HALF THE AIR IN A GIVEN SPACE

The Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery is due to open to the public in a couple of days, so my conducted tour must sadly draw to a close.

The final display on my visit consisted of a glass case with a couple of balloons in it. 

'Balloons With Two Artists' Breath?' I guessed.

'Absolutely not!' Wilson snorted, 'this is a totally different work based on a totally different concept… although I will concede that, like "Balloon With The Artist's Breath" it does feature balloons. This piece, however,  is based on an idea by Martin Creed, who half-filled rooms with balloons and made people walk through them.'

He paused while I considered this.

'It's in a small display case,' he continued, because we couldn't afford enough balloons to half-fill a whole room… and we couldn't actually spare a whole room either. It does lose rather a lot of its impact at this scale, I'm afraid.'

OAK TREE

Wilson apologised that, due to 'insurmountable' copyright problems and the fact that the original was currently on long-term loan to the Tate Gallery (who 'churlishly' refused to part with it) the next exhibit was not an original but a replica of the famous work 'Oak Tree' by Michael Craig-Martin. 

Comprising as it did a glass of water standing on a glass shelf, I had already mistaken it for a refreshments stop, but Wilson rushed to stop me reaching up to take a sip.

'You can't drink that, New Dad!' he exclaimed, 'not only is it a priceless and iconic work of art, it's not – as you may have understandably but erroneously supposed – a glass of water: it is in fact an oak tree!'

He drew my attention to the descriptive ticket, which confirmed the exhibit to be an oak tree, imaginatively entitled 'Oak Tree'! 

Well, who'd have guessed…

BALLOON WITH THE ARTIST'S BREATH

Moving on we arrived at another display case – one which at least had the benefit of not being empty.

'This' Wilson explained proudly, 'is a work by up-and-coming Young British Artist Biro! He captured his breath in a balloon and it is exhibited exclusively here in the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery… although there will be replicas available in the Gift Shop… as soon as he's got his breath back.'

By now I was beginning to lose the capacity to be surprised.

Wilson proceeded with his explanation, saying, 'I know what you're thinking, New Dad!'

I seriously doubted that, but he continued, 'You're thinking: "Wait a minute, this has been done before by the famous artist Piero Manzoni and is currently in the collection of the Tate Gallery!" But sadly, the passage of time has reduced Manzoni's original to a sticky, fragile mess.'

That was actually not at all what I had been thinking; I had been remembering Manzoni's most famous/notorious work, 'Merda d' artista' – a piece consisting of a sealed tin can containing a sample of the artist's 💩poo💩. I do hope neither of the boys is considering recreating that work!

Although I recall that one example of 'Merda d' artista' did sell at Christie's recently for £103,250 ($133,021 €121,528) so perhaps I shouldn't rush to judgment…

EXHIBIT ONE

Passing through the dimly-lit Foyer we moved into the first Gallery, in the centre of which stood an empty display case.

I told them the boys that it looked very nice and asked when they would put their first exhibit inside. 

Wilson gave me a withering look and patiently explained that the exhibit was already inside.

I looked again and confirmed to my satisfaction that it was completely empty. 

I said, 'Wilson, the display case is completely empty!' 

'No it's not!' he replied, 'It contains a Conceptual work called "Miniature Zebra" by James Franco. It's on loan from The Praxis Gallery.'

I turned and stared again into the empty case, but Wilson directed my gaze to a small card affixed to the front, which read:

❝Praxis
Miniature Zebra
Adoption, 2011
A non-visible animal has been adopted. The owner picks their name, sex, and even their personality, with registration papers from MONA, which also has a record of all adoptions.
About 10 inches high, looks exactly like a real zebra, it is friendly and loves to sit in your lap. It loves non-visible toys as well as an endless supply of food and treats.
Guaranteed to be friendly and disease-free with all its shots and it lives for ever.❞

I straightened up and shook my head in disbelief.

'Her name's Bennet, by the way' Wilson added helpfully.

I hope I shall understand something before the tour is over…

BEES' BLOG – LIKE SENDING BEES TO WAR

Hello, we are Polly and Billi The Bees, and this is our Guest Blog.

As though things weren't already bad enough for us bees, we've just learned something terrible about a popular and seemingly-innocuous product which you may even have in your store cupboard or pantry: ALMOND MILK.

https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2020/jan/07/honeybees-deaths-almonds-hives-aoe 

Friends of the Earth have worked out that 

“Within just one human generation, the odds for bumblebee survival have dropped by an average of more than 30%”

So, we've been The Bees and we'll see you all again next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD, think twice before you buy any Almond Milk… and don't forget this allegedly important announcement from Wilson's New Dad:
___________________________

INTERNATIONAL ANT DAY
Today was also International Ant Day, so Wilson and Byron took a day off from preparing the Gallery to observe the Traditional Rite of finding the First Ant of Spring.

Byron won, and was crowned Ant King of Uckfield!

Wilson took it quite well, considering that this is the first time he's lost since moving here (actually, this is the first time he's had any competition) saying, 'At least we kept it in the family!'

After a moment's reflection he added, 'Village Life has made me soft, New Dad – I've lost my Drive, my

Need To Win…'
 

PRIVATE TOUR

This morning after breakfast the boys took me into the garden. 

Wilson unlocked the door of the Gallery and ushered me inside into near-darkness.

Following my recent encounter with the Living Artworks, I wasn't looking forward to my visit quite as much as I might otherwise have been, but perhaps I shall be pleasantly surprised.

'In you go, New Dad,' Wilson instructed, 'and welcome to your private tour of the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery, Uckfield.'

He held out his paw, adding, 'Admission is £5.'

I handed over a fiver, thinking that I'd got off quite lightly, but then he added, 'Oh, I assume you'll be wanting the conducted tour? The exhibits might not make much sense without a carefully-crafted and highly educational commentary. That'll be another £5.00, please!'

Once I'd paid, we moved through the tenebrous Foyer of the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery, Uckfield towards the first Exhibition Gallery.

Tragically – since the next Blog Post is due on March 1st – it will be The Bees turn to blog, so you'll have to wait a couple more days until I can reveal what transpired inside the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery.

Please try to contain your curiosity until then – it shouldn't be too difficult…

LIVING ARTWORKS

Today I was due to have a Private Tour of the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery – I had even prepared some positive things to say when I didn't understand an exhibit – but it didn't happen.

Instead, I have been subjected to a Weird Experience, not unlike meeting a smaller, fur-covered version of Gilbert and George… 

Nërp called me into the dining room, saying there was something Wilson wanted me to see.

Upon entering, I was immediately aware of Byron and Wilson sitting in silence at the dining table, wearing paper hats, with Pterry between them.

Wilson was staring intently at an old fashioned cobbler's last, while Byron had a pencil poised over a blank paper pad.

I regarded them for a moment, then asked, 'Hi boys! What's going on?'

Byron immediately wrote on the pad: "Hi boys! What's going on?"

I asked a couple more questions, but was met with total silence, save for the faint sounds of Byron's pencil scratching on paper as he transcribed everything I said.

Eventually Nërp caught my eye and beckoned me outside, where he explained, 'It's called Performance Art, and the two performers are Living Artworks. They do weird things to mess with your mind.'

'Oh!' I replied, 'Did Wilson explain why they're doing this?'

'Um… no, not really' the android continued, 'But he did hint that it was to prepare you for your Conducted Tour of the Gallery – which, by the way, has now been rescheduled.'

'Is Pterry an active participant in this… um, thing?' I enquired.

'Not exactly,' Nërp explained, 'he's really only there because he still cries when he's left alone…'

In my day, this might have been called a Happening. I would probably have

fingered the Hippy Bell hanging round my neck, nodded appreciatively and said, 'Cool, man. Way cool!' – but that was then…

FINAL TOUCHES

The lads are in the Gallery making final adjustments to the signage and so on before next month's Grand Opening.

Wilson says that tomorrow he will give me a Private Tour of the gallery, so there's something to look forward to… or not.

I have a nasty feeling that after I've taken the tour Wilson will interrogate me – he'll want my honest opinion on what I thought of the Gallery and the exhibits.

I just hope I can come up with something diplomatic to say – something positive and tactful.

I'd better start thinking about that now, so I'm not caught off-guard when the time comes…

MAJOR CULTURAL EVENT

When the Museum of Old Stuff and a Robot opened, there were lights, a PA system, speeches – even Uncle Zoltan on the roof playing on his drums!

For the opening of his Gallery, The Vermilingua Contemporary, though, Wilson has opted for a more laid-back and sophisticated approach, marking the opening only with announcements in The Times Educational Supplement, Artists & Illustrators, The Artist, Sight & Sound and ArtReview, as well as in the Local Press.

Byron proudly told me that he and W think this could 'Really put Uckfield on the map' in the same way that the Turner Contemporary has revived the fortunes of Margate…

The Bees have grudgingly agreed to enforce parking charges, and Uncle Z is once again manning the cash register on the Admission Desk – no one in their right mind would risk trying to slip past him without paying! 
___________________

Provisional Opening Day will be 11 MARCH – please put the date in your diary!

A DELICATE DELIVERY

Early this morning an enormous pantechnicon arrived to deliver a packing crate larger than I have ever seen before!

At first I feared, now the house is full of cardboard boxes containing the displaced exhibits from his Museum, Wilson was going to ask me to move into the crate and live there, but I was relieved to learn that the van

will return tomorrow to collect it and refund W's deposit.

Nërp removed one of the crate's end panels and we all trooped in to see what had been delivered – once the protective wrapping had been stripped away, several beautiful and expensive-looking glass display cases stood revealed.

'Vitrines!' Wilson exclaimed, 'They're called Vitrines – aren't they fab?'

'Were they very, um, expensive?' I enquired – Wilson replied that they were worth every penny.

Honestly, it's not the pennies I'm worried about, so much as the pounds – I expect I shall find out exactly how worried I should be once my VISA bill arrives…

SIGNWRITING FOR FUN AND PROFIT

Wilson is putting the finishing touches to the exterior by painting the name of the Gallery on the side wall.

He seems very skilled in the art of lettering, but I have absolutely prohibited him from painting the name of his gallery anywhere on the car. I might be persuaded to allow a small window or bumper sticker, but absolutely nothing more!

When he opened his Museum he had a big Opening Ceremony, with speeches and Uncle Zoltan on the roof performing interminable drum solos – I hope we're not going to have to go through all that again.

A BIG CLUE

At last, I think I know what's going on!

I asked Wilson directly, and he confirmed that he was indeed opening a gallery of contemporary art.

He confided that he was initially going to call it the Wilson Contemporary, but feared that its initials – W.C. – might cause a measure of unwelcome mirth… and moreover, as it was mostly Byron's idea he thought that maybe he should share the credit by using a name that included them both.

REFURBISHMENT

The lads are cladding the walls of the shed with artificial brick panels, and I have to say it's looking very good!

I might have a word and ask them whether they'd do one of the walls in the living room the same… but I don't suppose I could afford their rates.

I must say that the Museum has been completely transformed, both inside and out – although it's not very big, the new wall finish and colour make it look much more spacious and airy.

If only I knew what they were going to use it for – I hope it's not a Drinking Club or some kind of Clip Joint!

RELOCATION

The boys have now packed all the exhibits from the Wilson Vermilingua Museum of Old Stuff and a Robot into cardboard boxes –  and moved them into the dining room.

It puts me in mind of the time Wilson started his own Self Storage business, when every room in the house was crammed with boxes of strangers' stuff – I didn't enjoy that, but at least Wilson was getting paid for it.

In other news, Wilson is still waiting for his first BorisBoard®™ order to pour in. 

He's putting a brave face on it, but I think he's starting to accept that it's not going to make him rich…

WORK BEGINS

The boys are busy re-painting the Wilson Vermilingua Museum of Old Stuff and a Robot – although I don't yet know why.

The chosen colour – White With A Hint of Curiosity – looks very clean and fresh, and it does make the shed look very bright –  eye-catching, even… and I don't mean that in a wholeheartedly good way.

Still, both the lads are full of enthusiasm, and Wilson says that once the paint on the outside is dry they can start on completely refurbishing the interior.

A TRIP TO THE DIY STORE

I've driven Wilson and Byron round to Green's DIY in the village to buy some white paint. 

Exterior paint seems very expensive – but as long as whatever Wilson has planned to do with it distracts him from his fear of being deported, I really don't mind.

Of more concern is the time it's taking to choose the right shade of paint – I'd like five minutes alone with the marketing guy who came up with the 'White With A Hint Of…' concept!

Anyway, they have finally decided on a colour which describes itself as 'White With A Hint Of Curiosity' so now it remains only to pay, drive home and learn where it is to be applied…

THE BOYS ARE BACK

Since there has been no sign of the Police, Immigration Department, UK Border Force or any other official body checking up on him, Wilson has finally judged it safe for him and his brother Byron to emerge from the Brexit Shelter and resume life above ground – albeit, he spends quite a lot of time looking nervously over his shoulder, and always checks the spy-hole before opening the front door.

W is finding it very difficult to get warm after his chilly subterranean sojourn and insists on wearing a shawl until his body temperature returns to normal – a process he is encouraging by consuming copious amounts of very hot coffee laced with gin.

During their time underground there was much opportunity for thinking and talking, and Byron spoke at length about a subject close to his heart – Modern Art – reminiscing fondly about our visit to the Turner Contemporary Gallery in Margate last year.

Wilson has told me that these chats have given him a Brilliant Idea to generate some income – just to tide him over until orders for his BorisBoard®™ start to pour in. 

He hasn't told me what the idea is, but obviously, I'm expecting the worst…

STRAIGHT FROM THE ANTEATER'S MOUTH

Mole has just returned, covered in mud, to pass on a message from Wilson!

Unused to being the centre of attention, he was breathless with excitement, and Dave and Neil also basked in their new-found fame.

Eventually, Mole gathered his thoughts and, taking a deep breath, finally relayed Wilson's message: 

'He says he'll think about it.'

Not quite the message I'd hoped for, but positive nonetheless. 

Anteaters are not intended to live underground for extended periods of time, so I'm hopeful that he'll risk emerging from his sanctuary soon.

I'll pop out in a minute and waft some freshly-brewed coffee with marshmallows fumes outside the entrance to the Shelter, and I might mention that the next episode of Star Trek: Picard is available – maybe that will do the trick…

ALL CLEAR?

This morning I sent Mole the Mole out to the Asteroid Shelter (AKA Brexit Shelter) to inform Wilson and Byron that there had be no sign of, nor communication from, the UK Border Force or the Immigration Department, and perhaps it was safe for them to come out now.

Dave the Pig and Neil the Sloth kept Mole company – not for anything they could contribute to the situation, but neither of them gets out much, and I thought the fresh air might do them good…

BEES' BLOG

Hello, welcome, we are 🐝 Polly and 🐝 Billi The Bees, and we're a bit worried…

As you know, even in the face of Death by Pesticide we Bees like to put a Brave Face On Things, to smile through the tears, so to speak, because as Ms Davina McCall once said, 'Nobody wants to see a Sad Bee' – but there's just no getting around this.

We have just left the EU, with all its brilliant wildlife and animal protection programmes and policies – and because of that our dear friend Wilson has gone into hiding, living underground and eating worms!

Now we're not in the EU any more, Wilson is certain he's about to be deported to Costa Rica as an Undesirable Alien… or possibly an Illegal Immigrant, we can't remember which.

Anyway, we can't bear to think of him and his poor brother Byron living in the damp earth and eating invertebrates, so we're going to have a word with his New Dad to see if he can't tempt him out and reassure him.

So, we've been The Bees and we're not happy. 

We're actually extremely anxious, perturbed, concerned, distressed, fretful and agitated. Also apprehensive, fearful and afraid.

We'll probably see you again next month, and until then, BEEEEE KIND WHEN POSSIBLE!

(PS – it's always possible…)