POSTER RUN

Now it's official: Museums and Art Galleries in the UK can re-open on 4 July!

 

Wilson has lost a lot of money while his gallery – The Vermilingua Contemporary – has been closed, so he's wasting no time in advertising its re-opening.

 

He is certain that an Art Starved Public is 'desperate' to see something cultural, and he doesn't want to let them down… or miss out on any admission money!

 

From what I can tell, the public is far more desperate to crowd on to the beach, spread C-19 and cause a second spike of infection, but I hope I'm wrong…

 

The pressure is now really on Byron to paint faster so his Retrospective Show will be ready to go by Reopening Day…

 

 

PACKAGE FROM A PEN PAL

First it's Tiny Toy getting mysterious packets in the mail, now it's Wilson – I never get anything mysterious or exciting – only bills!

 

Today's delivery has caused some excitement, being a packet of Live Termites from Wilson's American pen-pal Arnold!

 

I regarded the package suspiciously as termites began to climb out and crawl over the kitchen table.

 

'If they're American termites' I asked, 'they haven't been… well, you know… Chlorine Washed have they?'

 

'Oh no!' both boys assured me in unison, 'They're Free-Range, straight from the Park. Look, they even arrived with their own little rotten log to live in!'

 

Wilson continued, 'We're going to take these round to Everything Ant in the village, get a marketing deal and start a Termite Import/Export Business with Arnold! we're going to call them "Park Termites"'

 

'Here, Try one – they're delicious' Byron said, holding a struggling termite out to me.

 

'I think you should get them round to Everything Ant straight away,' I remarked, declining the proffered insect, 'before you've eaten them all…'

 

You can meet Wilson's multitalented friend Arnold and his family on Instagram: the.gourmet.anteater

 

MYSTERIOUS ACTIVITY

TT has received a parcel in the post!

TT is Wilson's plush toy's plush toy so unsurprisingly he doesn't receive much* mail, and he's being very secretive about whatever is in today's little package.

Now he and Antony are in the workshop with Nërp building something secret, and I'm not allowed inside.

Nërp has even posted his niece Jīqìrén outside to deter the curious, and she's got her plush robot with her for backup – I think she'd kill to protect that toy, so I shall not be approaching…

Honestly, it's bad enough when Wilson keeps things from me, but now even his plush toys are doing it I feel a bit out of the loop…

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*Any, ever!

SOCIAL DISTANCING

For good or ill, government advice on social distancing has changed from 2m to 1m.

 

I know exactly what you're thinking – you are thinking: 'But that will render my 2m Social Distancing Device obsolete! Grrrrr – I curse that anteater and his mad ideas!'

 

Fear not, though – Wilson has announced a special Conversion Kit which will adapt your device (AKA Wilson's Whacker) to conform to the new regulations.

 

The conversion kit comprises a handsaw to cut down the original 2m pole, and a tape measure so you can measure how much to cut off, and can be ordered from the usual address…

 

 

GALLERY REOPENING

Nërp has now vacated his workshop – wearing an inscrutable expression – and Byron has resumed work inside. 

 

Wilson is proceeding on the assumption that he will be permitted to reopen the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery on 4 July.

 

I don't think that date has been mentioned by the government yet, but all the news media are pretty confident of an imminent announcement.

 

While Byron paints for all he's worth, Wilson is preparing the gallery to reopen under the new Social Distancing Rules: Paw Sanitising Gel, one-way system and, most onerous of all, only one visitor in the gallery at a time!

 

W fears takings may be seriously affected. ☹️

 

The Gallery Reopening has put even more pressure on Byron to have enough paintings ready for his Retrospective Exhibition.

 

I thought artists usually mounted retrospectives towards the end of a long and successful career, but young Byron has only been painting for a couple of weeks so he's really working against the clock!

 

 

SPACE/TIME CONTINUUM

Nërp is busy in his workshop and says he must not be disturbed.

 

He is allegedly making some delicate adjustments to the space-time continuum – before locking himself in he explained to Byron that Planck's Constant needed to be tweaked to avoid a Wormhole appearing in the back garden and swallowing everything up.

 

Or was it a Black Hole? Byron can't remember for sure, but does clearly remember that 'It sounded horrible!'

 

It's very quiet in there, so I suspect Nërp is just dozing, or drinking… maybe playing Patience [Solitaire].

 

Or maybe he just wants some 'Me Time' to relax on his own.

 

Whatever, he's even stopped Byron from working on his paintings and made him wait outside!

 

Wilson went round to remonstrate with his brother, perhaps persuade him to paint Plein Air, but B said he 'couldn't contact his muse' while there was any danger of holes in the garden, whether Worm- or Black-.

 

Wilson banged on the workshop door for some time, but Nërp's only response was total silence.

 

There isn't a Tinder for robots is there?

 

 

FATHERS DAY

I was quite taken aback when Wilson and Byron gave me this card this morning, because I'd forgotten today was Fathers' Day!

 

The card was jointly from both of them because I am apparently 'Difficult to buy for' and they'd both signed it with a nice message.

 

I have never officially adopted Byron, but it's lovely to learn that he accepts me as a member of his family… 

 

 

TT's COMEDY NITE

Tiny Toy is missing the opportunity to perform at live gigs so, like many other comedians, he has resorted to on-line performances.

 

To celebrate the Summer Solstice he has borrowed Wilson's laptop, set up some lights and started to stream his show:

Hello! Good evening! I'm Tiny Toy – I may be tiny, but at least I don’t have to bend down to tie my shoelaces… which is nice.

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger – but then it hit me.

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. Think about it. Not for too long…

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot. Just like your enthusiastic applause does… even though I can't hear it…

Oh, I've just seen the clock, and it's high time I was going – oh hang on, it's not a clock, it's a barometer… in which case it's high pressure I was going.

Thank you! Thank you! I've been Tiny Toy, and I hope you've been a wonderful audience! Goodnight!

When he came off stage (ie climbed off the laptop) he said it was very difficult working online without any audience feedback, but that wouldn't deter him.

 

What a little trouper!

 

 

THE ONE WHERE sTONEYE GOES TO THE OPTICIAN

Following sTony's recent visit to the dentist, sToneye – perhaps feeling a bit left out – expressed a desire to have an eye test.

 

Consequently, Wilson and Byron have taken both sTone Brothers round to the opticians in the village – reasoning that this would be safer than the 'Dominic Cummings Eye Test' where we'd just let sToneye drive around in the car to see whether he hit anything.

 

After a few minutes in the waiting area they were called into the consulting room where, with the optician's help, sToneye took a seat in the examination chair.

 

As soon as he sat down it was obvious there was a problem.

 

The optician was very apologetic, saying that while they frequently treated patients with only one eye, their equipment was not optimised for cyclopean consultations.

 

She continued to test sToney's vision by simply holding the test lenses in front of his single ocular organ, while sTony sat in the half-light anxiously asking, 'What's going on? Is everything alright? Are you okay, bro?' 

 

Eventually the optometrist pronounced sToneye to have 'Excellent' sight and not in need of any corrective visual aid.

 

She also waived the fee for the examination, in view of any embarrassment their lack of facilities may have caused, which I thought was very fair.

 

IN OTHER NEWS, Tiny Toy says he has something 'Amazing and Astonishing' planned for tomorrow!

I wouldn't expect too much – when all's said and done, he is a plush toy's plush toy…

 

 

AN IRATE TELEPHONE CALL

Now that non-essential shops, zoos and safari parks have re-opened, Wilson reasons that it can't be long until art galleries also get the go-ahead and he will finally be able to re-open The Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery.

 

This morning he was in Nërp's workshop monitoring his brother Byron's progress, as he's anxious to mount a Byron Vermilingua Retrospective Exhibition as a re-opening event.

 

He'd just finished exhorting Byron to paint faster when he received a phone call… from his mum.

 

His face fell, as calls from Mrs V usually mean he's in some kind of trouble, but this time she had just phoned to complain about the crowds at the zoo.

 

After the call ended he told me that his mother had apparently grown used to the zoo being closed and having no visitors during lockdown, but suddenly there was once again a 'constant procession of slack-jawed mouth-breathers and rude children filing past' gawping at her and her family.

 

According to Mrs V, some of them even make personal remarks about her appearance and her 'funny nose'!

 

 

RECIPE RESEARCH

Wilson and Byron are still raving about Everything Ant, the new shop in the village and saying how 'Totes peng!' it is… which I assume is a good thing.

 

Today they have commandeered the kitchen while they invent a new recipe which they hope to sell through Everything Ant.

 

Their recipe is for a cooking and marinading Ant Sauce which, according to the packet, is 'Delicious' and like their Mum used to make.

 

Wilson is always telling me what a terrible cook Mrs V was, but I suppose that's not something you want to mention in the advertising… although judging from the smells emerging from the kitchen, I can well believe it!

 

 

Ant Wars 2: SWAG BAG

The boys are back from Everything Ant, with a bag full of booty.

 

'They asked me to take round some of the books I've written, so they can stock them!' Wilson told me breathlessly.

 

Byron added, 'And they liked our Snoot Animal Face Masks so much they've placed an order for 20!'

 

While they continued unpacking their shopping I put them in an even better mood with the news that their Blog has now passed 75000 hits!

 

I don't wish to bring them down when they're so happy and excited, but privately I can't help wondering how sound a business model such a shop is, particularly at a time when the high street is in such dire straits, and in a village with only two potential customers.

 

But time will tell…

 

EVERYTHING ANT

Today lockdown is lifted to the extent that non-essential shops in England can reopen.

 

It is also the day that marks the opening of the new shop in the High Street that has so caught Wilson's and Byron's imaginations: Everything Ant.

 

First thing this morning Wilson and Byron set off together in a state of high excitement.

 

I think they should be safe as they're both wearing Snoot Animal Face Masks, and to err on the side of caution Nërp insisted that they take his Sniff-'n'-Trace iPhone App with them too.

 

Wilson has my VISA card, but I've made him swear not to spend more than £10.

 

 

TROLLS WORLD TOUR

As darkness fell we set off for the drive-in cinema set up in the village park.

As none of us had ever been to a drive-in before, excitement levels were pretty high.
  

We took Nërp with us too, because he'd never been to any sort of cinema before and was curious to experience the difference between the cinema and television, and Jīqìrén because Nërp thought she would enjoy it.
  

Wilson and Byron sat in the front seats so they would get a good view, while I sat in the back with Nërp and Jīqìrén for company – it was a bit of a squash.
  

The movie was about as dire as I had feared and I did my best to sleep through it, but I was constantly woken by Nërp chuckling, explaining things to Jīqìrén or pointing out plot inconsistencies to me.
  

The lads seemed to enjoy it, though, and at least it briefly took their minds off visiting the Everything Ant shop tomorrow.

EXTREME ANTICIPATION

Next Monday non-essential shops will be allowed to open – including the new Everything Ant shop in the High Street.

The sense of expectation and suspense is palpable, as Wilson and Byron speculate on what wonders they will find therein, what essentials they had hitherto not known existed but now they can not live without.

  

They are both so overexcited that I'd had no idea how to occupy them until Monday… until I saw that a Drive-In Cinema has been set up in the village park!

  

Unfortunately, it's showing Trolls World Tour, which sounds like a nightmare – but a nightmare I'm willing to endure if the lads enjoy it.

PRODUCTION LINE

Wilson has decided that when he is finally able to reopen his Art Gallery to the public the ideal Opening Event would be a Retrospective of work by his brother Byron.

I think the reasons for this are twofold;

1) after a period of deprivation the public will be hungry to see new art, and

2) as the works are all painted by his brother, he won't have to pay for them.

Since the ban on the opening of museums and galleries could be lifted imminently and without notice, he is trying to persuade Byron to paint faster, so as to have a substantial body of work ready to go at a moment's notice.

Byron is a bit reluctant, insisting that art can't be hurried and must proceed at its own pace, but despite his misgivings has promised to do his best.

At Wilson's request, Nërp has made several more canvases and easels and set up a production line in his workshop.

Nërp has agreed to Byron's use of his workshop only subject to Byron not touching anything because he's in the process of refurbishing it so it's a bit more comfortable and luxurious.

More comfortable and luxurious for a Robot, that is…

MY ARTISTIC HERO

The Museum of the Moon was surprisingly popular, so Wilson has been devoting a bit more time to his little Art Gallery. 

 

At long last, he has 'acquired' something I can really relate to – a work by my artistic hero Mark Boyle!

 

I first became aware of artist Mark Boyle when he was doing Liquid Light Shows at various London underground clubs – UFO, Middle Earth etc – in the 60s.

 

My acquaintance was renewed when I stumbled across his Journey to the Surface of the Earth show at (I think) the ICA, where I was transfixed.

 

The entire Boyle Family has made a lifelong work of (among other things) Earthprobes: scrutinising and replicating fragments of reality, cloning randomly chosen little areas of ground using fibreglass and original found materials and presenting them back to the viewer as three-dimensional constructions indistinguishable from the real thing.

 

Byron and I stood in front of this work and admired it at some length, and I sincerely thanked Wilson for allowing me to see it.

 

Later, gazing out of the living room window, I noticed a large hole in the road at the bottom of the drive which I'd never noticed before!

 

Surely he hasn't…

_____________

 

There's a lovely film about Mark Boyle here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwFaGh_QpDM

 

THE ONE WHERE sTONY GOES TO THE DENTIST

Since late March, all dental surgeries have remained closed except for the most urgent of emergencies.

 

However since Monday this week, Dentists have been able to choose to re-open if they can do so safely, although they are able to treat far fewer patients per day because of the extra care that must be taken. Treatment is also a lot more expensive than previously due to the massively increased price of PPE.

 

It's time for sTony to have his regular Scale and Polish at the dentist – he doesn't get cavities or decay, but moss tends to grow between his teeth, and nobody wants a Green Smile.

 

Byron and Wilson have taken both him and sToneye round to the dentist – obviously sToneye has no need of dental care, but he and sTony have developed quite a co-dependency over the years, and can't bear to be separated.

 

I suggested to Wilson that while he's there he and B might have their annual inspection too; anteaters famously don't have any teeth, but it doesn't hurt to have their mouths checked out for trapped ant debris and maybe have their tongues cleaned.

 

Anteaters – indeed, non-human animals in general – are not covered by the NHS subsidised fees, but I think dental care is important and worth paying for.

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In other news, Zoos and Wildlife Parks are due to reopen next Monday – that won't please Wilson's Mum, Mrs V!