07/01/2017

TEA AND BISCUITS

Once Wilson had completed his examination of Calendars and Children's Books we sat down in the café to review what we had learned.

I drew Wilson's attention to the fact that all the calendars on display were marked down to half price, because they were a very seasonal product which, if not sold quickly, immediately lost most of their value.

On the other hand, as one of W's friends has pointed out, maybe the Anteater Calendars were so popular that they'd all sold out — in which case there wasn't a gap in the market at all.

W conceded that while calendars could do with more investigation, children's books were always in high demand — to which end he's bought a copy of That's Not My Cow for research purposes while designing his own book That's Not My Anteater.

'If That's Not My Anteater is a success,' Wilson explained, 'I will consider expanding my publishing empire with The Very Hungry Anteater and possibly even The Anteater Who Came To Tea.'

I hope the publishers of the original books don't hear about this and get a bit cross...


06/01/2017

THAT'S NOT MY...

Moving on from calendars, Wilson checked out the display of children's books.

It didn't take him long to note the total absence of That's Not My Anteater from Usborn's range of That's Not My... touchy-feely books.


I shall prepare myself for a large invoice from on-line book publishers Blurb...



04/01/2017

GARDEN CENTRE

Once we reached the garden centre Wilson dashed inside and — even before calling in at the restaurant — headed directly to the Stationery department.

Here he walked slowly up and down the calendars aisle, examining each calendar in detail.


At length he rejoined me and reported his findings. 'There are calendars about Piglets, Owls, Goats and Cats. There are calendars about every breed of dog in existence, plus some made-up breeds. There are even calendars about water-skiing guinea pigs, cats doing yoga and puppies dressed up as fairies!'


I waited, sure of what was coming next. I was not disappointed.


'Do you know how many calendars there were about anteaters?'


I raised my eyebrows enquiringly, sensing this was a rhetorical question.


'NONE!' he exclaimed, 'Not a single one! I have definitely found a huge gap in the calendar market — and who is better placed to fill that gap than me?'  


I should probably prepare myself for a large invoice from on-line calendar printers VistaPrint...



02/01/2017

BARGAIN HUNT

Now Xmas is over, Wilson woke me very early this morning, asking to go to the Garden Centre to score some post-Xmas bargains.

As we drove through the sombre, brown countryside he lamented that if only he'd been born in 'Queen Victor's' reign he could have become rich and famous by inventing the Xmas Card, but sadly all the best inventions have now been invented by other people.


I replied that as a child I had thought exactly the same, although my childhood was in an age when how things worked could generally be deduced by taking them apart; nowadays no amount of casual dismantling will tell you how a smartphone or a digital camera functions.


I suggested than maybe he could find some simple, non-technological everyday object that people loved and needed, and improve on it in some way.


He subsided into a ruminative silence until we arrived at the Garden Centre.



01/01/2017

NEW YEAR'S DAY

The entire family slept in this morning, following a very late night last night (although nobody managed to stay awake until midnight) then gathered to watch Disney's new CGI Jungle Book.

Neither Neil the Sloth nor Mole the Mole is used to TV, so Wilson gave them each a bag of Cheesy Wotsits and suggested they didn't watch the drama, lest they be scared.


Mole confessed that the Wotsits were a welcome change from Earthworms and grubs, while Neil said they were 'V-e-r-y ...' but we never found out what.


During one of the (many) comfort breaks required by the younger children, Wilson mentioned that he had been researching Xmas online, telling me confidently that, 'Before Queen Victor and her husband Prince Charles Dickens invented the Xmas Tree, Xmas used to last 12 days! I think WE should start doing that next Xmas!'


My heart sank a little at the thought of 12 days of unremitting eating and drinking, when I can barely cope with two! 


'Although,' he continued, 'there weren't any presents until the last day. I don't think I could wait that long.'


I enjoyed Jungle Book much more than I'd expected — it was quite dark, and hardly at all cutesy!
______________


Being the first of the month, today should have been The Bees' Blog, but they said that, following all the festivities, they'd prefer to just chill in front of the box. 


They both insisted that they weren't giving up on the Blog, and they'd be back on 1 February as usual!



31/12/2016

NEW YEAR'S EVE

As midnight draws (fairly) near and Tiny Toy snores gently (he's usually in bed by 5 pm) everyone has gathered in the dining room to wish you all a Very Happy New Year!

I know that Wilson — although he hasn't made any New Year's Resolutions per se — has many plans which he hopes to bring to fruition next year. 


I don't know what they are, so all I can do is await them with trepidation, and fear the worst!


Just as Uncle Zoltan was preparing to give a long and tedious toast about the turning of the year, Billi the Bee, rebellious as ever, suddenly interrupted, shouting: '2017 — could you just try to be a bit less crap than 2016?'


At first Uncle Z was flustered and quite annoyed, but after a moment's thought he repeated Billi's toast, and everyone clapped!


So, here's hoping YOUR 2017 will be happy, peaceful, healthy and a bit less crap than 2016 — CHEERS! 🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷



30/12/2016

FREEZING FOG

Despite the bitter cold, Wilson wrapped up and ventured into the garden this morning to have a word with the sTone Brothers about New Year's Eve, and came across Mole the Mole, who asked if it would be possible for W to turn the heating up a little. 

Wilson immediately invited him indoors for the winter — who knows, perhaps he'll be able to help us out with our Xmas Cake Glut...


In other news, a fragment of information from Neil the Sloth: he has told us he used to live in the Gift Shop at the IoW Zoo.


Wilson is himself a member of the Great Sloth Dynasty, but even he is growing wearied of the time it takes to gain any information from Neil...



29/12/2016

BOXING DAY

Much of Boxing Day was spent with Wilson and the older children playing The Chase

Diesel the Goldfish was allowed to take part, but before he's thought of the answer he's forgotten the question, so he's at a bit of a disadvantage.


The furry little brown guy sitting on the floor with Antony is Neil the Sloth — more about him as we find it out. 


He was a gift to Wilson from Dennis the Giant Anteater on the Isle of Wight, but he does everything s-o-o-o-o   s-l-o-w-l-y that it's taken us two days even to learn his name...


28/12/2016

XMAS DAY

For Xmas Wilson gave me a pair of personalised number plates (which I'll show you later) and a gift-wrapped box of plastic forks, coffee stirrers, sachets of sugar and ketchup, half-size pencils, napkins, paper tape measures and tiny ball-point pens. He said that if I didn't want to use them, at least I had the basis of an excellent collection!

I gave Wilson some toys, The Chase board game and a 'Beach Hut' Kit for the garden — I thought he might like to paint it to look like a TARDIS so he can play Dr Who with his friends.


During the Queen's Speech, Wilson and the boys played Twister, with the smaller children playing a parallel game on a Finger Twister board!


Wilson was very excited to get a good ant joke in his cracker: 'How do you tell the sex of an ant? Drop it in water — if it sinks it's a girl ant; if it floats it's bouyant'!


W also received an unexpected gift from Dennis the Giant Anteater on the Isle of Wight — more about this later...


24/12/2016

XMAS EVE

Wilson and his whole family (with the possible exception of Uncle Zoltan) are in a state of maximum excitement as the final, final preparations are made for Xmas — I don't think anyone will be getting much sleep tonight!

Actually, TT and Johnson Minor have already had a brief spell in the Brown Paper Bag Of Serenity®™[pat pending] to calm them down. 


We wish you ALL a V Brilliant and fANTastic Xmas, especially newly-wed Mrs Julia Edwards and Mr Matthew Edwards, from Wilson, Polly and Billi the Bees, Antony, Tiny Toy, Johnson Maj and Johnson Mi, Dave the Pig, the sTone Brothers, Diesel the Goldfish, the Easter Island Heads, the Mole living in the garden, me, and anyone else I've forgotten!


I expect I'll be too busy assembling and playing with (and probably repairing) Wilson's new toys to blog for a couple of days, but I'll tell you all about our Xmas as soon as I can. 


Wilson, however (even more addicted to Social Media than me) will probably continue to Tweet about what's going on — check him out and chat with him at: @WVermilingua on Twitter!



23/12/2016

BEST MAN'S SPEECH

Wilson's speech was received very well — I hope he won't be offended if I say surprisingly well. 

Before the applause had died down he snatched up his guitar and started singing a song he'd written for the wedding, called Wedding Bee Blues, because it's based on a similar song he wrote when the Bees got married: 


     'Woke up this morning
          Climbed out of my bed,
     Well, I woke up this morning
          Climbed out of my soft, warm bed,
     Then I suddenly remembered:
          Ms Julia's gettin' wed!'


... and so on, for several more verses.


His claws kept getting stuck in the strings during the chord changes, but overall it sounded pretty good, all things considered, and he's almost mastered the Bob Dylan voice. Dylan: the Late Years 'helium' version, that is…


As his song ended, and just as he was about to segue into Disco Hits From the Eighties on his spoons and kazoo, I whispered into his ear, 'Why not leave them wanting more?' 


Removing the kazoo from his mouth he replied, 'I've got you, New Dad; I'll do this later — when everyone's dancing and had a bit more to drink!'


Finally, before the toasts began, Wilson passed among the bemused guests handing out flyers advertising his 'Surprisingly Inexpensive' Speech Writing Service...



21/12/2016

WEDDING OF THE YEAR

Wilson was quite surprised to discover that he was not the only Best Man! There were a couple of other 'Groomsmen' as they were officially called, which is apparently an American Tradition. 

W took the news quite well because, if anything, it should ease the pressure on him.


After posing for the group photos he decided that his Wedding Shoes were entirely unsuitable as wet weather wear, saying that when the wedding was over he'd dry them out and take them back to the shop and try to exchange them for Wellington Boots.


During the drive to the Marriot Hotel for the Reception, I could see his lips moving as he ran through his Best Man's speech in his head — he's quite apprehensive about delivering it, but I'm sure it will be just fine. 


Although I've no idea what's in it — I hope there's nothing too risqué...


There'll be more news and pictures from the Wedding Of The Year on Friday — don't miss it!



18/12/2016

GET ME TO THE CHURCH!

We've just set off for Ms Julia's Wedding! 

Wilson, assuming that our car will be what he calls the Wedding Carriage, has decorated it with messages, and a white ribbon at the front. 


We'd got as far as Gatwick before my nerves snapped: stopping the car I stepped outside and cut the strings trailing the tin cans from the rear bumper.


Thereafter W passed the time rehearsing the Wedding Song he's written for tomorrow — he can't manage the guitar in the passenger seat so he's making do with his spoons and kazoo. 


I don't mean to be critical, but after a while I began to think I preferred the sounds of the tin cans dragging behind us.


There won't be any post tomorrow due to the wedding — but I hope we'll be back Wednesday, perhaps with some of the wedding photos!



17/12/2016

FREE DECORATIONS

I took Wilson shopping yesterday, to take his mind off the upcoming wedding, as he's becoming a tiny bit nervous about discharging his Best Man duties successfully.

While we were out he noticed that a lot of the shops and stores we visited give away free stuff — plastic forks, coffee stirrers, sachets of sugar and ketchup, half-size pencils, napkins, paper tape measures, tiny ball-point pens and so on — and he's started collecting them. 


Kids and their collections, eh? Still, it's keeping him happy.

Before I forget, here as promised are the FREE DECORATIONS Wilson has designed for you.


He says you should cut them out carefully then fold them in half before gluing them closed and hanging them on your Xmas Tree. 


Wilson  warns that you should enlist the help of a grown-up while you're using the scissors and the glue, as he has had nasty fur-related accidents with both in the past...



16/12/2016

DRESSING THE TREE

With the help of all the children, Wilson is decorating the Xmas Tree. 

If you look closely, you might just make out the special Baubles W is using: he has told me that he'll will be giving away some of those — and some other 'special' decorations — tomorrow. 


Don't miss out on getting them as they will add 'Magic, beauty and a certain Je Ne Sais Quoi to your tree!' 


I must stress those are W's words, not mine, so I hope you won't be disappointed.


Wilson is hoping that, what with his new furstyle, he might 'get off' with one of the bridesmaids — he say that it's a 'Well-known wedding tradition.'  


I really must have a word with him about Appropriate and Decorous Behaviour at Ms Julia's wedding on Monday...



14/12/2016

INTO THE DARKNESS

Yesterday Wilson made a foray into the loft to find the Xmas Decorations. 

He doesn't like it up there as it's dark, cobwebby and a tiny bit spooky, but he bravely persisted until the living room floor was ankle deep in tinsel, fairy lights and glass baubles. 


As Xmas draws ever nearer, Wilson would like to wish all his readers and listeners a...
     Noël très heureux
     Zeer Gelukkige Kerstmis
     Sehr glückliches Weihnachten
     Πολύ ευτυχή Χριστούγεννα
     Natale molto felice
     非常に楽しいクリスマス
     Natal muito feliz
     Очень счастливое Кристмас
     Navidad muy feliz

... which he REALLY HOPES means "Very Happy Xmas" rather than something rude! There is a measure of doubt because Uncle Zoltan provided the translations. 😕



12/12/2016

HAIRCUT

This morning I took Wilson to Ali's Fantastic Barber Shop in the High Street for a trim before the wedding. 

He was very impressed by the cool wallpaper, but then he caught sight of the wash basins and I had to reassure him that having his fur washed was optional.


While we waited for W's turn, I tried to interest him in starting up a Newspaper of some kind to occupy him now his Radio Station has closed. 


He dismissed this, saying that Print Media Are Dead and quoting Marshall McLuhan to me:


'We shape our tools and afterwards our tools shape us,' he intoned sternly, and 'All media exist to invest our lives with artificial perceptions and arbitrary values.'


I think this might be a bit too deep for me, but I do get the point — he's not going to start a newspaper. 


Better cancel that John Bull Printing Set I'd ordered for him for Xmas.


Whatever, once his fur had been trimmed he couldn't take his eyes off his reflection, saying that his new 'do' made him look 'Dangerous, but cuddly!' which is apparently 'Wicked!'



11/12/2016

RADIO W GOES OFF-AIR

Wilson has decided, with great sadness, that he will have to close Wonderful Radio W

He says it was much more all-consuming than he'd expected, and it didn't leave him any time to pursue his other interests. Or to sleep. Moreover, with Ms Julia's Wedding now only eight days away, Radio W is simply no longer viable.


It's a shame, as he's put a lot of work into Radio W — but I shall be happy to get the dining room back in time for Xmas!


He is planning a final broadcast, called His Final Hour which rather puts me in mind of the very sad day when Pirate Station Radio London finally ceased transmission following the Marine, &c., Broadcasting (Offences) Act 1967 ... 


At present, Polly and Billi are Guest DJ-ing, while Wilson sits in the living room contemplating his lost media empire and Antony attempts to console him. 


That's a big ask for a small stuffed toy, but he IS Wilson's dearest friend and closest confidant so he just might be up to the task...


To ease the pain for his loyal listeners, W has told me that he will soon be sending out some special Xmas Gifts!
_____


Please don't say anything to Wilson, but I'm taking him into the village tomorrow to have his fur trimmed in time for the wedding — that should take his mind off his troubles, as he's never been to a barbers before!



10/12/2016

SECRET MISSION

Wilson mentioned to me that running a 24/7 Live Radio Station takes up a lot more of his time than he'd expected, and that he may have to start recording programmes in advance, or even letting the older children run the station sometimes to give him a break.

I sympathised, then reminded him that it's only nine days until Ms Julia's wedding... and he went into Panic Mode. I hope he's got all his Best Man duties under control!


Not a word to Wilson, but I've sent Dave the Pig into the Studio on a Secret Mission: to covertly retrieve the New Scientist Metaphysics Special Edition and bring it to me, so I can hide it from W. 


I don't like doing this, but it's the only way I can think of to avert another of Wilson's Existential Crises...



09/12/2016

THE HOUR OF PRAYER

Wilson has started advertising his Speech Writing service Wedding Etc Speeches R Us on Radio W. 

I must say, they sound brilliant — though he hasn't read out any actual samples, just described how witty, funny and generally entertaining the speeches are once you've bought one. Judging by how long he took writing his Best Man speech, I'd guess they're pretty brief, too!


Today marks the debut of his new religious slot on Radio W: The Hour Of Prayera Pastafarian programme of Prayers and Pasta. According to his American friends, religious shows can generate a LOT of income!


Wilson just sits in front of the microphone, wearing his official Pastafarian Hat of Office (a colander), and talks to his listeners about the Flying Spaghetti Monster. His monologues consist almost exclusively of him reading out pasta-with-ants recipes, and occasionally declaiming (in a revivalist-preacher sort of voice) 'I have been touched by his Noodly Appendage!'


I'd be surprised if he can really keep this up for a whole hour...


In other news, today's Chase Question is:


'Does God Exist?
     A: Yes;
     B: No;
     C: It depends what you mean by "exist".'


I'm not sure this is a suitable question for a popular afternoon quiz show, and religion can be quite a contentious issue — but what do I know?