FAMILY MEETING

Wilson has called everyone to his library for a Family Meeting to discuss Andrew's offer to provide Environmental Atmospheric Services for the artificial beach.

 

He kicked off the discussion by reading out the list of services Andrew had promised to supply; when he reached the bit about 'attacking small animals' several of the smaller toys visibly blanched, and TT and Pterry both burst into tears.

 

He then held aloft a printed metal sign reading, 'Do not feed the seagulls' which went on to list some of their many faults. 

 

'No offence intended, Uncle Z, but it would be like living with a 2½kg hornet with kleptomania and anger control issues!'

 

'None taken, dear boy,' Uncle Z replied, preening himself.

 

After a few minutes of lively discussion – notable mostly for Diesel laboriously trying to ask whether seagulls ate fish (Nërp was able to confirm that fish was in fact the gull's food of choice) – a vote was taken.

 

After the count the verdict was declared to be Unanimous – although there was some concern that all the insects had voted six times each, by raising all their legs in the air…

 

Polly then made a statement to the effect that she did feel some sympathy for Andrew, suggesting that perhaps a Packed Lunch could be prepared for him before he left.

 

ANDREW MAKES A DEAL

Wilson was sitting in the garden quietly enjoying the last of the sun and trying to contact his Inner Spirit Anteater, when he was rudely interrupted by the arrival of Andrew, the troublesome seagull.

Addressing Wilson, he asked, 'Wotcher mate – alright? Look, I know we've had our differences in the past, but I've got a proposition for you!'

 

Before Wilson could reply, he continued, 'You've got a good thing going here with your artificial sea shore and your little beach hut – I can see it must be a nice little earner for you – but there's something missing! Do you know what it is? I'll tell you: AMBIENCE! You've got a serious ambience shortfall… and that's where I come in!'

 

While Andrew paused for breath, Wilson managed to ask, 'Ambience Shortfall? What are you talking about?'

 

The gull immediately replied, 'Well, your seaside sound effects are all right, as far as they go, I suppose, but what does everybody remember about a day at the beach?'

 

Without waiting for a reply, he continued, 'Seagulls! The quintessential seaside experience depends on seagulls! For a trivial consideration I, Andrew the Seagull, will provide a Total Seaside Ambience including (but not limited to):

• flying around, including wheeling, swooping and hovering

• screeching

• stealing chips

• stealing ice-creams

• liberal guano distribution

• littering

and last but not least

• attacking small animals

Whaddya say? You can't refuse, can you?'

 

Wilson asked the bird what fee he would require for providing this service, and Andrew replied, 'You let me live in the beach hut, and you feed me – it's a snip, no? I'm no trouble – you can't afford to say no!'

 

Wilson told him he'd think about it, but he'd need to discuss the matter with the rest of the family before he could reach a decision…

 

 

Ant Wars 2: GUIDE TO INNER GROWTH

Here is the first chapter of my new book, Contacting Your Spirit Anteater, free of charge for my closest friends:

❝Close your eyes* and Centre yourself… take a deep Anteater breath, breathe into your heart… feel your heart expand, and breathe out of your Third Eye…

Feel a Ball of Light moving through your Third Eye…

Surround yourself with a Ball of Pure White Light, sparkling like diamond ants, connecting you to the Anteater Frequency… you are now attuned to the Anteater Realm…

You may sense, feel, imagine or even know your anteater is standing in front of you – reach out and touch it! Tickle it behind its ears, it will like that… ask it its name, it may answer you telepathically… rest peacefully with your anteater, feeling and absorbing its love and friendship…

Open your eyes and know that – whether you sensed it or not – your Spirit Anteater is now with you…

Now open your eyes.❞

—
* Closing your eyes does make reading the book more difficult – maybe you could get someone to help by reading it to you.
If the book sells well I might bring out an audio version on cassette – do people still use cassettes?
 

 

CONTACT YOUR SPIRIT ANTEATER

Yesterday Wilson was watching some daytime tv and saw an item about a woman who had written several books about 'Contacting Your Inner Angel'.

Perhaps because her sales have slumped – or maybe she was just curious about the gullibility of her readers – she has now written a book about Contacting Your Spirit Unicorn.

 

Wilson immediately ran to his study and has now started work on his new book, working title: 'Contact Your Spirit Anteater'.

 

He is consulting with Literary Agent Antony and Publicist TT, (and assisted by Pterry who still can't be left alone without bursting into tears – which is apparently not at all conducive to writing a Major Spiritual Handbook).

 

As Wilson pointed out to Antony, 'In the words of the Great P T Barnum, "No man ever went broke overestimating the ignorance of the public!"!'

 

Oh dear – I hope we don't get any complaints from Angel enthusiasts… or Unicorns!

 

 

ANDREW RETURNS

During breakfast, we heard a disturbance in the garden.

Wilson went out to investigate, and found Andrew the Seagull perched on top of the beach hut. 

 

As soon as he saw Wilson, he shouted down, 'This is a nice gaff – what about me moving in?'

 

'Oh,' W replied, playing for time, 'How are you Andrew? How was the Sewage Farm?'

 

'Rubbish!' the bird replied, 'Complete lack of fish heads. I should have stayed in Weston – coming here was a total waste of Air Miles!'

 

Thinking quickly, Wilson called back, 'Today is Dustbin Collection Day, so why don't you fly around and see what you can find – follow the Bin Truck for a bit – there's "Pickins for All!" as they say in Weston…' 

 

 

TT's XMAS COMEDY SHOW

After seven months in lockdown, everyone is getting restless.

The air of ennui and resignation has been replaced with an atmosphere of rebellion – perhaps even of mutiny – ever since the Xmas Demonstration on August Bank Holiday!

 

Wilson noticed it too, and has had a word with Antony, who in turn has spoken to Tiny Toy, and it's been agreed that TT should give a special Xmas Comedy Show to relieve the tension – please note this does NOT mean Xmas will be held even a single day before 25 December!

❝ Hello, good evening, and welcome to the TT Xmas Comedy Show – I am Tiny Toy, and this is my Xmas Comedy Show BlogCast!

What happens to elves when they're naughty? Santa gives them the sack.

What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap.

What is a snowman's favorite breakfast? Ice Crispies.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas party? He had no-body to go with.

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A Mince Spy!

What says 'Oh Oh Oh'? Santa walking backwards!

What do you call a greedy elf? Elfish.

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!

What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Can you smell carrot?

Whats the best Christmas Present? A broken drum – you just can't beat it.

Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-olph!

Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!

Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ho, ho, ho.

What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck? A Christmas Quacker!

What do snowmen eat for lunch? Iceburgers!

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles!

What is a skunks favourite Christmas song? Jingle smells!

Thank you, thank you, you're very kind.

My time's nearly up, but before I go, let me ask you a serious question: Why did the turkey cross the road?

Becase the chicken was on holiday!

I must go now, because I'm wanted by the Joke Police for that last joke!

I've been Tiny Toy and I hope you've been a wonderful audience – Happy Xmas! ❞

 

FIRE STATION OPEN DAY

Following Andrea's extraordinary revelations about Mrs V, Wilson and Byron spent most of yesterday brooding about how different their lives would have been, had not they been betrayed by fate – how they would have been living in Costa Rica, in a grand house with many servants and probably girlfriends…

I clearly needed to snap them out of their dejected and melancholic mood, so I took the whole family to see the Uckfield Fire Station!

 

Each year the Fire Station holds an Open Day, when visitors can meet the firefighters, climb all over the fire engines etc, but for various reasons (usually because we've been away on holiday at the time) Wilson has never attended one.

 

Because of the pandemic there won't be any Open Day this year, so I've done the next best thing and taken everyone to see The Old Fire Station.

 

Since the new fire station was built next to Tesco, The Old Fire Station has been converted into living accommodation, and of course we can't just knock on the door and ask to be shown round, so we just stood outside and looked at it.

 

Admittedly it wasn't quite as thrilling as sliding down the fireman's pole and working the Blues-&-Two's, but after so long in lockdown, just leaving the house was quite exciting!

 

 

Ant Wars 2: ANDREA'S SHOCKING REVELATION

It seems that following the discovery of the photo of her mother, Mrs V, Andrea was trying to uncover some of her family history.

 

At first Mrs V was taciturn, but eventually she turned to face Andrea and said, 'Oh well, you're not a child any more – I suppose you deserve to know the truth…'

After gathering her thoughts for a few moments, she began: 

 

'Your life was not supposed to be like this, my dear. You were not destined for a life of drudgery and childbearing in a zoo conservation project, for you are the child of Nobility!'

She continued, 'I was born of a Patrician family – one of Costa Rica's finest! When my family moved to England I was even presented at Court as a Debutante!'

Rummaging in her handbag, she produced a photograph (reproduced below) of herself taken at the Deb's Ball as she was presented to Queen Charlotte's Birthday Cake [don't even ask what that's all about!].

She paused to dab at her eyes with a Kleenex before resuming her sorry tale:

'At the Debutante's Ball I met the most wonderful and handsome boy – he was a real Boar, and he quite swept me off my paws! He met my family and we became betrothed… it was like a fairy tale!'

Mrs V had to pause, her shoulders shaking with emotion, before she could continue: 'But after the wedding he revealed his true nature. He spent all night gambling and fornicating with sows of easy virtue in nightclubs; he made many unwise investments, and eventually even persuaded my dear father to invest in Coffee Futures, promising to multiply his investment tenfold!'

Another pause ensued before she could pick up the sorry tale: 'When the Great Coffee Crash came, we were wiped out! My father lost all his money and the family was in ruination!'

Andrea asked, 'So what became of your husband… my father?'

'Husband?' Mrs V. spat the word like an oath. 'My so-called "husband" deserted me, leaving me with a cub to bring up on my own, and left the country. Neither I nor my family ever heard from him again. He is dead to me!

'I was alone in the world with you, Andrea, the sweetest anteater cub in the world, and the only way to survive was to move to the zoo – the only home you remember – and accept their charity.

'I have never spoken of this before, partly because my foolishness and naïveté pains me, but mostly because I didn't want you or the rest of my family know what they have lost! Dear Boo [Wilson] for instance is desperately trying to earn £1million to try to restore us to our lost grandeur, and even he doesn't know why…'

 

Mrs V lapsed into silence while Andrea tried to comfort her.

—

There will be no post tomorrow, to give everyone a chance to come to terms with this most unexpected revelation!

FAMILY NEWS

In view of the dramatic nature of the news, Wilson thought it only right that he should share it first with his brother Byron, as he was equally affected by it.

It must be pretty serious, as he didn't even take his constant companion Antony with him!

 

Wilson says that he will share the news with me as soon as he and Byron have taken it in…

 

 

NOBODY EXPECTED THIS!

Wilson had just started rearranging the bookshelves in his library so the book spines were in colour order – so the library would look like a rainbow – when the telephone rang.

It was a call for Wilson from his Big Sister Andrea at the zoo.

 

They were in subdued but earnest discussion for nearly an hour, and when he finally hung up the phone he seemed at a loss for words. 

 

Eventually, he managed to explain that Andrea had just learned something absolutely amazing about his Mum, Mrs V. – something which changed everything… and yet changed nothing.

 

I for one can't wait to find out what this news is, I just hope it doesn't devastate Wilson, like the time when he learned he was adopted!

BEES' BLOG

Hello, we are Polly and Billi the Bees, and this is our Guest Blog.

Welcome to the first day of Meteorological Autumn.

 

Today the weather is a tiny bit better so we've decided to have some more arty fun in the countryside!

 

It's a bit muddy beside this big pond, so we probably did the right thing in leaving our two children at home playing with Uncle Zoltan – they're baking Xmas Cookies together with Antony and TT.

 

We're just hoping those boys in the cart don't ask us to help them pull it out!

 

So anyway, we've been the Bees and we'll see you again next month.

Until then, BEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD, love art... and don't get a muddy bottom like we've both got!

 

 

AUGUST BANK HOLIDAY

Today is August Bank Holiday – the traditional day to go to the seaside, eat too much ice cream and get seriously sunburnt!

Today, however, is predicted to be the coldest August Bank Holiday since records began, and with the current high winds, low temperatures and lockdown it seems more like November…

 

The remnants of storms Ellen and Francis mean that it's too gusty and cold for the children to play in the Beach Hut in the garden – or even go outside at all without risking being blown away!

 

However, I was not prepared to be confronted by a lot of plush toys demanding that Xmas should be brought forward.

 

I'm already nervous enough about doing Xmas in lockdown, without having to do it next week!

 

The children say they're bored of the pandemic and that it feels like several years since last Xmas, and now that it's getting colder they're apparently starting to feel 'Well Xmassy!' – they even want to get the decorations down from the loft!

 

Nothing in my past life has prepared me for a demand for Xmas in September, and I don't really know how to handle it…

—

In more cheerful news, Wilson's Blog has now surpassed 81,000 hits!

Why not make it 81,001: https://antwars2.blogspot.com/ – and tell your friends!

 

 

PREPARING LIKE A PIRATE

The watchword of a successful pirate, according to Wilson, is Preparation.

 

I imagine that is why he's in the kitchen with Byron and Nërp making beer mats, even though there are several weeks to go before the Big Day.

 

Byron and Nërp both wondered why the mats were being printed 'pre-stained' – something I had pondered on myself.

 

In answer, Wilson touched one claw to the side of his nose and replied, 'Authenticity! Pirates are notoriously messy drinkers, always spilling Grog. And Blood.'

 

Beer mats are very absorbent, and you might be surprised by how much printer ink they soak up – I should probably order another set of cartridges, just to be on the safe side.

—

International Talk Like A Pirate Day, in case you've forgotten, is on 19 September – be there, or be a scurvy landlubber!

 

 

SCHOOL PRECAUTIONS

The British Prime Minister has said:

'It is vitally important children go back to school, with the life chances of a generation at stake!'

He added that the dangers to children of staying at home were greater than the dangers of returning to school – but this from someone who can't even decide if face masks are a good thing or a bad thing, so don't be surprised to see a couple more U-turns before the first day of term! 🙄 

 

However, Wilson is taking the warnings seriously and has barricaded himself inside his Asteroid Shelter 'Just in case you get any ideas about sending me to school, New Dad!'

 

Byron has been trying to persuade him to come out by shouting about the benefits of education down the hole in the ground which is the shelter's entrance, but so far without success.

 

His lack of success may in part be due to Uncle Zoltan also shouting down the hole – things like, 'Don't Let The System Get You, dear boy!'

 

 

DIOGENES SYNDROME

It seems no time at all since I told you that no photographs exist of Mrs V, yet this morning a letter arrived in the signature lavender envelope favoured by Wilson's Big Sister Andrea – and guess what was inside?

As soon as Wilson spotted the envelope, fearing something might be amiss at the zoo, he ripped it open roughly with his claw.

 

Out fell a short note, written in lavender ink in Andrea's paw-writing… and a photograph! 

 

It seems that the Zoo Vet thinks Mrs V may be suffering from Diogenes Syndrome – a thinking disorder characterised by a reluctance or refusal to throw anything away – and her bedroom is becoming a bit cluttered.

 

In order to tidy up and make some space, Andrea had been sorting through some of Mrs V's things and come across this old photo in a dressing-table drawer. 

 

She thinks it was probably taken shortly after Mrs V arrived at the zoo, but when Andrea asked her about it she seemed vague and unwilling to talk about it. 

 

Andrea was at pains to point out that this is a very common affliction, and was really nothing to worry about… but Wilson is a terrible worrier!

 

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY COLIN!

No, not Colin the Knitted Camel (who is currently living happily with Wilson's friend Ms Jenny) But Colin the Caterpillar Cake, which is apparently 30 today!

There can't be many kids who haven't – for one reason or another – celebrated their birthday with a Colin the Caterpillar Cake, and Wilson decided that it was time the long-suffering Colin finally got to celebrate his own birthday.

 

Honestly, in the middle of a pandemic it doesn't take much of an excuse to justify a party, and before long everyone was sitting round singing 'Happy Birth-day Dear Co-Lin…' and waiting expectantly for a slice.

 

I did draw the line at having thirty birthday candles, though.

 

As the time to actually cut the cake drew nearer, Wilson announced, 'I just can't do this to Colin – he's been such a good friend to me over the years…' (ignoring the fact that he arrived only yesterday via Tesco Home Delivery) and Nërp had to take over the onerous task.