Only a few days after announcing the start of the new Bee Football Season, it has been cancelled!
Billi says she can't possibly countenance playing 'some stupid game' while innocent bees are under sentence of death by the Government.
Polly has organised an on-line petition urging DEFRA* to check it's facts and lift the death sentence imposed on the supposedly-Turkish Bee.
Uncle Zoltan has typed a strongly-worded letter to the MP for Bristol (where the bee was last seen) pointing out that Capital Punishment was abolished in Great Britain in 1965, and that the officials at DEFRA couldn't find their own Spiracles using both Tarsi!
Uncle Z certainly doesn't pull his punches – I hope he hasn't overstepped the mark here…
If she wants my advice, Theresa Villiers MP, Head of DEFRA, would be well advised to capitulate now, because once Billi's got her mandibles into something – particularly a social injustice – she doesn't let go!
However, while Polly and her colleagues were preparing little protest banners for a march on Parliament, news arrived that the Turkish Bee has escaped!
*DEFRA = Department for Environment, Food & Rural Affairs
When the boys and I arrived home from the village, we found both The Bees in a terrible state!
I had made the mistake of leaving the tv tuned to a News Channel, and Billi had seen an item about a Turkish bee being condemned to death – by the British Government!
Polly was in floods of tears, while Billi was incandescent with rage!
I found this entire tale very difficult to believe, but on checking it out I discovered that the facts as outlined to me were substantially correct:
https://globalnews.ca/news/5706637/turkish-bee-sentenced-to-death/
'The worst thing is,' Billi raged, 'the Turkish Bee is endangered – and our government wants to kill it! But', she paused for breath, 'the bee isn't even Turkish! The Government says it's an Osmia Avosetta, but even the most stunted of intellects can see it's a Megachile Centuncularis!'
She threw up her tarsi in despair.
I will freely admit, I'm no Bee Expert (I can't even tell Polly and Billi apart, except for their personalities) but Billi is an undisputed expert in her field, and if she says it's a Megachile Centuncularis – then that's unarguably what it is!
Everyone was pretty drained after an entire weekend of virtual space travel, so leaving the younger children in the care of Polly and Billi I took Wilson and Byron into the village to get some fresh air and relax.
Byron asked whether we could have a look in the book shop as he wanted to buy a book on the Moon Landings with his pocket money.
Guess what I found while they were browsing in the Non-Fiction and Cookery sections respectively!
Both Wilson and Byron are quite unusual names so, thinking this was too good an opportunity to miss, I bought both books as a little surprise for later.
As we were driving home Wilson mentioned that, following Liverpool's attempt to trademark the word 'Liverpool' he was considering attempting something similar himself.
I smiled indulgently, and asked what word he had in mind.
'Biro and me are still considering what word would be best…' he replied. 'We've got several brilliant words on the shortlist, but I think it best to keep them under wraps for now!'
'Yes, they're Top Secret!' Byron confirmed…
Not content with building a replica of the Lunar Lander for Wilson and Byron, Nërp has somehow also constructed a facsimile of Houston Control, for the other children!
There's even an intercom so they can communicate with the 'Eagle Lander', and Nërp has now taken on the role of Michael Collins, the Astronaut who remained in the Lunar Orbiter.
Pterry is even starting to join in – he keeps shouting 'Roger, Twank*' and giggling uncontrollably!
However, he seems incapable of addressing Wilson as 'Buzz' (whether this references Buzz Aldrin or Lightyear is unclear) instead always calling him Mummy, which Wilson insists is causing some unwelcome amusement amongst the other crew members (ie Byron) – which he fears might possibly lead to an eventual breakdown of discipline…
_________
*In the excitement of the lander finally touching down on the lunar surface, Mission Control's exact words were:
'Roger, Twank...Tranquility, we copy you on the ground. You got a bunch of guys about to turn blue here. We're breathing again. Thanks a lot!'
Pterry finds this small slip of the tongue extremely amusing, and will not let it go!
Nërp has been working all night, and the Apollo 11 Lunar Lander Simulator 'EAGLE' is now completed – and I must say he's made a remarkable job of it!
I don't know whether all the buttons and controls actually do anything, but they all press and click, and look totally authentic – Wilson and Byron are thrilled!
The Simulator is set up in the living room in front of the tv, on which Nërp is showing videos of the lunar landscape to increase the immersiveness of the experience.
In the interests of authenticity, Nërp has decided to remain outside Eagle, as there were only two astronauts present during the actual landing – but he's keeping an eye on everything through the little windows in the Lander, and calling out answers to any questions the boys have, while observing strict communication protocols: he won't answer unless the question is preceded by, 'Tranquility Base to Houston,' and pauses to simulate the time delay for the signal to travel from the Moon to the Earth and back again.
To keep tension to a minimum, he is also streaming a performance of Katie Paterson's 2007 piano piece, 'Earth-Moon-Earth' – although were it me a million miles from home, I would find its constant intermittent silences a tiny bit unnerving…
Whenever either of the boys has to leave the Lander (for a comfort break, say, or to top-up with Cheesy Wotsits) they say, 'That's One Small Step for an Anteater – One Giant Leap for Anteater-kind!', and they've set up two flags on sticks, claiming the living room jointly for Uckfield and Costa Rica.
Bless…
Wilson and Byron have seen the younger children having a lot of fun playing in the little Lunar Lander Simulator Nërp built for them, and have requested something similar – but larger – for themselves.
Nërp has happily agreed, gratified to be bringing Science, Engineering and Astrophysics into their lives.
While Nërp is working on the Simulator, the boys are trying to pass the time by playing a version of Who Is It? which they've adapted to use pictures of various species of ants in place of the cartoon portraits usually used.
They call this game What Ant Is It? and I can hear them asking each other questions.
Questions like:
'Does this ant have bifurcated tarsi?',
'Does this ant have a peppery taste?',
'Do you think Nërp will be much longer building our Simulator?'
and so on.
Occasionally one or other of them will call out, 'Nërp! How's the Simulator going – is it nearly finished yet?' to which Nërp will reply (with the patience apparently available only to non-humans) 'It's coming along very well, thank you for asking – I've just installed the Thruster Servo Controllers, then I'm going adjust the Flux Capacitors, for which I will need absolute silence, if you'd be so kind…'
Obviously we were very upset when the British Lionesses got knocked out of the World Cup, but now that the nicer weather has arrived we're re-forming our Uckfield Bees Football Club!
We were going to rename our little team the British Bee-esses, in honour of the British Lionesses, but it's a bit difficult to say – especially in footy chants – so we've decided instead on Uckfield Queen Bees FC!
🐝 SCIENCE NEWS:
Scientists are 'Surprised' that bees can Learn, Remember and Match Symbols. How stupid – if scientists had bothered to ask, we could have told them that, and challenged them to a game of football!
https://apple.news/AfiJr3qzCRAmSu42mIyCYXw
🐝 WORLD NEWS:
Utrecht in Holland is planting grass and wildflowers on the roofs of city bus shelters, to help bees!
And in Sweden, McDonalds has opened a restaurant just for bees!
We know fast food is bad for you, but it would be such a treat to take our boys Johnson and Johnson to a McDonalds and not have all the other customers swatting us away – it doesn't make us feel very welcome when we're having a family day out!
https://apple.news/AKylWUsG1TamIlwsGZrUjZA
https://bgr.com/2019/05/25/mcdonalds-for-bees-worlds-smallest-sweden/
So anyway, we've been The Bees and we'll see you all next month for more Bee-related news and updates!
Until then, BEEEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD!
Nërp was very impressed by how well his Lunar Lander Demonstrations were received at the recent Moon Landing Party, and now he's in the kitchen building a Lunar Lander Module Simulator out of cardboard for the younger children to play in – he's very keen to encourage an interest in science and STEM subjects in everyone, no matter how young. Or sentient…
Antony (who is actually in charge of the Sellotape Machine – tearing off short lengths and handing them to Nërp as required!), TinyToy (currently dozing in Nërp's tool box – I think it all got too overwhelming for him) and the Johnson Brothers are very excited, and while Pterry doesn't really know what's going on, he has taken quite a shine to his 'Uncle Nërp'.
Perhaps when Nërp's niece arrives they'll be able to play together?
The business cards for the Drug Naming Services company Wilson and Byron have started have just been delivered!
He's really pushed the boat out this time, using heavy cream stock with an embossed finish, spot varnish and red metallic foil because, as he explained, 'Image is everything in the Big Pharma game!'
Halfway through showing everyone his cards, something about Liverpool came on the news – W paused, raising his paw for silence.
The news item was an unlikely story about Liverpool Football Club trying to trademark the word Liverpool!
I scoffed, saying that they had no chance of trademarking a word that had existed untroubled for more than 800 years… although I have seen some shocking (AKA Stupid) decisions taken recently, so perhaps I shouldn't be too confident!
Wilson has no interest in football, but having been to Liverpool on holiday a few years ago, I suppose he might be interested in anything about the beautiful city… although perhaps I should now have referred to the Birthplace of the Beatles as:
Liverpool™
As soon as yesterday's Press Conference ended, Wilson passed me a bottle of pills labelled Zyquako Tablets and told me to take one.
I was hesitant to accept, but he assured me, 'It's okay – they're free!'
'But what are they?' I asked.
'Who knows?' he replied, 'I found them in the bathroom cabinet and re-labelled them – but with a great name like Zyquako, they're certain to make you feel better. I know I feel better just reading the label!'
I declined his kind offer, but he persisted.
'Look, they were already in your bathroom cabinet so you were probably taking them anyway – or at least, somebody you knew was – so what harm can they do? Neck a couple of them, say how great they are and point out to your readers how they wouldn't have done you half as much good if they didn't have an awesome name like Zyquako™ (©2019 Vermilingua+Associates DNS Services)! It's not a lot to ask…'
Opening the bottle I shook out a couple of the tablets and examined them – they appeared to be a Vitamin C Supplement, so I reluctantly swallowed one.
Pterry started to cry.
After a moment Byron enquired, 'Do you feel amazing yet, Wilson's New Dad?'
I told him that, while I had felt just fine before, after taking just one Zyquako™ tablet I could truthfully say that I didn't yet feel any worse…
My Study has been spared! YAY!
The boys have chosen NOT to establish their DNS International World Headquarters in my Study, after all – Wilson told me that it's just too cramped and untidy, and didn't give the 'right impression'.
Instead they've set up in the Dining Room, where they've called a Press Conference.
This is to Unveil their Company to the world… and to reveal that they will be giving away two new and unique drug names, in order to demonstrate the kind of prestige operation they are running!
However, Wilson has made it perfectly clear that this is, as he put it, 'Strictly a one-off, a Gesture of Goodwill to introduce our Totes Amazeballs service to the world of Big Pharma!' and all future drug names will be charged at the Usual Rates.
Present at the Press Conference are Proprietor Wilson, Principal Associate Byron, CFO Antony, Marketing Director TT, Technical Advisor Nërp and Pterry (because he cries if he's left alone).
I've just been to the Car Wash to get the Juke a complete interior valet.
This didn't entirely remove the smell of formalin, but the nice lady at the pay desk took pity on me and gave me a free Watermelon Air Freshener (Extra Strength) – and agreed to safely dispose of Wilson's home-made Magic Tree for me in their Hazardous Waste bin.
Arriving home, I was very surprised to learn that Uckfield is now a major player in the Pharmaceutical Industry!
A Brass Plate, which Wilson had just finished fixing to the wall, informed me that our house is now the World Headquarters of Vermilingua+Associates Drug Naming Services!
Of course, this isn't Wilson's first time at the Big Pharma Rodeo – long-time readers may remember his Brave Little Dude sticking plasters, with their mission statement: Bringing Succour To A Suffering World...
W tried to allay my immediate fears by explaining that, having learned from past mistakes, he would not this time be rushing to lease prestigious office space – until his fledgling Drug Naming Services business takes off, he and Byron will just be working from home.
There goes my Study, then, I'm guessing…
Whether due to the Miraculous Healing Powers of Wilson's 'Splashdown™® Hangover Cure' (as he and Byron believe) or merely the passage of time (my own theory) both boys were up bright and early today – accompanied by an acrid and unpleasant smell.
'Mmm – you smell great today, New Dad!' Wilson greeted me, 'New aftershave?'
He sniffed theatrically, then added, 'Oh wait a minute – it must be the seductive and alluring aroma of our new Car Air Freshener!'
From behind his back he withdrew one of the home-made Magic Tree-type Air Fresheners he and Byron had made a few days ago, and held it out to me proudly.
'It's time for the Testing Phase – we'll go and hang this in the car and wait for you – don't be long!'
In order to test the air freshener's efficacy we all drove round to the local Sewage Farm – I kept the windows wound down as the overpowering formalin fumes were making my eyes water so much I could barely see to drive.
Reaching our destination, the aroma of partially-treated effluent came almost as a welcome relief…
Apparently feeling a little the worse for wear following yesterday's Moon Landing Party, Wilson and Byron shuffled in to breakfast very late this morning.
Declining my offer of cereal, pannini and scrambled eggs on toast, Wilson announced that he had invented a hangover cure which he has named Splashdown, which he and Byron were about to test.
It seems to be one of the Rules Of Life that the older one gets, the more tablets one needs to take each day – year by year the number of prescription capsules and tabs I neck each day seem to increase alarmingly…
I noticed Wilson queasily observing me as I downed the first phase of my day's supply of medication.
'Woah!' he exclaimed, 'you'll never catch me taking that many tablets – I'll just stick with my Splashdown Hangover Cure…'
Drawing closer, his lips moved silently as he tried to pronounce the unfamiliar and outlandish names of the drugs.
Byron asked, 'Excuse me, Wilson's New Dad, but who makes up these weird names?'
'Somebody at the Drug Company, I suppose,' I replied, adding, 'I once read that giving a drug a good name is nearly as difficult as inventing the drug in the first place!'
I thought I saw Wilson smile approvingly at Byron – but I was probably mistaken.
Both lads downed their Splashdowns, grimaced, gathered up Antony, TT and Pterry between them and wandered off looking thoughtful – something which, I have come to learn, rarely bodes well…
Here's a nice photo of yesterday's Moon Landing Party in full swing!
At the height of the proceedings, Uncle Zoltan wandered in to complain about the noise and enquire what all the commotion was about.
Wilson explained about the party and reluctantly invited Uncle Z to stay.
'Moon Landings?' Uncle Z replied incredulously, 'You still believe in all that stuff? It's Fake News, dear boy! The so-called "moon landings" were filmed on a movie set on Area 51, and Stanley Kubrick was the Director – it's a well known fact!'
His scepticism didn't prevent him from tucking in to a large slice of Moon Cake, which he judged greatly inferior to the cake he would have baked – had he been asked…
Throughout this, Nërp maintained a strict neutrality and continued running his Lunar Module Landing Demonstrations – hoisting a Lego Lunar Lander up to the ceiling on a length of string, then lowering it slowly to the floor while counting out how many seconds of fuel remained.
Each time the Lander settled on 'Tranquility Base' he would announce gravely, 'Houston – the Eagle has landed!'
Following each successful touchdown, Pterry would cry excitedly, 'Again! Do it again, Uncle Nërp!'
🎶 IT WAS FIFTY YEARS AGO TODAY… 🎶
I can still clearly remember the almost unbearable tension and excitement laced with anxiety and apprehension – although of course to the boys it's more like a history lesson.
However, I've and told them what I recall about Apollo 11 and the heart-stopping Lunar Touchdown and shown them some archive footage, and Wilson has decided to commemorate the anniversary in the best way he knows how: with some saleable souvenirs!
Accordingly, he's designed a Souvenir Postcard and some Badges – one of the Badges shows a Lego President Kennedy giving his iconic Landing A Man On The Moon Speech to Congress on 25 May 1961, and the other… well, the other one doesn't.
With all the excitement, Wilson was unable to sleep last night – so he got up and designed some more decorations to use while drinking his Apollo Eleven Cocktails.
Check back tomorrow to see how the party went…
The 50th Anniversary of the Moon Landing is TOMORROW!
Wilson and Byron, together with the younger children, have been making Lego Space ships and so on, and intend to observe the occasion with a little party involving 'Moon Cakes' and a special cocktail of W's own invention, which he calls The Apollo Eleven.
To help you pass the time until tomorrow, Wilson has drawn a diagram of some decorations you can cut out and make to spice-up your commemorative cocktails – although in the spirit of the Cold War, he's keeping the recipe (or formula, as he's calling it) of The Apollo Eleven Cocktail secret!
Also he suggests there is no better day to re-read his Space Flight Book, Anteaters In Space – perhaps while sipping your Cocktails!
I have suggested to W that he should try to keep young Pterry away from the cocktails – perhaps just letting him play with the Rocket Decorations…
Wilson favours sports and games which can be played sitting down – F1 Racing, Name That Ant, Exploding Kittens, Sushi Go! and similar.
At one time he thought he might be a Wimbledon Tennis Champion, but grudgingly acknowledged that he would need to take a nap between Sets. And Games. And probably even between points.
Neither of us knows whether he likes Cricket, because whenever he's tried watching it he's been asleep within seconds…
However, as he told me this morning, 'We don't win many International Sporting Events, so when we do it's worth celebrating! – You know, making a bit of an effort!'
Young Pterry has been following Wilson around all morning, plaintively crying, 'Mummy – can we go to the park?', 'Mummy – can we play Lego?', 'Mummy – can I play Angry Birds on your phone?' and finally, 'Muuu-mmmyyy – I'm booored!'
Eventually Wilson was worn down, and agreed to watch some television.
They all settled down in the living room, Byron turned on the TV, and on came one of Wilson's favourites – The Clangers.
The Clangers are way cute – Wilson and Byron both love them – but something about them worries me.
Partly it's the way they communicate only by whistling, yet I can understand almost everything they say, and partly it's because they remind me of someone – but I just can't think who…
_____
NEWSFLASH! The Clangers are 50 years old this year!
Wilson and Byron have been doing some research to find out why Pterry thinks Wilson is his mother.
Wilson explained, 'When an animal hatches from its egg, the first thing it would usually see would be its mother. Consequently, the animal will assume that the first thing it sees is its mother – whatever that thing may be… a boot, a soft toy, a ball or, in this case, me! It's called "Imprinting".'
Pterry (who is there, apparently, because he is interested in researching his Family Tree) nodded enthusiastically, then gazed adoringly at W.
'So how do you stop this?' I asked, 'Can't you just explain things to the little guy?'
Wilson frowned. 'You can't,' he said. Pterry will always think I'm his mother – which is going to be well awks if I'm out on a date with some hot young lady!'
'Well Awks!' Byron agreed, glumly…
