NËRPSY STRIKES AGAIN

Nërp seems to be getting into his stride – several new murals have appeared recently.

 

I'd better have a word with him before the police get involved!

 

Surprisingly, Wilson has hinted that he might have a commission for Nërpsy in the near future.

 

I shudder to think…

—

Some of you have expressed an interest in Nërp's AI research – he's given me this link to share with you:

https://designtaxi.com/news/412082/GANksy-Is-An-AI-Robot-That-Can-Uncannily-Create-Banksy-Style-Artworks/ 

WILSON IS A BIT PUT OUT

I think Wilson was a tiny bit put out to find that Nërp is doing Graffiti Art and calling himself Nërpsy – a path pioneered by Wilson in his Antsy persona.

He's also upset that Nërp is quite good at it…

 

However, he's cheering himself up with the knowledge that World Anteater Day is only just over a fortnight away!

 

Obviously World Anteater Day is a big event in Wilson's calendar – at least, it is since he first found out about it last year! 

 

 

STAND ASIDE GANKSY

Here comes NËRPSY!

 

You may remember that Nërp chose not to accompany Wilson, Byron and me on our UnHoliday.

 

I will admit I had wondered how he'd been passing the time while we were away not really enjoying ourselves, and it turns out he had been researching Artificial Intelligent Art.

 

Apparently someone (Matt Round) has built a Robot capable of producing Graffiti Art in the style of Banksy – and Nërp is determined not to be left out of this latest Cultural Revolution.

 

Honestly, it was bad enough when Wilson styled himself Antsy and spray-painted everything in sight…

 

 

ARMISTICE DAY

You may hate the war, but never hate the ones that fight; 

for they do not choose when or where to fight; 

 

all they chose was to protect who they love and even the people they don't know.   

  

     
Millie

 

UNHOLIDAY: CHIP SHOP

When we arrived at the chip shop, which inevitably was closed for everything except home-delivered food, Wilson threw himself theatrically down onto the pavement and declared that he was too weak to stand. 

 

He said that unless he had something to eat immediately – preferably chips with curry sauce, oh and a gherkin too, please, and don't forget some napkins! – I would have to carry him back to the car and drive him home.

 

Byron and I tried to encourage him, but in vain – even after I'd promised him pizza and chips for dinner.

 

Maybe our Uckfield UnHoliday has run its course and we should head back home to, well, Uckfield…

 

I will confess that as holidays go, it's been less successful than I had hoped.

On the plus side, though, it's been the cheapest holiday ever!

 

 

UNHOLIDAY: THE CINEMA

A family trip to the cinema usually costs a fortune, what with the tickets, drinks, popcorn, ice creams and souvenir merchandise, but this time it was gratifyingly inexpensive.

We stood in the pouring rain outside The Picture House, opened in 1916, and read posters extolling the films we could have seen were the town not in lockdown.

 

Perhaps I should admit to myself that this UnHoliday is less of a success than I'd initially hoped.

 

Even I am finding it quite difficult to be enthusiastic about walking past a load of shops I'm already very familiar with – and we can't even enter any of them.

 

I can't remember a holiday when no-one has had so much as an ice lolly [popsicle] ☹️

 

 

ELECTION RESULTS

We have suspended our UnHoliday for a day – partly because Wilson was getting bored traipsing past a succession of closed shops and cafés, but mostly so that he and Byron could watch the celebrations following the result of the US Elections.

All of the more politically-aware children assembled and watched the news channels for most of the day, changing channels only when 'That scary Mr Trump came on' and started shouting, when everyone immediately scrambled for the Remote.

 

Wilson said that perhaps he could finally relax after four years of existential angst, and Byron said that this was America's chance to heal itself.

 

Uncle Zoltan agreed, adding, 'As long as those Trumpists don't start another Civil War!'

 

In other good news, today is Rupert The Bear's 100th Birthday! Happy Birthday Rupert!

 

Telegram from HM the Queen?

 

 

Ant Wars 2: UNHOLIDAY: POST OFFICE

Next we reached what used to be, before the collapse of High Street shopping, the Post Office.

 

While Byron pretended to admire the nondescript inter-war-years architecture, Wilson asked, 'Do you think we should send a Holiday Postcard to our Mum?

We could put:

❝Dear Mrs V

We're having a lovely time on our holiday in Uckfield, where we live anyway.

So far we've visited the Car Park, a haunted house and an Undertaker's – although no-one is dead…yet.

All the shops are closed.

Tomorrow we might go to the Cinema, although it's closed too, due to lockdown.

I hope you are well and washing your paws a lot.

From your loving sons,

Wilson and Byron.❞

 

UNHOLIDAY DAY 4: A VISIT TO THE UNDERTAKER

The next 'Attraction' we came upon was the Undertakers' [Morticians'] Shop.

Such are the morbid interests of young boys that they both pressed their noses against the glass, hoping to catch a glimpse of some dead bodies, or at least some coffins.

 

I am happy to say they were disappointed in this endeavour.

 

I was quite relieved to get away as I was still a bit unnerved by the allegedly 'haunted' house we'd recently passed, not to mention the candlelit ghost stories on Hallowe'en night…

 

 

UNHOLIDAY: A MYSTERIOUS BUILDING

In the normal course of events today, November 5, would be Fireworks- or Guy Fawks-Night, but sadly these are not normal times.

So not-normal are they that today is, in fact, Day 1 of Lockdown 2.

 

All thoughts of fireworks have therefore been banished from our minds, but we continue to explore our 'holiday destination' of Uckfield – Jewel Of The Weald!

 

Making our way from the car park to the High Street we came upon a mysterious building.

 

None of us had ever noticed it before, probably because it was so nondescript as to be almost invisible!

Wilson examined it warily and from a safe distance, before announcing that he could see a 'well spooky face' peering out of one of the windows! 

 

Consequently, he declared that the building was 'almost certainly' haunted and we should leave immediately. 

 

Nervously, we hurried on towards Uckfield's Retail Centre and the reassurance of other, living souls…

 

 

UNHOLIDAY: CAR PARK

The rain has now stopped and we've been able to leave our 'hotel', so this is effectively the first day of our Unholiday!

We've driven round to the car park so we can explore our 'Holiday Destination' – the quaint East Sussex village of Uckfield – and discover what many delights it has to offer.

In even the prettiest and exotic of holiday destinations, the car park is rarely anything to get excited about, but Byron has entered into the spirit of things by looking round, reading the Parking Regulations sign and admiring the antennas on the roof of the nearby Police Station with an expression of feigned interest.

Wilson is finding it a bit more difficult to suspend his disbelief and enter into this make-believe world, but I'm not giving up on him yet – I'm determined to make this 'holiday' a success…

 

UNHOLIDAY: DAY 1

Today is the first day of our UNHoliday, and it is too wet to leave the 'hotel' – but I suppose that's what happens if you choose to holiday in November, 'the most disagreeable month in the whole year'…

 

Wilson rose for breakfast in the 'Dining Room' (breakfast served 07h00 – 09h30) then retired to the 'Bar' (living room) where he drank cocktails and made use of the Free Wi-Fi until lunchtime.

 

Nërp has decided not to participate in the UnHoliday as he says his Suspension Of Disbelief module was not installed and he thinks he'd have problems pretending that Uckfield is an unfamiliar but interesting holiday destination when it truth he knows it is neither.

 

I'm sure it's not just Nërp – I think most robots would have a bit of a problem playing Let's Pretend!

 

Byron, however, is up for giving it his best shot.

 

Given that there's no real alternative, I still think this is a good idea for a lockdown holiday – if you try it yourself in your own town, let us know how it goes!

 

LOCKDOWN HOLIDAY SUGGESTION

Wilson, Byron and Nërp have been doing little but play Hungry, Hungry Hippos recently, so it's little wonder they're bored.

Wilson confronted me today, saying that if he didn't have a holiday soon he wouldn't be responsible for his actions.

 

By this time of year, we would normally have had about three holidays, but so far we've had none.

 

I can well sympathise with his feelings, but the whole of the UK is in various different states of lockdown with many restrictions on movement, so a real holiday is sadly out of the question.

 

However, I've had an idea – I don't know whether it will help, but I'll put it to him anyway.

 

'How would it be', I asked, 'if we went to the lovely village of Uckfield for a few days?'

 

'Uckfield?' he replied, 'That's where we live! Are you starting to lose it, New Dad?'

 

'Hear me out,' I continued, 'what if we pretend our house is a hotel, and we pretend we haven't been living here for years? We could go into town and look at it with "new eyes", seeing it as though for the first time. What do you think – should we give it a try?'

 

I sensed that he was deeply unimpressed, but he shrugged and said it couldn't be much worse than being stuck indoors all day playing Hungry Hippos…

 

Even after the new government regulations come into force on Thursday we'll be able to exercise as a Family Group, so legally we'll be in the clear – why not join us on our virtual tour of the little East Sussex village of Uckfield?

 

 

BEES' BLOG: WALK OF SHAME

Hello, we are Polly and Billi the Bees. 

 

Welcome to our Guest Blog, and to November.

 

Joseph Addison called this 'The gloomy month of November, when the people of England hang and drown themselves.' 

 

Or as Sarah Teasdale expressed a similar thought, 'The world is tired, the year is old, The faded leaves are glad to die.'

 

I'm sorry, we don't mean to bring you down, it's just that we've been up all night partying, Waggle Dancing and getting Blootered on Mead, and now we're both feeling a bit tired – altogether more Furry Mouthed than Bushy Tailed…

 

Anyway, we've been the Bees and we'll see you again next month.

 

Until then BEEEEEE Good: Wear a Mask, Keep 2m Apart and Carry On Washing Your Tarsi!

 

We're off to have a bit of a lie-down now to sleep it off – aren't we the Luckiest Girls in New York?

 

 

SOCIALLY DISTANCED HALLOWE'EN PARTY

Nërp's Halloween Trick-or-Treat-'o'-Matic machine has been installed by the front door, so the celebrations may now commence!

Since we're all one family, everyone has been able to attend this year's Hallowe'en Party.

 

Uncle Zoltan has baked one of his famous cakes and, although I'm sure he (probably) washed his tarsi before making it, I rather wish he wouldn't keep walking all over it!

 

Tiny Toy is telling Hallowe'en jokes (eg – Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road? A: To get to the Body Shop!) but you might be surprised to learn how very few good Hallowe'en jokes there are…

 

After the cake there will be Apple Bobbing (I don't know whether the spiders on the apples are real or plastic, but I'm not taking any chances!) 

 

Later on we'll turn off the lights, light a single candle and tell Ghost Stories.

 

I don't doubt that this will be followed by everyone wanting to sleep in my room, with the lights left on all night – not because they're scared, of course, but because they're concerned for the younger children(!)

 

 

THE MYSTERY OF THE HAUNTED BATHROOM

Actually there's no mystery: it's just that Nërp's Hallowee'en make-up and costume is so elaborate that he insists it takes 24 hours to apply.

Consequently, he has commandeered the bathroom as his changing room and no-one is permitted to enter.

 

Polly has been allowed to accompany him to assist with the application of fake blood… at least, I hope it's fake!

 

I won't lie: it's pretty inconvenient not being allowed to use the bathroom until tomorrow, but I suppose I'll just have to grit my teeth, cross my legs and make the sacrifice… 😟

 

 

DIESEL FEELS A BIT BRIGHTER

Following the administration of ½ of my antidepressant tablet, Diesel the Goldfish actu ally seems a bit more cheerful today.

However Wilson – even with Hallowe'en to look forward to – still seems quite down.

I eventually located him huddled in an armchair in a darkened room.

 

We had a bit of a chat, and he said he was really missing the regular and frequent holidays we used to take pre-pandemic.

 

An actual Going Away vacation is currently out of the question, but I promised him I would have a serious think and see if I could come up with anything…

 

As for Diesel, Wilson's friend Arnold has been in touch to suggest a few things that might cheer the little goldfish up.

 

I passed these ideas on to Wilson and he's pottered off to see what he can find on Amazon.

 

He seems pleased by the suggestions as it's always very difficult to know what to buy a goldfish for Xmas…

 

 

HALLOWE'EN PREPARATIONS PART DEUX

I'm afraid Hallowe'en rather crept up on us this year and we've left our preparations a bit late.

There won't be another Tesco delivery before the Big Day, so we've got a bit of a Pumpkin Shortfall!

 

The children are improvising and inventively making do with what we've got.

Banana Jack'o'Lanterns aren't quite the same as Pumpkins, although they are undeniably easier to hollow out!

 

I had a word with Wilson about Diesel's depression, and we've agreed that I should crush ½ of one of my antidepressant tablets and sprinkle it into his bowl.

 

He added that he'd have been more surprised if Diesel hadn't been depressed, as he certainly was.

 

Then he asked if he too could have ½ of one of my antidepressants, but I really don't like to start medicating him – especially since the withdrawal effects are so distressing. ☹️

 

 

MIKKO THE MISERABLE FISH

Ant Wars 2: MIKKO THE MISERABLE FISH

I always think that fish look a bit miserable – it's the way they just swim round and round with their mouths turned down at the corners while they wait to be fed.

 

Even in the wild you rarely see fish smiling.

 

So although Wilson doesn't like the children watching too much daytime tv, he's allowed Diesel the Goldfish to watch a few programmes – just to give him something to do while swimming round in tiny circles.

 

Unfortunately, he saw a feature on This Morning about a fish called Mikko who lives in a Sea Life Centre in Finland – Mikko is allegedly missing seeing visitors during lockdown and has been diagnosed with Clinical Depression.

 

Now Diesel says that he too has clinical depression and he's published a list of 'demands' including, but not limited to: cake, fresh salmon and his own tv – just the same as Mikko.

 

Oh, and for some reason, a Big Mac!

 

Jīqìrén saw the item too (she rarely does anything other than watch tv) and confirmed the gist of the feature, so I suppose we should do something – I'll talk it over with Wilson.