Hello, welcome, we are 🐝 Polly and 🐝 Billi The Bees, and we're a bit worried…
As you know, even in the face of Death by Pesticide we Bees like to put a Brave Face On Things, to smile through the tears, so to speak, because as Ms Davina McCall once said, 'Nobody wants to see a Sad Bee' – but there's just no getting around this.
We have just left the EU, with all its brilliant wildlife and animal protection programmes and policies – and because of that our dear friend Wilson has gone into hiding, living underground and eating worms!
Now we're not in the EU any more, Wilson is certain he's about to be deported to Costa Rica as an Undesirable Alien… or possibly an Illegal Immigrant, we can't remember which.
Anyway, we can't bear to think of him and his poor brother Byron living in the damp earth and eating invertebrates, so we're going to have a word with his New Dad to see if he can't tempt him out and reassure him.
So, we've been The Bees and we're not happy.
We're actually extremely anxious, perturbed, concerned, distressed, fretful and agitated. Also apprehensive, fearful and afraid.
We'll probably see you again next month, and until then, BEEEEE KIND WHEN POSSIBLE!
(PS – it's always possible…)
Tomorrow night at 23h00GMT the UK officially leaves the European Union 🇪🇺 😢
Wilson is convinced that he will immediately be deported, so he and his half-brother Byron have decided to seek sanctuary by hiding in what used to be his Asteroid Shelter.
Honestly, I blame myself for letting him watch The Diary Of Anne Frank on tv over the weekend, but I can't change that now.
Mole the Mole, skilled in the art of underground living, has imparted much valuable advice – although most of it concerns choosing the best kind of worms to eat.
I can't see Wilson, a staunch vegetarian, being prepared to do that…
Wilson has got a lot on his mind at the moment.
The UK officially leaves the European Union on Friday night, and he is convinced that by Saturday morning officials from the Immigration Office will arrive, tear him from my side and deport him to Costa Rica.
Not that he's got anything against Costa Rica – it's just that he's never been there in his life and won't know anyone.
So in an attempt to distract him, we all settled down to watch Star Trek Picard, the new Star Trek series which sees Jean-Luc retired and farming wine on a vinyard in France.
W celebrated by opening a bottle of Chateau Picard Labarre vintage 2267!
I have no idea and I didn't ask, but it was delicious – full-bodied and fruity, and gratifyingly free of ants!
I'm sure W's fears about deportation are mostly unfounded, although in these times who can be certain?
If he does get repatriated, he won't even be able to finish watching Star Trek Picard…
Following his recent interview with Uckfield FM, Wilson has come to realise that – being altogether too honest, principled and trustworthy – he is not really cut out for a life in politics.
Moreover, he has confessed to me that fees accruing from Sloth Party membership are 'disappointing', so he has dissolved the Party (much in the manner of Change UK) and taken steps to de-register The Sloth Party with the Electoral Commission.
Instead, he has reverted to his role of inventor/entrepreneur and designed: THE BORISBOARD®™
This is simply a darts board bearing a likeness of the eponymous leader looking smug and stupid. I say 'simply' but Wilson assures me that – like all Great Inventions – its beauty lies in its simplicity…
He predicts 'Brisk sales' of the BorisBoard®™ to disgruntled Labour Party and Liberal Democrat supporters.
Also paid-up ex-members of The Sloth Party, to whom he will offer a 'modest' discount.
Early this morning there was a knock at the door.
Wilson, who was in the middle of his breakfast, was a little bit vexed by the interruption, but brushing toast crumbs from his mouth he went to answer the door – to a journalist from our local radio station!
In the run-up to the last General Election, Wilson observed many politicians being doorstepped by tv journalists, and at first he employed the Jeremy Corbyn tactic, saying, 'Hello, so lovely to see you. Goodbye!' but after a moment's reflection he remembered how that had turned out on voting day and switched to a more Boris-like strategy.
Ruffling the fur on the top of his head, he began smiling and flirting with the journo, who had come to interview him not about – as he'd feared – his and Nërp's fly-posting, but to canvass his opinion on whether he aspired ever to be Prime Minister.
In my time, I've heard several MPs vehemently deny ever wanting to become PM – including Boris Johnson and Margaret Thatcher – before going on to do exactly that!
Wilson's denial, though, had a distinct ring of truth and sincerity – two qualities which in themselves should be sufficient to exclude him from a career in politics.
He told the interviewer, 'Anyone who aspires to be Prime Minister should, on those grounds alone, be ruled totally unsuitable for the post!'
He rose enormously in my estimation at that point – he is indeed wise beyond his years!
Unlike most recent Prime Ministers…
Wilson knows that I strongly disapprove of Fly Posting, but since he and Nërp are sticking his Sloth Party posters only on the newly-constructed Uckfield Wall I suppose I can't really complain.
The whole purpose of the Wall is to be covered in graffiti, so I dare say a poster or two won't make much difference…
Should you wish to walk around wearing a badge proclaiming you to be a MUG, this is your big day!
Wilson is certain that many of his friends and readers will want to avail themselves of such an opportunity, so he is giving you each a free Make Uckfield Great badge… I'm not quite as confident!
Another of the Sloth Party's Manifesto Pledges is to Make Uckfield Great!
I happen to think Ucky is already pretty great, so I asked Wilson exactly what he meant by 'Great', for I suspect the is using the slogan Make Uckfield Great in the sense 'Make Wilson Rich' – and I was not disappointed.
'Well,' Wilson explained, 'There will be top quality Make Uckfield Great merchandise: baseball caps, badges and… well, mugs. Would you like one? I can let you have it at mate's rates – let's call it £10.'
I declined, saying that I had no wish to wear a baseball cap proclaiming me as a MUG – enough people already hold that opinion of me, without me wearing a hat confirming it. 😕
W countered that if everyone in Uckfield wore a MUG cap and drunk their coffee out of a reusable MUG mug, it would be a clear statement of intention, and might even make the National tv News channels.
I can't argue with that…
At first I assumed this proposed wall was to be constructed as a Tourist Attraction in the manner of the Great Wall of China, or perhaps Hadrian's Wall, but it is apparently to be erected in the village near the skateboard park for the use of graffiti artists.
Never having been one to let the grass grow under his paws, work on constructing the wall has already begun: in spite of the inclement weather, Wilson (Architect), Byron (Senior Brick Layer) and Antony (Foreman and Site Safety Officer) are all down at the Skate Park hard at work architecting, brick-laying, foreman-ing and site safetying – whatever that actually means.
Another of The Sloth Party's Manifesto Pledges is – inconceivably – to build a WALL.
Wilson assures me that it will be 'A Magnificent wall. A Beautiful wall. A Great wall: The Great Wall Of Uckfield!'
I asked whether the Mexicans are going to pay for it, but Wilson appeared not to understand the reference.
After discussing this most improbable of plans for a few minutes, Wilson asked me, 'Do you think the Mexicans WOULD pay for it?'
_______
Wilson is very excited to report that his Blog has received an all-time total of 70,000 hits!
Please tell all your friends so he can go on to reach the target he's set his heart on: 100,000.
With the Royal Crisis out of the way, Wilson's attention has returned to his newly-formed Sloth Party.
In an attempt to understand his Party's platform, I asked whether 'Sloth' was being used in the sense of 'Reluctance To Work' or to describe the slow-moving South American mammal?
'The mammal, of course! Wilson replied, 'Sloths are super-cute and V popular right now, as are Llamas and Alpacas – hence the alliance! But never forget,' he added, 'indolence is a Great Virtue!'
I then enquired how he intended to get rich from this enterprise, and he explained, 'In the same way as Mr Trump, but without the lying, the cheating, the nepotism, the racism or the imprisonment of little children – unlike him, I am not a total monster!'
What does that leave, I wonder? I hope it's not a Hotel or a Golf Course.
'Watch and learn, New Dad,' he continued, 'Watch and learn – I have many policies in my… well, our Manifesto. Many, many wonderful policies! Tremendous policies! Believe me!'
He ruffled his hair disarmingly, a very Boris gesture. I fear he's quite good at this…
I don't like to mention that Trump, in common with most of our previous Tory Prime Ministers, is rich because he inherited his wealth – often from parents who are crooks and/or tax-evaders – because I wouldn't want to discourage him in his political awakening.
Leafing through the paper yesterday, Wilson asked my opinion of the 'Constitutional Crisis' caused by Prince Harry and Meghan withdrawing from public life.
I think what he meant was,
'Should The Sloth Party take a political stance on this?'
He remarked that, if only HM The Queen had not repeatedly refused to ratify his OBE, all of this could have been so easily avoided.
I knew I'd regret asking, but I couldn't help myself – 'How so?' I enquired.
'Well, if HRH The Queen had been on better terms with me, a little more willing to give and take, I would happily have stepped into the breach,' he replied, 'subject to the usual terms vis-a-vis the Civil List, obviously!'
'Prince Wilson…' I mused, 'and what of your Consort?'
'I think that, following my Coronation, the lovely Caroline Katz might well have reconsidered her position. Or Ms Winkelman – as a prince I would be a Well Eligible Bachelor – the ladies would be fighting over me! HRH Prince Wilson the 1st and Princess Claudia – what do you think?'
He closed his eyes and smiled…
It's now almost the middle of January, and the days should be getting longer – but early this afternoon I noticed that it was suddenly getting very dark in the living room.
Going outside to investigate, I found Wilson steadying a ladder against the house while Byron balanced precariously at the top attempting to fix a banner to the wall.
I was about to ask W what was going on when I was accosted by Nërp asking me whether I would like to join The Sloth Party for the trifling sum of £5 (cash only).
Hearing me pass up this offer, Wilson came over to enquire whether I was completely and utterly certain I didn't want to join, as the price of membership was about to increase to £10.
When I asked what on earth the Sloth Party was – and why I now appear to be living in its International Headquarters – Wilson told me that it was his new Good Idea – AKA moneymaking venture.
'Now that the Labour Party has been wiped out,' he explained, 'The Sloth Party is the new Centre Left political group for people who don't like Boris Johnson.'
'Isn't that the Liberal Democratic Party?' I asked.
'Poof!' he replied with a Gallic shrug, 'The LibDems are sadly a spent force. Disillusioned Labour voters are crying out for a dynamic new Centre-Leftish Party – and that's us! I am all set to be as popular as Tony Blair once was…'
Following his New Year's Eve realisation that yet another year has passed without his attaining millionairehood, Wilson has spent most of January in the dining room with Byron, doing some 'Serious Inventing'… although after several barren days he confided to me that he has a bad case of Inventor's Block.
He's grabbed a black coffee with a double shot of ant gin – apparently a Sovereign Cure for All Blockages (according to his Mum, Mrs V) – and he is now confident of coming up with a Top Notch Money Generating Idea before the day is out.
I can only fear the worst…
The sTone Brothers' Xmas was spent a bit differently to everyone else's.
It's not widely known, but stones do not generally celebrate Xmas, but having been caught up in the general excitement sTony and sToneye decided to host a Xmas Party for local underprivileged and orphaned stones!
In the photo you can see the brothers overseeing a boisterous party game, before a big sit-down Xmas dinner of sand with all the trimmings.
Discussing it later, they told Wilson that all the guests had really enjoyed themselves.
In the same way that I invariably think fish look miserable, I've always found it hard to tell whether or not stones are enjoying themselves, but I expect it's easier for other stones to perceive pleasure in their own kind – and in any case it was a lovely, kind and selfless gesture…
Today I'm going to show you what Wilson gave me for Xmas – a very thoughtfully-designed coffee mug (which does pretty much sum up my thought processes) and a new cover for my iPhone.
Tomorrow I will reveal the unusual and very kind way the sTone Brothers spent their Xmas.
Then I will finally try to put Xmas behind me and try to return to Normal Life – or as normal as life can be living with two precocious young anteaters…
Speaking for myself, I've had enough of Xmas now – I'd like to get on with life and face whatever challenges 2020 has to offer.
Wilson is still in his library trying to invent something groundbreaking with massive profit-making potential (so far without success) but the Johnson Brothers are very keen to show you their Xmas Present!
It's one of those wooden toys with a button on the base which, when pressed causes the toy to collapse into a heap.
I had similar toys when I was little, and never found them to have much play value, but Johnson maj. and Johnson min. seem delighted with theirs, which is a model depicting two insects dancing.
At least, I think they're dancing…
The insects are allegedly Bees, although to my untrained eye they rather resemble Ladybirds – which by coincidence is what the Johnson Brothers actually are.
Hello, Happy 2020, and welcome – we are 🐝 Polly and 🐝 Billi The Bees, and this is our first Guest Blog of 2020!
Today we are going to SOLVE A MYSTERY for you:
You must all have asked yourselves a million times, 'I wonder what it's like to be a Bee?'
Speaking as Bees ourselves, both Billi and I can tell you it's brilliant – hard but rewarding work, excellent social life, lots of dancing and of course our lovely little family of Johnson Major and Johnson Minor – but that doesn't really tell you what being a Bee FEELS like – but this will:
https://getpocket.com/explore/item/what-is-it-like-to-be-a-bee
But there is also a DOWNSIDE to being Bees: being poisoned by pesticides!
So far we haven't been, but sometimes we think that it's only a matter of time, and we both really fear for the world our children, Johnson Major and Johnson Minor, will inherit…
Please join us in our fight against neonicotinoid pesticides – if the EU reverses its ban, or if that horrible Mr Johnson legasises them, it will be 💀curtains💀 for us Bees!
And as Billi is always saying, 'If the Bees go, you humans won't be far behind!'
I think that clever Mr Einstein actually said it first, but Billi is always saying it too, which is nearly as good.
Anyway, we've been The Bees, and we sincerely hope that we'll carry on being Bees!
Pesticides permitting we'll see you again at the beginning of February – until then, BEEEEEEEEE PESTICIDE FREE!
New Year's Eve is traditionally a time for reflection – a time to meditate on the successes and failures, the gains and losses of the outgoing year.
Wilson is in his library contemplating his last 12 months, by brooding over the fact that – despite his best efforts – he is still not a millionaire.
I have tried to comfort him by pointing out what a good Dad he is to Antony and TT, and how well he looks after and provides for the rest of his family, but he is inconsolable.
Byron is doing his best to comfort him, but doesn't really know what to say.
Wilson says that his New Year's Resolution must be to knuckle down and do some of his best-ever inventing and creative thinking – to which end both he and Byron are consuming prodigious quantities of Brain Food (AKA Cheesy Wotsits and Snowballs) and hoping to have a brilliant idea.
Inventing a new Hangover Cure would be a good start, as they'll surely both need one tomorrow…
Today it's the turn of Antony and Tiny Toy to show you their Xmas present – a toy helicopter!
Here you can see Wilson 'helping' them play…
