Party time!

This weekend Wilson will be helping me sell my photos at the Uckfield Art Trail… though I'm not certain 'help' is the right word. 

He's very excited as tonight is the Launch Party, and he likes parties… but I've a feeling he's expecting jelly and ice-cream and games. I'd better try to lower his expectations before we set off.

It's at the Uckfield Civic Centre, if you fancy coming along. Lots of my photos, lots of other people's paintings and stuff, but probably no jelly, ice-cream or games. 

http://uckfieldarttrail.co.uk/

Is it armed, I wonder?

Wilson's robot is big - its antennae brush the ceiling. 

It's sinister and makes a scary noise as it walks. 

It reminds me of the ED-209 in Robocop, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if it had concealed artillery. How can it be so massive, when the kits it was built from came out of two little cardboard boxes? 

Maybe it would be less scary if it had a friendly name. I asked W what it was called and he said he was open to suggestions but at present it was the WTBBR-1. He explained that this stood for Wilson's Teddy Bear Building Robot, but I was more concerned by the '-1' bit, which suggested to me that this was just the first in a series and there may be more robots to come.

In an effort to sound positive, I admired the bear WTBBR-1 had made. W then confessed there are still some bugs in the program and he made that bear himself. Out of a cushion in the living room. 

I finally get to meet the robot

Wilson has been thinking about how nice Uckfield's current mayor is, how kind and friendly he was towards W during the Freedom of Uckfield ceremony etc, and now he has decided it would be unfair to run against him. 

He put it to me that he 'couldn't bear to see the mayor in a queue at the DSS, because he'd probably never get another job. I expect Mayoring is all he knows!' 

Once W had made his decision about not running for mayor, he proceeded to bring his robot in to the house to meet me. 

It is bigger than I expected. MUCH bigger.

Robot put on hold

I was preparing myself to meet Wilson's robot for the first time when W ran in, very excited, from the Museum where he had been making the 'final adjustments' to his mechanical man. He told me he had been listening to Uckfield FM while he worked, and heard them talking about a town in Alaska that has a cat as its mayor.

I thought W must be mistaken, but together we Googled the story, and guess what we found: http://tinyurl.com/bvy6ovp

The robot will be staying in the shed for a little while longer while W researches whether non-human mayors are legal in England, and plans his election campaign. 

Robot latest

It's been a lot of work, but Wilson has finally completed his teddy-bear-building robot! I've barely seen him for the last few days as he's been labouring away at it in the Museum of Old Stuff building. I've taken food and drink out to him there, but I've not been allowed to see the completed robot. 

W says he will walk the android into the house tomorrow, and then I will be allowed to behold it in all its robotic glory. 

Big head.

Wilson has made a full-size papier-mâché model of one of his proposed Easter Island Heads. He said he wanted to 'get a feel for how it will look.' 

How it looks is: Enormous. Huge. Gargantuan. Monstrous. 

It is so massive that it would have looked out of place at the Hampton Court Flower Show. It totally overpowers my lovely little garden, but W is not listening to me; he just goes on about what a huge attraction it will be for his Charity Garden Open Day.  

Seeing that I have some reservations, W tries to console me by saying that 'the papier-mâché model doesn't really give you the full effect,' and it will look 'much better and totally authentic' when it's been cast in concrete. 

Strangely, this doesn't altogether reassure me.

The robot's psyche

You'd be surprised how many good programmes there are on BBC2. It's just that I'd like the opportunity to watch some other channels, or use Sky+, before the replacement remote control arrives from Amazon. 

Wilson, however, is adamant: he's built the remote circuit board into his Teddy-Bear-Building Robot, and it's staying there. Removing it is apparently 'unthinkable' as it would 'damage the robot's psyche'. 

I fear this robot isn't going to be a mere machine… I do hope Wilson isn't heading for another existential crisis like the one he suffered after watching 'Moon'…

A problem with the tv

Wilson has just asked me whether I wanted to watch the Wimbledon final or the Formula 1 this afternoon. I replied that I'd probably choose the tennis. Picking up the remote control he switched the tv to BBC2… then started to dismantle the remote! 

Shocked, I asked what he was doing and he said that he 'needed' the works out of the remote for his robot, and he'd order a replacement on Amazon 'soon'; we would 'probably' have it by mid week.

Twizzy

Yesterday's Wimbledon semifinal was so tense that even Wilson managed to stay awake for (most of) it! He'd suddenly jerk awake and shout, 'Come on Andy!' 

While waiting for Sunday's final, he's gone back to working on his robot. 

Here's another photo of him at the Chelsea Flower Show where, in spite of its silly name, he was very taken by the new Renault Twizzy, and I have a feeling I know what he'll be wanting next Christmas…

D'oh! I can't believe I've just mentioned Christmas!

Hampton Court Flower Show

Phew! Sorry I didn't post yesterday, but Wilson's main birthday present to me was two tickets to Hampton Court Flower Show! 

Had a lovely day, but when we got home we were both exhausted - I carried W out of the car and popped him straight into his bed in the tumble dryer, put the plants we'd bought into the garden then went to bed, where I slept 11 hours straight! 

The tickets were a complete surprise as they hadn't shown up on my VISA statement, but W confessed that he'd been given them by a friend of his, Richard, who is a gardener and had a couple of spares. 

I have to say, Wilson certainly knows how to spend! Almost everything he saw, he HAD to buy for his Charity Garden Open Day… and guess whose plastic he put it all on!

Happy Birthday to Me!

I've had a lovely day so far.

Wilson gave me what I thought was a copy of his novel '50 Sheds of Grey' but when I opened it I found was actually a copy of Dr Brian Cox's 'The Quantum Universe: Everything that Can Happen Does Happen'. I expect we'll read that together, as I might need W's razor-sharp intellect to help me with some of the concepts. 

He also gave me an enormous package which, when opened revealed another package and so on, Russian-Doll style, until I finally opened the tiniest box imaginable which was labelled in W's handwriting, 'Higgs Boson Presentation Gift Set'. W promised me that the box is 'stuffed full of' Higgs Bosons, and I should be careful not to spill them when I open it. I guess I'd need a LHC to see whether it really is full of Higgs Bosons, but at least, as of today, it could be!

Birthday lunch was delicious, with a special Ant-and-Redcurrant Sauce that W has been working to perfect for days. I think he still has a little fine-tuning to go… but the noodles and the mushrooms were perfect!

W says that I will receive my main present tomorrow, and we'll need the car. Mysterious - I hope I can sleep tonight with the anticipation. I also hope Wilson doesn't think he'll be doing any of the driving…

Plot adjustment

I suggest to Wilson that perhaps his novel could do with a little romance, a soupçon of love interest; the original book is, after all, described as 'mummy-porn'. He grumbles about the purity of his plot being spoiled, but grudgingly consents to add a girl anteater to the story. 

'She is poor and ragged, a delicate creature,' he explains, 'befriended by me, um, I mean by the handsome hero, and her gamine beauty gradually emerges as she helps with the painting.'

'Might they get engaged, marry and have a litter of adorable baby anteaters?' I asked.

'Poof! Some chance!' W replies, dismissively. 'There might be a bit of cuddling, but she won't be a major character, and there certainly won't be any babies!'

The Plot

Wilson has just outlined the plot of 'Fifty Sheds of Grey' to me:

A young anteater, poor but exceptionally intelligent and good-looking(!), converts his stepfather's garden shed into a museum. This is such a success that he buys a further 49 garden sheds, all of which form annexes to the museum, and he paints them all grey. 

As plots go it doesn't sound enthralling, but I suppose it's all down to the quality of the writing. Anyway, W's aim is for it to be bought by mistake by embarrassed or confused shoppers hoping to buy '50 Shades of Gray'. 

Who knows? Perhaps it will work. Perhaps it will turn out to be a cult Christmas gift.

50 Sheds of Grey

I half expected to find that Wilson had ordered six tons of Readymix for his Easter Island Head project, but he remained in bed in the tumbledryer until late today. When I went to wake him, I found he was already hard at work with his (ie my) iPad, tapping away at the keyboard.

I asked him how he was, and he said he must not be disturbed as he was working on a 'brilliant idea'. When I pressed him on this, he said he was writing a blockbuster novel that was 'certain to outsell Harry Potter. It's called "Fifty Sheds of Grey". People who are embarrassed about buying the "50 Shades of Gray" book will buy it by mistake!'

'Hmm…' I responded. The original book is a very racy 'Adult' novel - is that what you're writing?'

'Give me a break!' he replied, 'I'm only five! What do I know about that stuff?'

I'm sure he'll tell me what it's about eventually. I'll bring him some coffee and choc-ant cookies in bed and try to get him talking about it…

An idea too far...

Wilson has shown me an article in National Geographic about the giant Easter Island heads… and his 'brilliant idea' is to construct some full-size replica heads in the garden. In time for his Charity Open Day. Full size -- they're enormous! He says he's certain they would draw visitors from all over the country.

When W first came to live with me, his brief was clear: to rid my garden of ants. No more, no less. Funny how things turn out… 

Reason prevails

I've persuaded Wilson not to build his tennis-viewing hill until next year at the earliest because it would disrupt his Charity Garden Open Day: instead of a gorgeous spectacle of flowers the garden would look like a building site.

W agreed that this was a sensible idea, but hurried off to get the National Geographic magazine which arrived yesterday. There's something in it he wants to show me. 

Already I fear the worst...

Wilson's new money-making scheme

Yesterday Wilson noticed Wimbledon's Henman Hill for the first time. He asked me why crowds of people were sitting there just watching the tennis on a big TV, when the real matches were being played only a few feet away. I explained what it was about, and he got the sort of 'thoughtful' look which never bodes well.

This morning he announced that he was going to build a big hill in the garden and nail our plasma screen to a nearby tree. 

I told W that I didn't think people would pay to sit on a hill in our garden when they could sit in the comfort of their own homes and watch the tennis.

'No,' he replied, 'The beauty of the plan is that we let them in for nothing, then sell them delicious ant-based snacks and cocktails. If it rains, we sell them souvenir umbrellas. And if the tennis gets boring, we change the channel and show re-runs of Frasier or The Jeremy Kyle Show or…' he beamed, 'Titanic: The Film: The DVD! It will be like a drive-in. I shall call the hill Vermilingua's Volcano!' 

A painful realisation

Yesterday afternoon, Wilson had a revelation, a satori insight, a light-bulb moment: the Wimbledon singles winner receives £1,000,000. He immediately ran off to the Museum of Old Stuff to look for a tennis racquet. 

An hour later he returned, empty-pawed and wearing a disappointed expression. 'I couldn't stay awake for the length of even a three-set singles match,'  he admitted. 'I couldn't even stay awake long enough to find a tennis racquet in the Museum. I am doomed by my genes never to win a million at Wimbledon.'

I seem to recall we went through exactly the same thing this time a year ago, so I don't think he'll stay downhearted for too long.

Wimbledon fortnight

As a member of the Sloth family, Wilson is not especially athletic. However, he spent most of yesterday afternoon watching (ie dozing in front of) Wimbledon on the tv. 

He's not greatly interested in the tennis, but he does like to see how many 'Wilson' baseball caps and tennis racquets he can spot!

Progress with the robot

Building the robot is proving more difficult than Wilson anticipated. (ANT-icipated - ha ha! Did you see what I did there?!) This morning I found loads of cereal and some frozen tray meals emptied over the kitchen floor. 

W explained that he needed more cardboard boxes and some thin sheet aluminium for the robot. I asked whether he was intending to clear up the mess and he said he was 'quite busy' at the moment, but if I left everything where it was he expected the ants would take care of it.