DEVELOPMENTS...

This morning Wilson and Antony headed into the darkroom with their exposed darkslides to process their photos. 

Wilson made a LOT of jokes about 'Seeing what develops' etc. I laughed appreciatively... but there aren't many darkroom jokes I haven't heard a hundred times before.

There was a small disagreement between W and A about whether the Test Strips should be exposed 'linearly' or 'logarithmically' but I don't think they came to blows.

I've not been allowed to see the finished prints — there is a TOTAL EMBARGO on them until the day after tomorrow, when Wilson will reveal them to the waiting world.

There's no telling what the world will make of them...

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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Be Nice to a Narwhal!

CLICK!

Last night all bystanders, assistants and rubberneckers were ushered out of the living room until just the Closed Set Crew — Antony — remained.

Wilson was strangely shy about being photographed naked, and insisted that Antony wore a blindfold for the shoot. I think this is something to do with the subtle difference between being naked (as W spends most of his life) and being nude — a state arousing a more prurient and voyeuristic attitude.

When he was satisfied with his pose, Wilson instructed Antony, 'When I say NOW, you press the shutter release!'

Antony replied, 'Relax — I shall photograph you like I photograph my French Girls...'

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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Be Gentle to a Gerenuk!

LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!

Following last night's party, everyone is quite tired [hung over] this morning. 

In fact, everybody is still in bed except for me and the select few who Wilson calls his 'Closed Set Crew' who are in the living room helping him prepare for his 'I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur' photo shoot. 

Polly is applying make-up [Powdered Royal Jelly, since you ask] while Antony is famiiarising himself with the photographic process.

I pointed out to W that actually he IS wearing fur and asked whether he'd be shaving it all off for the picture. 

He frowned indignantly and said he would be leaving his magnificent pelt intact, obviously, but would be subtly altering the headline to reflect his furry condition.

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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Kiss a Koala!

I AM OVERWHELMED!

It was quite late last night when Wilson finally called me into the kitchen to present me with my FURbruary Gift — a water cooler converted into a WINE CHILLER! This is the coolest thing EVER!

'Happy FURbruary, New Dad!' he shouted, handing me a glass of wine and proceeding to demonstrate the machine's many wonderful features.

'Look, you see this extra tap? That dispenses hot mulled wine! And clipped to the back, there's an Ant Dispenser, so you can easily make your own ant-and-wine cocktails!'

Then he reassured me that I shouldn't worry about the price, as he'd sold his telescope on eBay at a tidy profit. 

'I said it had been previously owned by Sir Patrick Moore!' he confessed cheerfully...

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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Support a Sloth!

A FURBRUARY GIFT FOR ME!

Wilson took my news about not getting a Grand Prix Coffee Table pretty well, I thought — perhaps too well; he just said, 'That's okay, New Dad!' then touched the side of his nose, knowingly.

He then proceeded to tell me that as I am probably a Sentient Animal, I too am entitled to a Kind Gesture during FURbruary... and it will be arriving later today.

After only a few minutes, a delivery van called at the house and the driver unloaded a big wooden crate, which W 'helped' him carry into the kitchen.

He asked me to leave him alone while he opened the crate, so as not to spoil the surprise. 

It was with some misgivings that I gave him the hammer, but the Bees are on hand in case of accident, and all the children are safely out of the way.

I can't wait to see what he's got me — I do hope I'm not going to hate it...

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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Pal-up with a Polar Bear!

CHANGE OF HEART

This morning Wilson told me that, as he hinted yesterday, he HAS changed his mind about wanting a Formula 1 Engine Coffee Machine. 

He said that, honestly, there's nothing wrong with the coffee we get from our current coffee machine, but what he thought we needed, indeed, what we ALL needed, was a Grand Prix Coffee Table! 

Also, if I ordered it straight away it would be here in time for the start of the Formula 1 season on TV!

I explained, as gently as I could, that the chances of that happening were about equal with the chances of getting the £8000 coffee machine. Perhaps even less, as this looks hugely expensive!

TT, as you can see, is making a good recovery and is being waited on hand and foot by Antony and Uncle Zoltan.

Uncle Z really seems to have a way with children...

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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: beFriend a Fish!

TT IS INJURED!

Tiny Toy is recovering from his nail-related accident yesterday: Polly is comforting him while Billi pulls the nails out of little body as gently as she can.

Wilson, while sympathetic to his plight, says that TT shouldn't have been playing on a box of nails, while Antony maintains that W should only have taken out as many nails as he needed, not tipped them all over the table.

I think both arguments have some merit... but I'm keeping my opinion to myself!

Once TT had been stretchered away and put to bed, Wilson asked me whether I'd ordered his Formula 1 Coffee Machine yet. I replied that I hadn't and, barring a major Lottery win, I wasn't likely to.

To my surprise, he said, 'Oh, that's good, because I think I've changed my mind about it!'

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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Cherish a Chameleon!

BLACKMAIL IS AN UGLY WORD

I usually snap Wilson out of these episodes by suggesting we go away on a holiday, but at the moment our holiday fund has been dangerously depleted by the unexpected purchase of his very expensive telescope. Right now, in fact, we could barely afford an afternoon in Seaford, although I would dearly love to have a vacation soon!

At the moment he's just finished fixing another of his PeTA posters to the dining room wall. When I asked him if all these posters were resulting in holes in the wall, and whether BluTack wouldn't be better than nails, he deftly changed the subject by announcing that towards the end of FURbruary he intends to produce his own naked anti-fur poster...

I demanded an immediate, cast-iron assurance that I would not be featured in this poster.

He told me that rather depended on how the F1 Coffee Machine went... 

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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Snuggle with a Snake!

OBSESSION

Several of Wilson's friends have been in touch to say they've had similar dreams to mine — they all involved Formula 1 racing cars, and on waking they all had a desire to watch some Formula 1 racing while drinking coffee!

I'm afraid Wilson has fallen prey to another of his Idée Fixe — an obsession to, in this case, acquire an £8000 coffee machine in the form of a V8 racing engine. 

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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Treasure a Tamandua!

STRANGE DREAM

After lunch today I dozed off in the living room, and had the strangest dream!

I dreamed that Lewis Hamilton had parked his Formula 1 racing car outside the house and was pouring me a coffee from the exhaust pipe!

Awaking with a start, I found Wilson staring intently at me! We locked eyes, and I couldn't seem to look away...

I think he's practicing his old 'mind control' thing again, to persuade me to spend £8000 on a new 'V8-style' coffee machine for him.

That clearly isn't going to happen, but if you take my advice, I'd try to avoid looking too deeply into his eyes today.

Not around the eyes... into the eyes... d e e p into the eyes...

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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Caress a Cow!

FORMULA 1 COFFEE

By the time we got home from our kite-flying adventure it was quite late, and Wilson went straight to bed.

First thing this morning, though, he printed out his Valentine Card, his Valentine Messages, and a picture of the new coffee machine he wants me to buy for him.

It looks exactly like a V8 Racing Engine... and costs almost as much! It's £8000 plus delivery!

He says that since I am an animal too, and as such included in FURbruary, he has a BRILLIANT surprise planned for me too... so at least I shall feel maximum guilt when the coffee machine doesn't happen!

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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Be Lovely to a Llama!

WILSON RECEIVES SOME WELCOME NEWS

As dusk fell it grew quite chilly, so Wilson and I repaired to a nearby pub for a hot drink and something to eat.

While I was ordering at the Bar, I heard W shout 'YESSSSS!!!' and I turned just in time to see him punching the air.

Hurrying back to our table, I asked him what had occurred. 

He waved his phone towards me and said, 'I just checked my email, and I've had a Valentines e-card and THREE Valentine messages! ALL from people I'm NOT RELATED TO!'

Once he'd calmed down and our food had arrived we got to chatting, and I asked him about yesterday's FURbruary Task Suggestion, 'Buy your Anteater a new Luxury Coffee Machine!'

'Oh yes,' he replied, 'I've been meaning to talk to you about that. I'm a bit tired of our old coffee machine — I'd like something with a bit more Va-Va-Voom!'

'Va-Va-Voom?' I asked, 'All it's got to do is make coffee!' but he insisted he'd found just the perfect machine, and he'd show it to me as soon as we got home.

And I was sitting down.

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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Welcome a Wasp!

VALENTINE'S DAY

St Valentine's Day is Wilson's least-favourite day of the year, emphasising as it does his lack of a girlfriend.

Yesterday one card arrived in the post for him, signed anonymously from his 'Secret Admirer'. He is convinced this is from his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, and calls it his annual 'pity card'.

To distract him from this, and from yesterday's disappointing news about his New Planet, I took him up onto the South Downs — just the two of us, with his kite and a picnic — hoping this would blow away the cobwebs and raise his spirits.

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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Buy your Anteater a new Luxury Coffee Machine!

SYNCHRONICITY

This morning Wilson emailed the editor of Astronomy Now magazine, partly to chase him up, partly to suggest that naming his new planet 'Vermilingua' might have more gravitas than his original suggestion of 'Wilson'.

Barely had he clicked Send when a new message pinged in from the editor, their communications having crossed in the ether. Or cyberspace.

It was a very nice message, thanking W for apprising the magazine of his new planetary discovery and his naming suggestion.

However, it continued, it would not be possible to call it 'Wilson' as it already had a name: BA8461 CFE13U.

It appears that W's 'New Planet' was a BA CityFlier aircraft en route from London City Airport to Ibiza.

'Oh,' Wilson said, rather crestfallen. 'Well, I suppose that explains the flashing lights...'

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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Love a Lobster!

GRAVITY WAVES

Wilson is a bit down today, having just learned of the detection yesterday of Gravity Waves.

His low spirits are due in part to his thinking that the editor of Astronomy Today magazine might now be to busy too deal with his email about his new planet, and partly because the gravity wave news will depress the resale value of his telescope on eBay.

'No-one will want a telescope after this,' he explained to me, 'they'll all want gravitywavescopes!'

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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Kiss a Kingfisher!

NO-WIN NO-FEE

Uncle Zoltan is convalescing in bed following his accident with Wilson's telescope. 

Wilson fears that he will fall prey to some unscrupulous No-Win No-Fee solicitor who will persuade him to sue W for having an unsafe telescope.

Polly has gone to visit Uncle Z with some of the children, taking with her a bottle of Lucozade and a big flagon of nasty medicine... and strict instructions from W not to mention compensation!

While she was away on her mission of mercy, Wilson remarked that if Uncle Z is the telescope expert he claims to be, it's a shame he didn't know a bit more about not falling into them. 

And not walking all over the main mirror!

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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Cuddle a Crow!

PANCAKE DAY!

Uncle Zoltan was finally freed from the telescope last night after Polly knitted a tiny rope ladder which was lowered down the barrel, enabling him to climb out.

As soon as Uncle Z was free, Wilson inspected the optics of his apparatus and complained that there were now a lot of tiny footprints all over the main mirror, which will require him ordering a specialist feather duster or similar on-line.

Still no news about his 'new planet' from Astronomy Now magazine, but W distracted himself by cooking Shrove Tuesday pancakes for dinner. 

Once I'd picked the ants out of mine, I have to admit they were delicious...

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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Make The Most of a Mouse!

DANGERS OF ASTRONOMY

Last night Uncle Zoltan, who knows almost everything about almost everything (allegedly) was explaining to Wilson how the optics of a Reflecting Astronomical Telescope work... when he fell in!

He's been stuck inside all night, and since first thing this morning W and The Bees have been out in the garden feeding him honey and trying to liberate him. 

Although everyone is doing their very utmost to effect a rescue, Uncle Z is not in the best of moods... which is a Very Bad Thing!

Still, it has taken Wilson's mind off his 'new planet' for a little while!

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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Buddy Up with a Bee!

CHINESE NEW YEAR — GONG HEY FAT CHOY

Year of the Monkey!

Following his discovery last night of a 'new planet' Wilson is composing an email to the Editor of Astronomy Now, informing him of his breakthrough and proposing that it should be called Planet Wilson. 

He's just told me that his planet had flashing lights on it, so there is probably an intelligent alien civilisation living on it...

For my part, I feel as though I've been living on 'Planet Wilson' pretty much ever since he came to live with me.

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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Be Matey with a Monkey!

THE SKY AT NIGHT

Undismayed by the light rain and the 100% cloud cover, Wilson peered enthusiastically through his telescope as darkness fell.

I kept him company because it seemed unkind not to, and as he scanned the skies he explained to me that Pluto has recently been de-planetised, meaning that there are now only EIGHT planets. He is on a mission to discover a new planet to make up the numbers again, and so restore order to the Universe.

Okay, I made up that last bit about restoring order to the Universe... though I wish something would!

Suddenly he called out to me, 'New Dad! New Dad! Make a note of the exact time and write down these coordinates — I've just found a New Planet!'

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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Be Generous to a Giraffe!