GUERILLA PUBLICITY

Wilson was quite impressed by Nërpsy's recent work as a graffiti artist.

 

He has now commissioned him to do some advance publicity for World Anteater Day, it now being barely a week away.

 

Nërp has taken his niece Jīqìrén along 'For support', but I suspect he wants her to keep a lookout for the authorities while he's at work…

 

Back at home, where Soup Sales remain 'A bit slower than expected' Wilson is drumming up custom by belting out Food Glorious Food on his kazoo and spoons.

 

I hope he's not using the same spoons to serve up his soup… 

 

 

SOUPMOBILE

Wilson's SoupMobile has been hired and delivered and is now parked up on the front drive.

Unfortunately (aka luckily for me!) I am not insured to drive the van, so the service is perforce by collection only, which rather limits our customer base...

Wilson's original pitch was Hot Soup Delivered To Your Door, but as it's worked out the hot soup is at OUR door, and customers have to collect it themselves.

While Wilson prepares to dispense hot soup, Byron is pretending to drive the wagon – and is in charge of operating the chimes!

One or two of the neighbours, attracted by the constant, cacophonous sound of the chimes, have dropped by to complain about the noise, but Wilson has deftly converted them into customers.

Nërp has tried to sell them Nërpsy Souvenir Mugs, but so far without great success…

Business will probably improve once the weather gets a bit colder! 

 

SOUP DELIVERY

Wilson has now hired an ice-cream van for the out-of-season period so he can start a Hot Soup Delivery Service.

 

On the face of it, this seems like an excellent idea – but past experience has taught me that it will end up losing money rather than making Wilson rich.

 

I don't yet know what will go wrong, so I'll just wait and see…

 

I'm puzzled as to why Uncle Zoltan is involved in this, unless he's hoping to make a lot of 'Waiter, there's a fly in my soup' jokes!

 

Anyway, the soup arrived this morning, in massive drums. 

 

For some reason, I had expected it to arrive in individual tins, but apparently it's much cheaper when you buy it in 50-gallon drums.

 

There's no maker's name on the containers, but I'm sure* it's all legit!

—

*Really hoping 

 

 

WORLD ANTEATER DAY FREEBIES!

Actually, THREE free badges – Wilson is on Generosity Overload!
 
These badges are to help you celebrate World Anteater Day – a big event in Wilson's life ever since he first heard about it last year…
 
The usual warnings apply about getting a grown-up to help you with the cutting-out, not getting glue on your fur, in your mouth or up your nose etc.
 
I will admit I don't see the connection between the Eat More Soup badge and World Anteater Day – perhaps soup is a traditional celebratory meal for the Big Day… 

HOT SOUP TO YOUR DOOR

While Wilson was taking out the recycling, he thought he heard the distant chimes of an ice-cream van.

It was probably his imagination, but it's left him wondering where all the Ice Cream vans go in the winter.

 

He asked me whether they hibernated, but I said they were probably parked-up in a compound somewhere waiting for warmer weather.

 

Now he is leafing through an old copy of Exchange & Mart, investigating the cost of hiring an ice-cream van so he can drive it round the streets selling hot soup over the winter season.

 

When he says he can drive it round the streets I expect he means that I can drive it for him…

 

Humouring him, I asked what music he'd use for his chimes?

 

Without a moment's hesitation, he replied, 'The Soup Dragons, obviously!'

 

We were interrupted by Nërp bustling in to announce that he had sold one of his Nërpsy Souvenir Mugs.

 

'Richness and famousness are within my grasp!' he exclaimed, excitedly.

 

So, one down, 49 to go… 

 

 

🎶 I DON'T LIKE MONDAYS 🎶

Wilson is not a great lover of Mondays.

He says this is the worst Monday since last Monday…

 

NËRPSY MERCHANDISE

In the same way that Banksy sells souvenirs and prints, Nërp – or Nërpsy – has developed his own range of merchandise.

Well, I say range, but there's actually just a mug.

 

Nërp has priced these at £10 ($13.20 +p&p, €11.15 +p&p) each and, borrowing Wilson's phraseology, he says they 'Make well wicked Xmas Gifts!'

 

I wish Nërp had learned from Wilson's experience in selling MUG (Make Uckfield Great) mugs and ordered rather fewer units.

 

I'm guessing I shall be receiving at least one of these on the 25th…

 

 

NËRPSY STRIKES AGAIN

Nërp seems to be getting into his stride – several new murals have appeared recently.

 

I'd better have a word with him before the police get involved!

 

Surprisingly, Wilson has hinted that he might have a commission for Nërpsy in the near future.

 

I shudder to think…

—

Some of you have expressed an interest in Nërp's AI research – he's given me this link to share with you:

https://designtaxi.com/news/412082/GANksy-Is-An-AI-Robot-That-Can-Uncannily-Create-Banksy-Style-Artworks/ 

WILSON IS A BIT PUT OUT

I think Wilson was a tiny bit put out to find that Nërp is doing Graffiti Art and calling himself Nërpsy – a path pioneered by Wilson in his Antsy persona.

He's also upset that Nërp is quite good at it…

 

However, he's cheering himself up with the knowledge that World Anteater Day is only just over a fortnight away!

 

Obviously World Anteater Day is a big event in Wilson's calendar – at least, it is since he first found out about it last year! 

 

 

STAND ASIDE GANKSY

Here comes NËRPSY!

 

You may remember that Nërp chose not to accompany Wilson, Byron and me on our UnHoliday.

 

I will admit I had wondered how he'd been passing the time while we were away not really enjoying ourselves, and it turns out he had been researching Artificial Intelligent Art.

 

Apparently someone (Matt Round) has built a Robot capable of producing Graffiti Art in the style of Banksy – and Nërp is determined not to be left out of this latest Cultural Revolution.

 

Honestly, it was bad enough when Wilson styled himself Antsy and spray-painted everything in sight…

 

 

ARMISTICE DAY

You may hate the war, but never hate the ones that fight; 

for they do not choose when or where to fight; 

 

all they chose was to protect who they love and even the people they don't know.   

  

     
Millie

 

UNHOLIDAY: CHIP SHOP

When we arrived at the chip shop, which inevitably was closed for everything except home-delivered food, Wilson threw himself theatrically down onto the pavement and declared that he was too weak to stand. 

 

He said that unless he had something to eat immediately – preferably chips with curry sauce, oh and a gherkin too, please, and don't forget some napkins! – I would have to carry him back to the car and drive him home.

 

Byron and I tried to encourage him, but in vain – even after I'd promised him pizza and chips for dinner.

 

Maybe our Uckfield UnHoliday has run its course and we should head back home to, well, Uckfield…

 

I will confess that as holidays go, it's been less successful than I had hoped.

On the plus side, though, it's been the cheapest holiday ever!

 

 

UNHOLIDAY: THE CINEMA

A family trip to the cinema usually costs a fortune, what with the tickets, drinks, popcorn, ice creams and souvenir merchandise, but this time it was gratifyingly inexpensive.

We stood in the pouring rain outside The Picture House, opened in 1916, and read posters extolling the films we could have seen were the town not in lockdown.

 

Perhaps I should admit to myself that this UnHoliday is less of a success than I'd initially hoped.

 

Even I am finding it quite difficult to be enthusiastic about walking past a load of shops I'm already very familiar with – and we can't even enter any of them.

 

I can't remember a holiday when no-one has had so much as an ice lolly [popsicle] ☹️

 

 

ELECTION RESULTS

We have suspended our UnHoliday for a day – partly because Wilson was getting bored traipsing past a succession of closed shops and cafés, but mostly so that he and Byron could watch the celebrations following the result of the US Elections.

All of the more politically-aware children assembled and watched the news channels for most of the day, changing channels only when 'That scary Mr Trump came on' and started shouting, when everyone immediately scrambled for the Remote.

 

Wilson said that perhaps he could finally relax after four years of existential angst, and Byron said that this was America's chance to heal itself.

 

Uncle Zoltan agreed, adding, 'As long as those Trumpists don't start another Civil War!'

 

In other good news, today is Rupert The Bear's 100th Birthday! Happy Birthday Rupert!

 

Telegram from HM the Queen?

 

 

Ant Wars 2: UNHOLIDAY: POST OFFICE

Next we reached what used to be, before the collapse of High Street shopping, the Post Office.

 

While Byron pretended to admire the nondescript inter-war-years architecture, Wilson asked, 'Do you think we should send a Holiday Postcard to our Mum?

We could put:

❝Dear Mrs V

We're having a lovely time on our holiday in Uckfield, where we live anyway.

So far we've visited the Car Park, a haunted house and an Undertaker's – although no-one is dead…yet.

All the shops are closed.

Tomorrow we might go to the Cinema, although it's closed too, due to lockdown.

I hope you are well and washing your paws a lot.

From your loving sons,

Wilson and Byron.❞

 

UNHOLIDAY DAY 4: A VISIT TO THE UNDERTAKER

The next 'Attraction' we came upon was the Undertakers' [Morticians'] Shop.

Such are the morbid interests of young boys that they both pressed their noses against the glass, hoping to catch a glimpse of some dead bodies, or at least some coffins.

 

I am happy to say they were disappointed in this endeavour.

 

I was quite relieved to get away as I was still a bit unnerved by the allegedly 'haunted' house we'd recently passed, not to mention the candlelit ghost stories on Hallowe'en night…

 

 

UNHOLIDAY: A MYSTERIOUS BUILDING

In the normal course of events today, November 5, would be Fireworks- or Guy Fawks-Night, but sadly these are not normal times.

So not-normal are they that today is, in fact, Day 1 of Lockdown 2.

 

All thoughts of fireworks have therefore been banished from our minds, but we continue to explore our 'holiday destination' of Uckfield – Jewel Of The Weald!

 

Making our way from the car park to the High Street we came upon a mysterious building.

 

None of us had ever noticed it before, probably because it was so nondescript as to be almost invisible!

Wilson examined it warily and from a safe distance, before announcing that he could see a 'well spooky face' peering out of one of the windows! 

 

Consequently, he declared that the building was 'almost certainly' haunted and we should leave immediately. 

 

Nervously, we hurried on towards Uckfield's Retail Centre and the reassurance of other, living souls…

 

 

UNHOLIDAY: CAR PARK

The rain has now stopped and we've been able to leave our 'hotel', so this is effectively the first day of our Unholiday!

We've driven round to the car park so we can explore our 'Holiday Destination' – the quaint East Sussex village of Uckfield – and discover what many delights it has to offer.

In even the prettiest and exotic of holiday destinations, the car park is rarely anything to get excited about, but Byron has entered into the spirit of things by looking round, reading the Parking Regulations sign and admiring the antennas on the roof of the nearby Police Station with an expression of feigned interest.

Wilson is finding it a bit more difficult to suspend his disbelief and enter into this make-believe world, but I'm not giving up on him yet – I'm determined to make this 'holiday' a success…

 

UNHOLIDAY: DAY 1

Today is the first day of our UNHoliday, and it is too wet to leave the 'hotel' – but I suppose that's what happens if you choose to holiday in November, 'the most disagreeable month in the whole year'…

 

Wilson rose for breakfast in the 'Dining Room' (breakfast served 07h00 – 09h30) then retired to the 'Bar' (living room) where he drank cocktails and made use of the Free Wi-Fi until lunchtime.

 

Nërp has decided not to participate in the UnHoliday as he says his Suspension Of Disbelief module was not installed and he thinks he'd have problems pretending that Uckfield is an unfamiliar but interesting holiday destination when it truth he knows it is neither.

 

I'm sure it's not just Nërp – I think most robots would have a bit of a problem playing Let's Pretend!

 

Byron, however, is up for giving it his best shot.

 

Given that there's no real alternative, I still think this is a good idea for a lockdown holiday – if you try it yourself in your own town, let us know how it goes!

 

LOCKDOWN HOLIDAY SUGGESTION

Wilson, Byron and Nërp have been doing little but play Hungry, Hungry Hippos recently, so it's little wonder they're bored.

Wilson confronted me today, saying that if he didn't have a holiday soon he wouldn't be responsible for his actions.

 

By this time of year, we would normally have had about three holidays, but so far we've had none.

 

I can well sympathise with his feelings, but the whole of the UK is in various different states of lockdown with many restrictions on movement, so a real holiday is sadly out of the question.

 

However, I've had an idea – I don't know whether it will help, but I'll put it to him anyway.

 

'How would it be', I asked, 'if we went to the lovely village of Uckfield for a few days?'

 

'Uckfield?' he replied, 'That's where we live! Are you starting to lose it, New Dad?'

 

'Hear me out,' I continued, 'what if we pretend our house is a hotel, and we pretend we haven't been living here for years? We could go into town and look at it with "new eyes", seeing it as though for the first time. What do you think – should we give it a try?'

 

I sensed that he was deeply unimpressed, but he shrugged and said it couldn't be much worse than being stuck indoors all day playing Hungry Hippos…

 

Even after the new government regulations come into force on Thursday we'll be able to exercise as a Family Group, so legally we'll be in the clear – why not join us on our virtual tour of the little East Sussex village of Uckfield?