Byron has been staying with us for several weeks now, and he's beginning to show signs of home-sickness – Wilson and I agree that the time is drawing near when he should return to his family at the Zoo.
Before he leaves, though, they've both asked whether they can do one last project together.
Do you remember last Bonfire Night when I took the boys to the Bentley Wildlife and Motor Museum, to pass the time until the fireworks were let off? They've asked whether, as a final adventure, they can start their own Motor Museum.
I imagine this will involve them arranging all Wilson's toy cars – possibly including Uncle Z's Citroën van – in Wilson's 'Museum' (AKA garden shed) then charging me £5 to look at them.
I can't see any harm in that, so I've told them to go for it!
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HELLO CANADA! 🇨🇦
I didn't mean to leave you out yesterday – it's just that I was unaware that Wilson had any new readers there!
Uncle Zoltan has gathered everyone in the living room where he is explaining his long absence.
He tells how he bought the Citroën toy van on eBay during a period of depression following his receipt of the rejection letter from Vogue UK magazine.
It had apparently been a longstanding dream of his to re-introduce the 'Wasp Waist' in Haute Couture, and the post of Editor of Vogue would have put him in an ideal position to bring this dream to fruition. Sadly, though, it was not to be.
He then revealed that his World Tour had taken him to many far-flung and exotic foreign destinations, including Buxted and even Piltdown, where he plied his many trades for the grateful natives.
Byron and all the children were spellbound by Uncle Z's Traveller's Tales, but Wilson – himself no stranger to exaggeration in aid of a good story – just listened without comment, apparently absorbed in examining the photo of Byron and himself in their Star Wars Rebel Helmets, but occasionally raising one eyebrow or rolling his eyes in surprise at some particularly unlikely statement...
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Wilson would like to say Hi! 👏 to his new readers in Poland, Ukraine, Russia, Germany and France, and wish them all a Happy New Year!
The Boys are just back from Tesco – they went to use the Photo-Me machine to take a picture of themselves wearing their Star Wars helmets.
Wilson didn't make any New Year's Resolutions this year – he told me he hadn't used up last year's yet – but I have resolved to walk briskly for a mile every afternoon. By the end of the year I will have walked the equivalent of from here to The Lizard, or to Blackpool!
W kindly offered to keep me company, but he's far from brisk, constantly stopping to look at things, ask questions and have a sit down. Moreover, half-way round he announced that he was 'Totes exhausted' and couldn't walk another step.
Carrying him for half a mile was certainly good exercise, but it was almost too much for me – tomorrow I shall go on my own.
Unless it's raining, in which case I won't go at all...
Happy New Year – we are 🐝Polly and 🐝Billi The Bees, and this is our GuestBlog!
There's no point pretending otherwise – 2018 is going to be a tough year for Bees, what with all the insecticides and weedkillers that are making us sick.
So we're relying on YOU to help us create a world that's safe for our children, Johnson Major and Johnson Minor, to grow up in.
We're sure that with YOUR HELP (and Uncle Zoltan's, of course) we can do it!
And remember, every time you buy a pot of Honey, or a bottle of Mead or Honey Whiskey, you are helping bees less fortunate than us.
Also, have you noticed our way cool coffee mug with a design of a Bee wearing a Gas Mask on it? You can buy a mug just like it from:
http://weaddup.com/products/gasmask-save-the-bees-11oz-mug
– and right now there seems to be an extra 5% discount!
Wilson will be back on Wednesday with more of the same old nonsense he's always banging on about, and we'll see you again next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD!
Boxing Day* was spent catching up on Xmas tv.
Batman – The Lego Movie was very well received, but things took a turn for the worse when we watched Jurassic World – Tiny Toy had to be escorted outside and given a mild sedative, and EVERYONE insisted on sleeping in my bed that night... including the sTone brothers, who hadn't even watched the film, but had picked up on the general atmosphere of terror!
But now that Xmas is pretty-much over, we're looking forward to the New Year and hoping that – as Billi puts it – it's a bit less crap than 2017!
Tomorrow being the first of the month, it's The Bees' turn to blog, so Wilson, Byron, the entire family and I would like to wish you a
❤️ VERY HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR! ❤️
See you again on Wednesday...
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* Boxing Day is a holiday celebrated on the day after Christmas Day. It originated in the United Kingdom, and is celebrated in a number of countries that previously formed part of the British Empire. Is this stuff educational or what?!
As evening fell, everyone decided to record the Xmas TV programmes for later, and carry on playing.
Following the liberal consumption of Honey Whiskey, The Bees broke out one of their tubes of Got 2 Bee Hair Spiking Glue and called for volunteers.
I made a narrow escape by pleading baldness, but everyone else seemed more than willing to have a Full Fur Makeover...
For Xmas, everyone received a Unicorn Horn, and Wilson and Byron were each presented with a miniature bottle of Honey Whiskey by the Bees.
The Bees also gave everyone a carton of Just Bee Honey Water in various flavours.
Polly and Billi gave each other tubes of Got 2 Bee Hair Spiking Glue.
I gave W and B Star Wars Helmets, now that Wilson's pain at not being cast in the lead of the new film has receded.
After Xmas Dinner, the whole family spent a happy afternoon playing Traditional Xmas Games – Carrot In A Box, Roll The Onion, Cucumber Snooker, Pin The Tail On The Cabbage, Brussels Sprout Table Football and so on. (When Wilson lived at the Zoo, his family pretty much had to make their own fun...)
We all had a lovely day, but I think W appreciated having his brother Byron here for the celebrations...
Now I understand what all the lightbulbs were for!
Apparently it WAS going to say HAPPY XMAS UCKFIELD, but the lightbulbs were more expensive than W expected, so he cut back on the letters. Still, the thought was there!
Wilson and Byron – and everyone else, probably – will be playing with their new toys and nursing hangovers for a little while, so there won't be any Blog Posts etc for a few days.
I expect we'll be recovered in time for the New Year's Celebrations, but in the meantime everyone here at Chez New Dad wishes you – whether you live in Uckfield or not – a
VERY HAPPY XMAS!
Following an unexplained absence of TEN MONTHS, Uncle Zoltan has returned, driving a Citroën H Dinky Toy van, and is behaving as though nothing has happened!
By the time Wilson arrived Uncle Z was busy telling the children how he has been on a round-the-world trip – visiting exotic foreign lands as far-afield as Buxted and Piltdown – and hinting at his many exciting adventures there.
Finally he noticed Wilson, greeting him with, 'Oh – are you still living here?'
Needless to say, The Bees are delighted to be reunited with their relative, but W is not best pleased by the return of his nemesis – and this comes on top of the sad news that an Aardvark is 'unaccounted for' in a fire at London Zoo.
Tiny Toy, struggling back to the house with a branch of mistletoe after delivering Xmas Cards to the sTone Brothers, came across a strange vehicle which (being very interested in cars) he immediately identified as a vintage Citroën type H van parked – or perhaps abandoned – in the garden!
Remembering that The Bees had worked as Parking Enforcement Operatives last Summer, he went straight to them, thinking they might like to write the van a Parking Ticket.
The Bees relayed the news of this unexpected vehicle's arrival to Wilson, and soon everyone trooped into the garden to see what was occurring...
We are now, as Dr Who once put it, Halfway Through the Darkness for today is the Winter Solstice!
Wilson appears to be marking the day by taking delivery of a huge consignment of light bulbs – he and Byron have carried them carefully out to the Museum (ie Shed) to work on a 'Secret Project'.
Whatever they're up to out there, I hope it takes Wilson's mind off 'Ms Claudia', from whom there is still no news – I'm pretty sure he'd been hoping for a short Engagement and an Xmas Wedding!
In case you're wondering, Father Xmas' gifts to the boys yesterday were a Mouth Organ (Wilson) and a Kazoo (Byron).
Last night they practiced on them with great gusto, long into the early hours... which may account for the headache I'm experiencing this morning.
Now, however, they have other things on their minds, for today is the day Wilson has chosen to launch his Grass Jam product, with it's newly-designed label.
This new label apparently incorporates all the best features from the previous shortlist of designs, and W says it's so great that it would 'Make the Jam sell itself, even if it tasted terrible!'
This is good news, because the jam does, in fact, taste terrible...
The Bees have asked me to mention that their Uncle Zoltan disappeared without a trace ten months ago today, and they'd like you to keep an eye open for any sign of him.
In other news, W still hasn't heard from Ms Claudia...
Once they'd downed their Xmas Milkshakes (topped with dried ants from Wilson's emergency rations) and cookies, I took the boys round to Santa's Grotto.
Xmas is a completely alien concept to young Byron, as they don't really celebrate it at the zoo where he lives with his family, so W explained what would happen:
'You go in and it's all dark and creepy, (that's why it's called a Grotty) and there's this old man waiting for you – he's even older than my New Dad, if that's possible! – and you have to sit on his lap. If he asks if you've been good you say, "Yes I have – I've been very good!"... and then he gives you a present!'
Byron thought about this for a moment, then said that this sounded exactly like the kind of thing his Mum had warned him about.
Wilson dismissed this, but added, 'When you say how good you've been, make sure you sound sincere – but not like you've been practicing saying it all morning!'
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No word yet from Ms Claudia...
Occupying children is specially difficult in the run up to Xmas – I don't want Wilson and Byron sitting in front of the TV all day, nor do I want them getting into mischief.
So today I've taken them to a local Garden Centre just to get them out of the house.
In Springtime, Garden Centre Visits are always expensive, what with Wilson buying trolley-loads of plants for the garden, but a Winter visit with him and his brother is proving no less expensive: there are tree decorations they simply cannot live without, and of course there's the Restaurant...
Last night Wilson joined the bees watching the Strictly Come Dancing Finale.
He didn't really enjoy the dancing part, although he thought Craig Revel Horwood was very funny.
The big event of the night, however, was when W noticed Ms Claudia Wilkleman... and was instantly infatuated!
He's in the living room right now watching Strictly on Catch-Up – fast-forwarding through the dances and all the fillers, then mooning over the lovely 'Miss Claudia'...
I have to say this seems like another highly unsuitable match – what with Ms W being 45 and happily married with three children – but Wilson says that whereas Ms Joni Mitchell was just an infatuation, this is 'The Real Thing!'
As tactfully as I could, I tried to raise some of my reservations; Wilson countered, 'But New Dad – she is A-Ma-Zing, daahling! Fab-U-Lous!'
Someone had better get in touch with Ms Caroline Katz to let her know she's no longer Wilson's fiancée...
The Bees and their little family (the Johnson Brothers) enjoy Strictly Come Dancing – they usually watch it on Catch-up Sunday afternoon, but since today is the Series Finale they were really hoping to watch it live.
Wilson had planned to watch re-runs of Only Fools And Horses on Xmas GOLD this evening, but since he's a bit concerned that his Naughty/Nice score with Father Xmas might need a top-up, he has generously told The Bees they can watch the Strictly Finale... so he and Byron have little choice but to watch it too.
Wilson has caught the children (some of whom – as he pointed out – are old enough to know better) singing the rude version of 🎶 Jingle Bells 🎶 and fears it will damage his Naughty/Nice Score with Father Xmas.
Accordingly, he has given them a bit of a reprimand... even though he did find it quite funny.
However, just to be on the safe side, he has resolved to do something very generous tomorrow night – something involving Great Personal Sacrifice – which he hopes Father Xmas will take into account!
As for the Great Jam Label Referendum, he has decided that, like the Brexit Vote, the process was not Binding but merely Advisory.
Also, since ALL the labels got at least one vote, he says that none of them should feel bad about themselves, because in a sense they are all Winners*!
However, he and Byron are now in the kitchen designing one final Label which will apparently be the Definitive Grass Jam Label...
* Or, by the same token, Losers
Wilson and Byron are in the kitchen arguing over the results of the Grass Jam Label Vote.
Byron maintains that going with the most popular label, D, would increase sales of the product; Wilson, however, is equally adamant that the least popular label, B, would feel rejected.
'I know what a bitter feeling that is,' he said, 'and I wouldn't wish it on even a humble Jam Label!'
The disagreement was in full swing when Mole the Mole appeared, coughing apologetically until the boys noticed his presence. He told W that he just wanted to say Goodbye as he was returning to the Wild.
Wilson's jaw dropped. 'You can't leave now,' he exclaimed, 'just before Xmas!'
Mole, having never heard of Xmas, looked puzzled, so Wilson began to explain All About Xmas: Father Xmas, Presents, Food, Drink, TV Specials.
Mole seemed confused, so W went on to reveal the REAL MEANING of Xmas:
'Xmas,' he explained, 'was invented by the Hallmark Card Company and the Brussels Sprout Marketing Board to celebrate the cold weather, and now it's sponsored by John Lewis, TESCO, Amazon and VISA to make sure the shops keep going through the winter!'
'Oh...' Mole said, doubtfully.
Wilson continued: 'If you leave now, the Economic Infrastructure of the whole country will be put at risk! Shops in the Village will be forced to close! Taxi Drivers will be unemployed and their children won't get any presents! Even the Mighty Hallmark Card Company might be forced into Administration!'
Say what you like about Wilson, he can lay an excellent guilt-trip!
Once the boys had finished decorating the front of the house and the porch they still had some fairy lights left over – so they decorated... the CAR!
I wasn't best pleased when I saw it, exclaiming, 'We won't be able to drive anywhere now – we'll have to walk!'
But with a flourish, Wilson produced a reel of cable, with the words, 'Ta-Daa!'
'That's no use!' I complained, 'How far is that going to get us?'
'The end of the road,' Byron supplied, proudly. 'We've measured!'
Once Wilson and Byron had decorated the front of the house, they moved on to put up some lights in the porch.
Everything was going well until the both got a bit silly and wrapped themselves up in fairy lights – I just hope they can untangle themselves before bedtime!
As more votes pour in, a clear leader is emerging amongst the Jam Label designs... but one design hasn't received ANY votes at all.
Wilson says that he feels very sorry for that label, and he might go with it "just to cheer it up and make it feel better about itself"!'
Sounds like another sound marketing decision...
