SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO

According to the Uckfield Examiner, non-essential shops in the High Street may be reopening soon!

 

Byron was helping Wilson read the paper this morning when they spotted an advert announcing a new – and entirely non-essential – shop which has got them both really fired-up.

 

I glanced through the paper when they'd finished it, but I couldn't find what had got them both so excited… but that might be because they'd torn the advert out.

 

I know I'll find out eventually – but the earliest any of these shops can open is still over a week away, so there's plenty of time.

 

 

ANTEATER AT WORK

Byron has almost finished his first painting, and allowed us in to take a look at it.

 

Wilson examined it very closely, then asked, 'Bro – will you be doing any more of these? Enough for an exhibition in the Vermilingua Contemporary?' 

 

The bees stared at it for quite a long time before concluding, 'So it's not flowers, then… we were hoping it would be flowers.'

 

Nërp regarded it critically at some length before declaring, 'It's very blue… all over.'

 

'Yes it is!' Byron agreed, explaining, 'I'm just trying to find my Authentic Artistic Voice by working through some of history's Major Art Movements. This piece saves time by combining Picasso's Blue Period with the New York School's Colour Field works.'

 

Nërp considered this for several moments and declared, 'Oh yes – very blue…'

 

IN OTHER NEWS, Wilson's Blog has now had more than 74,000 hits! 

🎉 🥳

LETTER FROM AMERICA

Wilson is very much a 21st Century Anteater, consequently most of his communication takes place via email.

 

This morning, though, a SnailMail letter arrived addressed to him, and he showed it to me over breakfast.

 

It's a photo from his pen-friends in America – Arnold, Priscilla and Fang (who is about to undergo 'lockdown surgery' – Good Luck, Fang!)

 

You can read about Arnold's Battle With the Mundane on Instagram:  

https://www.instagram.com/the.gourmet.anteater/ 

 

I'm very pleased for Wilson – maybe writing to a pen-friend will take his mind off being confined to the house… 

In other news, Byron has just popped in to say his first painting is almost finished!

 

 

SNIFF-N-TRACE APP

A little behind schedule (but not nearly as late as the Government's official app) Nërp is finally ready to reveal his Sniff-'n'-Trace iPhone App.

 

Before showing it to Wilson, he warned him that it had been necessary to add 'one or two hardware peripherals' to ensure its reliable functioning.

 

In spite of the warning, Wilson was not quite prepared for what greeted him when he walked into Nerp's workshop: while the app did appear to run on Wilson's iPhone, it was powered by a massive car battery and connected to a rack of equipment on a little pull-along trolly.

 

'Is this it?' Wilson demanded, clapping his paw to his head. 'Is this the App? It's supposed to fit in your pocket, not be pulled round on a cart!' 

 

Nërp remained positive as he explained that the App had 'higher than anticipated' power requirements, and Warned Wilson, 'I wouldn't test it yet, as I believe the "Nose Receptor Device" may be suffering from Hay Fever… or possibly a Summer Cold – anyway, it's doing a lot of sniffing, and not much tracing.'

 

Before Wilson could speak, a deafening sound came from the loudspeakers on top of the main machine.

 

What with all the feedback and crackling it wasn't easy to be sure, but it might have been an announcement saying: 'Move two metres away or prepare to be exterm-m-m-m-m-m-mmmmmmminated!'

 

At this point we were forced to leave the workshop due to an acrid burning smell – I hope Wilson's iPhone is okay or he'll expect me to buy him a new one…

 

 

PERSONAL PROTECTION EQUIPMENT

While Nërp ponders how to write Wilson's 'World Beating' Sniff-'n'-Trace App, Wilson and Byron have moved on to their next allegedly Great Idea.

 

Wilson has long been troubled by the lack of Animal PPE, and in particular the total absence of face masks suitable for the longer-faced mammal (I'm pretty certain he's referring to anteaters) and has invented the Snoot.

 

This is a conical fabric device which can be easily slipped over the sniffer and will stay in place without awkward elastic straps.

 

They look quite effective, but I wonder how much demand there can be for this kind of thing – it seems a bit of a niche product to be quite honest…

———

In other news, there have been so many orders for Wilson's Enforcer (the 2m whacking stick) that he's put Nërp onto full time production. This will inevitably result in some delay to the release of the new Sniff-'n'-Trace App… just like the government's Official App!

 

 

BEE YOGA

Hello, welcome to June, we are Polly and Billi the Bees and this is our Guest Blog!

 

During lockdown, I'm sorry to say we've both piled on a few grams, and in an effort to regain our girlish figures we've been trying something new – Bee Yoga!

 

Wilson tried to popularise Pig Yoga, but his pig, Dave, didn't really have his heart in it.

 

In this picture, Billi is doing the Downward Facing Bee pose, while I'm demonstrating the Thunderbolt Bee pose – because it's a bit easier.

 

Why don't you try a bit of Bee Yoga? It's very good for the tarsi and really helps keep you supple – but take your time and approach it slowly so you don't get a strain.

 

Anyway, we've been the Bees, and we'll see you again next month – until then BEEEEEEEE GOOD!

 

 

THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT

Wilson's Two-Metre Distancing Device has been very well received and orders have been pouring in – I just hope he can keep up with demand! 

 

Encouraged by this success he has been giving some thought to how he can ease the pain of isolation and lockdown by means of Smart Technology.

 

The UK Government's much-lauded 'World Beating' Trace and Track App is weeks behind schedule and there are serious doubts about its effectiveness.

 

He therefore proposes the introduction of the Sniff-'n'-Trace App, an iPhone App which sniffs the air to detect the presence of the Covid-19 virus.

 

If it identifies Coronavirus germs, it will sound a very loud klaxon and announce, 'Covid-19 is present in this vicinity – move two metres away immediately!'

 

He has taken Nërp down into the Asteroid Shelter so he can discuss this proposal in private – 'Away from Government Spies' as he put it.

 

Wilson obviously has no idea how to write an App so has delegated this task to Nërp.

 

Nërp has no idea how to write an App either, but (possibly as a delaying tactic) has suggested changing the warning message.

 

The announcement will now say, 'Move two metres away or prepare to be exterminated!' – which actually seems like a pretty good idea, considering the public's general reluctance to comply with simple instructions.

 

Remember that it's the Bees turn to Blog tomorrow – they say they've got something which will really ease the pain of lockdown, and that Joe Wicks should forget about that 'Fitness Tzar' job. Maybe you should wear Lycra just in case…

 

 

A GENUINELY BRILLIANT INVENTION

It's taken a while (he's been trying since he first moved in with me) but at long last I think Wilson has invented something genuinely useful!

 

I admit I was a bit sceptical when he and Byron first showed it to me, but we all went out into the garden for a practical demonstration of this as-yet unnamed boon to humanity.

 

The Bees accompanied us in case of a medical mishap, and Nërp bravely volunteered to be Test Subject.

 

Once in open ground I was able to properly examine Wilson's invention (code-named The Device) and I could see that it consisted of a two-metre-long pole with a plastic hand affixed to one end.

 

Byron enquired whether everyone was ready for the demonstration to commence, then nodded to Wilson – who proceeded to wave his stick wildly around his head!

 

'Hey, take care!' I shouted, 'You're going to hit someone with that!' – but he carried on regardless.

 

Nërp slowly approached him, and received a vicious blow to the head.

 

Wilson placed The Device on the ground and explained that hitting someone was the whole idea – but no one would be hit unless they were within 2m, so it would perfectly enforce the government-approved social distance between the person holding it and everyone else!

 

'If anyone complains about being whacked around the head,' he continued, 'I shall simply explain that I am a Government Social Distancing Officer working under-cover and issue an on-the-spot fine. That should shut them up!'

 

Once I grasped the concept I could see what a simple but brilliant game-changer it would be, and I immediately placed an order for one.

 

It will be exactly what I need next time I go to the Garden Centre or Supermarket…

 

 

FINAL CLAP FOR CARERS

Rather than allow Clapping for Carers to fade away it has changed gear, transforming from a weekly event to an annual one.

 

Last night's demonstration will thus be the last one until this time next year, which is why we celebrated it even more vigorously than usual.

 

We all gathered to show support for the NHS, Carers and Key Workers by means of applause, cheering, blowing whistles, banging saucepans and sundry other noise-makers.

 

Byron had been busy working on his painting all day but arrived shortly before 8pm to join in with the rest of us, and even Uncle Zoltan turned up for this momentous final demonstration of support.

 

After a few minutes everyone's hands began to hurt from the sustained applause, throats became sore from cheering, arms tired from excessive pot-banging etc and we all trooped back into the house, where we discussed these strange times over mugs of hot chocolate.

 

Once Wilson and Byron had finished their chocolate they excused themselves, saying that they had 'something important' to do.

 

Worryingly, they took Wilson's Book of Brilliant Inventions notebook with them…

 

 

BYRON'S FIRST CANVAS

Nërp has now cut up one of the bedsheets I found in the airing cupboard and fixed it over the stretcher he'd made.

 

I don't know a lot about art, but it looks pretty good to me – I hope Byron will like it.

 

Also in Nerp's workshop (well, it used to be my workshop, but it's full of his stuff now) he found a few tins of paint that hadn't dried up. There aren't many colours, but there's quite a lot of each one, and as soon as lockdown is over I can get some more.

 

They may not be Artist's Colours, but I'm sure I remember reading that Francis Bacon used Dulux™ Household Emulsion in many of his paintings…

 

Also there was even enough wood left over from the pallet for Nërp to make an easel!

 

Anyway, Byron seems very pleased and excited, and that's what counts!

 

 

ON A QUEST

Following my promise to Byron to get him a canvas and some paints, I'm on a Quest to come up with the goods, a Mission to acquire canvas and paints so he can pursue his nascent career as an Artist…

 

I watched some Youtube videos about how to stretch your own canvases and it didn't look too difficult, so I enlisted Nërp for some practical assistance as he's very good with tools and making things.

 

For materials I've given him an old wooden pallet from behind Wilson's Museum, and while he started work on the stretcher I raided the airing cupboard for a white sheet.

 

Nërp is very good at practical things, so I'm sure* he'll come up with something good†!

___________

*Really hoping 🤞

†acceptable

 

 

 

 

BYRON CONSIDERS HIS FUTURE

I finally located Byron and took him to one side for a quiet heart-to-heart about how he sees his future with us.

 

He became very animated and excited at my suggestion, confiding that he had never painted anything in his life, but he would love to give it a try… although he thought just borrowing Wilson's box of Crayolas might be a bit limiting.

 

He told that what he would really love would be a canvas and some liquid paints.

 

In normal times I would have taken him straight down to The Works art supply store in the village, where canvases, paints, gesso and brushes are really affordable… but because of lockdown it's closed.

 

But I've promised Byron I'll do my best to come up with an alternative… and I won't let him down!

 

 

DESPERATELY SEEKING BYRON

Yesterday I said how Byron's knowledge of art is unrivalled – and it got me thinking.

 

I wonder whether he'd like to put his knowledge of art into practice, if he might like to start creating instead of talking about what others have created.

I set off to look for him but was intercepted by Wilson, who said he had a Serious Question to ask me.

 

'Could we,' he asked, 'have a short holiday?'

 

I explained that we were under lockdown and the whole country was forbidden to travel, except to get to work if you couldn't work from home… but he was ready with a counter-argument:

 

'I heard that we can go away on holiday, as long as we've got a young child with us – Antony – and providing we behave Responsibly and with Integrity – and I am both Responsible and Integral!'

 

Before I could formulate a reply, he continued, 'I hear that Durham is beautiful at this time of year, and there's Barnard Castle not far away!' 

 

I had to put my foot down and refuse, explaining that it would be illegal for me to drive up to Durham with him and Antony, because I'm not Dominic Cummings – the man who engineered the Brexit Referendum result and currently the de facto Prime Minister.

 

I know it's unfair, but this is what happens when you have confused messages: you get disappointed anteaters…

 

… among other things.

 

I set off to resume my search for Byron.

 

 

NËRP DOES PICASSO

Now Nërp has joined Wilson and Byron in re-creating a classic painting – he's chosen one of Picasso's Harlequin series.

Byron says that during Picasso's earlier Rose Period, the numerous harlequin paintings represented himself, but in this later 1915 work harlequin's characteristics have been reduced to caricature and the work's Cubist conventions reduce the identifying marks to mere symbols, showing there is no longer an association between the figure and the artist, and it now seems more like a mockery of the form. Picasso has returned to a familiar alter-ego, but the disfigurement suggests this identity is a former one.

  

When it comes to Art, Byron's knowledge is unrivalled – he really was wasted living at the zoo! I'm so pleased that now he can express himself a bit more.

  

I don't know why Nërp chose this particular painting, but I would guess it was so he could wear the Verka Serduchka headdress he's become so attached to!

  

Nërp has asked me to include a full-size copy of his picture so you can print it out and frame it to beautify your home; he says he's quite happy to sign it if you like – but please indicate whether you'd like it signed Nërp or Picasso… 

  

Hmmm 🤔

EXPEDITION

A few days ago the UK Government changed the rules on exercising from 'You can leave your house once per day for one hour' to 'You can leave your house for as long as you like so long as you Stay Alert'… or something like that – nobody understands what the rules are any more.

 

However as I am classified as Medically Vulnerable I haven't left the house (apart from standing on the drive to Clap For Carers) since the end of February, and it's getting everyone down.

 

So this morning Wilson, Byron, Nërp, Jīqìrén and I all ventured out for a walk to the village – a distance of about 1½km.

 

The Bees accompanied us in their nurses outfits just in case one of us suddenly succumbed to Covid-19 while we were out.

 

I think that would have been unlikely as Nërp, who was in charge of Social Distancing, took his duties very seriously!

 

He wore a mask at all times, even though as an android he is totally immune to the virus, saying he was determined to set a good example. 

 

Well, I think that's what he said – it's not easy to understand him through the mask.

 

After so long without exercise we were all exhausted long before we reached the village, but it was lovely to be in truly fresh air, walking along silent, empty streets under a blue sky untainted by contrails.

 

Actually, UK Co2 emissions are now the lowest for 100 years, so there's a bit of good news!