While waiting to dispense advice,
Wilson cuts an orange slice.
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Wilson is sitting under the letterbox in the hall, waiting anxiously for the postman to arrive with a sackload of Agony Uncle problems for his consideration.
To pass the time, he's idly playing with an orange. He originally had it to garnish his Gin Fizz, but after cutting the first slice he stuck on some googly eyes and started amusing himself with it by making it 'talk' and so on.
He says he's considering working this up into a professional ventriloquism act, but in the meantime orange juice is running down his arm and going everywhere.
I hope I don't have to write in to 'Uncle Wilson' and ask for his 'professional' advice on how to clean orange juice off a wooden floor...
"No Problem Too Big! No Problem Too Small!"
But will Wilson receive any problems at all?
Wilson has purchased advertising space in The Uckfield Eye (incorporating the Buxted Bugle and the Cackle Street Chronicle) to promote his Agony Uncle service.
Despite living in Uckfield (only a few miles from Buxted and not far from Cackle Street) I have never heard of this newspaper, but Wilson assures me that it is a 'Well-respected news outlet with an ABC-verified circulation of "Lots"' – and in any case, it has the cheapest advertising rate in the UK.
I suspect this latter was the deciding factor for W, who always likes to keep his operating costs to the bare minimum.
Anyway, the next edition comes out tomorrow, so now there is nothing for Wilson to do but sit back and wait for the problems to roll in.
He has Polly-B on standby in the event that any 'personal' problems should require his words of wisdom and succour...
No need to buy a Recipe Book,
Wilson will show you what to cook.
Wilson has accepted that he was wrong to secretly replace all the Recipe Cards in our local Tesco with his own ant-based Recipe Cards.
However, rather than put all his cards in the Recycling Bin, he has decided to share them with you, his friends and readers.
He points out, though, that since he has no control over your ingredients, the cleanliness of your kitchen, or whether you have washed your paws before you start cooking, you use these recipes entirely at your own risk.
Having tasted all of Wilson's recipes at one time or another, I can highly recommend his Veggie Ant Quiche – although I confess I always pick the ants out of my serving while he's not looking. You might want to consider doing the same.
"Every Little Helps" they say,
But Wilson's help is not okay.
_______________________
I've just received the phone call I'd been half-expecting and half dreading... from the General Manager at Tesco.
It appears that Wilson's idea of 'Really putting Tesco on the map' was to replace all their 'outdated' recipe cards with his own ant-based recipe cards.
Also the shelf-banners have had a bit of an 'update'.
While the very nice manager appreciated that W had done this from the best of motives, she said that it would have been better if he'd asked first.
''I would have asked first,' Wilson explained, 'but I was afraid you'd have said "no"...'
'We would,' she replied. 'Still, there's been no harm done, so let's just say no more about it.'
Making our way back to the car, W complained that supermarkets should be prepared to Think Different – to move forward into an insect-based culinary future...
According to W's friend Kate, in New Zealand you can already buy snacks with ants in them – 'That' he said, 'is one forward-thinking country.'
As we drove home, he asked me whether I'd ever thought of moving to New Zealand...
Wilson tries with all his might
To put his bad behaviour right
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I expect you remember when Wilson started 'acting out' and got into a bit of trouble at our Tesco Supermarket a few weeks ago?
Now he feels very bad about it, and has resolved to try to make amends.
He's just set off for our local Tesco in the village, and although I don't fully* understand what he intends to do, he's told me he's 'Really going to help put Tesco on the map'.
_____________________
* I have absolutely NO idea... 😕
Don't let your money go to waste;
Send it to Wilson now, in haste!
_________________________
I'm sure you all know by now that the old £1 coin will cease to be legal tender next Sunday.
Wilson was unaware of this until he heard something about it on the radio this morning. He reported to me that there are more than FIVE HUNDRED MILLION of these soon-to-be-worthless Old Pound Coins still rattling about in people's purses, pockets and piggy banks. Oh, and down the back of the sofa, obviously.
W says that this is a dreadful waste, and has launched a CHARITY APPEAL to save this money being lost or grabbed by the Government.
He says that if just ONE IN FIVE HUNDRED of these old coins was sent to him, he would be a millionaire, thus keeping the imprudent promise he made to his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, all those years ago!
He pledges that all money received over-and-above £1m he will personally donate to the Sloth Orphanage in Costa Rica and the Retirement Home for Elderly Elephants in Thailand — I have to admit, he seems pretty confident!
So, Wilson asks you to please send all your old £1 coins to:
Wilson Vermilingua
New Dad's House
Uckfield
England.
I've given him a few just to start him off...
Scared lest a Meteor land on his head,
Wilson deserted his cosy warm bed.
_________________________
Last night Wilson, accompanied by Antony and TT, slept in the Asteroid Shelter in the garden as a precaution against being killed by the Draconid Meteor Shower.
Because of the very limited accommodation afforded by the Shelter, the rest of his family was forced to risk Sudden Death By Meteorite* Strike while nervously sharing my bed in the house. This, I have to say, made for a pretty restless night.
I finally got off to sleep about 3am, only to be rudely awoken moments later by a cold and very damp Wilson scrambling into bed beside me.
He judged that the 'imminent danger' had passed, and remaining in the (still partly flooded) Asteroid Shelter was 'Just not viable.'
_____________________________________
* A Meteorite is a Meteor that strikes the Earth — educational or what?!
Wilson shares his plans with me:
An Agony Uncle he will be.
_______________________
Wilson has explained to me what an Agony Aunt does, and announced his intention of becoming an on-line Agony Uncle.
He says that it's 'money for old rope' because all you need to do is tell people what you would do in their situation.
The chief benefits of his new career, apparently, are that he could work from home (even in bed if necessary!) or while he's on holiday, thus ensuring a constant flow of holiday spending money.
He then described how, through the miracle of multi-tasking (at which anteaters are allegedly highly skilled – although I have never seen any evidence of this) he can be an Agony Uncle even while simultaneously working on his Ant Identifying Pencil, and proceeded to show me this blueprint of his latest design.
He has sworn me to secrecy, giving me strict instructions not to show anyone this blueprint – so once again I'm relying on your absolute discretion!
A job helping others is Wilson's dream,
But is it just a cash-making scheme?
_______________________________
This morning I received an invoice from Amazon for a book called 'Agony Aunting for Fun and Profit' and another called 'So You Want To Be An Agony Aunt'.
All thoughts of his Ant-Identifying Pencil having apparently been put aside for the time being, Wilson is sitting in the conservatory reading them.
Polly is encouraging him in what she calls his interest in 'The Caring Profession'... although I'm guessing his interest is less in 'Caring' and more in 'Earning'.
An Agony Aunt Wilson spies on TV —
I hope he's not going to write in about me!*
Yesterday, while suffering from what he calls Inventor's Block, Wilson watched This Morning on tv, and saw their regular Agony Aunt dispensing advice to distressed viewers.
For an anteater whose only problem is that he's not a millionaire, I thought he paid it rather close attention.
I hope he's not going to write in and say he's having a problem with me...
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* Homage to Rupert the Bear — should we make this a regular feature?
Wilson has now binge-watched all of Stranger Things Series One, and there's no more Star Trek - Discovery episodes until tonight, so now he's busy in the Design Studio (AKA Dining Room) working on his Ant Identifying Pencil.
He needs to have it in production in time for what he calls 'The lucrative Xmas stocking-filler shopping rush' in mid-December, so he probably won't stop until he's either finished it or dropped from exhaustion...
Hello, I am Billi the Bee, and this is our... um, MY Guest Blog!
I normally present this blog with my Significant Other, Life Partner and Wife, Polly, and together we tell you important stuff about bees, life, the universe and everything, but today is a bit different.
Wilson gave his New Dad a subscription to Netflix for his birthday, and now we're all busy watching Stranger Things.
Now I'm not going to lie, because Friends Don't Lie, but I'm a bit disappointed that no-one has done any work or activism since we got this Netflix thing — Even Polly can't tear herself away to talk to you now.
The only reason Wilson isn't here is because he's in the kitchen making himself a Margarita Slushy before he comes back to watch, when really he should be inventing stuff to make him rich.
Although I will admit that Stranger Things is VERY exciting – and there have already been a few arguments about who will be 'Eleven' when we play Stranger Things games in the garden – I'm beginning to think that Netflix is the Opium of the People.
The People round here, anyway!
So, I've been The Bee, and I'll see you next month.
Until then, BEEEEEEEE GOOD – and don't watch too much Netflix!
Wilson has just given me my Belated Birthday Presents: a Slushie machine for the kitchen, and a subscription to Netflix.
At the moment he is in the living room drinking Raspberry-and-Ant Slushies while watching Star Trek – Discovery on Netflix with most of the rest of the family.
I mentioned my fears about our level of expenditure, but W told me not to worry, as his new invention will take care of all our financial woes, with plenty to spare...
My birthday was a few weeks ago. On the day, Wilson wished me a Happy Birthday, but said that my presents weren't quite ready yet.
Today he's told me that they will be arriving tomorrow!
I'm pretty excited, but I just hope the delay wasn't because he'd maxed out my VISA card: he's really only supposed to use that for food shopping...
In the meantime, while we wait with bated breath to see what my Birthday Gifts are, here is the October page of your free 2017 Calendar...
Following Wilson's Pencil research yesterday, I have received a surprisingly large invoice for a 100-pack of Tombow Mono 100 pencils.
Now, in spite of us only having just returned from our holiday in Weston-super-Mare, he is lobbying to go on holiday to the Lake District, so that he can visit the Pencil Museum there.
Additionally, a new series of Star Trek started last Monday, and W is also mounting a campaign to subscribe to Netflix so he can watch it.
I love Star Trek as much as anyone, but what with the expense of our last holiday and the costly pencils – not to mention Xmas – I simply don't think we can afford it.
In other news, Wilson was a bit put out that he was away for International Talk Like A Pirate Day – he said he tried Talking Like A Pirate at the Zoo, but nobody understood what he was saying...
Now that things are approaching what passes here for Normality, Wilson has settled down to do some research on Pencils, before starting work on designing his Ant Identifying Pencil.
Pencils, he tells me, are WAY more interesting than you might think – for example, did you know that Napoleon was responsible for the modern pencil?
Or that, before rubber erasers, people used to rub out their mistakes with bread?
Or that the Japanese make today's most sought-after and expensive pencil, the Tombow Mono 100?
I will freely admit that, while I didn't know most of these things, my life does not feel greatly enriched by having acquired this knowledge...
Following his visit to his family, Wilson has now sorted some things out in his head.
As he proudly hung the portrait of his Great Great […] Grandfather, Alberto Victor Gutiérrez-López (who grew up to be the legendary Blue Baron in the Great Ant Wars of 1921) he explained to me:
1) he will continue to call his biological grandmother (ie Mrs Vermilingua) Mum;
2) he will continue to call his biological mother (ie Andrea) Andrea;
3) he will continue to refer to – and think of – his biological uncle (ie Kenneth Byron Eustace Vermilingua) as his half-brother, and continue to call him Biro!; and finally
4) he will continue to refer to me as his New Dad.
In another piece of news, Andrea has revealed the TRUE date of Wilson's birthday. However, he's quite keen to keep his 'official' birthday going too.
TWO birthdays a year? I've told him I'll think about it...
I've just collected Wilson from the Zoo.
I was pleased to see that he seemed much happier than before, and his Sister/Mother (I don't yet know how to refer to her) Andrea came out to see him off.
They hugged and nuzzled, and there were a few tears, before W turned businesslike, climbed into the Juke and said, 'Okay, New Dad – I'm back! Next stop: Uckfield! Warp Factor Two – Engage!'
I'm looking forward to hearing what happened during his visit with his family, and I hope he got his relationships sorted out in his head...
I was just sitting here thinking how quiet, tranquil, frankly boring life is when Wilson's away... when my phone Pinged with a WhatsApp from the lad himself!
I'm to collect him from the Zoo tomorrow – I wonder how he got on with his family, furnished as he is with all his new awareness and self-knowledge?
