My Study has been spared! YAY!
The boys have chosen NOT to establish their DNS International World Headquarters in my Study, after all – Wilson told me that it's just too cramped and untidy, and didn't give the 'right impression'.
Instead they've set up in the Dining Room, where they've called a Press Conference.
This is to Unveil their Company to the world… and to reveal that they will be giving away two new and unique drug names, in order to demonstrate the kind of prestige operation they are running!
However, Wilson has made it perfectly clear that this is, as he put it, 'Strictly a one-off, a Gesture of Goodwill to introduce our Totes Amazeballs service to the world of Big Pharma!' and all future drug names will be charged at the Usual Rates.
Present at the Press Conference are Proprietor Wilson, Principal Associate Byron, CFO Antony, Marketing Director TT, Technical Advisor Nërp and Pterry (because he cries if he's left alone).
I've just been to the Car Wash to get the Juke a complete interior valet.
This didn't entirely remove the smell of formalin, but the nice lady at the pay desk took pity on me and gave me a free Watermelon Air Freshener (Extra Strength) – and agreed to safely dispose of Wilson's home-made Magic Tree for me in their Hazardous Waste bin.
Arriving home, I was very surprised to learn that Uckfield is now a major player in the Pharmaceutical Industry!
A Brass Plate, which Wilson had just finished fixing to the wall, informed me that our house is now the World Headquarters of Vermilingua+Associates Drug Naming Services!
Of course, this isn't Wilson's first time at the Big Pharma Rodeo – long-time readers may remember his Brave Little Dude sticking plasters, with their mission statement: Bringing Succour To A Suffering World...
W tried to allay my immediate fears by explaining that, having learned from past mistakes, he would not this time be rushing to lease prestigious office space – until his fledgling Drug Naming Services business takes off, he and Byron will just be working from home.
There goes my Study, then, I'm guessing…
Whether due to the Miraculous Healing Powers of Wilson's 'Splashdown™® Hangover Cure' (as he and Byron believe) or merely the passage of time (my own theory) both boys were up bright and early today – accompanied by an acrid and unpleasant smell.
'Mmm – you smell great today, New Dad!' Wilson greeted me, 'New aftershave?'
He sniffed theatrically, then added, 'Oh wait a minute – it must be the seductive and alluring aroma of our new Car Air Freshener!'
From behind his back he withdrew one of the home-made Magic Tree-type Air Fresheners he and Byron had made a few days ago, and held it out to me proudly.
'It's time for the Testing Phase – we'll go and hang this in the car and wait for you – don't be long!'
In order to test the air freshener's efficacy we all drove round to the local Sewage Farm – I kept the windows wound down as the overpowering formalin fumes were making my eyes water so much I could barely see to drive.
Reaching our destination, the aroma of partially-treated effluent came almost as a welcome relief…
Apparently feeling a little the worse for wear following yesterday's Moon Landing Party, Wilson and Byron shuffled in to breakfast very late this morning.
Declining my offer of cereal, pannini and scrambled eggs on toast, Wilson announced that he had invented a hangover cure which he has named Splashdown, which he and Byron were about to test.
It seems to be one of the Rules Of Life that the older one gets, the more tablets one needs to take each day – year by year the number of prescription capsules and tabs I neck each day seem to increase alarmingly…
I noticed Wilson queasily observing me as I downed the first phase of my day's supply of medication.
'Woah!' he exclaimed, 'you'll never catch me taking that many tablets – I'll just stick with my Splashdown Hangover Cure…'
Drawing closer, his lips moved silently as he tried to pronounce the unfamiliar and outlandish names of the drugs.
Byron asked, 'Excuse me, Wilson's New Dad, but who makes up these weird names?'
'Somebody at the Drug Company, I suppose,' I replied, adding, 'I once read that giving a drug a good name is nearly as difficult as inventing the drug in the first place!'
I thought I saw Wilson smile approvingly at Byron – but I was probably mistaken.
Both lads downed their Splashdowns, grimaced, gathered up Antony, TT and Pterry between them and wandered off looking thoughtful – something which, I have come to learn, rarely bodes well…
Here's a nice photo of yesterday's Moon Landing Party in full swing!
At the height of the proceedings, Uncle Zoltan wandered in to complain about the noise and enquire what all the commotion was about.
Wilson explained about the party and reluctantly invited Uncle Z to stay.
'Moon Landings?' Uncle Z replied incredulously, 'You still believe in all that stuff? It's Fake News, dear boy! The so-called "moon landings" were filmed on a movie set on Area 51, and Stanley Kubrick was the Director – it's a well known fact!'
His scepticism didn't prevent him from tucking in to a large slice of Moon Cake, which he judged greatly inferior to the cake he would have baked – had he been asked…
Throughout this, Nërp maintained a strict neutrality and continued running his Lunar Module Landing Demonstrations – hoisting a Lego Lunar Lander up to the ceiling on a length of string, then lowering it slowly to the floor while counting out how many seconds of fuel remained.
Each time the Lander settled on 'Tranquility Base' he would announce gravely, 'Houston – the Eagle has landed!'
Following each successful touchdown, Pterry would cry excitedly, 'Again! Do it again, Uncle Nërp!'
🎶 IT WAS FIFTY YEARS AGO TODAY… 🎶
I can still clearly remember the almost unbearable tension and excitement laced with anxiety and apprehension – although of course to the boys it's more like a history lesson.
However, I've and told them what I recall about Apollo 11 and the heart-stopping Lunar Touchdown and shown them some archive footage, and Wilson has decided to commemorate the anniversary in the best way he knows how: with some saleable souvenirs!
Accordingly, he's designed a Souvenir Postcard and some Badges – one of the Badges shows a Lego President Kennedy giving his iconic Landing A Man On The Moon Speech to Congress on 25 May 1961, and the other… well, the other one doesn't.
With all the excitement, Wilson was unable to sleep last night – so he got up and designed some more decorations to use while drinking his Apollo Eleven Cocktails.
Check back tomorrow to see how the party went…
The 50th Anniversary of the Moon Landing is TOMORROW!
Wilson and Byron, together with the younger children, have been making Lego Space ships and so on, and intend to observe the occasion with a little party involving 'Moon Cakes' and a special cocktail of W's own invention, which he calls The Apollo Eleven.
To help you pass the time until tomorrow, Wilson has drawn a diagram of some decorations you can cut out and make to spice-up your commemorative cocktails – although in the spirit of the Cold War, he's keeping the recipe (or formula, as he's calling it) of The Apollo Eleven Cocktail secret!
Also he suggests there is no better day to re-read his Space Flight Book, Anteaters In Space – perhaps while sipping your Cocktails!
I have suggested to W that he should try to keep young Pterry away from the cocktails – perhaps just letting him play with the Rocket Decorations…
Wilson favours sports and games which can be played sitting down – F1 Racing, Name That Ant, Exploding Kittens, Sushi Go! and similar.
At one time he thought he might be a Wimbledon Tennis Champion, but grudgingly acknowledged that he would need to take a nap between Sets. And Games. And probably even between points.
Neither of us knows whether he likes Cricket, because whenever he's tried watching it he's been asleep within seconds…
However, as he told me this morning, 'We don't win many International Sporting Events, so when we do it's worth celebrating! – You know, making a bit of an effort!'
Young Pterry has been following Wilson around all morning, plaintively crying, 'Mummy – can we go to the park?', 'Mummy – can we play Lego?', 'Mummy – can I play Angry Birds on your phone?' and finally, 'Muuu-mmmyyy – I'm booored!'
Eventually Wilson was worn down, and agreed to watch some television.
They all settled down in the living room, Byron turned on the TV, and on came one of Wilson's favourites – The Clangers.
The Clangers are way cute – Wilson and Byron both love them – but something about them worries me.
Partly it's the way they communicate only by whistling, yet I can understand almost everything they say, and partly it's because they remind me of someone – but I just can't think who…
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NEWSFLASH! The Clangers are 50 years old this year!
Wilson and Byron have been doing some research to find out why Pterry thinks Wilson is his mother.
Wilson explained, 'When an animal hatches from its egg, the first thing it would usually see would be its mother. Consequently, the animal will assume that the first thing it sees is its mother – whatever that thing may be… a boot, a soft toy, a ball or, in this case, me! It's called "Imprinting".'
Pterry (who is there, apparently, because he is interested in researching his Family Tree) nodded enthusiastically, then gazed adoringly at W.
'So how do you stop this?' I asked, 'Can't you just explain things to the little guy?'
Wilson frowned. 'You can't,' he said. Pterry will always think I'm his mother – which is going to be well awks if I'm out on a date with some hot young lady!'
'Well Awks!' Byron agreed, glumly…
The diminutive dinosaur locked eyes with Wilson and cried: 'Mummy!'
Wilson visibly blanched!
'My name is Pterry, and you are my Mummy!' the creature announced.
Wilson snorted derisorily: 'Pterry the Pterodactyl? That's a bit of a cliché, isn't it?'
Antony the Anteater coughed and gave Wilson a very hard stare.
W shrugged. 'Hmm. Pterry it is, then!'
Wilson then patiently explained to Pterry that he is not his 'Mummy' but in fact the proprietor of the Museum inside which he has been born.
Pterry absorbed this information, nodding gravely at each statement.
W then told Pterry could stay, so long as he agrees to put on 'a bit of a show' for museum visitors.
'You know the sort of thing: flap your wings about, growl a bit, look adorable… but threatening – do you understand?'
Pterry nodded, 'Okay, Mummy!'
Nërp has finally decided that the Strange Stone in the Museum is 'probably' not on his database, and taken the decision to inform Wilson of its sudden and mysterious appearance.
On receiving the news, Wilson immediately assumed that the museum had suffered an asteroid strike – he grabbed Antony and Tiny Toy and rushed out to take them to his underground Asteroid Shelter.
Actually, he was deeply conflicted as to whether he should check his Museum's Roof for Asteroid Damage before taking refuge in the Shelter.
Reasoning that if the Asteroid Strike has already occurred – and he is still alive – the immediate danger may have passed, he bravely decided to risk a quick reconnoitre of the museum.
Opening the door and nervously peering inside, he realised that the 'stone' appeared to have cracked open… and hatched – for surrounded by remnants of egg shell sat a strange dinosaur-like creature wearing a surprised expression!
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IN OTHER NEWS: The Blog has now recorded more than 66,000 hits! Yay!
As some of you know, it was recently my birthday.
One of Wilson's friends in Australia, John Kaniecki, kindly wrote a brilliant poem for me!
Here it is:
ANTEATERS
by John Kaniecki
I am the great promoter
Peddling some sinister sacred sin
I am the great promoter
PT Barnum’s twin
Like a rocket above the skies
My ticket sale soars
I need not tell any lies
I am advertising ‘Ant Wars’
Picture if you will
A green grassy field
Ants march through blades of grass
Secretly they pass
Oh what a wondrous thrill
These stubborn insects refuse to yield
But alas in comes the anteater
We call him Paul but his name is Peter
He is well trained in the art of eating
With a wicked wild nose there is no chance of defeating
Our miraculous hero
The score starts at zero to zero
But soon Paul gives it his all
See the ants by the score fall
Sucked up in the long snout
There is no doubt
The honors go to the winner
In this case a tasty dinner
And so the sun sets on another Australian day
Paul has more than earned his pay
No pesky ants will be coming our way
Hail to our friend
May his life have no end
For as long as he walks by our side
No matter how much the ants increase
We may have our cookouts in perfect peace
That truth cannot be denied
Anteaters wherever they trod
Are a gift straight from God!
Is that Brilliant or what?! Thank you, John!
You can see some of his other work here:
https://www.amazon.com/John-Kaniecki/e/B00NV8AU76%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share
Nërp, in the course of carrying out his duties as Museum Security Guard, has come across what appears to be a strange stone in the museum.
His attention was drawn to the stone because, unlike all the other exhibits, it doesn't have a label.
Not wanting to worry Wilson at this stage, he has decided to consult his database to confirm whether this is indeed a new addition to the Museum's Stock.
Nërp is running an early Beta copy of dBase IV, so this could take some time…
Since the Wilson Vermilingua New Museum of Old Stuff and a Robot is currently closed, Wilson has appointed Nërp to the post of Museum Security Guard and Cleaner.
Nërp was very pleased by the first position, rather less so by the second – he says he might do a little light dusting and count the exhibits, but draws the line at washing the floor or cleaning the windows…
Other than a peaked cap from a Fancy Dress shop and a plastic Sheriff badge out of a cracker, there is no Security Guard Uniform as such, so Nërp's come up with a Warning Sign of his own.
And given what little he has in the way of equipment, he's really working that hat – at once both sinister and jaunty!
By way of weaponry, Wilson has armed Nërp with a broom… secretly hoping he will grow bored of doing nothing and use it to sweep the floors.
Seems my chat with Wilson about his many failed business schemes didn't fall on deaf ears!
He and Byron have drawn up this QUESTIONNAIRE to research people's needs and budgets before he invents his next 'Can't Fail' Product.
Wilson brought it to me and asked what I thought of it.
'Hej, Ny Pappa!' he greeted me. 'Vad tror du?'
I skimmed the page and said I'd give him my considered opinion later.
'Tack!' he replied, 'Absolut! Vi ses senare – efter kaffe.'
Wilson has started talking like this quite often lately – I think he may be watching too much Nordic Noir on Netflix and All-4.
Perhaps I should have a word – although being bilingual would be a great advantage to him in later life…
Also, Wilson has asked me to mention that if you would like to licence his Questionnaire for use in your own Innovation Research, his rates are very reasonable…
_______________
PS: Wilson says there will be a 'Valuable Reward' sent to everyone who returns their questionnaire 'Properly completed' – I really wouldn't get too excited, though!
Apparently production costs of Wilson's l'eau de la fourmi Air Freshener (specifically, the price of the fancy glass bottles) has proved too high to proceed with the venture.
Accordingly, in a cost-cutting measure, he and Byron have cut out a load of little tree shapes from blotting paper, which they intend soaking in the remains of the l'Eau de la Fourmi then marketing them as Magic Tree-style Car Air Fresheners…
You might be surprised by how much ink you get through when you print on blotting paper…
I expect I shall receive an early pre-production Air Freshener, for Customer Satisfaction/Feedback purposes, but at least in this warm weather I should be able to drive with the windows down…
This month's copy of Uckfield Update magazine has just arrived.
It contains, as promised, Wilson's advert for his l'Eau de la Fourmi Air Freshener.
No doubt I shall discover how much it costs to advertise in the Uckfield Update when my VISA bill arrives…
Hello, we are The Bees and this is our Guest Blog!
Now that Summer has at long last been successfully installed, we thought we should give you some tips about taking care of yourself in the sun.
Sunshine is lovely, but it can take a terrible toll on your eyes and skin which is why we always wear sun hats, dark glasses and lots of factor 50 when we're working outside in the summer – and we make sure our children, Johnson and Johnson, do the same.
It's easy to be fashionable in the sun, as you can see: I bought this charming sun bonnet on eBay, and we bought our shades from the chemists in the village.
Sunscreen can make your fur go a little flat, so you just need to zoosh it up a bit after you've put it on!
Wilson's New Dad has had to have his cataracts replaced or something, and we didn't like the sound of that – which is why we always keep our Sunnies on, even at night – when it makes us look well Enigmatic.
And Inscrutable – we are Bees of Mystery!
Also, people mistake us for Incognito Celebrities off Love Island – although it's quite hard not to keep bumping in to things.
Anyway, we've been The Bees, and we'll see you again next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEE GOOD!
I've been thinking about Wilson's Air Freshener invention… and his Ant Ice Lollies, the Unpuncturable Tyres, his Odd Socks enterprise and all his many other inventions and get-rich-quick schemes.
I think the fundamental, underlying problem with Wilson's inventions is that he spends too little time thinking about what people really want, and too much time thinking about how he'll spend his First £1 Million.
I took Wilson to one side today and had a chat with him about this, and he seemed to take it quite well, saying he'd give it some thought… although he did confess that he'd already placed an advert for the Air Freshener in Uckfield Update magazine.
IN OTHER NEWS, Nërp has asked me whether he could invite his niece, Jīqìrén, to stay for a little while.
He says it would be like Work Experience or 'Take Your Niece To Work Day', adding, 'She's a charming girl, probably. You might love her and her doubtless cute ways, and perhaps find her useful for performing small chores around the house.'
Well, 'performing small chores' would certainly be excellent, as Nërp has never shown any signs of performing any domestic tasks whatsoever – although he does seem strangely, well, vague about his niece…
But I've told him it would be okay – I'm really looking forward to meeting her, and I'm sure she'll fit in just fine.
