As evening fell, everyone decided to record the Xmas TV programmes for later, and carry on playing.
Following the liberal consumption of Honey Whiskey, The Bees broke out one of their tubes of Got 2 Bee Hair Spiking Glue and called for volunteers.
I made a narrow escape by pleading baldness, but everyone else seemed more than willing to have a Full Fur Makeover...
For Xmas, everyone received a Unicorn Horn, and Wilson and Byron were each presented with a miniature bottle of Honey Whiskey by the Bees.
The Bees also gave everyone a carton of Just Bee Honey Water in various flavours.
Polly and Billi gave each other tubes of Got 2 Bee Hair Spiking Glue.
I gave W and B Star Wars Helmets, now that Wilson's pain at not being cast in the lead of the new film has receded.
After Xmas Dinner, the whole family spent a happy afternoon playing Traditional Xmas Games – Carrot In A Box, Roll The Onion, Cucumber Snooker, Pin The Tail On The Cabbage, Brussels Sprout Table Football and so on. (When Wilson lived at the Zoo, his family pretty much had to make their own fun...)
We all had a lovely day, but I think W appreciated having his brother Byron here for the celebrations...
Now I understand what all the lightbulbs were for!
Apparently it WAS going to say HAPPY XMAS UCKFIELD, but the lightbulbs were more expensive than W expected, so he cut back on the letters. Still, the thought was there!
Wilson and Byron – and everyone else, probably – will be playing with their new toys and nursing hangovers for a little while, so there won't be any Blog Posts etc for a few days.
I expect we'll be recovered in time for the New Year's Celebrations, but in the meantime everyone here at Chez New Dad wishes you – whether you live in Uckfield or not – a
VERY HAPPY XMAS!
Following an unexplained absence of TEN MONTHS, Uncle Zoltan has returned, driving a Citroën H Dinky Toy van, and is behaving as though nothing has happened!
By the time Wilson arrived Uncle Z was busy telling the children how he has been on a round-the-world trip – visiting exotic foreign lands as far-afield as Buxted and Piltdown – and hinting at his many exciting adventures there.
Finally he noticed Wilson, greeting him with, 'Oh – are you still living here?'
Needless to say, The Bees are delighted to be reunited with their relative, but W is not best pleased by the return of his nemesis – and this comes on top of the sad news that an Aardvark is 'unaccounted for' in a fire at London Zoo.
Tiny Toy, struggling back to the house with a branch of mistletoe after delivering Xmas Cards to the sTone Brothers, came across a strange vehicle which (being very interested in cars) he immediately identified as a vintage Citroën type H van parked – or perhaps abandoned – in the garden!
Remembering that The Bees had worked as Parking Enforcement Operatives last Summer, he went straight to them, thinking they might like to write the van a Parking Ticket.
The Bees relayed the news of this unexpected vehicle's arrival to Wilson, and soon everyone trooped into the garden to see what was occurring...
We are now, as Dr Who once put it, Halfway Through the Darkness for today is the Winter Solstice!
Wilson appears to be marking the day by taking delivery of a huge consignment of light bulbs – he and Byron have carried them carefully out to the Museum (ie Shed) to work on a 'Secret Project'.
Whatever they're up to out there, I hope it takes Wilson's mind off 'Ms Claudia', from whom there is still no news – I'm pretty sure he'd been hoping for a short Engagement and an Xmas Wedding!
In case you're wondering, Father Xmas' gifts to the boys yesterday were a Mouth Organ (Wilson) and a Kazoo (Byron).
Last night they practiced on them with great gusto, long into the early hours... which may account for the headache I'm experiencing this morning.
Now, however, they have other things on their minds, for today is the day Wilson has chosen to launch his Grass Jam product, with it's newly-designed label.
This new label apparently incorporates all the best features from the previous shortlist of designs, and W says it's so great that it would 'Make the Jam sell itself, even if it tasted terrible!'
This is good news, because the jam does, in fact, taste terrible...
The Bees have asked me to mention that their Uncle Zoltan disappeared without a trace ten months ago today, and they'd like you to keep an eye open for any sign of him.
In other news, W still hasn't heard from Ms Claudia...
Once they'd downed their Xmas Milkshakes (topped with dried ants from Wilson's emergency rations) and cookies, I took the boys round to Santa's Grotto.
Xmas is a completely alien concept to young Byron, as they don't really celebrate it at the zoo where he lives with his family, so W explained what would happen:
'You go in and it's all dark and creepy, (that's why it's called a Grotty) and there's this old man waiting for you – he's even older than my New Dad, if that's possible! – and you have to sit on his lap. If he asks if you've been good you say, "Yes I have – I've been very good!"... and then he gives you a present!'
Byron thought about this for a moment, then said that this sounded exactly like the kind of thing his Mum had warned him about.
Wilson dismissed this, but added, 'When you say how good you've been, make sure you sound sincere – but not like you've been practicing saying it all morning!'
______________________
No word yet from Ms Claudia...
Occupying children is specially difficult in the run up to Xmas – I don't want Wilson and Byron sitting in front of the TV all day, nor do I want them getting into mischief.
So today I've taken them to a local Garden Centre just to get them out of the house.
In Springtime, Garden Centre Visits are always expensive, what with Wilson buying trolley-loads of plants for the garden, but a Winter visit with him and his brother is proving no less expensive: there are tree decorations they simply cannot live without, and of course there's the Restaurant...
Last night Wilson joined the bees watching the Strictly Come Dancing Finale.
He didn't really enjoy the dancing part, although he thought Craig Revel Horwood was very funny.
The big event of the night, however, was when W noticed Ms Claudia Wilkleman... and was instantly infatuated!
He's in the living room right now watching Strictly on Catch-Up – fast-forwarding through the dances and all the fillers, then mooning over the lovely 'Miss Claudia'...
I have to say this seems like another highly unsuitable match – what with Ms W being 45 and happily married with three children – but Wilson says that whereas Ms Joni Mitchell was just an infatuation, this is 'The Real Thing!'
As tactfully as I could, I tried to raise some of my reservations; Wilson countered, 'But New Dad – she is A-Ma-Zing, daahling! Fab-U-Lous!'
Someone had better get in touch with Ms Caroline Katz to let her know she's no longer Wilson's fiancée...
The Bees and their little family (the Johnson Brothers) enjoy Strictly Come Dancing – they usually watch it on Catch-up Sunday afternoon, but since today is the Series Finale they were really hoping to watch it live.
Wilson had planned to watch re-runs of Only Fools And Horses on Xmas GOLD this evening, but since he's a bit concerned that his Naughty/Nice score with Father Xmas might need a top-up, he has generously told The Bees they can watch the Strictly Finale... so he and Byron have little choice but to watch it too.
Wilson has caught the children (some of whom – as he pointed out – are old enough to know better) singing the rude version of 🎶 Jingle Bells 🎶 and fears it will damage his Naughty/Nice Score with Father Xmas.
Accordingly, he has given them a bit of a reprimand... even though he did find it quite funny.
However, just to be on the safe side, he has resolved to do something very generous tomorrow night – something involving Great Personal Sacrifice – which he hopes Father Xmas will take into account!
As for the Great Jam Label Referendum, he has decided that, like the Brexit Vote, the process was not Binding but merely Advisory.
Also, since ALL the labels got at least one vote, he says that none of them should feel bad about themselves, because in a sense they are all Winners*!
However, he and Byron are now in the kitchen designing one final Label which will apparently be the Definitive Grass Jam Label...
* Or, by the same token, Losers
Wilson and Byron are in the kitchen arguing over the results of the Grass Jam Label Vote.
Byron maintains that going with the most popular label, D, would increase sales of the product; Wilson, however, is equally adamant that the least popular label, B, would feel rejected.
'I know what a bitter feeling that is,' he said, 'and I wouldn't wish it on even a humble Jam Label!'
The disagreement was in full swing when Mole the Mole appeared, coughing apologetically until the boys noticed his presence. He told W that he just wanted to say Goodbye as he was returning to the Wild.
Wilson's jaw dropped. 'You can't leave now,' he exclaimed, 'just before Xmas!'
Mole, having never heard of Xmas, looked puzzled, so Wilson began to explain All About Xmas: Father Xmas, Presents, Food, Drink, TV Specials.
Mole seemed confused, so W went on to reveal the REAL MEANING of Xmas:
'Xmas,' he explained, 'was invented by the Hallmark Card Company and the Brussels Sprout Marketing Board to celebrate the cold weather, and now it's sponsored by John Lewis, TESCO, Amazon and VISA to make sure the shops keep going through the winter!'
'Oh...' Mole said, doubtfully.
Wilson continued: 'If you leave now, the Economic Infrastructure of the whole country will be put at risk! Shops in the Village will be forced to close! Taxi Drivers will be unemployed and their children won't get any presents! Even the Mighty Hallmark Card Company might be forced into Administration!'
Say what you like about Wilson, he can lay an excellent guilt-trip!
Once the boys had finished decorating the front of the house and the porch they still had some fairy lights left over – so they decorated... the CAR!
I wasn't best pleased when I saw it, exclaiming, 'We won't be able to drive anywhere now – we'll have to walk!'
But with a flourish, Wilson produced a reel of cable, with the words, 'Ta-Daa!'
'That's no use!' I complained, 'How far is that going to get us?'
'The end of the road,' Byron supplied, proudly. 'We've measured!'
Once Wilson and Byron had decorated the front of the house, they moved on to put up some lights in the porch.
Everything was going well until the both got a bit silly and wrapped themselves up in fairy lights – I just hope they can untangle themselves before bedtime!
As more votes pour in, a clear leader is emerging amongst the Jam Label designs... but one design hasn't received ANY votes at all.
Wilson says that he feels very sorry for that label, and he might go with it "just to cheer it up and make it feel better about itself"!'
Sounds like another sound marketing decision...
Following Wilson's survey about which label to use for
his Grass Jam, one of the labels has developed a convincing lead... but
it's not too late to change that: just let W or me know which label
you're backing, A, B, C or D.
One or two people have suggested that Grass Jam sounds like the name of a 60s Band – please don't encourage him!
Anyway, while they wait for a definitive winner the boys are putting up the Xmas Lights at the front of the house.
I think they're making a nice job of it, and there've been no disagreements or squabbling so far.
I'll call them both in soon for some Hot Chocolate with Marshmallows, to warm them up.
Wilson has narrowed down the numerous Jam Labels he's
designed to a shortlist of four, and he'd like you to help him choose
the Winner by voting for label A, B, C or D.
As
for the jam itself, he says it tastes just like his Mum, Mrs
Vermilingua, would have made if only she'd thought of it – but he's come
too far to let that stop him...
So: A, B, C or D – You Decide!
Now I remember why Wilson wanted the grass cuttings – it was so he could convert them into Grass Jam, a premium product made from waste!
He's managed to get most* of the smoke stains off the ceiling over the hob, and now he's in the dining room designing a label for his new conserve.
He says that getting the label design 'Just right' is a vital step in the marketing of a new foodstuff, 'Particularly if it's a Luxury Product!'
He considered for a moment, and added, 'Even more so if it doesn't taste all that good – I may need to market this as a "Sophisticated Acquired Taste".'
Once again, to W's great annoyance, everyone in the family considers themselves a Graphic Designer once the iMac is booted up... but at least he doesn't have to contend with the still-absent self-styled 'Design Maven' Uncle Zoltan!
______
* a few
As the 'experiment' proceeded Wilson turned on the wireless and heard an interesting News item:
📻 ❝ Prince Andrew has declared himself to be an 'Ideas Factory' after upgrading the Wi-Fi at Buckingham Palace.❞
'Ideas Factory?' Wilson scoffed, 'I bet he didn't even upgrade the Wi-Fi himself, just paid someone else to do it for him!'
Warming to his theme, he continued, 'Has Prince Andrew invented a premium line of Fashion Socks? Several successful Card Games? An innovative Clothes Hire business? A celebrity Sticking Plaster? I don't think so!'
Tapping the side of his head with one claw, he announced, 'This is what an "Ideas Factory" looks like!'
Before he could continue, however, Byron touched him on the shoulder and said, 'Excuse me interrupting, Bro, but I think the Experiment's nearly ready! Shall I get the fire extinguisher?'
Yesterday – for what I sincerely hope is the last time this year – I mowed the lawn.
Some time ago, Wilson asked me to save some of the cuttings for him to use in an experiment – I've done so, in hopes that it will distract him from his recent problems.
He and Byron are currently busy in the kitchen, performing their experiment, and I'm keeping an eye on them so no paws get burnt, nor noses singed, as Byron isn't as used to cooking as W.
I asked whether they would be sending the results of their scientific investigation to New Scientist magazine – to my surprise, Wilson replied he was more likely to submit it to the trade journal of food retailing, The Grocer...
