Yesterday Wilson's brother Byron was returned safely to the bosom of his family.
Today a sense of ennui has descended upon the house, as W wanders around aimlessly saying he's 'lonely', 'bored' and has got 'nothing to do'.
He's even put on the Duck Slippers he had for Xmas – which always make him smile – but to no avail.
I'm not a professional psychiatrist, but even I can diagnose a case of Post Xmas Blues when I see one…
Byron has been staying with us for several weeks now, and I think I can detect early signs of homesickness.
I asked Wilson to have a word, and he told me that Biro is indeed ready to return home to the Zoo.
It didn't take him long to pack his things, and Wilson has put together a suitcase stuffed with loads of leftover food, and gifts for his family.
Also a box of Do The Ants Know It's Xmas? records – some to give to his family, and some to try to sell to the Zoo Gift Shop.
Watching Paddington 2 did not altogether have the desired effect of cheering up the children.
What can I say? The wrapper described it as a 'Delightful Adventure' and it was classified "U": suitable for audiences of all ages.
It also said there were 'Some scenes of mild peril' and I admit I should have paid more attention to that.
SPOILER ALERT!
Everything started so well with Paddington at home with The Browns, choosing a birthday present for his Aunt Lucy and starting work as a window cleaner… but once he was framed for theft, TT and the Johnson Brothers began to fret.
Once Paddington was jailed, even Antony began to look worried, and during his fraught jailbreak many of the children were openly sobbing.
Then finally, when the little bear was trapped underwater in a locked container and about to drown, I had to press Pause and comfort everyone while The Bees administered Royal Jelly to the disturbed and shocked youngsters.
During the drowning scene, I noticed that both Wilson and Byron were dabbing at their eyes and even stoic sToneye's massive orb appeared to be leaking…
The upshot was that everyone had to sleep in my bed, while I dozed fitfully in an armchair – the cries of despair and weeping making proper sleep impossible…
____________
I can only hope everyone will have returned to normal when we see you again on Friday…
So, Uncle Zoltan has left to seek his fortune in what he calls the Music Biz.
Wilson – who never hit it off with Uncle Z – was pleased to see him go, but the children are missing him.
When all is said and done, he was an excellent pastry chef, and good with kids, and the younger ones are already pining and asking when he'll be back.
Personally, I'll be surprised if he's away more than a week, but to cheer everyone up I've bought a copy of Paddington 2 to watch – from the trailers I've seen, it looks brilliant!
After tea, everyone gathered in the living room and settled down for an evening of first-class entertainment!
_______
Anyway, we'll see you again on Wednesday!
There was a bit of a commotion in the garden this morning.
When Wilson and I went out to see what was occurring, we found Uncle Zoltan with his tiny Citroën Van and his drum kit on board, and The Bees – Uncle Z is apparently leaving on a Nationwide Tour.
Back in the 70s, when Drum Solos were a thing, I found them pretty tedious – and I can't see them being any less tiresome now!
Ringo Starr had The Beatles; Roger Taylor had Queen; Ginger Baker had Cream, and Keith Moon had The Who – all Uncle Z's got is a Short Fuse and a Bad Attitude.
However, he is certain that there is a public craving, an unfulfilled yearning for a musician who's entire repertoir is drum solo after drum solo.
I predict that this will be a pretty brief tour…
Once Wilson and Byron had carried the boxes of records into the dining room (where they will no doubt languish until next Xmas) they both sat at the table staring mournfully into space.
Wilson held up one of the vinyl singles and stared at it morosely.
'This,' he said, 'could have been the UK Xmas No1 hit record… if only my timing had been better.'
He sighed a dejected sigh.
'Now, we shall never know. I might as well convert them all into Novelty Flower Pot Holders…'
This morning I came across Wilson and Byron contemplating two large boxes which had just been delivered.
They contained 45 rpm records – Wilson removed one and showed it to me.
'It's my Xmas Single, Do The Ants Know It's Xmas?' he explained.
'When I ordered them I thought I could cash in on the Vinyl Revival – but I hadn't thought it through. Nobody will want to buy Xmas Records in January – it's the most un-Xmassy month there is…'
Byron asked W whether he'd like any help moving them through to the dining room. W thanked him, and between them they began to carry them through.
I tried to cheer him up by pointing out that he'd be all ready to go next December…
On New Year's Eve I came downstairs to breakfast and found Wilson's New Year's Resolutions magnetted onto the fridge door.
This year there are only two, so perhaps he's in with a chance of keeping at least one of them!
If Uncle Z persists with his drumming, I think I'll be making a bulk purchase of noise-cancelling headphones for the whole family, so #2 will be taken care of; as for being Better Off, W's been trying to achieve that ever since he came to live with me – without success, though not for want of trying!
___________
Wilson, Byron and the rest of the family would like to wish you all a Very Happy New Year!
We'll see you again on Friday 🙂
Hello. We are Polly and Billi The Bees, this is our Guest Blog and we'd like to wish you a Very Happy Random Calendar Date!
As you know, we'd usually be telling you exciting Bee-Related News at this time, but instead we're busy fly-posting (well, technically we're bee-posting!) posters to advertise Uncle Zoltan's forthcoming tour.
Honestly, we're just pleased to be out of the house and away from the incessant drumming noises, and the sooner Uncle Z goes on tour, the happier we'll all be!
Anyway, we've been The Bees and we'll see you again next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEE QUIET!
(Ooops – Freudian slip! 🤔)
Uncle Z loved his Xmas gift from The Bees!
When I say he loved it, I mean he REALLY LOVED it! He hasn't stopped playing with it since he opened it on Xmas Morning, which is why he absented himself from Xmas Night's games.
Honestly, by now his constant, incessant, unremitting and relentless non-stop drumming is starting to be a tiny bit annoying – not helped by his almost total lack of timing.
However, what Uncle Z lacks in rhythm, he more than makes up for in enthusiasm and tenacity.
Also volume – for a tiny insect with a tiny drum kit, he makes a LOT of noise!
I think even The Bees are beginning to find it a little bit wearing…
__________
Tomorrow being the First of the Month, it will be Polly and Billi's turn to Blog, so you'll have to wait until Wednesday to find out about Wilson's New Year Resolutions.
In the meantime, Everyone here would like to wish you a VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR!
In the evening, everyone divided up into two teams to play Taboo – a game where you must describe something without using certain words.
Much drink was taken, many rules were argued over and many challenges made, so everyone had a brilliant time. I don't even remember which team won!
I can't think why we don't play games more often, even when it's not Xmas.
When I say everyone played Taboo, Uncle Zoltan opted out as he was 'otherwise engaged' – of which more tomorrow.
His absence was probably for the best since, whenever Uncle Z or his team starts to lose at anything he tries to put his opponents off their game.
By stinging them.
Have you ever been stung by a Hornet? I don't recommend it…
Owing to everyone being up so late on Xmas Eve, the morning started a little later than is customary – in fact it was almost 5:30am before Wilson burst into my room, shouting, 'Has he been yet? Has Father Xmas been?'
Once we'd assembled downstairs the children disappeared into a maelstrom of wrapping paper as they all opened their gifts, while Polly and Billi looked on happily.
In spite of all the excitement, little Byron had trouble keeping awake – at the zoo he's usually in bed by eight o' clock, so staying up until midnight is taking a toll…
________________
I noticed Wilson surreptitiously scanning the New Year's Honours List this morning, 'Just in case the Queen has finally decided to do the right thing.'
Judging by his expression, I think I can safely assume that she hasn't!
The presents are wrapped, stockings are hung, the carrots, mince pies and Ant Sherry laid out for Father Xmas and his reindeer, and everyone is thoroughly overexcited!
TT and Johnson Minor have had a brief spell in the Brown Paper Bag Of Serenity®™[pat pending] to calm them down, and Wilson has already gone to bed once, hoping to wake up and find it's Xmas Day.
I'm looking forward to a couple of days of over-eating, over-drinking and over-excited children – I hope Father Xmas brings me some Paracetamol!
I'll probably be too busy buying batteries, assembling toys and poring over instruction manuals over Xmas to blog, but rest assured – I'll be back soon, filling you in on all the excitement of Xmas with Wilson.
We all (even Uncle Zoltan) hope you have a truly Splendid, Bang-Up and generally Awesome Xmas, and we'll see you again in a few days time.
HAPPY XMAS!
Well, Xmas is almost upon us, and now there is nothing left for Wilson and Byron to do but wait and see which of Father Xmas' lists their names appear on – Naughty or Nice…
Here, though, is our Xmas Card to you – we ALL wish you a Very Happy Xmas and an Excellent 2019 – even Uncle Zoltan!
Wilson suggests that you print the card out and stand it on your mantelpiece, for Extra Xmassyness!
I hope you had a wonderful Winter Solstice Celebration yesterday (or Summer Solstice Celebration, for those of you lucky enough to be in Australia or New Zealand!)
Also I hope your hangover isn't as bad as Wilson's…
He and Byron have gone round to the mail box to post their letters to Father Xmas – talk about leaving it to the last minute!
Byron still seems quite sceptical about Father Xmas, raising many philosophical and pragmatic objections to his existence.
Moreover, he said that Father Xmas' constant monitoring of Naughtiness vs Niceness reminded him of Big Brother in George Orwell's classic dystopian novel, 1984!
Wilson advised him to suspend his disbelief or he wouldn't get any presents, so he eventually consented to pop his letter to this most unlikely of Household Gods through the slot…
Today is the WINTER SOLSTICE and, as Wilson pointed out, from tomorrow every day will be a little longer, and we'll be one day closer to Summer!
He also pointed out that longer days will mean a longer wait until Xmas, though I'm not certain he's right about that…
While we're waiting for Summer, though, (or Spring even!) Wilson, Byron and the whole family would like to wish you a Very Happy Yule!
In the picture you can see our Winter Yule Log Cake – since the photo was taken, I must confess the cake has been eaten… and we're half way through our spare!
The boys have decided not to open their presents from Father Xmas until Xmas Morning – such self-control!
To pass the time, Byron is enjoying himself by checking out the books in the Library.
Wilson, however, is sitting in his arm chair staring at his present, consumed with curiosity, wondering what it can possibly be.
I shall be astonished if he hasn't given in and opened it before Xmas Day!
Wilson and Byron have received their presents from Father Xmas, but haven't yet opened them – Byron suggested that it would be better to wait until Xmas morning to open such a special gift.
I'll be very surprised if Wilson can hold out that long!
On the drive home, Wilson heard something on the radio about Xmas Number One records.
Apparently Fairytale of New York earns Shane MacGowan and his co-author £540,000 ($678,000) every year, and Noddy Holder (who wrote Merry Xmas Everybody) said that having an Xmas Hit was like 'Winning the Lottery every 25 December for the rest of your life' – a lottery win that this year will be worth £800,000 ($1M+).
These remarks were not lost on Wilson, and he and Byron spent the rest of the journey sitting on the back seat of the car 'Writing a No1 Xmas Hit Song.'
Today they are recording that song, a pathos-filled number called Do the Ants Know It's Xmas? by Wilson Vermilingua, feat Biro V and the Bees Chorus.
The B-side will apparently be called: If Every Day was Xmas, when would we do the shopping? – if the boys can finish writing it in time…
Wilson has taken Byron to one side so that he can explain the Real Meaning of Xmas to him…
'Xmas,' he explained confidently, 'was invented, oh, years ago by Ms Queenie Victoria and her husband Al, and by Mr C Dickens. Nowadays it is sponsored by Amazon, John Lewis, VISA, the Hallmark Card Company and the Brussels Sprouts Marketing Board.'
Byron considered this, but looked doubtful.
'Xmas is especially vital now.' W continued, 'In a time of Brexit Uncertainly and Political Turmoil: without Xmas the entire UK Economy might collapse – and then how would I become a millionaire?'
Byron scratched his head thoughtfully, but before he could raise any objections Wilson briskly announced, 'Now come with me and let's get our presents before the Elves revolt and Father Xmas has us thrown out!'
By leaning over the barriers and peering closely at the displays, Biro has observed that most of the toys he's seen are marked Made In China.
Therefore, he has concluded, they are not actually made here, and Father Xmas's Xmas Wonderland is nothing but a front.
'Probably for drug distribution!' he whispered to Wilson.
After a moment's thought, he added, 'or possibly Elf-smuggling…'
This was too much for Wilson – taking Byron by the shoulders he looked into his eyes and said sternly, 'Look here, Biro – enough with the Conspiracy Theories. Father Xmas is a magic old man; the Elves are magic, and so are the Flying Reindeer.'
Byron gulped loudly – this was the first he'd heard of the reindeer.
Wilson continued, 'Come away from the Elf Village, sit down and listen to me – I'm going to tell you the Real, True and Authentic Meaning of Xmas…'
