Driving to Norfolk

It's been a good drive up to Norfolk, broken only by numerous 'comfort breaks' and visits to motorway service station shops and snack bars.

One of Wilson's purchases was a Magic Tree car air freshener. I hung it from the mirror, but W kept reading and re-reading the packet it came from. 

Just before we crossed the border into Norfolk, while stationary in traffic, W turned to me and asked whether I thought Anteater air-fresheners for cars would be popular.

'Well, a cute cardboard anteater hanging from the mirror would look nice!' I said. 'What would it smell of?'

'Anteaters!' he replied.

We're off!

We're all packed and ready to go; Diesel the Goldfish has been left with our next-door neighbours and the Bees, Polly- and Billi-B will be looking after everyone else.

I hope we haven't forgotten anything. I doubt Wilson has, because his suitcases are stuffed to bursting point — he must surely have packed everything he owns!

So, next stop Norfolk! 

Unless, as usual, I'm persuaded by W to stop for snacks at every motorway service station we pass…

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Wilson has loaded his suitcases into the car ready for our departure on holiday. 

Antony and Tiny Toy are at pains to make themselves obvious, so they don't get left behind. 

If by some misfortune they were to be overlooked, I do realise — no matter how far we'd travelled — Wilson would make me drive back to collect them!

He is a very responsible parent.

Holidays are coming…

Wilson was very keen to continue working on his Music To Watch Eclipses By project today. I told him that the next total eclipse wouldn't be until 2026 — and that visible only from Iceland — but he was caught up in composing the music and didn't want to break his concentration.

However, when I pointed out that now I had finished the redecoration of the hall we could go on holiday as soon as he was ready, he immediately ran off to fetch his suitcases.

Within an hour W pronounced himself 'Good to go!' and Antony and Tiny Toy stationed themselves on top of his packing to avoid any danger of being left behind.

W then walked around the house announcing, 'Wheels up in thirty!' to anyone who would listen.

I think he may be watching too much Criminal Minds… 

Music to Eclipse By

This morning I found Wilson in the kitchen humming tunelessly. 

'What's up, matey?' I asked him.

'I had a totes brill idea in the night!' he replied earnestly. 'I was thinking about the Eclipse, and I thought to myself, "What would make an eclipse even more pleasurable? And make me some money?"'

He waited for me to respond. I considered for a moment before replying, 'Clear skies?'

'My idea will make eclipses more exciting and pleasurable even if there's total cloud cover!' he said. 'I present: Music to Watch Eclipses By!'

He held up a CD for me to see. 

'This is blank Proof of Concept CD at the moment because I haven't composed the music yet. It will be quite Ambienty, and I shall play it on my spoons and kazoo — I'm just composing it now.'

'Oh!' I said, nonplussed.

'But that's not all,' he continued. He nudged Antony who held up a round chocolate biscuit with a single bite taken from it. 'There are also Eclipse Snacks!'

Letter from Home

Wilson rose late today owing to a slight (ie massive) overindulgence of chocolate yesterday left him feeling a tiny bit, as he puts it, 'Uncle Dick'. He assures me that a hearty breakfast of fried ants will be just the thing to put him back on his paws — but I shall probably steer clear of the kitchen while that's happening…

He has received a letter from his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, wishing him a Happy Easter, advising him that he has another seven half-siblings, and enquiring whether Kenneth Byron Eustace Vermilingua (W's young stepbrother who came to stay with us a while ago) could holiday with us again. 

W got on really well with little Byron, and it was lovely for him to have another anteater to do anteaterly things with, so he's going to write back and say he'd be welcome to visit during the summer holidays.

Summer holidays at the zoo are always a particularly trying time for Mrs V, due to the oppressive heat and increased visitor numbers. Mrs V. doesn't like visitors.

Easter Egg Hunt

At long last Chocolate Day has dawned, with everybody assembling in the garden for the Great Easter Egg Hunt. Within minutes everyone was running around frantically searching for hidden eggs. 

Polly was concerned that one of the children might be injured, but Billi told her they'd be fine, pointing out that all children have to graze their knees, get trapped on a few fly-papers and swallow some pesticides — it's just a natural part of growing up.

To my surprise, even Uncle Zoltan turned up with some eggs he had painted himself and which he handed out to the youngsters! 

You may notice that Diesel the Goldfish is absent — Wilson thought the sun might be bad for him, so he dropped an egg into his goldfish bowl and left him indoors in the shade. 

Unlike many humans, W is quite a responsible pet owner!

My Stash is Raided!

Wilson has raided my Secret Stash of Easter Eggs — I found him this morning in the garden with all the Easter Eggs I'd bought for him and the children!

When I asked what he thought he was doing, he said he was hiding the eggs for tomorrow's Easter Egg Hunt — because I am apparently rubbish at hiding things, due to me always choosing obvious hiding places.

I protested that I was actually a good and ingenious hider, but he raised one eyebrow and replied, 'I found your Secret Easter Egg Stash, didn't I?'

'I won't be much fun for you tomorrow will it?' I said. 'You'll already know where all the eggs are!'

'They will be SO well hidden'' he replied, 'that by tomorrow I shall have totes forgotten where I've put them!'

He may be right — I'm always doing that with the TV remote and my keys, and they're not even hidden!

Chocolate Egg Day. Not.

I was woken before dawn this morning by the sound of Wilson rooting round under my bed with a torch. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was on his Easter Egg Hunt.

I hauled him out and explained that he didn't get any eggs until Sunday, not Good Friday.

He looked very disappointed, and said he'd thought that was why it was called GOOD Friday: because of the chocolate. Actually, he looked so downcast that I relented and gave him an early Mini-Egg just to cheer him up. 

He went off happily enough, saying that he was going to share his egg with the children then plan his Easter Weekend — which will probably involve a lot of cocoa solids in one form or another, not to mention ants…

Business Card Printing

Wilson  has designed and printed a short run of his Consulting Detective business cards, and today he revealed the design. He says he's printed just a few thousand to sound out interest before he has what he calls 'a proper print run' professionally printed.

If a few thousand is just 'a short run', goodness knows how many 'a proper print run' might be!

He watched DCI Banks on TV last night and remarked that police officers have to mix with a lot of very unsavoury characters, but he's sure that a Consulting Detective will meet 'a better class of criminal.'

Actually, he's started calling the lawbreakers 'crims' or 'perps'… or even (though I disapprove) 'scrotes'!

The Bill, although greatly missed, does have a lot to answer for…

____________

Wilson also sends Get Well Soon wishes to his one-time love, Ms Joni Mitchell, who has been taken seriously poorly.

Health and Safety

P+B [in unison]: 'Hello! We are The Bees, Polly-B and Billi-B, and this is our guest blog!'

P: 'Today I want to say just two words to you: "Health and Safety".'

B: 'That's three words.'

P: 'I wasn't counting the "and".'

B: I think you should have!'

P: 'It doesn't signify.'

B: 'Nevertheless.'

P: 'We'll discuss it later. Anyway, you will be aware that Wilson recently suffered a nasty injury when he got his sniffer stuck in a megaphone, so I want to tell you one thing: BE VERY CAREFUL when using a megaphone. Don't get anything stuck in it!'

B: 'That's two things!'

P: 'Whatever! Johnson Minor, come out of there or you might get stuck!'

P+B [in unison]: 'Today's guest blog was brought to you by The Bees! Take care and we'll see you next month!'

Consulting Detective

It has occurred to Wilson that he will never be a millionaire just by drawing a salary, so before throwing in his lot with the Sussex Police Force he's decided to see whether being a Private Detective would pay better — and indeed whether anyone would consult him.

To this end he's designing himself a Business Card along the lines of that greatest of all Consulting Detectives, Mr Sherlock Holmes, which he intends to hand out while we're away on our holidays in order to assess the possible demand for his services.

He is under strict instructions from me not to light his meerschaum pipe in any circumstances!

Convalescence

Now that Wilson's sniffer has finally been released from the end of his megaphone he has gone into 'recuperation' mode, ie watching TV while being waited on.

He's watching a lot of Lewis, DCI Banks and Vera, having decided that he might be a detective when he grows up. Or failing that, a TV detective. 

He's told me he'd like to be 'Vermilingua Of The Yard' with a Sargeant like DS Hathaway from Lewis. Or DI Helen Morton, who is played by Caroline Katz — she also plays Louisa Glasson in Doc Martin, and W has a bit of a crush on her.

He's got the children saying things like, 'We're totes baffled — we must send for Vermilingua of the Yard!'

A&E

What with his concentrating on the recent Solar Eclipse, Wilson has been caught out by the start of British Summer Time today. On the plus side, this means we've not all had to endure weeks of him plugging his automatic Daylight-Saving invention, the WASTE MkII Clock.

However, back in the so-called Big Brother House it turns out my REAL Secret Mission for today was getting Wilson to the Accident and Emergency unit of the village hospital without anyone seeing. 

He was extremely embarrassed to have got his nose stuck tight in his megaphone.

Secret Task

My Secret Task from Big Brother turned out to be to finish painting without complaining, so we can go on holiday.

In fact, while Wilson had been planning for and recovering from the Eclipse I pretty much finished the re-decorating anyway, so it wasn't too difficult. 

My next Secret Task is to pack for the holidays...

Big Brother

I don't wear many 'Label' clothes, but I was surprised to find this morning when I opened my wardrobe that all my clothes had Gaffer Tape stuck over any visible logos. 

I was even more surprised to hear a VERY loud voice coming from downstairs, announcing: 'This is Big Brother — Will New Dad assemble in the kitchen immediately!'

When I arrived I found Wilson addressing me through a megaphone.

'Hello New Dad!' he shouted, 'Big Brother has noticed that you've been looking a bit glum lately, so I've decided to pretend you're in Big Brother on TV — it will be fun and will cheer you up! I have a Secret Task for you…' 

Recycling

I'm a pretty resolute Recycler, but today I made an exception with a recent copy of New Scientist Magazine. It's the one with a big feature about Head Transplants and with instructions for carrying out experiments in your kitchen.

One of its projects explained how to build a Large Hadron Collider using a salad spinner, tin foil and an HT unit from a dismantled air conditioner. I would have thought this would inevitably be a Small Hadron Collider, but I'm not an expert.

Whatever the details, though, I didn't want Wilson upset by talk of Head Transplants, and I didn't want him experimenting with HT units either, so while he played in the garden I snuck this particular copy out to the dustbin for landfill. 

I apologise to the environment, but it was necessary!

Dymo addendum...

Wilson is enormously proud of the Blue Plaque which he persuaded the Mayor to have placed on the front wall of our house, and he thought today would be a good day to update his achievements listed on it.

Rather than impose the cost of a new plaque on the ratepayers of Uckfield, he has used his Dymo Labelmaker as a temporary solution…

2015 Eclipse Blues

Wilson has written a 12-Bar Blues to celebrate the recent Solar Eclipse. He calls it his '2015 Eclipse Blues' and today he sang it to everyone:

   Woke up this morning

   Moon came in front of the sun

   Yes I woke up this morning

   And the moon was in front of the sun

   It was dark for a moment

   But now it's all over and done.

   Oh yeah! 

Thankyouverymuch!

Happy Eclipsmas, everyone!

Uncle Zoltan Has Left The Building! Oh...

W sang this quite quickly as he was worried about missing Judge Rinder on afternoon tv… he is an anteater with clear priorities.

Eclipse debrief

Once the eclipse was deemed to have concluded, everyone headed back into the house to watch the eclipse again on TV. There we were able to see what we would have seen if we'd been under clear skies in the Shetland Islands… rather than under heavy cloud in Uckfield.

It was interesting to get such a good view of the total eclipse, although since everyone — at Wilson's insistence — was still wearing their goggles ('just to be on the safe side') it was quite difficult to make anything out.

As W explained to me later, when it comes to eclipses, you can't be too careful. 'Health and Safety have to be our watchwords, New Dad!'