As dusk begins to fall this Xmas Eve, Wilson and his family are making their last-minute preparations for Father Xmas' Visit — stockings are being hung and the cookies and carrots are in place.
There was a glass of Ant Sherry too, but W taste-tested it and found it wanting. He says that he'll pour another glass later, with more ants, which will allegedly improve the flavour no end.
What with all the excitement I don't know how much sleep any of us is going to get tonight, but we shall be taking a break for a few days over Xmas so everyone can play with their new toys.
We'll be back in the New Year, and in the meantime we wish you ALL a V. Happy Xmas and a Merry New Year!
With plenty of Ants!
Behind the scenes there has been much discussion (ie heated argument) about who should play the Baby John Lewis asleep in the manger.
It was eventually agreed by (almost) everyone that Tiny Toy was the obvious choice, and by way of consolation Uncle Zoltan could play the Xmas Lobster. (Don't ask — I have no idea!)
As well as Uncle Z, the sTone Brothers had also put themselves forward for the role of Holy Baby JL, insisting that they were already in costume (swaddling clothes) and the Holy Baby JL could have been twins. They willingly stepped down when Polly offered to unwrap them, accepting non-speaking roles as shepherds.
Due to a shortage of Actors, some of the Easter Island Heads had to be drafted in to play the Three Wise Personal Shoppers. This was nice for them as they don't get to do much, stuck out in the garden in all weathers. They brought gifts of Gold Tray, Brussels Sprouts and an iPhone 4s for the Baby John Lewis. The last Wise Personal Shopper whispered to Mary, 'If he doesn't like it, the receipt's in the bag!' which I thought was a nice touch.
When the performance was over, everyone gathered at the front to sing Wilson's new 'Xmas Is Coming' song, before taking a bow.
This was received with a standing ovation and THREE encores! Wilson insisted on three.
CAST LIST
Producer, Director, Author, Prompt.....Wilson Vermilingua
Xmas Lobster...Uncle Zoltan
Baby John Lewis.............................Tiny Toy
Mary.............................................Polly
Joseph..........................................Billi
Three Wise Personal Shoppers..........Easter Island Heads
Sheep, Angel & Producers Assistant...Antony
Shepherds.....................................sTony and sToneye
Camels.........................................Johnson Major and Johnson Minor
Farm Animals.................................Diesel the Goldfish
(The Brussels Sprouts and Gold Tray appeared by kind permission of New Dad)
It's just getting dark here, and Wilson has assembled his choir in the porch ready to go carol singing round the village.
Since it proved so unpopular in the past, he has dropped his Rate Card Of Suggested Donations this year... although I have seen him showing Antony, the Johnson Brothers and especially Tiny Toy, a lot of YouTube videos of cute puppies looking adorable while begging. I think I can see his strategy here.
Since the weather is not great, the sTone Brothers might for once be pleased to be still wrapped in their Mummy Halloween costumes... though it's difficult to tell.
Since W explained the 'Real Meaning of Xmas' to me a couple of days ago, I am agog to see his interpretation of The Nativity planned for tomorrow...
Suddenly, at 2am, Wilson worked out how the Levitating Man at Covent Garden had worked! Naturally, he woke me up to explain it to me. In great detail...
This morning, much to W's gratification, the postman brought an Xmas Card from Dennis the Giant Anteater on the Isle of Wight!
After breakfast, Wilson unveiled his 'Xmas Photograph of Everyone' Xmas Card. I was pleased to see him wearing Antlers and his chocolate medal for Extra Xmassyness!
He made a special point of sending a card to Colin the Knitted Camel, who is now living with his friend Ms Jenny, Dennis the Giant Anteater and one or two friends who are not on Facebook.
To the non-religious amongst you, he also wishes you a VERY MERRY WINTER SOLSTICE!
When we arrived home last night we found that the postman had delivered a load of Xmas cards. All addressed to Wilson.
There were a couple of dozen cards (all identical, as usual) from his family, and one from everyone in the 'Wilson Vermilingua Appreciation Society' Facebook Group*! W kindly said that I could share that one with him.
First thing this morning, Wilson popped into the village to collect his prints from the chemists. He says he's 'Well pleased' with them, but can't show them to me until Xmas, or it would 'Spoil the surprise'.
However, he did agree to 'Strike the set' so at least I can watch tv again in comfort.
*You can join the Wilson Vermilingua Appreciation Society here, if you like: https://www.facebook.com/groups/wilsonvermilinguaappreciation/
Having had nothing to eat since lunchtime, Wilson expressed an urgent need for sustenance in the form of a Large Festive Mulled Wine, a Large Spicy Cider and several Rich Chocolate Brownies from a food stall in the Apple Market.
Having downed the spicy cider and the mulled wine (both of which were larger than expected and taken on an empty stomach) he was walking a little bit unsteadily as we headed back to the station to catch our train home. I was quite relieved to get him safely seated on board without mishap.
He told me that the lights were a bit disappointing, and that he thought the illuminations we have in Uckfield were actually better, but that he'd had a 'Totes top day'.
Then he sang an Xmas song which he had 'just made up':
Xmas is coming, the ants are getting fat
Please put a penny in Uncle Zoltan's hat
If you haven't got a penny, a farthing will do
I don't know what a farthing is, de dum de dum de doo!
🎶🎶
When we got to Regent Street, to be quite honest the lights were a bit of a disappointment — it looked like someone had broken into Big Ben and stolen all the cog wheels, then strung them up to make a piece of post-modern rubbish in that most Xmassy of colours, brown (see the inset picture).
As for Piccadilly Circus, which I'd given quite a build-up, that has been wrecked! Modernised out of existence! ALL the neon signs have gone, replaced with a giant video wall. :-/
So, we headed back to Covent Garden and went into the Apple Market for a snack. Wilson saw this poster in a shop window and insisted on being photographed in front of it. He told me that if he hadn't already shot the family group portrait, he'd use this photo for his Xmas card!
Another sign in the window proclaimed, 'Let your gift shine the brightest this season' and W said he certainly intended to — especially if his gift happened to be an extra bright LED Torch, which I happen to know he's hoping for!
We got off the Tube at Covent Garden — Wilson had misheard and thought we were going to a convent garden, and was relieved to discover the place wasn't full of nuns!
He was quite nervous of the Covent Garden "Living Statues" but overcame his fear to investigate this one — however hard he looked, he just couldn't understand how the 'statue' was levitating 18" above the ground.
As it was starting to get dark, we headed off to Regent Street and Piccadilly Circus next, to see the lights...
Wilson has asked me to apologise for his joke yesterday in case (being about someone dying) it was in bad taste.
I told him not to worry about it — and indeed he soon had something else to worry about: avoiding getting his claws stuck in the escalator.
There were adverts everywhere for the new Star Wars film, The Force Awakens. I asked W whether he'd like to see it but, having auditioned unsuccessfully for the lead role, it's a bit of a sore point.
'Thanks, New Dad,' he replied after a moment's thought, 'but I'll probably wait until it comes on Sky Movies...'
Okay, I'm sorry there was no Blog yesterday, but I decided to Seize The Day and took Wilson up to London to see the Xmas Lights.
We were unable to buy tickets at Uckfield Station, and once we'd boarded the train W was certain we would be arrested for Fare Evasion and spend Xmas in jail, but he calmed down after the Conductor had been round and issued us with permits.
He spend the journey standing on the seat so he could see properly out of the window, but he sat down briefly to tell me a joke:
'Did you know, New Dad, that the inventor of Predictive Text has just died? His funfair will be held next sundial! Hahahahaha!'
Last night, Wilson shot his Family Group Xmas Photo — I'm not in it, because, well, somebody had to press the shutter release — and first thing this morning he took his films down to the village chemists shop to have them developed and printed.
Having to wait to see his pictures is an alien concept to someone like W who's been brought up entirely in the Digital Age of Photography, so he's insisted on leaving his camera and lights etc all set up in case the pictures don't come out and he has to do a re-shoot.
This is not hugely convenient, as I can hardly see the TV due to his tripod standing right in front of it, so I'm spending my time mulling over what W told me yesterday about the Real Meaning of Xmas...
Like a consummate professional, Wilson made all his arrangements and technical adjustments before summoning his models to the set.
He got a bit dizzy using the camera, because he hadn't expected the little image in the back to be upside-down — at first he thought the camera must be broken, but I explained that it was quite normal.
Before Wilson puts on his Nativity Play, I wanted to check whether he was confused concerning what Xmas is really about, so before his models arrived I sat him down and I asked him whether he understood the Real Meaning of Xmas.
'Oh yes!' he replied confidently. 'It was invented by the Hallmark Card Company and the Brussels Sprout Marketing Board to celebrate the cold weather, and now it's sponsored by John Lewis, TESCO, Amazon and VISA to make sure the shops keep going through the winter!'
So that's cleared that up...
Before I had a chance to discuss the Real Meaning of Xmas with Wilson, he disappeared into his 'Museum' (ie the Garden Shed) emerging some time later with a big old plate camera and a tripod.
He told me that instead of buying Xmas cards this year he will be sending out an Xmas Family Photograph!
I no longer have the facilities to process or print sheet film myself, and I can't imagine what the Chemist will make of it when W turns up there with an exposed 5"x4" dark-slide and his pocket-money!
I was caught off-guard yesterday by Wilson's remark about wanting to be sure everyone understood the 'Real Meaning of Xmas' as I'm not sure he has any clear idea himself.
I was on my way to speak to him about this when something caught my eye in the living room — a sight more unexpected, more shocking even than Radical Feminist and Bee's Rights Campaigner Billi standing at the top of the Xmas tree waving a fairy wand: UNCLE ZOLTAN standing at the top of the Xmas tree waving a fairy wand.
As soon as he saw me he became flustered, explaining that he was just checking what the view was like from the top of the tree, whilst carrying out a Health and Safety Inspection.
He shuffled his feet a bit, put down the fairy wand and said, 'Well, the inspection is now complete. Full marks. Jolly good. Um... I think you should check the wiring on the, er, the fairy lights.'
Then, lowering his voice, he added, 'I don't think there's any need to mention this to the others. Especially that ant-eater!' and with that, he left the room.
Blushing.
Following Billi's adventure on the Xmas Tree yesterday, she made it absolutely clear to me today that her brief stint at Fairying was strictly a one-off, and I was not going to oppress her by making her stand up there all Xmas!
Nothing had been further from my mind, but I assumed a suitably chastened expression and agreed.
Wilson's in the garden building a Stable so he can put on a Nativity Play later — he wants to be certain that everyone understands the Real Meaning of Xmas...
When I came down to breakfast this morning, Polly the Bee was in the kitchen making an espresso.
When she saw me she smiled and pointed to the living room, telling me to go in quietly and take a look at the Xmas Tree.
When I did so, imagine my amazement at seeing Billi standing right at the top of the tree with a Fairy Wand in her hand and a pair of reindeer antlers clipped to her head!
I wouldn't have been surprised if I'd found Polly up there, but her partner Billi is the most unfeminine, politically radical and tomboyish bee I've ever known!
I said Good Morning to Billi and she beamed down at me, waving her wand over me like a benediction, intoning 'Happy Xmas, Wilson's New Dad!'...
Amid much jollity, the Xmas Tree is being decorated!
Xmas music is playing on the wireless and everyone is helping hand baubles etc to Wilson and offer him (usually unwelcome) advice on where he should hang them.
Polly and Billi have popped into the kitchen to mull some more wine for everyone, just to maintain the atmosphere of maximum overexcitement!
I fear Tiny Toy has already had too much wine, as he appears to be fast asleep on the floor. I hope he doesn't wake with a headache — he becomes quite fractious then...
Dr Who Spoiler Alert!
Seems Wilson and I were BOTH right — the lovely Clara is both alive AND dead. Though not simultaneously. And not in a box.
Last night, as we watched Doctor Who, there was not a dry eye in the house. Apart from sToneye's, because he couldn't see what was going on. I must have a word with W about taking his 'Mummy from the Black Lagoon' bandages off...
Now we must wait until Xmas afternoon for the Dr Who Xmas Special to see how things resolve themselves...
This morning Wilson went into the loft to retrieve the Xmas Tree and the boxes of decorations — he doesn't like it up there, because it's dark and cobwebby, but he managed to bring everything down without serious mishap.
Tomorrow we decorate the tree, and everyone is very excited*.
*TOTALLY over the top.
To save on postage, Wilson put all the letters to Father Xmas into one big envelope.
However, everyone wanted to be sure that their letter went off safely, so they all insisted — even Diesel the Goldfish — on accompanying Wilson to the Post Office to witness the envelope going into the slot.
There was an air of achievement and satisfaction when they all returned home; a sense that they had done all they could, and now just had to wait for Father Xmas' judgement: Good or Naughty.
I can't believe any of them will be found wanting in the Goodness stakes...
Wilson is in the kitchen writing to Father Xmas.
Everyone is gathered round him, dictating their lists. All at the same time. It's total mayhem, and there is certain to be some confusion with mixed-up requests — but that will only add to the fun of Xmas Morning.
Possibly.
I'll get in some extra Xmas Band-Aids though, just in case things turn nasty...
Last year I didn't get to see Wilson's personal letter to Father Xmas — he said it was just between him and Santa — so I had very little idea what to get him. I hope I can get a peek at this year's list before he posts it off to the North Pole!
