Wilson stayed up late last night to watch the Celebrity Big Brother Final.
The outcome was not altogether satisfactory — I had been supporting Darren Day, since he seemed like a thoroughly good person, while W had been behind Stephanie, because she reminded him of a younger version of his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua: Fickle, Needy and Polyamorous. Especially Polyamorous.
But in spite of his late night he was up bright and early this morning, and I found him in the garden carrying around the parts of an enormous (and VERY expensive-looking) telescope. So that's what was in yesterday's mysterious parcel!
Before he dropped any of it, I asked whether he'd like some help setting it up.
He replied that he didn't think I'd be up to it because it was, as he explained, 'Very technical, and harder to assemble than an IKEA chest of drawers,' but if I wasn't doing anything else perhaps I could help with some of the heavy lifting.
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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Be Nice to a Newt!
Early this morning the postman staggered up the drive carrying an ENORMOUS parcel. Addressed to Wilson, obviously!
W was tight-lipped about what was inside, saying that I would probably love it, but I'd have to wait and see what it was.
Accordingly, once I'd helped him carry it into the dining room, he shooed me away so he could open it in (relative) privacy.
I suppose I could check my VISA statement on-line to see what the package contains, but I expect I'll find out soon enough.
The box didn't have any air holes, so it's probably not live ants, which is something!
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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Adore an Axolotl... or an Aardvark
Wilson's research into the source of Faux Fur is being disturbed by The Bees who, following their brilliant launch of FURbruary, are insisting that they should have their own month.
They want to call it BEEcember.
Wilson has told them that a Bee Month would be 'Entirely inappropriate,' and in any case, as they're perfectly well aware, there is already a Bee Day in August.
The Bees were quite cross about his attitude so he (wisely, I think) refrained from making any jokes about Bidets.
'Whatever next?' he grumbled (once the Bees were safely out of earshot). 'Goldfish Day? Adopted Ladybirds Day? Talking Stones Day?'
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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Tickle a Tarantula!
Today's planned post was predicated upon a misunderstanding — Wilson had intended to rail against the evils of Faux Fur... believing that it was cruelly obtained from a very cute animal called a 'Faux'.
Now he's doing some research to see whether or not I'm right in my assertion that it means 'False' and is a just another term for Fun Fur.
'There's nothing Fun about Fur, New Dad!' he exclaimed righteously when I first tried to explain, but I think he's starting to think I might be right about this.
Lest you think that the dining room is filled with apparently naked supermodels, I should explain that this is just a poster Wilson has stuck up on the wall for the duration of his Awareness Month.
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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Delight a Donkey!
First thing this morning, even before he'd had his breakfast, Wilson gathered Polly and Billi the Bees in the living room to thank them for their launch of FURbruary.
'You both did better than I'd expected!' he told them. 'MUCH better! In fact, tbh I didn't think you were up to it, but you have proved me wrong — I thank you!' He hugged them both.
I thought they took this very mixed endorsement pretty well, although Billi did bristle a bit at the 'I didn't think you were up to it' bit.
'By a happy coincidence,' he continued, 'today is Hedgehog Day, so I would urge and encourage everyone who can to Hug* A Hedgehog!'
To help you in your hedgehog-related celebrations, here is the Hedgehog Day website:
https://www.daysoftheyear.com/days/hedgehog-day/
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*Wilson Vermilingua wishes to point out that this is only a Hugging Suggestion and he cannot be held responsible for any hugging-related injuries.
THE BEES' BLOG
Hello, we are Polly and Billi the Bees, and this is our Guest Blog!
Today we'd like to welcome you to FURbruary, the Awareness Month that our friend Wilson has invented.
FURbruary is to encourage everyone to be nice to everyone else, though specially to persuade Humans be nice to Animals — not JUST furry ones, but ALL animals.
Being nice to animals doesn't just mean stroking them, it also means not killing them to eat them, not killing them because you enjoy killing things and not killing them with pesticides that are poisonous to bees!
Wilson has worked VERY hard on this project, so we'd all be immensely happy if you supported him in this great humanitarian venture!
We've been The Bees, and we'll see you next month — until then, Beeeeeeeee Kind to Animals!
Polly sat quietly with Wilson, calmly reassuring him until he was once again more-or-less his old self.
After half an hour or so, he announced that he'd better knuckle down to make some last-minute preparations for Furbruary — he's a bit apprehensive because it's The Bees' Blog tomorrow, and he hopes he can trust them to launch his awareness month properly. Not that he mentioned his concerns to Polly, of course.
Before he started, though, he told us both, 'I'd really rather this news about Killer Anteaters didn't go any further — I don't want my friends looking askance at me. I'm a lover, not a fighter.'
He thought for a moment, before adding, 'Or I would be. If I had a girlfriend...'
Polly, having heard Wilson's cries of distress, came in to see what was the matter, and between us we tried to calm him before he went into full melt-down mode.
Upon reading the story again, it became clear that both men were hunters, and Polly suggested that maybe the anteater had felt threatened. 'Also,' she added, 'this was a GIANT anteater, not a cuddly Tamandua like you!'
'But my friend Dennis is a Giant Anteater!' W countered anxiously.
I asked Polly to take Wilson into the living room and sit with him, saying I'd bring him in a nice cup of coffee.
'That will make you feel better!' I assured him.
'Can I have marshmallow and extra ants with it?' he called.
While surfing the internet in search of Gourmet Ant Recipes, Wilson was shocked to come across a News Site headline: 'GIANT ANTEATER KILLS TWO HUNTERS IN BRAZIL.'
I think what distressed him most was that he'd mis-read the headline and thought it said 'Giant Anteater Kills Two Hundred in Bristol!' I pointed out his mistake, and he said, 'Well that's something, I suppose — I've got friends in Bristol!'
Still, this marks a pretty disappointing start to Furbruary — that was meant to raise anteater and sloth awareness. In a positive way, not like this.
Furbruary is back on, under its original name but with improved inclusiveness.
When I say 'original' name, I mean Furbruary, of course — Wilson decided (rightly, I think) that BeNiceToEveryonebruary was just too unwieldy and unmemorable.
However, ALL sentient beings are now included.
Except slugs and snails, because W finds them just too slimy and generally creepy.
Apart from that, though, ALL mammals, birds, fish, insects and anything else he's forgotten are included.
Later W confided to me, 'I'd like to know where everyone got those little protest banners from! I could have had a nice little earner there if I'd noticed the gap in the market...'
Wilson has been taken aback by the amount of opposition to his plan to cancel February!
Some of it was just personal (eg 'My birthday is in February!' and 'What about leap-year?' etc) but I think what swung W's decision was that the rotating Black Hole he'd need to use to edit Space-Time would very likely end life on Earth as we know it. He'd thought he'd need nothing more than a calendar and a Biro!
So, now that he's regained his composure, he's agreed to leave February in place and just re-name it BeNiceToEveryoneruary instead of Furbruary — while lamenting that it doesn't have the same catchy ring to it!
He's also emailed the Astronomer Royal to ask him to leave February as it is. For the time being, at least...
Wilson returned to the kitchen to make himself a quad espresso and discovered Diesel with a protest banner sticking out of his bowl.
'Et tu, Diesel?' he exclaimed, clapping his paw to his head.
Uncle Zoltan chose this moment to walk in carrying a placard claiming that Furbruary was unfair to bald insects.
'This has got totes out of hand! Furbruary is off!' Wilson shouted, and stormed out of the room. Before slamming the door, he added, 'In fact, February is off too! We shall move directly from January to March!'
I went after him to try to calm him down, but I found him sitting at his laptop banging at the keys.
'You're too late, New Dad,' he told me. 'I've had enough — I'm writing to the Astronomer Royal to inform him he'll have to modify the calendar for this year to exclude February!'
Wilson pondered long and hard on the vexed caterpillar/insect question.
It appears that even scientific opinion is divided on the matter, so he eventually concluded that furry caterpillars — even the poisonous ones — should be included in his Furbruary project.
Following W's meeting with The Bees yesterday, a spirit of dissent seems to be spreading throughout the household. When he went into the garden in search of Winter Ants, he came across a protest march in progress.
The sTone Brothers, fearing they will be excluded from Furbruary, are protesting that moss (which they have a-plenty) is a form of fur, thus qualifying them for inclusion!
Wilson then told me excitedly that he's he's even got someone handling Furbruary promotion in the USA!
I checked with him it wasn't someone called Trump, and he burst out laughing.
'What sort of mad person would be called Trump?' he asked. 'Is he some poor person who can't afford to change his name?'
He wandered off into the dining room, still laughing, where he was cornered by The Bees, who wanted to know whether insects will be included in Furbruary?
'We are undeniably furry,' they pointed out to him, adding, 'We hope you're not going to be Mammalist about this!'
Wilson assured them that ALL furry insects would be included.
Once The Bees had left, though, he started to worry about Hairy Caterpillars — not only are some of them poisonous, he also can't work out whether or not they are really insects or only potential insects...
As Wilson finished his breakfast, he elaborated on his Good Idea at some length.
Furbruary will, he explained, be an Awareness Month for Furry Animals — mostly Anteaters and Sloths, but also including ALL furry animals. Even cats and dogs.
'Oh,' he added, 'and Elephants — elephants aren't really furry, but they're wise and adorable! And they're a bit hairy in parts.'
So that's it then. I imagine there will be a lot of signing of Animal Cruelty petitions taking place during Furbruary...
I persuaded Wilson to wait until I was properly awake before fully explaining his Good Idea to me, so over breakfast he finally laid out his plan.
'You know about Stoptober, don't you, New Dad?'
I nodded, checking with him, 'That's when people stop smoking, isn't it?'
'Yes,' he replied. 'Movember — the no-shaving month? And of course Dry January?'
'Of course!' I confirmed.
'Veguary?'
'Is that your idea?' I asked, 'Veguary? Does everyone just Veg Out until February? That sounds BRILLIANT!'
'No no no!' he exclaimed testily, 'Veguary is ALREADY a thing — it's when people turn vegetarian for a month! Although, your idea is quite appealing — I wish I'd thought of it! Anyway, my idea is FURBRUARY!'
Wilson was so upset that I let him sleep in my bed last night.
He sobbed himself to sleep, and as I drifted off I resolved to phone the vet in the morning to enquire about grief counselling for him.
Suddenly at around 2 am I felt something poking into my ear — it was the tip of W's snout as he whispered loudly, 'New Dad! Are you awake, New Dad?'
Rousing myself to full wakefulness, I replied, 'What? What's the matter? Are you alright?'
'I didn't wake you, did I?' he asked. 'Well never mind, because I've just had a good idea!'
On past experience, a 'Brilliant' idea is a plan that might (but sadly, won't) make him rich and famous, while a 'Good' idea is some labour-saving wheeze or plan for the general good of mankind...
Wilson spent much of yesterday evening and this morning staring morosely out of the window at the puddle which is all that now remains of his snowman.
Occasionally he'll say, 'I loved that little guy...' and sigh.
Honestly, I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd hung a black crepe bow at the front door and covered the mirrors. Or at least started wearing a black arm-band.
The Bees are being very supportive to W at this difficult time, constantly plying him with hot chocolate and ant cookies, and telling him that they're 'sorry for his loss', but because of his resemblance to an undertaker, I've asked Uncle Z to remain outside.
Wilson had to work fast to get even a tiny snowman built, as the snow was quickly melting all around him...
Wilson's recent disappointments — his failure to discover any new elements or to snag a Product Placement contract — were quickly forgotten today, when we awoke to see: SNOW!
Until very recently it's been unseasonably mild here, so no-one was expecting this. It's still just above zero, so W ran out into the garden to make the most of the snow before it all melted away.
The sTone Brothers kept him company, but Polly and Billi wouldn't allow the children out in the cold air...
