Suggestions are invited for things Wilson can say about the anteater in his That's Not My Anteater book — so far, all he's got is:
'That's not my anteater — his tongue isn't nearly long enough'
and
'That's not my anteater — his fur isn't doormatty enough'
which is going to make for a slim volume, however thick the board it's printed on!
Uncle Zoltan's suggestion cannot be repeated in polite society.
Wilson's Assistant Editor Antony is busy, um, well... assisting with the editing I suppose, while Literary Agent TT naps until the book is ready for launch — when he will apparently leap into action.
I'll believe that when I see it...
Only a slightly* behind schedule, Wilson has finally completed the calendar page for January — and he's decorated it with a very appropriate picture, in view of yesterday's snowfall.
He has promised to try to get February's page produced in good time, possibly even before the month actually begins!
Now January's page is out of the way he's started work on his next project, his That's Not My Anteater board book.
For the prototype he's using crayons, scissors and a stick of glue — I'm just hoping he doesn't try forcing thick cardboard through the printer once he goes into production...
________________
*Quite a lot, actually
Creating a calendar for a whole year is taking Wilson longer than he anticipated.
A lot longer.
He says it would be much quicker without Uncle Zoltan's help, but he's afraid to tell him this for fear of being stung.
All he's got finished so far is the cover, but he's working on the January page — he's currently got as far as next Tuesday week, and he assures me that the entire month will be ready soon.
Hopefully before the beginning of February...
Following our discussion, Wilson has decided that his first project will be a calendar.
He intends to produce a new page every month, just for his friends, to gauge how popular it would be. He's in the dining room right now, designing it with the help of Uncle Zoltan and Diesel the Goldfish.
Uncle Z (who, once having had a nest in a print shop, claims to know what Proof Reading is) is reading out the numbers from W's Hello Kitty diary while Wilson types them in.
What Diesel is doing there I cannot even begin to imagine, and I don't like to ask for fear of offending him.
W says he hopes to have the first page of his Anteater Calendar ready for you by Wednesday.
As Uncle Z is involved, I'd suggest you check it carefully before you rely on it — I wouldn't put it past him to introduce some deliberate mistakes!
Incidentally, my new number plates didn't fall off overnight. I just hope I don't get into any trouble using them — I have to drive right past the Police Station to get into the village...
As soon as we returned home Wilson decided that I'd waited long enough and it was time to fit his main Xmas gift to me — the personalised number plates — to the car.
I feel sure there must be some sort of legal formality to be observed when changing one's number plate, but Wilson assures me that all I need is a big tube of No More Nails.
Plus some nails, 'Just to be on the safe side!'
While we were fitting it, Wilson mentioned that he'd thought about getting a numberplate of my name, GR43ME, but decided I'd prefer one showing his name instead...
Once Wilson had completed his examination of Calendars
and Children's Books we sat down in the café to review what we had
learned.
I drew Wilson's attention to the fact that all the
calendars on display were marked down to half price, because they were a
very seasonal product which, if not sold quickly, immediately lost most
of their value.
On the other hand, as one of W's friends has pointed out, maybe the Anteater Calendars were so popular that they'd all sold out — in which case there wasn't a gap in the market at all.
W
conceded that while calendars could do with more investigation,
children's books were always in high demand — to which end he's bought a
copy of That's Not My Cow for research purposes while designing his own book That's Not My Anteater.
'If That's Not My Anteater is a success,' Wilson explained, 'I will consider expanding my publishing empire with The Very Hungry Anteater and possibly even The Anteater Who Came To Tea.'
I hope the publishers of the original books don't hear about this and get a bit cross...
Moving on from calendars, Wilson checked out the display of children's books.
It didn't take him long to note the total absence of That's Not My Anteater from Usborn's range of That's Not My... touchy-feely books.
I shall prepare myself for a large invoice from on-line book publishers Blurb...
Once we reached the garden centre Wilson dashed inside and — even before calling in at the restaurant — headed directly to the Stationery department.
Here he walked slowly up and down the calendars aisle, examining each calendar in detail.
At length he rejoined me and reported his findings. 'There are calendars about Piglets, Owls, Goats and Cats. There are calendars about every breed of dog in existence, plus some made-up breeds. There are even calendars about water-skiing guinea pigs, cats doing yoga and puppies dressed up as fairies!'
I waited, sure of what was coming next. I was not disappointed.
'Do you know how many calendars there were about anteaters?'
I raised my eyebrows enquiringly, sensing this was a rhetorical question.
'NONE!' he exclaimed, 'Not a single one! I have definitely found a huge gap in the calendar market — and who is better placed to fill that gap than me?'
I should probably prepare myself for a large invoice from on-line calendar printers VistaPrint...
Now Xmas is over, Wilson woke me very early this morning, asking to go to the Garden Centre to score some post-Xmas bargains.
As we drove through the sombre, brown countryside he lamented that if only he'd been born in 'Queen Victor's' reign he could have become rich and famous by inventing the Xmas Card, but sadly all the best inventions have now been invented by other people.
I replied that as a child I had thought exactly the same, although my childhood was in an age when how things worked could generally be deduced by taking them apart; nowadays no amount of casual dismantling will tell you how a smartphone or a digital camera functions.
I suggested than maybe he could find some simple, non-technological everyday object that people loved and needed, and improve on it in some way.
He subsided into a ruminative silence until we arrived at the Garden Centre.
The entire family slept in this morning, following a very late night last night (although nobody managed to stay awake until midnight) then gathered to watch Disney's new CGI Jungle Book.
Neither Neil the Sloth nor Mole the Mole is used to TV, so Wilson gave them each a bag of Cheesy Wotsits and suggested they didn't watch the drama, lest they be scared.
Mole confessed that the Wotsits were a welcome change from Earthworms and grubs, while Neil said they were 'V-e-r-y ...' but we never found out what.
During one of the (many) comfort breaks required by the younger children, Wilson mentioned that he had been researching Xmas online, telling me confidently that, 'Before Queen Victor and her husband Prince Charles Dickens invented the Xmas Tree, Xmas used to last 12 days! I think WE should start doing that next Xmas!'
My heart sank a little at the thought of 12 days of unremitting eating and drinking, when I can barely cope with two!
'Although,' he continued, 'there weren't any presents until the last day. I don't think I could wait that long.'
I enjoyed Jungle Book much more than I'd expected — it was quite dark, and hardly at all cutesy!
______________
Being the first of the month, today should have been The Bees' Blog, but they said that, following all the festivities, they'd prefer to just chill in front of the box.
They both insisted that they weren't giving up on the Blog, and they'd be back on 1 February as usual!
As midnight draws (fairly) near and Tiny Toy snores gently (he's usually in bed by 5 pm) everyone has gathered in the dining room to wish you all a Very Happy New Year!
I know that Wilson — although he hasn't made any New Year's Resolutions per se — has many plans which he hopes to bring to fruition next year.
I don't know what they are, so all I can do is await them with trepidation, and fear the worst!
Just as Uncle Zoltan was preparing to give a long and tedious toast about the turning of the year, Billi the Bee, rebellious as ever, suddenly interrupted, shouting: '2017 — could you just try to be a bit less crap than 2016?'
At first Uncle Z was flustered and quite annoyed, but after a moment's thought he repeated Billi's toast, and everyone clapped!
So, here's hoping YOUR 2017 will be happy, peaceful, healthy and a bit less crap than 2016 — CHEERS! 🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷
Despite the bitter cold, Wilson wrapped up and ventured into the garden this morning to have a word with the sTone Brothers about New Year's Eve, and came across Mole the Mole, who asked if it would be possible for W to turn the heating up a little.
Wilson immediately invited him indoors for the winter — who knows, perhaps he'll be able to help us out with our Xmas Cake Glut...
In other news, a fragment of information from Neil the Sloth: he has told us he used to live in the Gift Shop at the IoW Zoo.
Wilson is himself a member of the Great Sloth Dynasty, but even he is growing wearied of the time it takes to gain any information from Neil...
Much of Boxing Day was spent with Wilson and the older children playing The Chase.
Diesel the Goldfish was allowed to take part, but before he's thought of the answer he's forgotten the question, so he's at a bit of a disadvantage.
The furry little brown guy sitting on the floor with Antony is Neil the Sloth — more about him as we find it out.
He was a gift to Wilson from Dennis the Giant Anteater on the Isle of Wight, but he does everything s-o-o-o-o s-l-o-w-l-y that it's taken us two days even to learn his name...
For Xmas Wilson gave me a pair of personalised number plates (which I'll show you later) and a gift-wrapped box of plastic forks, coffee stirrers, sachets of sugar and ketchup, half-size pencils, napkins, paper tape measures and tiny ball-point pens. He said that if I didn't want to use them, at least I had the basis of an excellent collection!
I gave Wilson some toys, The Chase board game and a 'Beach Hut' Kit for the garden — I thought he might like to paint it to look like a TARDIS so he can play Dr Who with his friends.
During the Queen's Speech, Wilson and the boys played Twister, with the smaller children playing a parallel game on a Finger Twister board!
Wilson was very excited to get a good ant joke in his cracker: 'How do you tell the sex of an ant? Drop it in water — if it sinks it's a girl ant; if it floats it's bouyant'!
W also received an unexpected gift from Dennis the Giant Anteater on the Isle of Wight — more about this later...
Wilson and his whole family (with the possible exception of Uncle Zoltan) are in a state of maximum excitement as the final, final preparations are made for Xmas — I don't think anyone will be getting much sleep tonight!
Actually, TT and Johnson Minor have already had a brief spell in the Brown Paper Bag Of Serenity®™[pat pending] to calm them down.
We wish you ALL a V Brilliant and fANTastic Xmas, especially newly-wed Mrs Julia Edwards and Mr Matthew Edwards, from Wilson, Polly and Billi the Bees, Antony, Tiny Toy, Johnson Maj and Johnson Mi, Dave the Pig, the sTone Brothers, Diesel the Goldfish, the Easter Island Heads, the Mole living in the garden, me, and anyone else I've forgotten!
I expect I'll be too busy assembling and playing with (and probably repairing) Wilson's new toys to blog for a couple of days, but I'll tell you all about our Xmas as soon as I can.
Wilson, however (even more addicted to Social Media than me) will probably continue to Tweet about what's going on — check him out and chat with him at: @WVermilingua on Twitter!
Wilson's speech was received very well — I hope he won't be offended if I say surprisingly well.
Before the applause had died down he snatched up his guitar and started singing a song he'd written for the wedding, called Wedding Bee Blues, because it's based on a similar song he wrote when the Bees got married:
'Woke up this morning
Climbed out of my bed,
Well, I woke up this morning
Climbed out of my soft, warm bed,
Then I suddenly remembered:
Ms Julia's gettin' wed!'
... and so on, for several more verses.
His claws kept getting stuck in the strings during the chord changes, but overall it sounded pretty good, all things considered, and he's almost mastered the Bob Dylan voice. Dylan: the Late Years 'helium' version, that is…
As his song ended, and just as he was about to segue into Disco Hits From the Eighties on his spoons and kazoo, I whispered into his ear, 'Why not leave them wanting more?'
Removing the kazoo from his mouth he replied, 'I've got you, New Dad; I'll do this later — when everyone's dancing and had a bit more to drink!'
Finally, before the toasts began, Wilson passed among the bemused guests handing out flyers advertising his 'Surprisingly Inexpensive' Speech Writing Service...
Wilson was quite surprised to discover that he was not the only Best Man! There were a couple of other 'Groomsmen' as they were officially called, which is apparently an American Tradition.
W took the news quite well because, if anything, it should ease the pressure on him.
After posing for the group photos he decided that his Wedding Shoes were entirely unsuitable as wet weather wear, saying that when the wedding was over he'd dry them out and take them back to the shop and try to exchange them for Wellington Boots.
During the drive to the Marriot Hotel for the Reception, I could see his lips moving as he ran through his Best Man's speech in his head — he's quite apprehensive about delivering it, but I'm sure it will be just fine.
Although I've no idea what's in it — I hope there's nothing too risquĂ©...
There'll be more news and pictures from the Wedding Of The Year on Friday — don't miss it!
We've just set off for Ms Julia's Wedding!
Wilson, assuming that our car will be what he calls the Wedding Carriage, has decorated it with messages, and a white ribbon at the front.
We'd got as far as Gatwick before my nerves snapped: stopping the car I stepped outside and cut the strings trailing the tin cans from the rear bumper.
Thereafter W passed the time rehearsing the Wedding Song he's written for tomorrow — he can't manage the guitar in the passenger seat so he's making do with his spoons and kazoo.
I don't mean to be critical, but after a while I began to think I preferred the sounds of the tin cans dragging behind us.
There won't be any post tomorrow due to the wedding — but I hope we'll be back Wednesday, perhaps with some of the wedding photos!
I took Wilson shopping yesterday, to take his mind off the upcoming wedding, as he's becoming a tiny bit nervous about discharging his Best Man duties successfully.
While we were out he noticed that a lot of the shops and stores we visited give away free stuff — plastic forks, coffee stirrers, sachets of sugar and ketchup, half-size pencils, napkins, paper tape measures, tiny ball-point pens and so on — and he's started collecting them.
Kids and their collections, eh? Still, it's keeping him happy.
Before I forget, here as promised are the FREE DECORATIONS Wilson has designed for you.
He says you should cut them out carefully then fold them in half before gluing them closed and hanging them on your Xmas Tree.
Wilson warns that you should enlist the help of a grown-up while you're using the scissors and the glue, as he has had nasty fur-related accidents with both in the past...
With the help of all the children, Wilson is decorating the Xmas Tree.
If you look closely, you might just make out the special Baubles W is using: he has told me that he'll will be giving away some of those — and some other 'special' decorations — tomorrow.
Don't miss out on getting them as they will add 'Magic, beauty and a certain Je Ne Sais Quoi to your tree!'
I must stress those are W's words, not mine, so I hope you won't be disappointed.
Wilson is hoping that, what with his new furstyle, he might 'get off' with one of the bridesmaids — he say that it's a 'Well-known wedding tradition.'
I really must have a word with him about Appropriate and Decorous Behaviour at Ms Julia's wedding on Monday...
