09/11/2019

THE C-WORD

Once Hallowe'en and Guy Fawkes Night are out of the way, all young anteaters' fancy lightly turn to thoughts of Christmas.

I tried all the traditional deterrents ('Every time someone mentions Xmas before December, Father Xmas has to execute an Xmas Elf' and so on) but to no avail.


So it is that we find ourselves at a very Xmassy Garden Centre. 


I can't help noticing that the price of everything has doubled or tripled since last year, but Wilson is naturally undeterred.


Is the £ Sterling unusually weak against the ¥ Chinese yuan? Whatever the reason, I think we're going to have to cut back on buying new Xmas decorations – maybe Wilson, Byron and the gang can make their own this year…



02/11/2019

THE HALLOWEEN DIET

Wilson, his friends and family had a truly Bumper Hallowe'en Haul this year, which W puts down to the threat of Dalek Extermination.

Today he's made a big pot of Spicy Pumpkin and Ant Soup which he says, together with his massive haul of candy, will sustain us for 'weeks, possibly months' – and since he is in charge of food shopping and cooking I have no choice but to believe him.


At first sight Pumpkin Soup and Candy might look like a high-sugar, high-calorie diet, but I predict that I will lose weight on it – within a couple of days I won't be able to face another Daim™ Bar or KitKat™ and the weight will start to fall away...


[legal disclaimer: always check with your physician or medical adviser before following any diet, especially The Hallowe'en Diet]



01/11/2019

LOSE WEIGHT WITH WILSON

Check the Blog Page soon for details on Wilson's all-new Hallowe'en Diet!

[legal disclaimer: check with your physician or medical adviser before following The Hallowe'en Diet]




31/10/2019

HALLOWEEN 2019

In a commendable effort to reduce their Hallowe'en Carbon Footprint, everyone has agreed to recycle last year's costumes.

With the exception of Wilson – although contrary to my previous statement his DALEK Suit is made not of metal but re-purposed Amazon cardboard boxes, of which we have many. 


The Sink Plunger was a new purchase, but Wilson told me that we'll 'probably' find a use for it, once we work out what it's for.


The Ghastly Group set off as dusk fell, but long after they'd departed I could still hear Wilson's shouts of 'Extermination or Treat!' echoing through the streets.


Along with plaintive pleas to 'Mind what you're doing with that sink plunger!' from Uncle Zoltan…



28/10/2019

HALLOWEEN BREXIT

With Boris' shibbolethic Hallowe'en Brexit now on hold, Wilson has been able to briefly stop worrying about being deported as an Unskilled Alien* and concentrate on the important things in his life: organising his Hallowe'en Costume!

He is in the living room being fitted for his Dalek Outfit, which involves Nërp doing quite a lot of metalwork. I've warned him that if he needs to use his Welding Equipment he must do it in the garden.


W says that although the costume seriously limits his mobility, the threat of EXTERMINATION should sway even the most Trick-or-Treat hating of householders…


Honestly, I'd recommend you to disconnect the door bell, turn off the lights and pretend to be out – that's what I'll be doing!


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* "Unskilled" is defined by the government as anyone earning less than £36k/year ($46,500) – eg almost all NHS nurses.



26/10/2019

LIVE SLOW

Wilson has produced a badge for all his friends, extolling the Anteater Way Of Life.

I mentioned to him that I thought the badge should have read, 'Get Rich, Eat Ants' but he said he didn't want to be too obvious about his personal credo… or encourage unnecessary competition.



24/10/2019

ORIENTATION LECTURE

Wilson is delivering what he calls an Orientation Lecture to Jīqìrén, which he says will help her settle in and feel at home.

The title of his lecture is Things To Do When You're Bored – I wouldn't have thought this would be of much use to Jīqìrén as she won't have time to be bored, what with all the Useful Tasks and Housekeeping she will no doubt be performing, but far be it from me to interfere with Wilson's carefully crafted Induction Programme…



22/10/2019

PHASERS ON STUN

To date there's been little or no sign of Jīqìrén's much-vaunted helpfulness – so far she's just sat in silence watching children's tv with Wilson.

When I asked whether she'd mind if I changed channels to watch The News she said nothing – but made a ominous sound not unlike Phasers On Stun, or perhaps a Light Sabre


Still, never mind – the News will only be all about Brexit, so I don't really need to see it – in fact, I'm probably happier for NOT having seen it.


Although, I would quite like to see Joanna Lumley's Japan later tonight – maybe Jīqìrén will have gone to bed by then…



20/10/2019

WELCOME JĪQÌRÉN

Before introducing Jīqìrén to the rest of the family, Nërp took her indoors with Wilson, Byron and me to explain that for a little while this would be her new home and we would be her new family. 

For some reason, Nërp coughed as he said 'little while' – he doesn't usually exhibit any vocal tics whatsoever, but I expect he had a fragment of packing material caught in his voice synthesiser.


He went on to tell us how helpful and beneficial Jīqìrén would be around the house, performing housework and small chores without complaint.
Nërp coughed again as he said 'helpful' – perhaps I should get him some cough medicine – or WD40?


Addressing the tiny android in an attempt to draw her into conversation, I said, 'Jīqìrén is a beautiful name – does it mean anything?'


Nërp answered for her, saying, 'Yes, it's a very pretty name, both charming and delightful. It's Chinese for Robot.'


Jīqìrén said nothing, but emitted a faint whirring sound as she raised her arm and inserted her thumb into her mouth.


'Don't suck your thumb, Jīqìrén dear,' Nërp admonished her, 'If you short-circuit you could start a nasty fire!'



18/10/2019

AN UNEXPECTED VISITOR

By the time Wilson and Byron returned from the village, weighed down with supplies for their Sockorations™® venture,  Nërp had opened the crate – only to reveal another crate nestling inside. Whatever the eventual contents, it is very well packed!

The boys crowded round, watching Nërp remove the inner box. 


Finally he lifted the lid to reveal… a robot sitting inside – much smaller than Nërp – grasping what appeared to be a tiny plush toy robot.


'Allow me to introduce my niece,' Nerp announced 'Her name is Jīqìrén.'


'Jī-qì-rén' we all repeated slowly, trying to get our tongues round the unfamiliar but exotically alluring name…



16/10/2019

SPECIAL DELIVERY

Wilson and Byron popped into the village early this morning to buy plastic baggies and glittery paper shapes for their Sockorations™® project.

Having spent quite a long time this morning sticking little paper decorations onto my socks, I privately think that Sockorations™® is a doomed concept, but at least it is far less expensive than some of Wilson's previous brainwaves and get-rich-quick schemes.


Anyway, while the boys were out a flat-back truck arrived bearing a large wooden crate – Wilson is constantly receiving mysterious shipments like this, so I went out to speak to the driver. 


Unusually – uniquely, even – the delivery was for Nërp, so I called into the house to let him know a large package had arrived for him.


He hurried outside to sign for it and supervise the unloading – showing every sign of having been expecting this colossal consignment…



14/10/2019

THE EMPEROR'S NEW SOCKS

Not wishing to embarrass Wilson with my tawdry dress sense, as soon as I woke this morning I selected two non-matching ODDSIES! and tore open my packet of 'Sockorations'.

They immediately spilled all over the floor, but once I had retrieved them I proceeded to apply a few to my socks and went downstairs to breakfast.


Wilson met me at the foot of the stairs, glanced at my feet and said, 'Looking good, New Dad, looking good!'


Examining me more closely, he asked, 'So how many Sockorations Stickers did you use?'


'Oh, around eight I suppose,' I replied, 'four per sock.'


Wilson frowned and turned to Byron, saying, 'He only used about eight – between both feet. At that rate a packet will last for months!'


'Perhaps we could add a Suggested Minimum Quantity to the instructions?' Byron said.


'We could do that,' Wilson agreed, 'Or we could drastically reduce the number of stickers in each packet.'


They both nodded in unison – a marketing decision had been made.


'Shall I let Marketing manager Antony know that we're reducing the Pack Count?' Byron inquired.


'If you'd be so kind!' W replied…

12/10/2019

THE TRUE COST OF FASHION

My Hoxton Hipster credentials are now fully restored!

Wilson's plan was less expensive than I feared, costing me a mere £5 for a pack of 'Sockorations' – his new invention which will, he says, revolutionise the fashion industry and make him a millionaire.


'But I'm already wearing "ODDSIES!" non-matching socks!' I protested.


'I fear you need more than that to prevent you sinking into Sartorial Mediocrity,' he replied.


'Sockorations' appear to be self-adhesive paper shapes that I am expected to stick onto my socks each morning in order to 'Zizz Up' my game. 


In the picture, the stick-on shapes are just self-adhesive paper, but the finished product will feature Glittery Shapes – I'm concerned that in use the glitter might rub off the shapes, fall into my shoes and cause some irritation. 


I mentioned this to W and he told me that all great fashion is uncomfortable, but that in no time all the Trendy Hipsters will be sporting 'Sockorations' on their socks, so I suppose I'll just have to put up with the discomfort…



10/10/2019

HIPSTER SHORTFALL

Just before we went out to the shops this morning, Wilson regarded me thoughtfully, frowning and stroking his chin.

'Is something wrong?' I asked, 'is my sweater on backwards or something?'
Wilson sighed, and replied, 'Nothing so obvious, New Dad –  it's just that your Hipster Credentials are, well, slipping grievously.'


'What are you talking about?' I demanded, glancing in the hall mirror, 'I look, well… okay, don't I? Has my attire not achieved its usual level of adequacy?'


'To be frank, you're looking a lot less Hoxton than you used to, but don't worry – I've had an idea to restore you to your previous levels of Hip Spiff!' he replied.


Oh, well that's alright then – I am not entirely beyond redemption!


I wonder how much it's going to cost me...



07/10/2019

DARUMA DOLL

While Wilson was at the zoo visiting his family, he met a very nice Japanese keeper, who told him about Daruma Dolls

She said that when she was a little girl in Tokyo she dreamed of looking after animals when she grew up, so she bought a Daruma Doll, made a wish and coloured in the doll's first eye.


Now that she is working in a zoo in Sussex she has coloured in the other eye, because her dream has come true!


Wilson was greatly touched by this innocent tale, and now that he's home, with access to his Art Materials, he has designed a Hi Wilson!®™ Daruma Doll for you!


What this girl apparently didn't mention to Wilson was the Daruma Doll's dark history, involving amputation and childhood smallpox. 


I probably won't mention that to him either…



04/10/2019

LEONARD AND MARIANNE – WORDS OF LOVE

A couple of nights ago Wilson, Byron and I sat together to watch Doc Martin.

It was, as always, slight but entertaining, though I did notice Wilson sniffing every time Caroline Katz appeared…


As requested, I recorded the Leonard Cohen documentary Leonard and Marianne: words of love for Wilson.


I actually watched it live before he returned home – and I must say it was not at all what I had expected, nor hoped for.


Unless W specifically asks about it, I'm not going to mention it, and just hope he forgets all about it…

01/10/2019

BEES' BLOG

Hello and welcome to October!

We are 🐝Polly and 🐝Billi The Bees, and this is our Guest Blog.


You can't imagine how happy we are that Wilson is home again! 


While he was away at the zoo we got quite worried about his New Dad – he just sat around worrying about Brexit and not eating properly – but now that Wilson is safely back home again he's already looking a bit happier.


Wilson's brother Byron has also come to stay, which is good because he helps W to remember he's an anteater and not Alan Sugar or Richard Branson!


So, we've been The Bees, and you've been Great!


We'll see you again next month – until then BEEEEEEE GOOD




30/09/2019

HOME SWEET HOME

I've only just arrived home from collecting Wilson from  the zoo.

The visit took a bit longer than I'd expected, what with Wilson's Mum inviting me in for a cup of tea with gin, introducing me to all the new cubs* which have been born since my last visit, flirting outrageously with several of Wilson's stepfathers, passing out dead drunk for what Wilson described as her 'afternoon nap', and so on that it was late afternoon before I made my excuses and left.


I was only mildly surprised when Wilson went to collect his suitcase and returned accompanied by Byron carrying his suitcase too…


Tomorrow being the first of October, it will be The Bees turn to Blog – don't forget to check it out!
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*Mrs V has such a great profusion of children, I sometimes wonder whether she might not be in some kind of Zoo Breeding Programme? I don't like to mention this to Wilson, but it's no wonder his mum has trouble remembering the kids' names!

29/09/2019

FREE CALENDAR PART FOUR

Following my phone call from Wilson yesterday, allow me to present as promised the fourth and final part of his free 2019 Calendar part-work: October, November and December, which of course includes those dates most important in a young anteater's life: Halloween, Fireworks Night and Xmas.

Also, Brexit Day, but the less said about that the better – I just can't bear to even think about it…


On a brighter note, though, I shall be collecting Wilson from the zoo tomorrow!
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For personal reasons, in future fewer of Wilson's Adventures will be accompanied by photographs – I'm really sorry about this, and hope you can accept my apologies.