Wilson's secret vice

The Bees shuffled their feet for a minute, looked around to ensure that we were not being overheard, then reluctantly admitted that they too were concerned about Wilson — to such an extent that they'd considered giving him a bottle of their precious Royal Jelly as a tonic.

I asked them what they thought the root of his problem might be, and Billi replied immediately, 'It's that Interweb thing! He spends all night on it, so he never gets any proper sleep!'

This was a revelation to me — I'd noticed he checked his email a lot, but I'd had no idea it had become a problem. From now on I shall keep a close watch on his night-time activities, and make sure he gets out in the fresh air and sunshine more. 

To change the subject to a happier topic, I asked them about their Guest Blog next month, and they're both very excited about their Facts Of Life Part Deux post. Apparently Polly has found an old photo of herself in her Bee Princess frock, taken just before she took part in the Bee Beauty Pageant, which she's looking forward to showing everyone. 

That's worrying news about Wilson, though — I really hope he isn't sexting his friends or joined Tinder…

WE HAVE A WINNER!

Yesterday Ms May Iris correctly worked out that the ant in question was a Honey Pot Ant. There has been so much internet interest in this game that this morning everyone had assembled in the kitchen to see what was occurring — even reclusive Uncle Zoltan!

'Oh, the Gold Sovereign Ant!' he remarked casually as he passed the card in question, 'So-called because of its resemblance to a Gold Sovereign, and frequently passed off as such during Victoria's reign.'

Wilson rolled his eyes and snorted on hearing such codswallop and went off with his crayons to prepare some more cards — he'd only made two, and now they've both been guessed.

However, you're probably anxious to understand the clue Wilson gave for this question, "This mixed-up fellow has false foot phalanges."

Phalanges are the bones in the fingers and toes, so foot phalanges refers to a toe. False is a synonym for phony, so: Phony Toe. Mixed-up suggests an anagram, and an anagram of phony toe is Honeypot, hence the answer. QED.

As Wilson had left the kitchen, I took the Bees aside and asked them whether they'd noticed anything amiss with him. 

They looked awkwardly at each other and shuffled their feet, before Polly took a deep breath and spoke…

A further revelation…

I've been worrying about the clue Wilson gave for this card, so I persuaded him to explain it to me. After swearing me to secrecy, hid did so, and although it's quite involved, I think it is legitimate… as long as you like your clues cryptic.

I told him if he ever wanted a job he might apply to The Times Crossword Department!

Actually, W has been very tired lately, and i little bit withdrawn. I hope he's not sickening for something...

Anyway, here's the next section of the card revealed — there's a close-up view as well, because W says we're just getting to the 'Dead Giveaway bit!'

Game 2

What with all the excitement of yesterday, Johnson Minor has arrived to see what's going on, though I doubt whether he'll be able to join in. 

Wilson has said that today's picture will be easy to guess, but the clue is much more difficult than yesterday's!

While Johnson Major inserted the new card, Antony, in a voice shaking with anticipation and gravitas, read out today's clue: 'This mixed-up fellow has false foot phalanges'

If you think you know the answer, send it in for a mention; if no-one can solve it, another section of the card will be revealed tomorrow!

It's quite exciting isn't it?!

It's Play Time!

Johnson Maj. took out an envelope and held it up; Antony tugged the card a little bit and read the clue from the back: 'This Ant made up half a singing duo in the 70s—80s.'

I then said, 'I'll name that ant in five!' (which is the maximum I could bid).

Wilson countered, 'I'll name that ant in four!' (He was humouring me because, having written the clues and made the cards, he already knew the answer. Not to mention being an acknowledged Ant Expert — never play against him for money!)

Can you Name That Ant? First person with the right answer gets a mention; if no-one works it out, another section will be revealed tomorrow! Remember, we're looking for the variety of the ant, not names like 'George' or Phyllis'...

Name That Ant...

Wilson has told me it's okay to show you his new game, Name That Ant… and to explain the rules to you. So here goes:

First one of the hosts, in this case Johnson Major, takes a small envelope from the box and the other host, in this case Antony, reads aloud a clue printed on the back of the envelope, then pulls the card inside slightly up to expose the number '1' and the top of a picture of an ant.

The two contestants, in this case Wilson and myself, take turns to 'bid' how few sections of the picture need to be exposed in order to correctly identify the ant's breed.

Come back tomorrow to see how the game progresses…

Fathers Day

Wilson burst into my bedroom shortly after dawn this morning to give me a paw-made [it's like hand-made, but harder to do] Fathers Day Card (in which he'd written that I was by quite a stretch the longest-lasting and most tolerant of all his many New Dads — I was very touched!), a Fathers Day fresh-cream cake and a pre-production pack of his new Name That Ant! game.

After opening my card and declining a slice of cake ('It looks delicious, Wilson, I'll have a slice at breakfast time!' 'You don't mind if I have a bit now, do you New Dad? I'll try not to get crumbs in your bed.') he explained the rules of Name That Ant! and we played several rounds. All of which I lost. 

It's a very difficult game, and unlike Top Trumps: Ants! you can't really guess. I'll ask him whether it's alright for me to show you how to play tomorrow…

W told me that he would be cooking Dinner for me tonight (Lasagne, his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua's secret recipe) and he'd bought me a special bottle of beer which we could share this afternoon.

I asked him whether Antony had given him anything for Fathers' Day — he said he didn't know yet because everyone else was still asleep.

Wilson how has his own Appreciation Society here: http://tinyurl.com/oloj6ck

The Power of Positive Thought!

Wilson is still in very high spirits, sitting in the garden with his crayons and his friends, working on his new ant-related game. 

I can't help thinking it's the 'ant-related' bit that's holding his games back, but what do I know?

Polly-B is out there too, just keeping a responsible motherly eye on everyone and making sure no-one gets glued to the patio. 

Or each other. 

Or tries glue-sniffing. 

More bad news…

Yesterday wasn't a brilliant day for Wilson, what with him missing seeing the mole through being in the ER at the Hospital, then being given what he thought was a photograph of the mole, but turned out to be just an accidental snap of Antony. 

But he accepted it all with great equanimity, I thought, saying that Antony had only been trying to help, and in any case it was quite a good picture, if a bit blurry. 

This morning, however, he received some more bad news — a "Cease And Desist" letter from someone claiming to represent the Top Trumps Company saying that Wilson was not allowed to sell his Top Trumps: Ants game without their permission.

I thought this would be the last straw for poor old Wilson, but he took it extremely well, saying, 'Top Trumps is so 1970s anyway — I've just had an idea for a much better game!'

Wildlife photography

Wilson turned to Antony. 'You took a photograph of the mole? You clever, clever lad! Then all perhaps is not lost — I shall still see the little guy!' Relief spread across his furry face.

'Um, it didn't turn out very well…' Antony explained, hesitantly.

'Nonsense!' Wilson rejoined, 'I'm sure it's splendid. I shall have it framed and hang it in the Living Room!'

'No, it really isn't very good…' Antony continued, as he went into the kitchen to fetch the photograph.

Returning a few minutes later, he handed Wilson a Polaroid.

'Oh!' Wilson exclaimed, 'It's very out of focus, but I can still just make him out. He looks a lot like you, Antony!'

Antony shuffled from foot to foot, before admitting, 'That's because it is me, I hoped you wouldn't notice. The camera went off unexpectedly, while I was looking through the wrong end of the viewfinder…'

Good news… Bad news…

When we returned home from the Hospital, everyone was out on the front drive to greet us. Wilson assumed this was because they'd been worried about him, so he climbed out of the car to assure them that he was fully recovered, but before he could say anything Johnson Major called out to him, 'We've seen the mole!'

W ran into the back garden, followed by the rest of the family, but when he arrived at the mole-hills there was no mole to be seen.

'Where is he then?' he asked, 'Where's the mole?'

Polly explained that the earth had started moving and another molehill had gradually appeared, then after a couple of minutes a tiny mole had popped his head out of the top of the new hill.

'Yes, and?' Wilson urged, circling his paw in a 'hurry up, talk faster' gesture.

'Well, he was very nice!' Polly assured W, 'but he said he couldn't stay. He said he had things to do…'

'Is he coming back?' W asked, hopefully.

'He didn't mention it, so I think not. But he did say he was sorry to have missed you!' 

Polly tried to sound reassuring, but W was beyond consolation. 

'I took his photo!' Antony piped up.

Accident and Emergency

Just in case the mole made another appearance, Wilson insisted that everyone come and keep watch on the molehills while we went to A&E to have his megaphone removed. 

Once everybody had gathered in the garden and been briefed on what to do in the event of a mole-sighting, W and I made yet another trip to the Village Hospital, with yet another embarrassing injury. Wilson must be getting a bit of a reputation with the staff there…

We saw the Triage Nurse as soon as we arrived, then after a bit of a wait, during which time I poked a series of inappropriate snacks from the hospital vending machine into the end of the megaphone, we saw the ER Doctor.

After questioning us about W's mishap, he produced a long feather from his desk drawer and introduced the tickly end into the megaphone. After a good deal of snuffling, Wilson gave an enormous sneeze and the megaphone flew off his nose.

On the way home we called in to Peacocks to buy him a replacement sun hat!

Sun hat mishap...

While I had no objection to Wilson staying in the garden to watch for the mole, I was worried about him getting sunburned, so I told him he could remain outside only if he wore his sun hat. 

Since he no longer trusted Uncle Zoltan, I promised to keep vigil until he returned, promising to call him if there was any mole-related activity.

W ran off into the house for his sun hat, but was gone for quite a long time. 

When he finally emerged, he was wearing not his sun hat but his megaphone!

'I couldn't find my hat, New Dad, so I improvised with this,' he said.

I agreed that it would certainly provide excellent sun protection, but wondered whether he could actually see anything.

'Not really.' he replied, 'Also, it's just slightly stuck on my head...'

Wilson takes a snooze

Wilson flinched but said nothing. His unratified Decoration has been a source of distress to him for years now, but I think he's starting to accept that his OBE may never be recognised by The Royal Family. Or anyone else, for that matter.

After a bit of snorting, he settled down to watch the molehill keeping completely still and silent — neither of which states come naturally to him. 

While he stared intently at the heap of earth his eyelids became heavier and began to droop, his breathing grew slower, deeper... deeper, until he began to drift away…

Suddenly he awoke with a start and beheld: another molehill!

'What happened?' he asked.

'Well, the mole built another molehill — he's a busy little fellow!' Uncle Z chuckled.

'But you didn't wake me?' W demanded in a tone of disbelief.

'You were sleeping so soundly, I thought the rest would do you good,' the elderly bee (or wasp, or hornet, or whatever he is) replied. 

Wilson stamped around the garden for a few minutes to ensure he was wide awake and fully alert, before returning to his long mole-watching vigil.

Birthday Honours List

'Moles?' Wilson repeated, 'What's "Moles"?'

Uncle Z gave a derisory snort. 'You are a city boy, aren't you!' he observed. 'Moles is little furry things that scuttle about underground in tunnels.'

W turned to me and announced that he wanted, no needed, a pet mole. It is apparently the one thing he has always most wanted in the world (after being a millionaire, presumably).

I considered for a moment and told him I couldn't see any harm in it, as long as no cages were involved. The mole must live in the garden and be free to leave when he wants.

'Brilliant!' W shouted, 'I'm going to have a mole! Where is he?'

'He's down under there somewhere,' Uncle Z replied. 'You'll have to wait quietly and watch. Can you do "quietly"? I've never seen any evidence of it.'

Wilson sat stock still with his eyes fixed on the mole hill.

'Oh, by the way,' Uncle Z added as an afterthought, 'You're not in the Queen's Birthday Honours List. Again. I checked the Court Circular this morning.'

The Periodic Table

'Aah yes, the... um, Periodic Table of Ants!' Wilson replied, 'It's progressing well and will be a boon to mankind and science!'

'That's good to hear,' I said, 'because I was hoping we could take that ghastly "secrecy curtain" down soon and resto…'

Wilson cut me off: 'Out of the question, I'm afraid!' before deftly changing the subject.

'What on earth is that on the lawn?'

He ran over to a loose pile of soil and regarded it suspiciously.

'It looks like an Asteroid Crater!' he announced, 'We must prepare for imminent catastrophe — everyone to the Asteroid Shelter!'

Uncle Zoltan strolled out on to his balcony and observed sardonically, "That's no asteroid! You've got Moles, my boy. Moles.'

Not Quite Sport

Today I found just about the whole family out in the garden, all playing Top Trumps: Ants. There was little or no arguing, and everybody seemed to be enjoying themselves. 

I was almost surprised not to find Uncle Zoltan out there too, saying 'That's not how we played Top Trumps when I was a boy!' but it's probably too sunny for him.

This isn't exactly the Outdoor Exercise that Wilson's psychiatrist recommended, but it's good to see him getting some sunshine and fresh air.

Between hands, while the cards were being shuffled, I interrupted to ask W how his Periodic Table of Ants was coming along.

He frowned with blank eyes, as if racking his memory...

http://youtu.be/3XvG-IxEURU

Top Trumps

Wilson has now finished designing his special Top Trumps Ants game. This morning he printed out a full deck and challenged me to a game. 

By the time he'd beaten me seven times straight he'd concluded that my ant knowledge was just about non-existent and that I'm a slow learner. 

Both of these observations are probably fair comment, but I had come to a different conclusion: that this might not be the best Top Trumps game to sell to humans — I can't see this making him the £1Million he so desperately needs… 

http://youtu.be/3XvG-IxEURU

Satori

Around 4am today, Wilson had a moment of Satori, of Enlightenment, of Clarity! 

Honestly, I'd have been just as happy if he hadn't woken me up to share it with me, but it's done now. Anyway, his idea was to post his video to YouTube. 

'That's the place to go Viral, New Dad!' he told me, with rather more enthusiasm than I could handle at that time of day…

By breakfast his video had been up on YouTube for four hours and still hadn't gone viral. Wilson said that 'Going Viral' is taking much longer than he'd expected, so he's starting another project before he gets bored: Top Trump Ants!

He settled down at the kitchen table with his Ant Reference Books and crayons and set to work.

Wilson's Music Video is now on YouTube, so EVERYBODY should be able to see and hear it, including iPad users! 

http://youtu.be/3XvG-IxEURU

Fly-posting

Wilson was up and about early this morning — he popped into the village to fly-post some posters for his record and music video. I'm so afraid he'll get into trouble for this one day, but he just tells me that I worry too much.

He's gone off his first poster a bit and designed a new one in bright yellow. There's a copy of it attached, and he says that if you all print out and display a copy it would make him very happy. 

Also it would save me quite a lot in printer ink...

Catch the music and the video free at: http://tinyurl.com/ow57g73