As midnight draws (fairly) near and Tiny Toy snores gently (he's usually in bed by 5 pm) everyone has gathered in the dining room to wish you all a Very Happy New Year!
I know that Wilson — although he hasn't made any New Year's Resolutions per se — has many plans which he hopes to bring to fruition next year.
I don't know what they are, so all I can do is await them with trepidation, and fear the worst!
Just as Uncle Zoltan was preparing to give a long and tedious toast about the turning of the year, Billi the Bee, rebellious as ever, suddenly interrupted, shouting: '2017 — could you just try to be a bit less crap than 2016?'
At first Uncle Z was flustered and quite annoyed, but after a moment's thought he repeated Billi's toast, and everyone clapped!
So, here's hoping YOUR 2017 will be happy, peaceful, healthy and a bit less crap than 2016 — CHEERS! 🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷
Despite the bitter cold, Wilson wrapped up and ventured into the garden this morning to have a word with the sTone Brothers about New Year's Eve, and came across Mole the Mole, who asked if it would be possible for W to turn the heating up a little.
Wilson immediately invited him indoors for the winter — who knows, perhaps he'll be able to help us out with our Xmas Cake Glut...
In other news, a fragment of information from Neil the Sloth: he has told us he used to live in the Gift Shop at the IoW Zoo.
Wilson is himself a member of the Great Sloth Dynasty, but even he is growing wearied of the time it takes to gain any information from Neil...
Much of Boxing Day was spent with Wilson and the older children playing The Chase.
Diesel the Goldfish was allowed to take part, but before he's thought of the answer he's forgotten the question, so he's at a bit of a disadvantage.
The furry little brown guy sitting on the floor with Antony is Neil the Sloth — more about him as we find it out.
He was a gift to Wilson from Dennis the Giant Anteater on the Isle of Wight, but he does everything s-o-o-o-o s-l-o-w-l-y that it's taken us two days even to learn his name...
For Xmas Wilson gave me a pair of personalised number plates (which I'll show you later) and a gift-wrapped box of plastic forks, coffee stirrers, sachets of sugar and ketchup, half-size pencils, napkins, paper tape measures and tiny ball-point pens. He said that if I didn't want to use them, at least I had the basis of an excellent collection!
I gave Wilson some toys, The Chase board game and a 'Beach Hut' Kit for the garden — I thought he might like to paint it to look like a TARDIS so he can play Dr Who with his friends.
During the Queen's Speech, Wilson and the boys played Twister, with the smaller children playing a parallel game on a Finger Twister board!
Wilson was very excited to get a good ant joke in his cracker: 'How do you tell the sex of an ant? Drop it in water — if it sinks it's a girl ant; if it floats it's bouyant'!
W also received an unexpected gift from Dennis the Giant Anteater on the Isle of Wight — more about this later...
Wilson and his whole family (with the possible exception of Uncle Zoltan) are in a state of maximum excitement as the final, final preparations are made for Xmas — I don't think anyone will be getting much sleep tonight!
Actually, TT and Johnson Minor have already had a brief spell in the Brown Paper Bag Of Serenity®™[pat pending] to calm them down.
We wish you ALL a V Brilliant and fANTastic Xmas, especially newly-wed Mrs Julia Edwards and Mr Matthew Edwards, from Wilson, Polly and Billi the Bees, Antony, Tiny Toy, Johnson Maj and Johnson Mi, Dave the Pig, the sTone Brothers, Diesel the Goldfish, the Easter Island Heads, the Mole living in the garden, me, and anyone else I've forgotten!
I expect I'll be too busy assembling and playing with (and probably repairing) Wilson's new toys to blog for a couple of days, but I'll tell you all about our Xmas as soon as I can.
Wilson, however (even more addicted to Social Media than me) will probably continue to Tweet about what's going on — check him out and chat with him at: @WVermilingua on Twitter!
Wilson's speech was received very well — I hope he won't be offended if I say surprisingly well.
Before the applause had died down he snatched up his guitar and started singing a song he'd written for the wedding, called Wedding Bee Blues, because it's based on a similar song he wrote when the Bees got married:
'Woke up this morning
Climbed out of my bed,
Well, I woke up this morning
Climbed out of my soft, warm bed,
Then I suddenly remembered:
Ms Julia's gettin' wed!'
... and so on, for several more verses.
His claws kept getting stuck in the strings during the chord changes, but overall it sounded pretty good, all things considered, and he's almost mastered the Bob Dylan voice. Dylan: the Late Years 'helium' version, that is…
As his song ended, and just as he was about to segue into Disco Hits From the Eighties on his spoons and kazoo, I whispered into his ear, 'Why not leave them wanting more?'
Removing the kazoo from his mouth he replied, 'I've got you, New Dad; I'll do this later — when everyone's dancing and had a bit more to drink!'
Finally, before the toasts began, Wilson passed among the bemused guests handing out flyers advertising his 'Surprisingly Inexpensive' Speech Writing Service...
Wilson was quite surprised to discover that he was not the only Best Man! There were a couple of other 'Groomsmen' as they were officially called, which is apparently an American Tradition.
W took the news quite well because, if anything, it should ease the pressure on him.
After posing for the group photos he decided that his Wedding Shoes were entirely unsuitable as wet weather wear, saying that when the wedding was over he'd dry them out and take them back to the shop and try to exchange them for Wellington Boots.
During the drive to the Marriot Hotel for the Reception, I could see his lips moving as he ran through his Best Man's speech in his head — he's quite apprehensive about delivering it, but I'm sure it will be just fine.
Although I've no idea what's in it — I hope there's nothing too risqué...
There'll be more news and pictures from the Wedding Of The Year on Friday — don't miss it!
We've just set off for Ms Julia's Wedding!
Wilson, assuming that our car will be what he calls the Wedding Carriage, has decorated it with messages, and a white ribbon at the front.
We'd got as far as Gatwick before my nerves snapped: stopping the car I stepped outside and cut the strings trailing the tin cans from the rear bumper.
Thereafter W passed the time rehearsing the Wedding Song he's written for tomorrow — he can't manage the guitar in the passenger seat so he's making do with his spoons and kazoo.
I don't mean to be critical, but after a while I began to think I preferred the sounds of the tin cans dragging behind us.
There won't be any post tomorrow due to the wedding — but I hope we'll be back Wednesday, perhaps with some of the wedding photos!
I took Wilson shopping yesterday, to take his mind off the upcoming wedding, as he's becoming a tiny bit nervous about discharging his Best Man duties successfully.
While we were out he noticed that a lot of the shops and stores we visited give away free stuff — plastic forks, coffee stirrers, sachets of sugar and ketchup, half-size pencils, napkins, paper tape measures, tiny ball-point pens and so on — and he's started collecting them.
Kids and their collections, eh? Still, it's keeping him happy.
Before I forget, here as promised are the FREE DECORATIONS Wilson has designed for you.
He says you should cut them out carefully then fold them in half before gluing them closed and hanging them on your Xmas Tree.
Wilson warns that you should enlist the help of a grown-up while you're using the scissors and the glue, as he has had nasty fur-related accidents with both in the past...
With the help of all the children, Wilson is decorating the Xmas Tree.
If you look closely, you might just make out the special Baubles W is using: he has told me that he'll will be giving away some of those — and some other 'special' decorations — tomorrow.
Don't miss out on getting them as they will add 'Magic, beauty and a certain Je Ne Sais Quoi to your tree!'
I must stress those are W's words, not mine, so I hope you won't be disappointed.
Wilson is hoping that, what with his new furstyle, he might 'get off' with one of the bridesmaids — he say that it's a 'Well-known wedding tradition.'
I really must have a word with him about Appropriate and Decorous Behaviour at Ms Julia's wedding on Monday...
Yesterday Wilson made a foray into the loft to find the Xmas Decorations.
He doesn't like it up there as it's dark, cobwebby and a tiny bit spooky, but he bravely persisted until the living room floor was ankle deep in tinsel, fairy lights and glass baubles.
As Xmas draws ever nearer, Wilson would like to wish all his readers and listeners a...
Noël très heureux
Zeer Gelukkige Kerstmis
Sehr glückliches Weihnachten
Πολύ ευτυχή Χριστούγεννα
Natale molto felice
非常に楽しいクリスマス
Natal muito feliz
Очень счастливое Кристмас
Navidad muy feliz
... which he REALLY HOPES means "Very Happy Xmas" rather than something rude! There is a measure of doubt because Uncle Zoltan provided the translations. 😕
This morning I took Wilson to Ali's Fantastic Barber Shop in the High Street for a trim before the wedding.
He was very impressed by the cool wallpaper, but then he caught sight of the wash basins and I had to reassure him that having his fur washed was optional.
While we waited for W's turn, I tried to interest him in starting up a Newspaper of some kind to occupy him now his Radio Station has closed.
He dismissed this, saying that Print Media Are Dead and quoting Marshall McLuhan to me:
'We shape our tools and afterwards our tools shape us,' he intoned sternly, and 'All media exist to invest our lives with artificial perceptions and arbitrary values.'
I think this might be a bit too deep for me, but I do get the point — he's not going to start a newspaper.
Better cancel that John Bull Printing Set I'd ordered for him for Xmas.
Whatever, once his fur had been trimmed he couldn't take his eyes off his reflection, saying that his new 'do' made him look 'Dangerous, but cuddly!' which is apparently 'Wicked!'
Wilson has decided, with great sadness, that he will have to close Wonderful Radio W.
He says it was much more all-consuming than he'd expected, and it didn't leave him any time to pursue his other interests. Or to sleep. Moreover, with Ms Julia's Wedding now only eight days away, Radio W is simply no longer viable.
It's a shame, as he's put a lot of work into Radio W — but I shall be happy to get the dining room back in time for Xmas!
He is planning a final broadcast, called His Final Hour which rather puts me in mind of the very sad day when Pirate Station Radio London finally ceased transmission following the Marine, &c., Broadcasting (Offences) Act 1967 ...
At present, Polly and Billi are Guest DJ-ing, while Wilson sits in the living room contemplating his lost media empire and Antony attempts to console him.
That's a big ask for a small stuffed toy, but he IS Wilson's dearest friend and closest confidant so he just might be up to the task...
To ease the pain for his loyal listeners, W has told me that he will soon be sending out some special Xmas Gifts!
_____
Please don't say anything to Wilson, but I'm taking him into the village tomorrow to have his fur trimmed in time for the wedding — that should take his mind off his troubles, as he's never been to a barbers before!
Wilson mentioned to me that running a 24/7 Live Radio Station takes up a lot more of his time than he'd expected, and that he may have to start recording programmes in advance, or even letting the older children run the station sometimes to give him a break.
I sympathised, then reminded him that it's only nine days until Ms Julia's wedding... and he went into Panic Mode. I hope he's got all his Best Man duties under control!
Not a word to Wilson, but I've sent Dave the Pig into the Studio on a Secret Mission: to covertly retrieve the New Scientist Metaphysics Special Edition and bring it to me, so I can hide it from W.
I don't like doing this, but it's the only way I can think of to avert another of Wilson's Existential Crises...
Wilson has started advertising his Speech Writing service Wedding Etc Speeches R Us on Radio W.
I must say, they sound brilliant — though he hasn't read out any actual samples, just described how witty, funny and generally entertaining the speeches are once you've bought one. Judging by how long he took writing his Best Man speech, I'd guess they're pretty brief, too!
Today marks the debut of his new religious slot on Radio W: The Hour Of Prayer — a Pastafarian programme of Prayers and Pasta. According to his American friends, religious shows can generate a LOT of income!
Wilson just sits in front of the microphone, wearing his official Pastafarian Hat of Office (a colander), and talks to his listeners about the Flying Spaghetti Monster. His monologues consist almost exclusively of him reading out pasta-with-ants recipes, and occasionally declaiming (in a revivalist-preacher sort of voice) 'I have been touched by his Noodly Appendage!'
I'd be surprised if he can really keep this up for a whole hour...
In other news, today's Chase Question is:
'Does God Exist?
A: Yes;
B: No;
C: It depends what you mean by "exist".'
I'm not sure this is a suitable question for a popular afternoon quiz show, and religion can be quite a contentious issue — but what do I know?
Wilson has decided that Wonderful Radio W is an ideal place to try out his multiple-choice questions before he submits them to The Chase — 'ideal' because his audience is probably a lot brighter than I am.
He's going to read out one question every day, and listeners can phone in with the answers.
Today's question is: 'How do you know you exist?
A: It's obvious — you think, therefore you are. What a stupid question;
B: You don't exist, you are in simulation — a computer game, probably a lot like 'Lemmings';
C: You can probably never know.
I think I know how far he's got in the New Scientist 'Metaphysics Special Edition' — I hope these deep questions don't trouble him so much that they spoil his Xmas.
On the plus side, though, there's been no sign of him recording his cover version of Slade's Happy Xmas Everybody...
During last night's 9.30 'Late, Late, LATE' show Wilson re-decorated his studio, with fresh posters and his brand new 'Station Ident.'
Then, while leaving a Peter Dawson LP playing he ran out to his 'Museum' and retrieved the Beatles and Adam Ant Tribute CDs he'd recorded a couple of years ago; these, he explained, are destined for Extra-Heavy Rotation.
He says that between playing records in the Graveyard Shift he has written his Best Man's Speech for Ms Julia's wedding, and it was much easier than he'd expected.
So easy, in fact, that he's starting a speech-writing service for Best Men, Bride's Fathers, Football Managers etc. Not Secretaries of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs of the United Kingdom, though — he doesn't want to get into any trouble and he's seen where an ill-considered word can lead...
Following a good night's sleep, Wilson is back at the mic and fresher than ever.
He confided to me that while he was sleeping, the Flying Spaghetti Monster spoke to him in a dream, telling him to record a cover version of Slade's Merry Xmas Everybody.
I will admit my heart sank a little bit at the prospect of the constant screech of, 'It's Chriiiiiiiiisss Massssss' — but the FSM assured W that the Performing Rights Society payments would bestow a comfortable future upon him, just as it had upon Mr N Holder.
Allegedly.
Antony has at last reappeared — he says he couldn't find Wilson's Good Ideas Notebook so he walked all the way into the village to buy him a new one at the Post Office.
That is devotion!
Wilson is exhausted what with running Radio W non-stop for over a week then putting up the Xmas Lights yesterday, and last night — during the 9pm 'Late, Late Show' — he dozed off at the mic.
I carried him gently to the Tumble Dryer to catch up on his sleep.
He roused himself briefly to tell me that the answer to yesterday's Chase question is 'The M26 is the shortest, at only 15.9km,' then he relapsed into a deep, deep sleep.
I don't think he'll be in any fit state to set Chase questions or play records until tomorrow at the earliest...
The start of December is the time when Wilson puts up our outdoor Xmas lights.
Rather against his better judgement, he has left The Bees and Uncle Zoltan running the Afternoon Show on Wonderful Radio W, having given strict instructions to Uncle Z NOT to play ANY Hungarian folk music.
From the top of the ladder, apropos nothing at all, Wilson suddenly shouted down to ask another of his potential Chase questions:
'New Dad — which of these Motorways is the shortest?
A: M25
B: M26
C: M27'
Trying to sound confident, I called back to him, 'C — the M27!'
On hearing this W smirked and almost dropped his screwdriver, so I imagine I've got this one wrong too. It was only a shot in the dark, as they all seem infinitely long when you're stuck in traffic on them.
As soon as the lights were to W's satisfaction (and you might be surprised by how long that took to achieve) we went indoors to warm up with a mince pie and a mug of hot chocolate with brandy and marshmallows.
Oh, and ants. Obviously.
