RETROSPECTIVE OPENS: NEON

Ant Wars 2: RETROSPECTIVE OPENS: NEON

Today the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery has re-opened, albeit under stringent infection-control conditions.

 

The opening show is Byron Vermilingua's Retrospective, and I'm very excited to see what he's been up to in the workshop.

 

As today happens to be my birthday, Wilson generously waived the admission fee for me, while warning me not to expect that to be a regular concession!

 

The first piece is a large creation in Neon, which Byron says is 'Influenced by Tracey Emin's neon works… though not as rude as Bruce Nauman's or Fiona Banner's'.

 

Beneath a large neon anteater the text reads, 'I never asked to be born an anteater'.

 

For Wilson, seeing the work for the first time, this came as a deeply shocking revelation – he has always thought he'd won life's lottery by being born an anteater, and he had never considered that anyone would think otherwise.

 

'Is this true, Bro?' he demanded 'You don't love being a member of the proud order Tamandua Tetradactyla?'

 

Byron replied, 'Of course I do, Bro… but an artist needs a measure of angst, something to rebel against. I need to be an iconoclast, a maverick – I need to say challenging, dissenting and sometimes unpopular things! That's my job…' 

 

After a moment he added, 'I still love you, Man!'

 

 

CONDITIONS OF ENTRY

Just to avoid any surprise at the stringency of Wilson's C-19 precautions, he would like to explain the conditions under which you may enter the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery when it reopens tomorrow:

• Face masks must be worn at all times

• Only one visitor at a time is allowed in the gallery

• Hand/Paw Sanitising Gel must be used before entering

• Do not touch, lick or smell the exhibits

• Do not come within 2m of the exhibits

• Gallery Staff will be present to supervise visitors

• Visitors must sterilise their eyes between looking at different exhibits

• Only contactless payment will be accepted for admission and in the Gift Shop

So apart from that, you're free to do as you like – enjoy!

 

 

FREE GIFTS FOR FRIENDS

Wilson's little Art Gallery, the Vermilingua Contemporary, will be opening in a couple of days time.

 

To thank you for your patience and loyalty, he has prepared a little Welcome Pack for his closest friends.

 

This comprises a Complimentary Admission Ticket* a pin badge proclaiming 'I've been to the Vermilingua Contemporary' and a Voucher for a Half-Price bottle of Souvenir Paint Remover if you attend Byron's planned demonstration of Gestural Abstraction Painting – he says it 'might' get a 'tiny bit' messy…

_____

 

*complementary ticket has no cash value and is not to be put up on eBay.

 

BEES' BLOG – A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte

Ant Wars 2: BEES' BLOG

Hello, we are Polly and Billi the Bees and this is our Guest Blog!

 

We've been chatting with Wilson's pen friend Arnold (IG: the.gourmet.anteater) and he said that re-creating classic paintings was all the rage now.

 

We are not great art-lovers, but we are very fashionable and we don't want to miss out on a new trend so we thought we'd give it a try!

 

We've chosen A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte because it's an opportunity to get out of lockdown and into the fresh air – we took our two children with us and had a lovely picnic in the sunshine!

 

Once it was done we took the children to see the finished picture, and they both thought it was very nice.

 

Actually it was quite good fun, so we're thinking about doing something similar for our next Blog in August!

So, we've been the Bees and we'll see you again next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD, Art Lovers!

 

 

 

 

POSTERS 4 U

I hope you all feel a bit uplifted following TT's stand-up comedy show yesterday!

Anyway, Wilson has kindly printed a load of posters for you to stick up – at home, at work, in your car window… 

 

He doesn't really care where you stick them(!) as long as you publicise the re-opening of his little Art Gallery.

 

The Vermilingua Contemporary will reopen on 4 July, and he's relying on a good turnout to help him recoup the losses he's accrued while the Gallery has been in lockdown.

 

If you scroll down you'll find an image of the poster you can print out yourself…

 

In the meantime, Wilson is working on the packaging for his new Joint Venture with his friend Arnold (IG: the.gourmet.anteater): Tinned Termites 🙄

 

Memo to self: order some more printer ink.

 

Also, don't forget that tomorrow it is the Bees turn to blog they've been persuaded to try something a bit different!

 

 

LOCKDOWN MORALE BOOSTER

TT's last online 'Comedy Nite' was surprisingly well received, so he's taking his next one more seriously.

 

He's bought some professional lighting on eBay (an Anglepoise lamp) and with Nërp's help he's even built a little background for his performance – now I understand what he, Antony and Nërp were doing shut away in the workshop!

 

Shh, he's just starting…

My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters... but if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk"...

I've been wondering… at what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

I just found out I'm colourblind – the diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

What do you call a male ant? Unc.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. Take your time.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.

I had a driving lesson the other day. The instructor asked me, 'What do we do if we meet mist or fog?' I told him, 'We put Mister Foot on Mister Brake!'

Well, I'm going to make like a bowl of spaghetti now, because it's pasta my bedtime.

Thank you! Thank you! I've been Tiny Toy, and I hope you've been a wonderful audience! Goodnight!

When the performance was over TT told me that he hoped it would have eased the pain of waiting for Wilson's Art Gallery to open in a few days – what a kind thought!

 

 

A TIME OF CRISIS

These are difficult times, and I don't think Crisis is too strong a word to use.

 

What do we need in a time of crisis? 

 

What do we need in THIS time of crisis?

 

Some Common Sense and a C-19 Vaccine would be useful, but sadly there's little we can do about either of those… but the NEXT BEST thing is something to cheer you up, lift your spirits and make you happy!

 

Tiny Toy is bravely stepping up and has offered to do another of his TT's Comedy Nites to raise morale, and he's taking it a lot more seriously than last time.

 

He's already in make-up preparing, then he intends to run over his script one last time so he's gag-perfect before the curtain goes up tomorrow!

 

Don't miss it – he's put a lot of effort into this, and it's Guaranteed* make you feel better!

___

* Ts&Cs: not an actual 'legal' guarantee, more a statement of intent.

POSTER RUN

Now it's official: Museums and Art Galleries in the UK can re-open on 4 July!

 

Wilson has lost a lot of money while his gallery – The Vermilingua Contemporary – has been closed, so he's wasting no time in advertising its re-opening.

 

He is certain that an Art Starved Public is 'desperate' to see something cultural, and he doesn't want to let them down… or miss out on any admission money!

 

From what I can tell, the public is far more desperate to crowd on to the beach, spread C-19 and cause a second spike of infection, but I hope I'm wrong…

 

The pressure is now really on Byron to paint faster so his Retrospective Show will be ready to go by Reopening Day…

 

 

PACKAGE FROM A PEN PAL

First it's Tiny Toy getting mysterious packets in the mail, now it's Wilson – I never get anything mysterious or exciting – only bills!

 

Today's delivery has caused some excitement, being a packet of Live Termites from Wilson's American pen-pal Arnold!

 

I regarded the package suspiciously as termites began to climb out and crawl over the kitchen table.

 

'If they're American termites' I asked, 'they haven't been… well, you know… Chlorine Washed have they?'

 

'Oh no!' both boys assured me in unison, 'They're Free-Range, straight from the Park. Look, they even arrived with their own little rotten log to live in!'

 

Wilson continued, 'We're going to take these round to Everything Ant in the village, get a marketing deal and start a Termite Import/Export Business with Arnold! we're going to call them "Park Termites"'

 

'Here, Try one – they're delicious' Byron said, holding a struggling termite out to me.

 

'I think you should get them round to Everything Ant straight away,' I remarked, declining the proffered insect, 'before you've eaten them all…'

 

You can meet Wilson's multitalented friend Arnold and his family on Instagram: the.gourmet.anteater

 

MYSTERIOUS ACTIVITY

TT has received a parcel in the post!

TT is Wilson's plush toy's plush toy so unsurprisingly he doesn't receive much* mail, and he's being very secretive about whatever is in today's little package.

Now he and Antony are in the workshop with Nërp building something secret, and I'm not allowed inside.

Nërp has even posted his niece Jīqìrén outside to deter the curious, and she's got her plush robot with her for backup – I think she'd kill to protect that toy, so I shall not be approaching…

Honestly, it's bad enough when Wilson keeps things from me, but now even his plush toys are doing it I feel a bit out of the loop…

—

*Any, ever!

SOCIAL DISTANCING

For good or ill, government advice on social distancing has changed from 2m to 1m.

 

I know exactly what you're thinking – you are thinking: 'But that will render my 2m Social Distancing Device obsolete! Grrrrr – I curse that anteater and his mad ideas!'

 

Fear not, though – Wilson has announced a special Conversion Kit which will adapt your device (AKA Wilson's Whacker) to conform to the new regulations.

 

The conversion kit comprises a handsaw to cut down the original 2m pole, and a tape measure so you can measure how much to cut off, and can be ordered from the usual address…

 

 

GALLERY REOPENING

Nërp has now vacated his workshop – wearing an inscrutable expression – and Byron has resumed work inside. 

 

Wilson is proceeding on the assumption that he will be permitted to reopen the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery on 4 July.

 

I don't think that date has been mentioned by the government yet, but all the news media are pretty confident of an imminent announcement.

 

While Byron paints for all he's worth, Wilson is preparing the gallery to reopen under the new Social Distancing Rules: Paw Sanitising Gel, one-way system and, most onerous of all, only one visitor in the gallery at a time!

 

W fears takings may be seriously affected. ☹️

 

The Gallery Reopening has put even more pressure on Byron to have enough paintings ready for his Retrospective Exhibition.

 

I thought artists usually mounted retrospectives towards the end of a long and successful career, but young Byron has only been painting for a couple of weeks so he's really working against the clock!

 

 

SPACE/TIME CONTINUUM

Nërp is busy in his workshop and says he must not be disturbed.

 

He is allegedly making some delicate adjustments to the space-time continuum – before locking himself in he explained to Byron that Planck's Constant needed to be tweaked to avoid a Wormhole appearing in the back garden and swallowing everything up.

 

Or was it a Black Hole? Byron can't remember for sure, but does clearly remember that 'It sounded horrible!'

 

It's very quiet in there, so I suspect Nërp is just dozing, or drinking… maybe playing Patience [Solitaire].

 

Or maybe he just wants some 'Me Time' to relax on his own.

 

Whatever, he's even stopped Byron from working on his paintings and made him wait outside!

 

Wilson went round to remonstrate with his brother, perhaps persuade him to paint Plein Air, but B said he 'couldn't contact his muse' while there was any danger of holes in the garden, whether Worm- or Black-.

 

Wilson banged on the workshop door for some time, but Nërp's only response was total silence.

 

There isn't a Tinder for robots is there?

 

 

FATHERS DAY

I was quite taken aback when Wilson and Byron gave me this card this morning, because I'd forgotten today was Fathers' Day!

 

The card was jointly from both of them because I am apparently 'Difficult to buy for' and they'd both signed it with a nice message.

 

I have never officially adopted Byron, but it's lovely to learn that he accepts me as a member of his family… 

 

 

TT's COMEDY NITE

Tiny Toy is missing the opportunity to perform at live gigs so, like many other comedians, he has resorted to on-line performances.

 

To celebrate the Summer Solstice he has borrowed Wilson's laptop, set up some lights and started to stream his show:

Hello! Good evening! I'm Tiny Toy – I may be tiny, but at least I don’t have to bend down to tie my shoelaces… which is nice.

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger – but then it hit me.

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. Think about it. Not for too long…

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot. Just like your enthusiastic applause does… even though I can't hear it…

Oh, I've just seen the clock, and it's high time I was going – oh hang on, it's not a clock, it's a barometer… in which case it's high pressure I was going.

Thank you! Thank you! I've been Tiny Toy, and I hope you've been a wonderful audience! Goodnight!

When he came off stage (ie climbed off the laptop) he said it was very difficult working online without any audience feedback, but that wouldn't deter him.

 

What a little trouper!

 

 

THE ONE WHERE sTONEYE GOES TO THE OPTICIAN

Following sTony's recent visit to the dentist, sToneye – perhaps feeling a bit left out – expressed a desire to have an eye test.

 

Consequently, Wilson and Byron have taken both sTone Brothers round to the opticians in the village – reasoning that this would be safer than the 'Dominic Cummings Eye Test' where we'd just let sToneye drive around in the car to see whether he hit anything.

 

After a few minutes in the waiting area they were called into the consulting room where, with the optician's help, sToneye took a seat in the examination chair.

 

As soon as he sat down it was obvious there was a problem.

 

The optician was very apologetic, saying that while they frequently treated patients with only one eye, their equipment was not optimised for cyclopean consultations.

 

She continued to test sToney's vision by simply holding the test lenses in front of his single ocular organ, while sTony sat in the half-light anxiously asking, 'What's going on? Is everything alright? Are you okay, bro?' 

 

Eventually the optometrist pronounced sToneye to have 'Excellent' sight and not in need of any corrective visual aid.

 

She also waived the fee for the examination, in view of any embarrassment their lack of facilities may have caused, which I thought was very fair.

 

IN OTHER NEWS, Tiny Toy says he has something 'Amazing and Astonishing' planned for tomorrow!

I wouldn't expect too much – when all's said and done, he is a plush toy's plush toy…