MARGATE HERE WE COME

We're off!

An air of suppressed excitement and keen anticipation (and one or two other things) pervades the car as we leave Uckfield.

Nërp has never been on holiday before and has no idea what to expect, while Byron's only vacations have been to stay with Wilson and me, so everyone's expectations are sky-high!

It's The Bees' turn to Blog tomorrow, so you won't see us actually in Margate until Sunday – a treat to look forward to! 

... or not.

In the meantime, please think of me over the coming hours – long hours of being asked incessantly, 

'Are we there yet?',
'Is it MUCH further?' and
'Can we stop to buy some sweets/drinks/comics/buckets & spades/novelty USB sticks?'…

FALSE START

I told Wilson about our planned long weekend in Margate, and before I could stop him he had packed his suitcase and taken it out to the car!

Calling back to me, he shouted impatiently, 'I've put my stuff in the Jukey, New Dad – LET'S GO!'

At risk of disappointing him, I explained that Byron, Nërp and I hadn't even started our packing, and that I had yet to book accommodation.

I told him I'd aim to get away Friday, and he ran off to 'help' Byron and Nërp  with their packing…

TURNER CONTEMPORARY

Cursory research revealed (well, actually Nërp told me) the home of the Turner Contemporary Gallery to be not Moorgate (in Central London) but Margate on Kent's north coast.

Margate is a famous seaside holiday resort, and home town of the wonderful and iconic one-time YBA Tracey Emin!

While Wilson is not overly concerned with the Fine Arts unless they involve a depiction of himself, he is a great enthusiast of both the seaside and holidays – a short trip to Margate would give us all a seaside vacation AND fulfil young Byron's dream, thus killing two birds with one stone!

Or as Wilson prefers to put it (expressing the same idea without involving the gratuitous death of wildlife) throw two sixes with one dice…

Die. 

Whatever – the English Language is littered with Irregular Plurals…

KATIE PATERSON

My curiosity now piqued, I persisted… and eventually Byron told me that Katie Paterson is an artist of whom he is a great admirer. 

He'd read that she had an exhibition at The Turner Contemporary Gallery in Moorgate, and if it wasn't too far from Uckfield, he wondered whether we could visit…

I enquired what kind of an artist she is, and Byron told me she was a Conceptual Artist, and one of the reviews he'd read said the show is 'an overwhelming and fascinating experience – truly magical and remarkable.'

'I'd just thought it would be nice to be Overwhelmed and Fascinated by a Truly Magical Experience... but I shouldn't have brought it up – please forget I ever mentioned her name.'

At this moment, Nërp wandered past.

'Hi Biro!' he greeted Byron, 'Did I just hear someone mention Katie Paterson, the famous artist? I LOVE her work, although of course I've only ever seen it in reproduction, sadly.'

CONVERSATION WITH BYRON

Sitting at breakfast this morning, at first all I could hear was a hesitant coughing sound.

Then Byron's head appeared opposite me.

'Um… excuse me, Wilson's New Dad,' he began nervously, 'could I ask you a question?'

'Good morning, Byron,' I replied, 'Of course you can! What would you like to know?'

'Well, I was just wondering if you knew Katie Paterson?'

I racked my brain for a minute before I confessed that I didn't, asking, 'Is she one of Wilson's friends?'

'No,' he said, 'but it doesn't matter – please forget that I asked.'
__________

In other news, views of Wilson's Blog have topped 65000!

SOUVENIR POSTCARDS

Having as yet sold nothing from the Gift Shop, Wilson was a little more confident as he led his visitors to what he calls the Bargain Zone, where lower-cost items may be purchased.

One by one, he removed picture postcards from the rack and extolled the virtues of each one.

Eventually, I bought a postcard. 

It was a Pity Purchase, but W seemed pleased and directed me to Uncle Zoltan at the pay desk to complete my investment.

I was a little surprised when Uncle Z told me the postcards were £5.00 each, but I proffered a £10 note, which he accepted and rang up in his Fisher Price Cash Register, while I waited patiently for my change.

When no change was forthcoming, I asked if anything was wrong. 

Uncle Zoltan replied that for 'logistical reasons' it was not possible for him to give change.

I said in that case, I'd have another postcard, to make the bill up to £10, but he advised me that would not be possible since he had rung up the money and the transaction was now at an end.

I was going to pursue the matter, but he started eyeing the Souvenir Bottles of WaspEeze meaningfully…

EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP

Once Wilson had extracted every penny possible by means of his Tip Jar and a baleful stare, he invited his visitors through into the Gift Shop where, he explained,  they would be able to purchase 'All manner of wonderful souvenirs of your visit to the Wilson Vermilingua New Museum of Old Stuff… including,' he gestured towards a poster on the wall, 'this striking Homage to Robert Indiana Art Print, a steal at only £25.'

He paused to survey his guests expectantly, in the manner of an auctioneer waiting for someone to raise their hand, but there were no takers.

'Okay,' he continued, 'no art lovers in today, but there is a cornucopia of other delightful mementos, something to fit every budget, however paltry: Key Rings, Postcards, Badges, to name but a few!'

He waited again, to a silence broken only by the sound of shuffling feet.

'Anyway, please take your purchases to Uncle Zoltan at the Pay Desk. For your own well-being, you are advised not to make any sudden hand movements while he is serving you – I mention this purely for your own protection – however souvenir bottles of WaspEeze are available behind the counter…' 

THE TOUR CONCLUDES

Once the shortlisted items of 'Special Interest' had all been seen, Nërp announced the conclusion of the tour:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, the Free Tour of the Wilson Vermilingua New Museum of Old Stuff is now at an end. As you will have noticed, there are many interesting exhibits in the museum which we've not been able to look at, so I hope we'll see you all again soon, when you can enjoy them at a more leisurely pace. Thank you for your kind attention.'

Wilson desperately whispered to him, 'Don't forget to mention Gratuities!'

Nërp, not understanding, glanced at the gesturing Wilson, who shouted, 'The Tip Jar! Tell them about The Tip Jar!'

Nërp flushed briefly, then said that it is a condition of his employment at the Wilson Vermilingua New Museum of Old Stuff that he advises all visitors that Gratuities are welcome.

'Go on!' W prompted urgently.

'Um… this is deeply embarrassing,' N continued, 'but it would appear that the Suggested Gratuity is £5, $6.37, €5.71 cash only. Change will not be given.'

Wilson rushed in and started enthusiastically brandishing the Tip Jar, while Nërp muttered to himself, 'Oh, the indignity of it all – I am mortified!'

EUROVISION SONG CONTEST

I let both of the boys (and everybody else) stay up late to watch Eurovision until the end.

Byron had never seen one before, and was agog much of the time!

I told the boys they could have five votes each, but the lines were so busy that only one vote got through – for Denmark (with the Giant Furniture) which we'd all liked.

Madonna was… surprising. Her appearance as a One-Eyed Space Pirate caused TT to burst into tears!

After Graham Norton satirically explained that she was bravely appearing "in spite of suffering from an attack of conjunctivitis*" Wilson thought that must explain her very off-key and lacklustre performance.

Overall, however, Wilson said it was the Best Eurovision Ever – and I'm inclined to agree. Almost all the songs were excellent, and the staging was magnificent!

What with everyone getting to bed so late last night, though, we're all a bit bleary-eyed this morning. None of us has been up for long and even Nërp keeps yawning…
________

*I know for a fact that Wilson confuses Conjunctivitis with Cystitis... 😉

THE WIRELESS

For the weekend, Nërp has assumed Conducted Tour duties, to give Wilson time to prepare for tonight's Eurovision Song Contest.

With no visible signs of nervousness, Nërp commenced, 'Ladies and Gentlemen – welcome to this Free Guided Tour of the Wilson Vermilingua New Museum of Old Stuff. My name is Nërp, and I shall be your Tour Guide today. I should like first to draw your attention to this small item labelled "Wireless"'. 

The visitors crowded round to peer at the small plastic box Nërp had indicated.

'It is allegedly a miniature unidirectional telecommunications device driven by discrete "transistors" – or "trannys", as they were colloquially known at the time.'

Nërp paused while the small group of visitors variously Ooh'd, Aah'd and muttered that if the tour weren't free, they'd be asking for their money back.

Resuming his commentary, Nërp announced, 'Doubtless you will have observed the delightful QUADROPHENIA 40th Anniversary Badges displayed adjacent to the Wireless. These may be purchased for a trifling sum in the Gift Shop – just ask Uncle Zoltan if you wish to acquire them, but it is recommended to approach him with a measure of… caution.'

HISTORY OF PHOTOGRAPHY

'These little black boxes', Wilson continued, moving on to the next display, 'are cameras. They date from The Leatherette Age, which is a geological period of pre-history coming just after The Wood Age, when everything was covered in Leatherette. My New Dad has confirmed that they really are cameras, although they don't have batteries or anywhere to put a memory card. They may be solar powered, because you could only take photographs if the sun was shining, and it was behind you.'

We all shuffled forward for a closer look.

'To the right of the cameras are some traditional "Anteater Playing Cards" – there are only three different cards in the pack, so they're best for playing games like Snap. I may design some more cards later, if I have time, but you can buy a pack of these in the Gift Shop. I think you'll love them!'

Moving on, he announced, 'Tomorrow, we shall see something confusingly called "The Wireless", which I think you'll find is very interesting…'

THE TOUR CONTINUES

The next exhibit Wilson proudly displayed was a pile of old Audio and VHS cassettes.

I think I recognise some of these, actually – I'm sure I remember recording that very Mix Tape…

I'm quite glad to live my life without cassettes now – iTunes and Netflix might be quite expensive, but at least they never chew up your recordings irretrievably!

I don't mean to be disloyal, but I hope Wilson's next exhibit is a bit more… well, interesting. 

Or old – old would be good, in a Museum.

EXHIBIT 1

Wilson is getting into his stride with his first Conducted Tour of the Museum.

'The first exhibit I would like to show you is this relic from a plane dating from the Great Ant Wars of 1921,' he began. 

'It was salvaged from the aircraft driven by my famous ancestor Alberto Victor Gutiérrez-López, the legendary Blue Baron, and bequeathed to me in his Will!'

Tour members drew closer to examine this artefact.

'It is an instrument called a Knotometer. Or possibly a Knot-o-meter. Its purpose was to show that the knots securing the wings to the rest of the airplane were properly tied, so the wings and stuff wouldn't fall off while the plane was flying!' he announced confidently, before adding, 'Actually it might be pronounced Knot'o'Meter, nobody really knows for certain, which just adds to its interest…'

GUIDED TOUR OF THE MUSEUM

Wilson is just announcing the Terms and Conditions of his Free Museum Tours.

The chief condition appears to be that if you've mislaid your Free Admission Ticket, the Free Tour is going to cost you a Fiver! [£5 or about US $6.50]

I did warn you to keep that ticket safe…

If you require anything from the Gift Shop – which is now officially open – Uncle Zoltan will be happy to serve you. 

Well, he'll serve you, anyway. 

When dealing with Uncle Zoltan, my Top Tip would be: don't argue with him about your change!

GRAND OPENING CEREMONY

The whole family has gathered in front of the garden shed, um, well… that's to say The Museum, and Wilson has welcomed everyone to this exciting new educational (and, he hopes, profitable) venture.

'Before I cut the ribbon and declare this Museum open,' he announced, 'here is world-renowned comedian, Tiny Toy, direct from his sell-out gig at the Happy Ant Diner – please give it up for Tiny Toy!'

Wilson lifted TT and held him up to the microphone.

'Hello, good evening, welcome!' TT began. 'Do you know how many Roadies it takes to change a lightbulb?' He stretched out a tiny paw and tapped the Mic, saying, 'One! Two! One! Two! Two two two! – thank you, you're very kind. 

This reminds me of the time Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson went to a Rock Museum. They walked around for a while when Watson noticed a rock that didn't have a display card. 

"What kind of rock is that?" he asked Sherlock.

"Sedimentary, my dear Watson!"

Thank you, thank you! I've been Tiny Toy, and you've been a wonderful audience – goodnight!'

Wilson thanked him then with a flourish of his scissors cut the ribbon and announced, 'I declare The Wilson Vermilingua New Museum of Old Stuff is now… OPEN!'

Everyone cheered enthusiastically!

Uncle Zoltan then began an interminable Drum Solo of the roof…

COMPLIMENTARY TICKET

Wilson has generously (and after much soul-searching) decided to give all his friends a Free Admission Ticket to the WILSON VERMILINGUA NEW MUSEUM OF OLD STUFF!

The Grand Opening will take place tomorrow, then from Sunday onwards he, Byron and Nërp will be taking it in turns to give Guided Tours of the museum, pointing out any specially interesting* or valuable* exhibits!

You will need your Free Ticket for these tours, so please put it somewhere safe until then.
_________________

*Please lower your expectations. No, a bit lower than that!

BEES' BLOG – PATRONS OF THE ARTS

Hello, we are 🐝Polly and 🐝Billi The Bees, and this is our Guest Blog.

It's a week late, because Wilson's New Dad's computer went wrong or something, but we think it's alright now, so here we go:

In our last Blog we showed you our Daguerrotype of the Old Queen, HM Queen Destiny-Tanisha the IV.

There was quite a lot of interest in that, so this time, we're showing you our Calotype of HRH Princess Stacey-Peppa.

To celebrate the opening of Wilson's New Museum, we are going to donate this valuable portrait to his Permanent Collection, thus making us Patrons Of the Arts!

Excuse me a moment – Johnson Major! Don't stand on Wilson's… um, stuff – it might look like old rubbish to us, but if you break anything, he'll be very upset! GET DOWN NOW! 

Sorry about that.

So, we've been The Bees, and we'll see you next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEE GOOD!

CONVALESCENCE

The iMac, freshly home from the iMac Hospital, is now tucked up in bed convalescing.

Wilson keeps fussing over it, offering it glasses of Lucozade and generally giving it the same TLC his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, gave him when he was a young cub with a grazed knee or an upset tummy.

It was a kind gesture for The Bees to bring grapes, but I hope no-one tries feeding them to the patient through it's

ThunderBolt Port…
_________________________

Since you've waited so patiently, here's a schedule of what you can look forward to over the coming days:

Wednesday – The Bees' Blog (postponed from 1st May);
Friday – a small but generous gift from Wilson;
Saturday – the Grand Opening of the Wilson Vermilingua New Museum of Old Stuff;
Sunday onwards Wilson will be conducting Tours Of The Museum, pointing out exhibits of special interest*

*Hmmm. I await that with curiosity – and a measure of scepticism...

HOSPITAL VISITORS

W E ' R E   B A C K !
 
As you must be aware, there have been no posts for several days.

This is because my iMac was suddenly taken ill, and has been in what Wilson refers to as the MacHospital undergoing surgery.

Last night we received a telephone call to tell us that it was now fully recovered and ready to be discharged! 🙂

Wilson together with Nërp (to do the carrying – iMacs are much heavier than they look) rushed straight round to collect it and bring it home.

At the moment it's on what W calls Light Duties, which is why this post is so brief, but I'm confident that everything will be back to normal very soon. 🤞

SLEEPIN' IN THE SUN

Antony and TT are exhausted, having been up Curating with Wilson and Byron well into the early hours.

Consequently, they are now dozing in the garden.

When Wilson came upon them, was pretty miffed at them taking a day off at such a critical stage of his preparations, and told them so.

'Lazybones!' he said, in quite a sharp tone, 'Sleepin' in the sun? How you gonna get your day's work done?'

TT just held up one paw and replied, 'As Carrie Snow once observed, "No day is so bad it can’t be fixed with a nap".'

Antony added, '"The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more" – interestingly, your namesake Wilson Mizener said that.'

Finally TT told Wilson that everything would be fine: 'Just chill, Wilson Dude! To paraphrase Jane Pauley,
"You can't look at a sleeping stuffed toy anteater and be tense." You should try it!'