Before Wilson publishes his Diet Book, he wants to try out his dietary method on me.
I protested that I was not yet fully recovered from my recent illness, but he would brook no objection, telling me rather that I would heal faster if I could shed a few Kg.
He's got a lot of Dietary Ingredients lined up in the kitchen, and I have to say, I don't like the sound of them.
Nor the smell.
Nor the size of the saucepan – I hope he doesn't make too much, for I know I shall have to finish up whatever he prepares…
For goodness, sake, he's got a pot of Dried Dung Beetles there – he say's they're to add 'piquancy'!
Today I came across Wilson lounging in an armchair looking pensive.
'What's up, matey?' I asked him.
'Well, New Dad,' he replied, 'I was watching tv last night, and this reporter said that a Social Influencer was someone who writes a Blog and has more than 3,000 Followers.'
'That sounds a lot like you!' I said, encouragingly.
'Yes,' he agreed, 'it sounds a LOT like me! I've got more than TWICE as many Followers as that, but no-one has ever paid me to do a Celebrity Endorsement of anything…'
'Hmmm,' I told him, 'I'd guess that's because everyone knows you have such high moral standards that you would never even consider endorsing something in return for mere cash!'
He nodded thoughtfully, saying, 'True. But the money would come in very handy!'
Shrugging philosophically, he added, 'Still, my Celebrity Eat-As-Much-As-You-Like Diet Book will be out soon, and the money will start rolling in – recipe testing starts tomorrow, so I hope you're prepared!'
I couldn't suppress a small, involuntary shudder…
Hello, we are Polly and Billi The Bees, and this is our Guest Blog!
Wilson has lent us an Advance Copy of his 'Eat As Much As You Like' Celebrity Diet Book – we've both piled on a few grams over Xmas, and we'd like some help to shift them.
We think this will be the ideal diet for us as we enjoy eating as much as we like…
To be honest, though, we're both a bit worried.
We try to look happy all the time, because it's the Bee Way, but as Ms Davina McCall says, sometimes we have to Fake Happiness because… well, no-one wants to see a Sad Bee!
What we're worried about is this postcard Wilson received from Uncle Zoltan.
Reading between the lines, we're not sure how much of a success his Nationwide Drumming Tour really is but, being a very Proud Hornet, he won't admit it.
So, Polly and I are considering mounting an Uncle Z Rescue Mission to bring him home.
As long as there isn't too much snow – we don't like snow!
Anyway, we've been The Bees and we'll see you again next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD!
Following the consumption of much (manifestly NON-diet) food, Wilson and his Literary Agent Antony have just shown me the first dummy of his Celebrity Diet Book.
I had to express some doubt over Wilson's use of the word 'Fad' in the title – he had assumed that it was a wholly positive term because people were always talking about Fad Diets, but once he'd Googled it he agreed that it should go.
After much deliberation and discussion, he and Antony have agreed upon a new title:
The Wilson Vermilingua Celebrity Eat-As-Much-As-You-Like Diet Book.
One of Wilson's 'brilliant ideas' was to write and publish a best-selling celebrity diet book… and this morning, he started work on it.
My heart sank a little at the news, and I immediately began to plead that I was still convalescing from my illness and needed a varied and nourishing range of foodstuffs, rather than testing his limited-calorie recipes.
He raised one paw and looked at me pityingly.
'The recipes are not the important part of a Diet Book,' he told me. 'The actual recipes and so on are the last thing on my mind now. The vital ingredient of any Celebrity Recipe Book is the COVER – that's what my Literary Agent and I are working on now.'
'What is the title of your book?' I enquired.
A small smile spread over his face as he replied, 'I'm calling it The Wilson Fad Diet Book – catchy, don't you think?'
Another postcard has arrived from Uncle Z – this one probably a bit more realistic in its tone.
It shows an establishment even less salubrious-looking than the last, where he says he's playing lunchtime gigs in a nearby village.
He confesses that the locals there are not such great fans of Avant Garde freeform jazz drumming as his audience in Glasgow had been.
During his last performance, one audience member strode through from the Saloon Bar and approached him.
Uncle Z thought he was going to ask for an autograph or make a request, but instead he bent down and hissed, 'If'n ya don't stop ya bangin', ya skannocky wee bullstang, ye'll be havin' a Close Encounter with a rolled-up Daily Mail!'
Uncle Z immediately stopped playing… but later gave this 'uncouth lout' a sting on the ankle – right on the bony part!
That sounds exactly like Uncle Zoltan!
I'm feeling a tiny bit better today.
In order to calm Wilson, I have persuaded him that what I'm suffering from is not after all The Black Death, but merely Man Flu.
He was reassured, but is now telling me that I'm a Big Baby and Making A Fuss Over Nothing.
He says I want to try being an anteater – they can't just rush round to the Pharmacy when they feel a bit off-colour; they just have to Get On With Life, as they've been doing for millions of years!
This is a bit ironic, as Wilson is constantly round at the Pharmacy asking for reassurance over some real or imagined ailment.
However, he did advise me to keep taking The Bees' Nasty Medicine, as they probably know best and if it tastes nasty enough it just might do me some good.
Also, he's cancelled my Funeral Plan – he said it was way too expensive for someone who, as he put it, 'could still live for months'…
Okay, it's time to 'fess up:
All this Glitch in the Matrix stuff isn't real – it's just been Wilson's way of not admitting to himself that the reason I've not been blogging is because I'm a bit poorly. He doesn't deal with illness very well.
It's probably nothing more than a heavy cold, and he usually accuses me of being a 'big baby', but after watching something on The History Channel he's got it into his head that I've got the Plague – he keeps checking me for Buboes when he thinks I'm not looking.
The Bees have rallied round with their massive supply of Nasty Medicine ('If it's not nasty' they say, 'it won't do you any good!') while Wilson is in the living room trying to sign me up to a Funeral Plan…
I don't know whether I'll be back tomorrow, but the Blog will resume as soon as I feel up to it – I promise!
Before they get better.
Or so I'm told.
Highly skilled Matrix Engineers are working day and night (actually they're not working at night, they insist on double-time for night work) to fix things, and the Blog should be back in just a few days!
Keep On Checkin'!
Apologies for the lack of Blog over the last few days.
Please stand by for a RESUMPTION OF NORMAL BLOGGING in the near future!
Over breakfast this morning, the postman called with a postcard addressed to Wilson – from Uncle Z!
In it he reported a sell-out for his performances at prestigious music venue King Tut's Wah Wah Hut in Glasgow.
The postcard, however, was postmarked Ringles Cross, which is about two miles from here and, as Wilson pointed out, Uncle Z and his drum kit look like a very poor Cut-n-Paste job, which still bears traces of Glu-Stik…
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FYI: Updates from Wilson may be a bit intermittent for the next few days, due to an illness in the family.
Wilson is now fully recovered from his self-imposed incarceration in the Brain Lab, and has just shown me the fruits of his cerebral labours – his list of allegedly Brilliant Ideas:
• Write a Book of Inspirational Quotations [I daren't think]
• Invent a Celebrity Diet [I'm guessing ants will feature heavily]
• Rebuild his Museum [sounds expensive, I'll try to talk him out of this]
and
• Publish a series of Educational Books for Children [he's still a child himself – but perhaps that will give him a natural advantage!]
I don't mean to be churlish, but four ideas seems a meagre harvest for two whole days of thinking…
Two days after confining himself in The Mind Laboratory (AKA his bedroom) Wilson has run out of Essential Supplies and emerged, his notebook replete with (ostensibly) brilliant ideas.
Once out, the first thing he asked for was breakfast cereal and a quad espresso.
I hope he still thinks his ideas are brilliant once he's had a chance to consider them – but honestly I'll be pleased if any of them provide something to occupy him in the tedious interlude between Xmas and Easter.
He told me he'll explain his many schemes once he's fully recovered his equilibrium – I think he means once his hangover has subsided…
Even with his calendar to help him plan, Wilson still can't think of anything to do.
Therefore he has announced that he will move into the Tumble Dryer, now re-named THE MIND LABORATORY and vowed not to emerge until he has had at least one 'brilliant idea'.
He's taken with him a catering-size box of Cheesy Wotsits and a litre bottle of Ant Gin (both of which he assures me are 'brain food'), his iPhone (in case of emergencies) and a note pad to write down his ideas.
When boiled down to basics, this amounts to nothing more than a day in bed – but even so, I can't see him lasting more than a day, two at most…
This morning Wilson was still complaining that he's bored and he's got nothing to do.
When I was his age, I'd nothing better to resort to than a jigsaw puzzle, but I don't bother telling him this.
Instead, I've persuaded him to produce a Quarterly Calendar so, when he does think of something to do, he can write it on the calendar to remind himself about it later.
He's just finished the calendar, but says he still can't think of anything interesting to put on it…
Perhaps you could print out a copy for yourself and write interesting things on it – Dentists' Appointments, getting the car MOT'd and so on – so you've got something nice to look forward to!
Yesterday Wilson's brother Byron was returned safely to the bosom of his family.
Today a sense of ennui has descended upon the house, as W wanders around aimlessly saying he's 'lonely', 'bored' and has got 'nothing to do'.
He's even put on the Duck Slippers he had for Xmas – which always make him smile – but to no avail.
I'm not a professional psychiatrist, but even I can diagnose a case of Post Xmas Blues when I see one…
Byron has been staying with us for several weeks now, and I think I can detect early signs of homesickness.
I asked Wilson to have a word, and he told me that Biro is indeed ready to return home to the Zoo.
It didn't take him long to pack his things, and Wilson has put together a suitcase stuffed with loads of leftover food, and gifts for his family.
Also a box of Do The Ants Know It's Xmas? records – some to give to his family, and some to try to sell to the Zoo Gift Shop.
Watching Paddington 2 did not altogether have the desired effect of cheering up the children.
What can I say? The wrapper described it as a 'Delightful Adventure' and it was classified "U": suitable for audiences of all ages.
It also said there were 'Some scenes of mild peril' and I admit I should have paid more attention to that.
SPOILER ALERT!
Everything started so well with Paddington at home with The Browns, choosing a birthday present for his Aunt Lucy and starting work as a window cleaner… but once he was framed for theft, TT and the Johnson Brothers began to fret.
Once Paddington was jailed, even Antony began to look worried, and during his fraught jailbreak many of the children were openly sobbing.
Then finally, when the little bear was trapped underwater in a locked container and about to drown, I had to press Pause and comfort everyone while The Bees administered Royal Jelly to the disturbed and shocked youngsters.
During the drowning scene, I noticed that both Wilson and Byron were dabbing at their eyes and even stoic sToneye's massive orb appeared to be leaking…
The upshot was that everyone had to sleep in my bed, while I dozed fitfully in an armchair – the cries of despair and weeping making proper sleep impossible…
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I can only hope everyone will have returned to normal when we see you again on Friday…
So, Uncle Zoltan has left to seek his fortune in what he calls the Music Biz.
Wilson – who never hit it off with Uncle Z – was pleased to see him go, but the children are missing him.
When all is said and done, he was an excellent pastry chef, and good with kids, and the younger ones are already pining and asking when he'll be back.
Personally, I'll be surprised if he's away more than a week, but to cheer everyone up I've bought a copy of Paddington 2 to watch – from the trailers I've seen, it looks brilliant!
After tea, everyone gathered in the living room and settled down for an evening of first-class entertainment!
_______
Anyway, we'll see you again on Wednesday!
There was a bit of a commotion in the garden this morning.
When Wilson and I went out to see what was occurring, we found Uncle Zoltan with his tiny Citroën Van and his drum kit on board, and The Bees – Uncle Z is apparently leaving on a Nationwide Tour.
Back in the 70s, when Drum Solos were a thing, I found them pretty tedious – and I can't see them being any less tiresome now!
Ringo Starr had The Beatles; Roger Taylor had Queen; Ginger Baker had Cream, and Keith Moon had The Who – all Uncle Z's got is a Short Fuse and a Bad Attitude.
However, he is certain that there is a public craving, an unfulfilled yearning for a musician who's entire repertoir is drum solo after drum solo.
I predict that this will be a pretty brief tour…
