During a break in the Pig Yoga Rehearsals, while Wilson was out of earshot Dave the Pig called me over.
He looked very worried, so I asked him if he was a bit nervous about the whole Pig Yoga thing.
‘No, it’s not that,’ he replied, ‘it’s just that I think I’ve done a silly thing – I mentioned Truffles to Wilson!’
‘I’m sure that’s not a problem’ I replied, reassuringly.
Dave looked even more worried as he continued, ‘I was just saying what useful and intelligent animals we pigs are, and I happened to say that truffles are quite valuable, and that pigs are used for finding them. Now he’s on-line looking up the price of truffles, and I’m afraid I may have done a Bad Thing…’
Our conversation was cut short as Wilson returned to the room and announced that, not only is Pig Yoga now ‘On Hold’, he will not be proceeding with his PYO Strawberries venture this year – he will instead be opening a Truffle Shop.
‘The price of Truffles is around $14,203.50 per kilogram!’ he explained in a shocked voice. ‘That’s about £5000 per pound – WAY higher than the price of Strawberries! And best of all, they’re FREE – you just dig them up from out of the ground!’
This sounds to me a bit like Wilson’s ill-fated plan to ‘just dig V-Coins up from the ground’, but he is confident he can successfully harvest Wild Truffles from the woods, using Dave the Pig to locate and bring them to the surface.
I also have one nagging doubt: if Truffles are so easy to harvest, why are they so expensive?
_________________
I have to go into hospital shortly for a small surgical procedure. I don’t know how long I shall be out of action, so it may be necessary for Wilson to stay with his family at the zoo for a little while – which sadly will result in a short break in Blog Posts.
Wilson’s
SENSATIONAL PIG YOGA CLASSES
are now open for booking!
I don’t want to be disloyal to Wilson, but if you’re even considering booking a Pig Yoga Class, honestly I’d leave it a day or two so the initial teething problems can be ironed out.
However, if you’re determined to be an Early Adopter, please apply to the usual address enclosing your Class Fees (CASH only – Wilson is no longer accepting V-Coins, BitCoins, KodakCoins or any other virtual currencies due to their ‘Volatility’)…
‘Pig Yoga’ is now officially a thing!
The Practice of Pig Yoga apparently involves lying on the floor while a young pig walks up and down over your prone body. I can’t imagine that this is of any benefit to anyone other than Wilson, who will be running the classes and trousering the class fees.
But I’ll bet it makes your eyes water – I can promise you he won’t be trying it on me!
While practicing Pig Yoga (which Wilson confessed he didn’t enjoy, and most certainly wouldn’t pay for himself) Polly arrived to announce that Neil the Sloth has said ‘Froome...’
This is very mysterious, but I fear that by the time Neil has finished his sentence, we’ll all have forgotten how it began…
____________
CORRECTION: Wilson informs me that he was not ‘lying on the floor’ but practicing an advanced yoga pose called ‘Balancing-The-Pig’ which is allegedly a fusion of the basic Yoga Poses Balancing-The-Cat and the Upward-Facing-Anteater…
Whereas someone else (ie a ‘normal’ person) might see Goat Yoga on tv and think, ‘Goat Yoga? That’s REALLY weird!’, Wilson immediately thinks: ’Pig Yoga starring Dave the Pig!’…
I guess that’s the difference between an ordinary person and an entrepreneur who needs to become a millionaire ASAP!
Having visited a Goat Yoga website – https://www.facebook.com/goatyoga/ – Wilson has learned that it appears to be available only in the USA, and that all the Baby Goat classes are sold out.
Clearly, therefore, there must be a massive gap in the market for Baby Pig Yoga in England!
___________
Today is World Random Act Of Kindness Day, so Wilson will be giving all his friends a pre-launch opportunity to buy tickets for what he is calling his ‘amazing new enterprise’ – but not, I imagine, a discount on the ticket price!
Full details soon!
Over breakfast this morning, Wilson informed me that the Virtual Currency Bubble has Burst – whatever that means – and henceforward Nërp will be deployed to other, non-mining duties.
I'm a bit relieved to hear that, and I imagine Nërp is, too! I hope 'other duties' might involve light housework, hanging out the washing and a bit of weeding...
Of course, the downside of this is that W is now looking for another 'sure-fire, can't-fail and arguably legal Get-Rich-Quick scheme’ – he's in the living room at the moment, with a Slushy and a pack of Ant Wafers while watching Sky News.
That should keep him out of trouble for a little while!
There was a heavy frost this morning, so after watching a lot of Olympic Curling on tv Wilson and Nërp went into the garden to look for the sTone Brothers.
The Bees, equipped with tiny brooms, acted as 'sweepers' while sTony complained loudly about the indignity of being used as a Curling Stone.
Judging by the expression in sToneye's eye, I'd guess he feels pretty much the same way...
I don't know the proper name of the Target thing Wilson has painted on the patio, but I hope it wears off before too long.
On the other hand, The Bees are making quite a nice job of sweeping up!
When the sTone Brothers finally convinced Wilson to end the game, he came into the house and enquired whether the Postman had been. I replied that there was one letter addressed to him. He held out his paw and took it from me with a sigh.
Tearing open the envelope he showed me the Valentine Card inside – it's what he calls his Annual Pity Card: an anonymous Valentine from his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua.
Perhaps one year he'll receive the Valentine Card he craves – from Ms Caroline Katz, or Ms Claudia Winkleman... or maybe even from a nice girl anteater...
The customary tranquility of our household is being disturbed by an acrimonious disagreement.
Nërp has taken the children into the garden and is distracting them by giving them rides on his shoulders, so they don't witness the furious altercation taking place between Wilson and Uncle Zoltan.
Uncle Z has just announced his intention to set up in business as an Agony Aunt, and Wilson is understandably incensed because that was originally his idea!
Uncle Z counters, 'You had your chance, dear boy, and you just couldn't hack it!'
I think what is irking W most is Uncle Z's catchy marketing line:
Auntie Zoltan:
offering helpful advice from A–Z
Nërp may have missed out on the Humour and Fun Modules, but he's got a very good MP3 player and sound system!
He has been playing a lot of Beatles and David Bowie for Wilson and the children – and simultaneously showing Music Videos on his chest-screen.
What with him also being able to perform small tasks around the house, I'm quite enjoying having him here – he's even better than a Juke Box – and I've always wanted a Juke Box!
Wilson and Nërp appear to be bonding well, although they spend a lot more time watching television than I'm really comfortable with.
This morning I turned the tv off and sent them round to the Children's Park to play together, get a bit of fresh air and work off some energy.
Wilson had a good time, but Nërp just watched, complaining that W was using his energy very inefficiently.
He suggested that W should decide whether he wants to be at the top of the slide or the bottom, and stay there – not keep chasing round in a circular, repetitive and energy-costly routine which will inevitably result in an Efficiency Shortfall.
Wilson explained that the Sliding Down part was fun, but apparently Nërp doesn't have his Fun Module as he'd been 'otherwise occupied' on the day of installation.
_____________
The Exclusive Free Stuff for Club Members should start appearing next Tuesday!
Something to look forward to, although I wouldn't get TOO excited – that can only lead to disappointment...
Wilson and Nërp are busy watching the Winter Olympics on TV.
The sTone Brothers are keeping well out of the way, fearing that they might be pressed into service as Curling Stones.
You may remember Wilson glueing door-handles to their heads during the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics, and they've been a bit resentful ever since...
Nërp must be thinking that Wilson spends his whole life just watching TV, whereas in fact... Oh! Well, perhaps he'd have a point!
In other news, Tiny Toy has been chastised by The Bees for telling Robot Jokes, lest they make Nërp feel embarrassed or uncomfortable.
The joke went:
Q: Why are Robots shy?
A: Because they have hardware and software but no underware.
Nërp assured everyone that he was not in the least offended, but confessed that he had no understanding of the concept 'Joke' as he had been 'busy doing something else' on the day his Humour module was to have been installed...
Last night Wilson, Nërp and the boys watched SpaceX's launch of the Falcon Heavy Spaceship on tv. I had to warn W to be careful how he pronounced Falcon Heavy in front of the little ones.
It was very exciting, and brought back a lot of memories for me of NASA's space shots in the '60s...
Nërp said that when he was little (ie not yet fully assembled) it had been his dream to be, as he put it, an 'AstRobot'.
Later the children started running round with jam-jars on their heads and complaining that Diesel the Goldfish was 'so lucky' because he's already got a 'proper' Space Helmet!
Just before bedtime, Polly popped in to announce that Neil the Sloth had spoken again, saying not 'Tmas' as expected, but 'Froome...'
Whatever he's trying to say, it could take some time – but rest assured, you'll hear it here first!
Since the Appreciation Society was formed, back in the mists of 2015, it has continued pretty-much unchanged.
At the beginning of January this year, Wilson approached me to ask whether it couldn't be Spruced Up. Revamped. Given a Face Lift.
Consequently I proposed re-naming it the Wonderful World of Wilson!
I liked the alliteration of the name, and the way its initials (WWW) appear at the beginning of every web page, but when I put this suggestion to the vote, opinion was divided.
The votes are now in and counted, and the new name of the App Soc is... (ANTicipatory pause for 90s drum roll)...
The WONDERFUL WORLD OF WILSON VERMILINGUA!
🎂 🎉 🍷 🎶 🐜 🍸 🍾
But this will not be some empty re-branding exercise, like calling Marathon 'Snickers', or the re-naming of JIF as 'CIF' – there will be genuine NEW and EXCLUSIVE stuff for members, plus a NEW BADGE!
This is a Group that's GOING SOMEWHERE – a Group you'll be proud to invite your friends to join!
Wilson is in favour of having a Secret Pawshake too, like the Masons and the Scouts, but one thing at a time...
Another crate has arrived – smaller than Nërp the Robot's crate, but equally heavy.
Wilson and Nërp man-handled (robot-and-anteater-handled?) it into the back garden between them; Nërp then tore the crate open with his bare hands (manipulators?) revealing a headstone for Mr Juicy.
Carrying it between them round to the site of Mr Juicy's grave, Nërp dug a shallow foundation and erected the stone.
He and Wilson stood quietly by the grave for a moment, then Nërp, although he had never met Mr Juicy, gave a moving rendition of Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto #2 in C Minor, Op. 18 (he must be equipped with MIDI) and his display flashed on and off with the message 'R.I.P. MR JUICY!'
Noticing how clean and shiny Nërp is, following the Wash 'n' Wax The Bees gave him yesterday, W is pondering on the feasibility of a Bee-Operated Car Wash.
I can't see Billi reacting well to such a proposal!
______________
WILSON VERMILINGUA'S APPRECIATION SOCIETY:The votes are in and counted – tomorrow there will be a BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!
If you're NOT a member, why not? It's free, and there are Special, Exclusive Benefits!
Nërp is a bit rusty and dirty after all the digging in the garden.
I'd hoped Wilson might hose him down in the yard, but The Bees thought that was a bit harsh, given how cold it is, and brought him into the kitchen where they sponged him down while singing the Car Wash Song:
🎶 Working at the car wash (ohhh, yeah)
At the car wash, yeah (come on work, baby work it, say now)
At the car wash (ahh)
Working at the car wash, yeah
Ooh, do do do do do do (woo, so), na na na ah, ooh
(You may not ever get rich, but hey)🎶
With so much soapy water flying about, Wilson kept well out of the way!
Now that Nërp has been washed and waxed, he's having a lie-down in the living room, charging his batteries. Again.
I must ask Wilson about Nërp's Running Costs...
The fact that Nërp has been digging round-the-clock for five days and still uncovered not a single BitCoin has not discouraged Wilson.
Though of course, it's not Wilson who's actually doing the digging – he's only watching.
As darkness fell W popped into his Museum and came out with a hurricane lamp, so enabling mining to continue through the night.
He settled down at the side of the pit, warming his paws on the lantern, while Nërp continued to excavate without complaint...
Just after midnight I took out a scarf and a mug of hot chocolate for Wilson, who's dogged determination and optimism were by then just beginning to desert him.
In addition, Nërp was protesting that he was hungry and needed recharging – he said that if he didn't get some Volts soon, he'd be too weak to climb out of the pit.
In view of this, there seemed little alternative but to suspend Mining Operations for the night...
Nërp the Robot has been digging in the back garden since last Monday, so over breakfast I asked Wilson how he was getting on... and whether we were rich yet.
He clapped a paw to his head and exclaimed, 'Nërp – I'd forgotten all about him!'
Following W out to the site of the 'V-Coin Mine' I beheld a massive pit – a chasm, a crater, a crevasse – in the middle of the lawn. Surrounded by huge spoil heaps.
And right at the bottom of the hole – barely visible – was Nërp, humming happily to himself while he dug.
Not humming a tune, exactly, just making a humming sound. Perhaps he's overheating? Whatever, if he goes much deeper, he's going to need a canary!
Wilson peered into the V-Coin Bucket expectantly. 'Well?' I asked.
'Nothing!' he replied, shaking his head despondently.
Hello! We are Polly and Billi The Bees, and this is our Guest Blog!
There are some people who can't wait to open their mouth and start talking – then they're as surprised as everyone else by what comes out!
Luckily, though, not everyone is like Boris Johnson or President Trump – some people consider what they're about to say very carefully, and our friend Neil the Sloth is one of those people.
About a week ago Neil took everyone by surprise by suddenly saying 'Happy', so since then Billi and I have been taking it in turns to sit with him to see whether he was going to say anything else... and he has!
Yesterday morning, right out of the blue, he said, 'Chris.'
Now we don't want to jump to any conclusions, but we think he may be in the middle of saying 'Happy Christmas'!
If we're right, then isn't that a lovely thing to say?
It may be over a month late, but that's the speed Sloths work at, and there's nothing wrong with that – although Wilson sometimes gets a bit impatient with Neil when he's trying to have a conversation with him...
So, we've been The Bees and we'll see you all again next month, when we'll probably bring you more terrible news about Pesticides and so on.
Until then, BEEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD, and Happy February to you all!
Oh – and Happy Chris from Neil!
Wilson, having started his BitCoin Mining Operation, had intended to just sit back and wait until he became rich... but he got bored with waiting and having nothing to do.
Consequently, he has produced a free poster for you to print out and stick on your wall – although I would personally recommend using something like Blu-Tack so you can easily take it down again when you get tired of it.
As for the poster's message, 'Life's More Fun When You're An Anteater' – I can vouch for the truth of that. I don't think it's so much that anteaters are especially fun-loving, I suspect it's more that, because they're so cute, they get away with more...
Wilson has taken Nërp into the garden to explain his duties, which apparently consist entirely of 'V-Coin Mining and not killing anyone.'
I'd been hoping he might help out with the household chores, maybe wash the car occasionally, but apparently not – I'll have a word with W later.
Before starting work, Nërp enquired what Virtual Coins actually look like – Wilson told him vaguely that it's difficult to say, what with them being Virtual, but that he'll know them when he finds them, and to just put them in the bucket.
Wilson invited Nërp into the living room so he could introduce him to the family – the android shuffled slowly and uncertainly into the room and smiled.
Wilson announced, 'Everyone – this is Nërp! Nërp, meet everyone!' in a cheerful, hearty voice.
Those members of the Welcoming Committee who had ever watched Robot Wars or Robocop – or remembered Wilson's previous robot – grew visibly nervous...
