a small percentage of your money goes to helping bees! Think about it — you know it makes sense.
We'll see you next year — until then, Beeeeeeeeeeeee good, and have a BEEautiful Xmas!
We all watched Doctor Who together last night... but am I the only one who didn't know what was going on?
I asked Wilson to explain it to me, and he said, 'Really, New Dad! It's a CHILDREN'S programme — do try to keep up!'
When he saw that I was genuinely flummoxed, he did try to explain the plot to me, but after a while he gave up.
'Do you know what, New Dad? I can't be dealing with this — I have problems of my own: I can't decide whether or not the lovely Clara is REALLY dead, or whether The Doctor will miraculously bring her back!'
That was the only part of the episode I was sure I DID understand — Clara is gone for good. But I said nothing, as W was clearly upset.
'Go and look it up on-line,' he concluded. 'Here's a good site that should make everything clear enough even for you: http://tinyurl.com/p3dxvm7
I retired to the kitchen to look it up, chastened.
I have to tell you, I was pretty appalled by Wilson's invention.
'Have you tested this "Bag of Serenity"?' I asked him.
'Oh yes!' he replied, 'I tested a smaller prototype on Antony and Tiny Toy — while we were on holiday, if you remember!'
I tried to explain that it was one thing putting small soft toys into a paper bag, quite another to consider doing the same with actual living children.
'How would you like it if I put you in Bag of Serenity?' I asked.
'Well, I wouldn't like it at all...' he replied. 'But then, I am never fractious, rude, disobedient or just plain naughty!'
I fought the urge to mention the many times he'd used my VISA card without permission.
'Anyway, this is only a prototype,' he reminded me. 'I'm just drawing up a list of improvements to incorporate into the final, production model.'
He held up a sheet of paper.
'I'm even thinking of making a larger version,' he added, 'for naughty twins!'
Wilson has unveiled his new invention which, he says, will transform AND revolutionise childcare in the 21st Century. As well as making him rich.
He took me into the kitchen, where he proceeded to unfold the biggest brown paper bag I had ever seen, and announced, 'Behold! I present the Wilson Vermilingua "Bag of Serenity" (patent pending) ushering in a New Era in Non-Lethal Childcare!'
While not wishing to state the obvious, I observed: 'It's a paper bag.'
'No,' he replied, 'while it may LOOK like a paper bag, it is in fact the new Naughty Step!'
I had an awful feeling that I knew where this was heading... and I wasn't wrong.
'When your child is fractious, rude, disobedient or just plain naughty, just pop it in the Bag of Serenity until it calms down... or begs to come out!' he continued. 'After a few uses, just the THREAT of the Bag of Serenity will be enough to calm your child and make it promise to be good for ever! It will be especially useful at times of high stress, like Xmas Eve!'
_________
Yesterday's ANTicipate! answer is: ANTicipate! — the intellectually-challenging fun card game for all the family! Available soon for a trifling sum at all good shops.
Taking a break from his invention (which he told me he will be unveiling tomorrow — I can barely contain my excitement :-/) he has worked through the Tenets of Pastafarianism and announced that he is henceforth to be known as St Wilson 1st of Costa Rica and Uckfield.
That's a bit of a mouthful, and I shall be applying for a dispensation to address him as Wilson.
Anyway, he's produced a 'Russian Icon' of himself in his Piratical Vestments and carrying a bottle of Communion Malibu (he doesn't like the taste of Rum) to commemorate his sainthood, all labelled up very neatly with his DYMO machine.
He says you should feel free to print it out, stick it to a nice oak or pine plaque and hang it over your bed.
In a beneficent and Saintly gesture has granted permission to do that for nothing, but if you'd like a signed copy there will be a small fee, in aid of 'ecclesiastical supplies' as he put it.
Probably another bottle of Communion Malibu...
_________
Yesterday's ANTicipate! answer is: chrysANThemum
Today's ANTicipate! question is: This ANT is a brilliant card game which is educational and fun for all the family. Specially good when played on Xmas night after a couple of glasses of Ant Gin. Also very reasonably priced. What ANT is it?
Wilson rose early this morning, so he could start work on a prototype of his new invention.
However, he keeps asking me what I did after he went to bed last night — I'm pretty sure he suspects something went on without his knowledge... but I think I've gotten away with it.
He's been in the living room most of today, sticking together sheets of brown wrapping paper to make one huge sheet. Antony is in charge of handing him strips of Sellotape, and Tiny Toy is responsible for ensuring that the corners don't curl up. They are both taking their tasks very seriously.
__________
Yesterday's ANTicipate! answer is: cANTilever
Today's ANTicipate! question is: This ANT is a popular flower of the daisy family, with brightly coloured decorative flowers. What ANT is it?
Wilson went to bed early last night to study the Tenets of Pastafarianism, and also to work on a 'stunning low-outlay, high-profit' new invention he's just thought of.
He took a brown paper bag with him... I do hope he's not glue-sniffing or something!
Anyway, I took the opportunity of his absence to see a Sci-Fi Movie (with the sound turned down very low): I watched "EX MACHINA" with a bag of ant-free nuts and a glass of non-ant wine, and had a lovely evening.
However, WILSON MUST NEVER SEE THIS FILM! I beg you not to mention it to him. I can't face going through the "MOON" fiasco again... sleepless nights, depression, animal psychiatrists, legal action — the Sci-Fi Movie Ban MUST stay in place!
_________
Incidentally, Wilson has re-named his fANTastic! Fun-For-All-The-Family card game: it is now called ANTicipate!
Yesterday's ANTicipate! answer is: KANT
Today's ANTicipate! question is: This ANT is a long projecting beam fixed only at one end. What ANT is it?
One of Wilson's friends has suggested a new Mission Statement for him: 'I'm an Anteater — Make My Day!'
W quite likes the sound of this, because his idea of someone 'making his day' is if they give him a treat — a toy, or a sweet maybe. Or a jar of ants.
But he has been distracted from this topic since he heard from the Church of Pastafaria explaining their (remarkably lax) rules for Sainthood — all one has to do is dress and talk like a pirate.
Apparently in Pastafarianism, pirates have a similar status to Christian Saints or Buddhist Bodhisattvas, so he's in the living room rooting through his Dressing-Up Box looking for his Pirate Costume. He hasn't seen it since last Talk Like A Pirate Day, but he's certain that it's in there somewhere.
_________
Yesterday's fANTastic! answer is: decANT
Today's fANTastic! question is: This ANT is a German Philosopher. What ANT is it?
W says he'll have to stop these quiz questions soon, or you won't need to buy his fANTastic! game to play at Xmas...
Wilson is in the kitchen refining his Mission Statement.
He's listed his personal favourites and pinned them up on the notice board, so that you can vote on your favourite — or suggest something entirely new, if you think of anything suitable.
His front-runners are:
'That's the way I roll!'
'I am Anteater — hear me ROAR!'
'Damaged but Adorable'
He's ditched 'We exist to quickly utilise meta-services' on the grounds that, although it sounded very 21st Century, he didn't know what it meant, and would have been embarrassed if anyone had asked him to explain it.
Yesterday's fANTastic! answer is: ANTimony
Today's fANTastic! question is: This ANT gradually pours liquid from one vessel into another, without disturbing the sediment.
What ANT is it?
