There was great excitement earlier today when Wilson received a call from a local trader asking about his Product Placement Service.
Wilson put on his best businesslike voice (maximum gravitas and dependability with a soupçon of world-weariness — though a tiny bit squeaky, due to his excitement) and negotiated a very good price. But as the conversation proceeded, his face began to fall.
After the call ended we all gathered round to see what had occurred.
Wilson told us that, typically, his first Product Placement client was a local butcher with a shop at the top of the High Street. He wanted to commission Wilson to go into the shop and buy some meat and sausages in return for a fat fee, and everything W 'bought' being given to him for free.
This sounded like a good deal to me, but I knew what Wilson was going to say, and I was right:
'It was a generous offer, New Dad, but as a strict vegetarian,' he sighed sadly, 'my moral compass would not allow me to accept this commission.'
Today Wilson is trying a new approach to marketing his Product Placement services.
He's sitting in the dining room pretending to eat a bowl of cereal, while discussing its merits loudly with me.
'So, New Dad, have you tried this Stuff*?'
Then I have to say, 'No Wilson, I haven't tried it. Is it good?'
'Good? It's amazing! Not only is it toothsome and nourishing, with loads of essential vitamins and stuff, it's also chock-full of fibre and flavour! It contains that well-known medical ingredient, Boswellox, and kids love it! You really should try some — it's available in all good stores that sell this kind of ... stuff!'
I should explain to W the difference between Placement and Endorsement some time...
*Your Product Name could go here!
Wilson is in the kitchen, apparently talking to himself. In a posh voice.
'Of course, toothpaste is useful not just for cleaning teeth, but in all sorts of household jobs — for example, cleaning your tv or computer screen!'
With this, he rubbed toothpaste all over his (ie my) laptop screen.
'Oh! Oh my!' he exclaimed, surveying the mess he had made. 'I expect that will wash off and the screen will be better than new!'
'What are you doing with my laptop?' I asked.
'Oh! I didn't hear you come in, New Dad — I'm just amping-up my Product Placement campaign, so that manufacturers send me money to display their stuff on the Blog. I seem to have made a bit of a mess here...'
As I went downstairs to breakfast this morning I noticed Wilson emerging from the bathroom.
Due to his hatred of washing and water in general, this room is pretty much Terra Incognita to him, so I asked him what was up.
'Oh, nothing,' he replied shiftily, but then he produced a family-sized pack of toothpaste from behind his back, and asked me, 'Have you tried this, New Dad? It's jolly good!'
I replied that yes, I had tried it — in fact I use it every day — but I was puzzled what he was doing with it, since anteaters are famous for having no teeth.
'Oh, I was just going to... clean... something with it!' he said brightly. 'It's very good for cleaning and it tastes...' he consulted the label and continued, 'Minty! Also, Fresh!'
I had no idea what was going on, until I noticed the little 'P' symbol he'd stood on the landing floor...
Wilson's despair was short-lived when he remembered that he'd ordered his white lab coat using my VISA card so he would not, after all, be out of pocket — I would!
Glancing at the tv, he asked me, 'New Dad, what's that little "P" in the corner of the screen for? I've never noticed it before — is it a tribute to Bob Holness?'
I explained to him how sometimes tv programmes will include things in their sets just to make them look lifelike, but sometimes manufacturers will PAY the show to include one of their products.
I went on to say that it had only become legal in the UK quite recently and was still a bit controversial, but I saw that he had drifted away into a world of his own, lost in his thoughts...
___________
Wilson barely knows who David Bowie is, but for me he's been a constant throughout my adult life. A little bit of me has died today.
Wilson returned to the living room and addressed his research team.
'Having to wash my paws is not the worst part. I shall have to cancel this project on grounds of safety, for it is too dangerous to continue!'
He surveyed the room before adding, 'I cannot put you, my loyal team, at risk from my ground-breaking research, and you will not be able to share in my Nobel Prize... for there will BE no Nobel Prize!'
Many of the toys were sniffing, some openly crying, but Wilson pressed on.
'But even THAT is not the worst of it: I'd just ordered a white lab coat to make me look more science-y... and the eBay retailer does not accept returns!'
'You are aware,' Uncle Zoltan repeated, 'that ALL the Row Seven Elements — where the undiscovered elements lie — are highly radioactive and poisonous?'
Everyone who had handled Wilson's 'Elements' began glancing nervously at each other.
'Is that true?' Wilson demanded. 'I mean, is it REALLY true?'
Uncle Z nodded gravely.
W held his head in despair. After a moment's thought he announced, 'Okay, everyone who has come into contact with my new Element samples will have to wash their paws!'
'What, even YOU?' Antony asked in alarm.
'Yes, even me!' he replied somberly.
Polly took W up to the bathroom and made him stand on a stool to reach the wash basin, then watched him washing his paws to ensure he did it thoroughly...
While he waits to hear from the Editor of New Scientist, Wilson is researching suitably element-y names for his new Element.
Tiny Toy has accepted the fact that the chances of it being called 'Tinytoyite' are vanishingy small (although he did briefly harbour some hopes for 'TTanium') and has gone back to sleep. However, everybody else is taking a great interest in this part of the Research Programme.
The Johnson Brothers are both lobbying in favour of 'Johnsonite' while Antony is strongly in favour of 'Antonyum.'
W had just begged for some quiet because he couldn't think with all the racket and shouting going on, when Uncle Zoltan appeared.
Wilson groaned and muttered under his breath, 'Oh no — here comes the 'Zoltanium' campaign...' but in fact Uncle Z came bearing grave news.
'You are aware, I suppose,' he announced, 'that ALL the Row Seven Elements — where the undiscovered elements lie — are highly radioactive and poisonous?'
Having completed his search underneath and behind the cushions of the sofa, Wilson has moved on to rifle through the kitchen drawers in search of New Elements.
When I enquired how he was doing, he handed me what looked suspiciously like a piece of screwed-up tin foil (probably a chocolate wrapper) and a bit of fluff, and asked me what I thought.
When I replied, 'Hmmm. This looks like a piece of screwed-up tin foil (probably a chocolate wrapper) and a bit of fluff!' he snatched them back and popped them into an addressed envelope, saying, 'We'll just let the Editor of the New Scientist be the judge of that — as a lay person, you obviously don't have the necessary skills to pronounce on these discoveries!'
Then he added, 'Um, have you got a stamp for the letter?'
Antony was still manning the microscope but TT had long since decided that Cutting Edge Research is less exciting than it sounds and gone back to sleep...
Wilson is in the living room, looking for new 'missing' elements under the sofa.
He explained that everything that goes missing eventually turns up under the sofa — or down the back of the cushions, which will be his next move.
He has with him his Extra-Brite Military Grade LED Torch (an Xmas gift) and his microscope, plus a copy of 'The Periodic Table Of The Elements Colouring Book' which arrived this morning courtesy of Amazon Prime.
Antony is helping in the search too — it is his job to put any prospective 'elements' under the microscope and say sciency things. Things like, 'We could reverse the Flux Generator!' which will apparently encourage Wilson in his quest...
Wilson has been jolted out of his Frühjahrsmüdigkeit by yesterday's news that four new elements have been discovered.
'How hard can it be,' he reasoned, 'if they can find four all at once?'
Now he's in the kitchen with a plate of 'brain food' [cake] and a mug of strong coffee doing some research. I have to say that his research is less concerned with the process of discovery of new elements than with the cash value of a Nobel Prize.
'I shall call my new element "Wilsonium"' he declared proudly. 'Or possibly "Vermilinguite".'
In spite of heavy rain, I took down the outdoor Xmas decorations this morning. Wilson helped by watching me out the window and looking encouraging while I struggled to untangle the fairylights cord in the high winds.
Later I found him listening to the wireless in the dining room. Antony and TT were playing with one of W's Xmas presents — a snow globe inscribed 'Partly Cloudy With A Chance Of Ants' while Wilson framed another of his presents, a portrait of his hero Peter Dawson.
I could detect his aura of post-Xmas ennui, so I tried to cheer him up with some exciting news: I told him that someone he was very close to would be getting married this year!
'Is it my Mum, Mrs Vermilingua?' he asked. 'Oh, no, it'll be my Big Sister, Andrea! Whoever it is, they'll probably want me to be the best man!'
'No,' I replied, 'it's not one of your relatives, it's one of your friends — but I can't tell you who yet as it's still a secret!'
He immediately started making a list, the first item on it being: 'Go to Brighton to buy a New Hat!'
It has been raining heavily all day today, so I relented about the outdoor Xmas decorations — we've just taken down the indoor ones.
Once we'd got the Xmas Tree back into the loft and hoovered up the sparkles from the carpet, Wilson declared that he was 'totes exhausted.' I felt pretty much the same, so we both relaxed with a mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows. And ants.
While we were chatting, W confided that he was a bit disappointed by 2016 — so far it was no 'Merrier' than 2015 and, moreover, there was now nothing to look forward to until Easter...
Today I had intended to take the Xmas decorations down, but Wilson told me he had contracted that little-known affliction of anteaters, New Year Flu*.
I took his temperature and it was slightly above 'normal' so I gave him two paracetamol and let him sit quietly playing 'Sushi Go!' with the Bees.
The surprise hit over Xmas was the game of 'Sushi Go!' — Wilson got really into it and could soon beat all comers!
He got a little bit morose a few days ago, and when I asked him what was the matter he admitted he was sad because he could never invent a game of such subtlety and depth. He said it put his own inventions, 'ANTicipate!' and 'Name That Ant!' in the shade.
I explained that he was still very young, and when he was older he would probably go on to invent great things — greater even than 'Sushi Go!' which did cheer him up.
Tomorrow, though, the decorations are DEFINITELY coming down!
*A hangover
Hello, we are The Bees, Polly and Billi, and this is our Guest Blog!
Welcome to 2016, which seems to be going pretty well. So far, anyway.
Wilson stayed up until after midnight last night, to see in the New Year but mostly as an excuse to eat and drink far too much. As a result, he is still lying in bed in the tumble-dryer. Complaining of a headache.
We welcomed 2016 in a much more civilised manner with a glass of Mead and some Royal Jelly sandwiches with the crusts cut off, meaning that we awoke this morning early, clear-headed and ready to go!
Remember that every bottle of Mead and every jar of Royal Jelly that you buy helps bees less fortunate than us!
Anyway, Wilson will be back tomorrow.
If he's got over his hangover.
We'll see you next month — until then, Beeeeeeeeeeeee good!
As dusk begins to fall this Xmas Eve, Wilson and his family are making their last-minute preparations for Father Xmas' Visit — stockings are being hung and the cookies and carrots are in place.
There was a glass of Ant Sherry too, but W taste-tested it and found it wanting. He says that he'll pour another glass later, with more ants, which will allegedly improve the flavour no end.
What with all the excitement I don't know how much sleep any of us is going to get tonight, but we shall be taking a break for a few days over Xmas so everyone can play with their new toys.
We'll be back in the New Year, and in the meantime we wish you ALL a V. Happy Xmas and a Merry New Year!
With plenty of Ants!
Behind the scenes there has been much discussion (ie heated argument) about who should play the Baby John Lewis asleep in the manger.
It was eventually agreed by (almost) everyone that Tiny Toy was the obvious choice, and by way of consolation Uncle Zoltan could play the Xmas Lobster. (Don't ask — I have no idea!)
As well as Uncle Z, the sTone Brothers had also put themselves forward for the role of Holy Baby JL, insisting that they were already in costume (swaddling clothes) and the Holy Baby JL could have been twins. They willingly stepped down when Polly offered to unwrap them, accepting non-speaking roles as shepherds.
Due to a shortage of Actors, some of the Easter Island Heads had to be drafted in to play the Three Wise Personal Shoppers. This was nice for them as they don't get to do much, stuck out in the garden in all weathers. They brought gifts of Gold Tray, Brussels Sprouts and an iPhone 4s for the Baby John Lewis. The last Wise Personal Shopper whispered to Mary, 'If he doesn't like it, the receipt's in the bag!' which I thought was a nice touch.
When the performance was over, everyone gathered at the front to sing Wilson's new 'Xmas Is Coming' song, before taking a bow.
This was received with a standing ovation and THREE encores! Wilson insisted on three.
CAST LIST
Producer, Director, Author, Prompt.....Wilson Vermilingua
Xmas Lobster...Uncle Zoltan
Baby John Lewis.............................Tiny Toy
Mary.............................................Polly
Joseph..........................................Billi
Three Wise Personal Shoppers..........Easter Island Heads
Sheep, Angel & Producers Assistant...Antony
Shepherds.....................................sTony and sToneye
Camels.........................................Johnson Major and Johnson Minor
Farm Animals.................................Diesel the Goldfish
(The Brussels Sprouts and Gold Tray appeared by kind permission of New Dad)
It's just getting dark here, and Wilson has assembled his choir in the porch ready to go carol singing round the village.
Since it proved so unpopular in the past, he has dropped his Rate Card Of Suggested Donations this year... although I have seen him showing Antony, the Johnson Brothers and especially Tiny Toy, a lot of YouTube videos of cute puppies looking adorable while begging. I think I can see his strategy here.
Since the weather is not great, the sTone Brothers might for once be pleased to be still wrapped in their Mummy Halloween costumes... though it's difficult to tell.
Since W explained the 'Real Meaning of Xmas' to me a couple of days ago, I am agog to see his interpretation of The Nativity planned for tomorrow...
Suddenly, at 2am, Wilson worked out how the Levitating Man at Covent Garden had worked! Naturally, he woke me up to explain it to me. In great detail...
This morning, much to W's gratification, the postman brought an Xmas Card from Dennis the Giant Anteater on the Isle of Wight!
After breakfast, Wilson unveiled his 'Xmas Photograph of Everyone' Xmas Card. I was pleased to see him wearing Antlers and his chocolate medal for Extra Xmassyness!
He made a special point of sending a card to Colin the Knitted Camel, who is now living with his friend Ms Jenny, Dennis the Giant Anteater and one or two friends who are not on Facebook.
To the non-religious amongst you, he also wishes you a VERY MERRY WINTER SOLSTICE!
When we arrived home last night we found that the postman had delivered a load of Xmas cards. All addressed to Wilson.
There were a couple of dozen cards (all identical, as usual) from his family, and one from everyone in the 'Wilson Vermilingua Appreciation Society' Facebook Group*! W kindly said that I could share that one with him.
First thing this morning, Wilson popped into the village to collect his prints from the chemists. He says he's 'Well pleased' with them, but can't show them to me until Xmas, or it would 'Spoil the surprise'.
However, he did agree to 'Strike the set' so at least I can watch tv again in comfort.
*You can join the Wilson Vermilingua Appreciation Society here, if you like: https://www.facebook.com/groups/wilsonvermilinguaappreciation/
