There was no way this oil-dripping crate was going into the living room — it wasn't even going into the house!
It was also far too heavy for Wilson's little truck, so with the help of a neighbour we carried it round to the back garden, where W opened it.
Gazing at the contents, he seemed a little taken aback.
'I never expected it would be this... oily!' he exclaimed.
I asked him what it even was, and he told me that it was a Formula 1 Racing Car Engine he'd bought on eBay, which he intended to convert into a coffee table.
At this point the bees arrived carrying yard brooms and looking doubtfully at the oily stains spreading over the patio...
I was still eating my breakfast this morning when I heard the sound of a truck reversing onto our front drive.
By the time I got out there I discovered a very large wooden crate with an oil stain spreading out beneath it, and a bemused Wilson regarding it warily.
'Is there something you want to tell me about?' I asked.
'Before I say anything that might incriminate me,' he replied, 'could you help me lift this crate onto my cart and give me a hand wheeling it into the living room?'
Wilson was very upset to wake to the news that 'Fifth Beatle' Sir George Martin has died.
Actually, when he woke up to hear a Beatles song being played on the News he assumed it was Paul McCartney who had shuffled off this mortal coil...
Anyway, he's sitting quietly listening to his MP3 Complete Beatles Collection on his iPad, wearing a black arm band as a mark of respect.
He calls it his Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Black Arm Band.
Wilson spent all day yesterday searching unsuccessfully for his National Ant Day necessities: his Gold Crown, his Anting Net and his Lucky Jam Jar.
Reluctantly, as darkness fell, he agreed to compromise. Standing in for his crown was a paper hat from an Xmas cracker, he substituted a kitchen sieve for his net, and in place of his Lucky Jam Jar he used an as-yet unopened jar of strawberry jam. Armed with these and his Extra-Brite Military Grade LED Torch he headed out into the garden.
'This is hopeless, New Dad!' he complained. 'I shall never be able to see an ant like this, and anyway, they'll all be asleep in their nests!'
'Look! There!' I exclaimed, deftly flicking one of his dried ants in front of him.
He played along, picking up the immobile creature and examining it by torch light.
'Hmmm,' he remarked, suspiciously. 'It appears to be dead.' He sniffed it. 'And lightly coated in chocolate. But needs must, I suppose!'
It's not as though anyone else suffered from this small deceit — after all, he is the only anteater in the village, so no one has been cheated out of the title Ant King of Uckfield 2016.
We adjourned to the kitchen, W wearing his paper crown and chewing disconsolately on the ant while I followed behind carrying the sieve and jam jar.
'This,' he announced, 'has been the worst National Ant Day ever!'
Wilson is in a real state of anxiety today!
He was certain that today was Mothers' Day and next Sunday was National Ant Day... but he was only half right.
They are BOTH today!
National Ant Day falls on the first Sunday in March, and he has lost his accoutrements: his Gold Winner's Crown, Anting Net and Lucky Jam Jar are nowhere to be seen!
On the grounds that it is the room he least often visits, he has decided that they are probably hiding somewhere in the bathroom, and has mobilised the entire household, even Uncle Zoltan, to search for them.
Diesel the Goldfish is on stand-by in case someone has to search down the toilet beyond the S-Bend.
He is understandably not happy about that...
The Bees have now painted over the patches they put up yesterday.
I'm afraid that the finished effect is a lot less 'undetectable' than I'd hoped, but at least they've made the effort.
Unlike Wilson, who fell asleep reading his Rupert the Bear Annual, and had to be woken to admire the completed job.
Tomorrow is Mothers' Day, but W has forgotten to buy a card for his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, so intends to Skype her tomorrow.
I have been given strict instructions not to let him forget!
There was no blog yesterday because I insisted that Wilson repaired the dining room wall, where all the nails he'd hammered into it had caused numerous unsightly cracks.
The Bees, Polly and Billi, both being much more practical than Wilson (which honestly isn't saying a lot) offered to help, and before starting they all sat round discussing the best way to tackle the problem.
For some reason they decided that the best solution would be to stick paper over the cracks, then re-paint the patches to match the original wall colour.
They used pages from one of W's old Rupert the Bear Annuals to paste over the cracks, even though he hadn't finished it — so he sat reading the annual, then tearing out each page as he completed it. The bees would then paste it and stick it on the wall.
All the children were wisely kept well out of the way, lest there be some terrible glue-related incident.
Today the re-painting begins...
Hello, we are The Bees, Polly and Billi, and this is our guest blog.
First of all, let us say how very sorry we are that this is a day late — there was no blog yesterday because Mad Uncle Zoltan had eaten through a computer cable or something, and we had to wait until a new one came this morning from those very nice people at Amazon Prime... [If only they paid their UK Taxes! 😕]
Oh, and we'd forgotten that we don't call Uncle Z 'mad' any more. Sorry.
Today we're very concerned by the mess Wilson has made of the dining room wall by putting up all his PeTA posters with nails. I think we're going to have to help him put the damage to rights, or his New Dad will probably get quite cross. Or sad.
Anyway, our big news this month is that the lovely Pooh Bear — you know, the Bear of Very Little Brain, who lives in the Hundred Acres Wood with piglet and his friends — he's written a book ALL ABOUT BEES! There are lots of lovely paintings in the book, and you can have a look at it here:
http://tinyurl.com/qd6lm8u
Actually, the Hundred Acre Wood isn't very far from where we live here in Uckfield!
Anyway, we've been The Bees and we'll see you next month. 🐝 🐝
Until then, BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD!
Wilson gathered everyone in the dining room and gave a short speech about the evils of wearing fur that wasn't actually growing out of your own body, announcing, 'I would rather go NAKED than wear another animal's fur!'
After a brief, but dramatic pause, he pulled the cord to part the drapes.
The curtains were rent in two, and the room was filled with the sound as of a rushing, mighty wind as all present gasped.
'But it looks just like you ALWAYS look!' Johnson Major cried...
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Wilson has asked me to point out that there are TWO versions of his photo, because of Facebook's well-known objection to nipples: in the first photo he is COMPLETELY naked, whereas in the second he has concealed his offending parts.
He urges anyone who is easily offended NOT to look at the first picture.
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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Don't Nag your Anteater to take Showers!
I have succumbed to that scourge of humanity, Man Flu :-(
However, Wilson has been so busy over the last few days that he hasn't had time to even notice. He hasn't had time to mock my symptoms or tell me I'm making a terrible fuss.
Best of all, he hasn't had time to make me any of his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua's Sovereign Cure-All, her secret-recipe (and foul-tasting) Ant Soup with Extra Lumps!
So while I suffer in silence, Wilson is in the dining room nailing up some 'unveiling curtains' behind which his naked photo will remain hidden until it is revealed to a waiting and unsuspecting world tomorrow, the Last Day of FURbruary. It's going to be quite a big event!
And as soon as that's done, he must start his preparations for National Ant Day next Sunday.
It's a busy life he leads — no wonder he doesn't have time to go to school...
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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Romance a Red Lipped Batfish!
This morning Wilson and Antony headed into the darkroom with their exposed darkslides to process their photos.
Wilson made a LOT of jokes about 'Seeing what develops' etc. I laughed appreciatively... but there aren't many darkroom jokes I haven't heard a hundred times before.
There was a small disagreement between W and A about whether the Test Strips should be exposed 'linearly' or 'logarithmically' but I don't think they came to blows.
I've not been allowed to see the finished prints — there is a TOTAL EMBARGO on them until the day after tomorrow, when Wilson will reveal them to the waiting world.
There's no telling what the world will make of them...
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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Be Nice to a Narwhal!
Last night all bystanders, assistants and rubberneckers were ushered out of the living room until just the Closed Set Crew — Antony — remained.
Wilson was strangely shy about being photographed naked, and insisted that Antony wore a blindfold for the shoot. I think this is something to do with the subtle difference between being naked (as W spends most of his life) and being nude — a state arousing a more prurient and voyeuristic attitude.
When he was satisfied with his pose, Wilson instructed Antony, 'When I say NOW, you press the shutter release!'
Antony replied, 'Relax — I shall photograph you like I photograph my French Girls...'
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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Be Gentle to a Gerenuk!
Following last night's party, everyone is quite tired [hung over] this morning.
In fact, everybody is still in bed except for me and the select few who Wilson calls his 'Closed Set Crew' who are in the living room helping him prepare for his 'I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur' photo shoot.
Polly is applying make-up [Powdered Royal Jelly, since you ask] while Antony is famiiarising himself with the photographic process.
I pointed out to W that actually he IS wearing fur and asked whether he'd be shaving it all off for the picture.
He frowned indignantly and said he would be leaving his magnificent pelt intact, obviously, but would be subtly altering the headline to reflect his furry condition.
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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Kiss a Koala!
It was quite late last night when Wilson finally called me into the kitchen to present me with my FURbruary Gift — a water cooler converted into a WINE CHILLER! This is the coolest thing EVER!
'Happy FURbruary, New Dad!' he shouted, handing me a glass of wine and proceeding to demonstrate the machine's many wonderful features.
'Look, you see this extra tap? That dispenses hot mulled wine! And clipped to the back, there's an Ant Dispenser, so you can easily make your own ant-and-wine cocktails!'
Then he reassured me that I shouldn't worry about the price, as he'd sold his telescope on eBay at a tidy profit.
'I said it had been previously owned by Sir Patrick Moore!' he confessed cheerfully...
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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Support a Sloth!
Wilson took my news about not getting a Grand Prix Coffee Table pretty well, I thought — perhaps too well; he just said, 'That's okay, New Dad!' then touched the side of his nose, knowingly.
He then proceeded to tell me that as I am probably a Sentient Animal, I too am entitled to a Kind Gesture during FURbruary... and it will be arriving later today.
After only a few minutes, a delivery van called at the house and the driver unloaded a big wooden crate, which W 'helped' him carry into the kitchen.
He asked me to leave him alone while he opened the crate, so as not to spoil the surprise.
It was with some misgivings that I gave him the hammer, but the Bees are on hand in case of accident, and all the children are safely out of the way.
I can't wait to see what he's got me — I do hope I'm not going to hate it...
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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Pal-up with a Polar Bear!
This morning Wilson told me that, as he hinted yesterday, he HAS changed his mind about wanting a Formula 1 Engine Coffee Machine.
He said that, honestly, there's nothing wrong with the coffee we get from our current coffee machine, but what he thought we needed, indeed, what we ALL needed, was a Grand Prix Coffee Table!
Also, if I ordered it straight away it would be here in time for the start of the Formula 1 season on TV!
I explained, as gently as I could, that the chances of that happening were about equal with the chances of getting the £8000 coffee machine. Perhaps even less, as this looks hugely expensive!
TT, as you can see, is making a good recovery and is being waited on hand and foot by Antony and Uncle Zoltan.
Uncle Z really seems to have a way with children...
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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: beFriend a Fish!
Tiny Toy is recovering from his nail-related accident yesterday: Polly is comforting him while Billi pulls the nails out of little body as gently as she can.
Wilson, while sympathetic to his plight, says that TT shouldn't have been playing on a box of nails, while Antony maintains that W should only have taken out as many nails as he needed, not tipped them all over the table.
I think both arguments have some merit... but I'm keeping my opinion to myself!
Once TT had been stretchered away and put to bed, Wilson asked me whether I'd ordered his Formula 1 Coffee Machine yet. I replied that I hadn't and, barring a major Lottery win, I wasn't likely to.
To my surprise, he said, 'Oh, that's good, because I think I've changed my mind about it!'
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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Cherish a Chameleon!
I usually snap Wilson out of these episodes by suggesting we go away on a holiday, but at the moment our holiday fund has been dangerously depleted by the unexpected purchase of his very expensive telescope. Right now, in fact, we could barely afford an afternoon in Seaford, although I would dearly love to have a vacation soon!
At the moment he's just finished fixing another of his PeTA posters to the dining room wall. When I asked him if all these posters were resulting in holes in the wall, and whether BluTack wouldn't be better than nails, he deftly changed the subject by announcing that towards the end of FURbruary he intends to produce his own naked anti-fur poster...
I demanded an immediate, cast-iron assurance that I would not be featured in this poster.
He told me that rather depended on how the F1 Coffee Machine went...
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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Snuggle with a Snake!
Several of Wilson's friends have been in touch to say they've had similar dreams to mine — they all involved Formula 1 racing cars, and on waking they all had a desire to watch some Formula 1 racing while drinking coffee!
I'm afraid Wilson has fallen prey to another of his Idée Fixe — an obsession to, in this case, acquire an £8000 coffee machine in the form of a V8 racing engine.
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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Treasure a Tamandua!
After lunch today I dozed off in the living room, and had the strangest dream!
I dreamed that Lewis Hamilton had parked his Formula 1 racing car outside the house and was pouring me a coffee from the exhaust pipe!
Awaking with a start, I found Wilson staring intently at me! We locked eyes, and I couldn't seem to look away...
I think he's practicing his old 'mind control' thing again, to persuade me to spend £8000 on a new 'V8-style' coffee machine for him.
That clearly isn't going to happen, but if you take my advice, I'd try to avoid looking too deeply into his eyes today.
Not around the eyes... into the eyes... d e e p into the eyes...
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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Caress a Cow!
