Birthday tea

Tea yesterday was a quiet affair attended by Birthday Boy Wilson, Diesel the Goldfish, Antony the Toy Anteater and me. 

After tea, we went to see Oliver! at the theatre - W's first experience of a live performance! Pictures of that tomorrow...

Birthday Boy!

WILSON'S BIRTHDAY!

Up shortly before dawn, woken by a very excited Wilson! His presents included a stripey top, two robot construction kits and a toy electric car. He's wearing his top now, and playing with his car; he's decided to leave the robot kits until he's a bit less overexcited, lest he lose some of the parts.

He received birthday cards from his family (I'd written to Mrs Vermilingua telling her the date of Boo's Official Birthday) … and from the secret admirer who previously sent W a Valentine's Day card. 

Inside this mysterious card, the writer said that she'd really enjoyed the Titanic: The Film red-carpet premier - who can she be?

Antony learns of his past and his future...

Wilson has spent the whole day so far practicing and developing his 'gift' by giving Antony numerous Psychic Readings. He's told him about his previous lives and predicted great things for his future.

Poor Antony - his little kapok-filled head must be spinning!

Séance...

Wilson has just given me a psychic reading. He drew the curtains and sat me in the now semi-darkened living room, welcomed me to the séance then started pacing up and down.

'I'm getting an "S"' he said. 'Does that mean anything to anyone here? Anyone in this [gesturing towards me] part of the room? Anyone at all?' 

He fixed me with a penetrating stare, and reluctantly I raised my hand and said, 'Yes.'

'Your supposed to jump up shout, "Yes, it's my dad!" New Dad - that's how cold reading works!' he admonished me, testily.

'You already know it's my dad. You know everything about him. We've talked about him,' I objected.

'Well he has a message for you,' W continued, unfazed. 'He says he is very happy on the other side. Okay, now I'm getting a "T". Anyone?'

This puzzled me. I don't know anyone starting with a T, so I kept my hand firmly down and said nothing.

W then went down onto all fours, waved his tail in the air and started speaking in a funny voice. At first he miaowed like a cat, then in a squeaky tone he said, 'I apologise for the incident with the goldfish.'

Then he straightened up and staggered around for a bit looking dazed, before asking me, 'What happened? Did I say anything?'

'You crawled on the floor and made cat noises' I told him.

'Ah, my Spirit Guide tells me that I was possessed by your first cat, Timmy. He is very happy in the Spirit Realm, and there are plenty of mice. Please don't worry about him.'

I assured W that I would definitely not worry about the long-dead Timmy.

I really can't see people paying good money to watch this tosh, but W is confident. As always. 

And I have to admit… he's no worse than Derek Acorah!

Wilson Yodafies his speech...

Wilson has decided that the way forward is Psychic Mediumship, and has ordered some books about Cold Reading from Amazon. Once he's read them he plans to take his Psychic Roadshow on tour.

He has never seen any of the Star Wars movies, but the current Vodafone TV ads show Yoda, and W thinks that Yoda's speech patterns would strike the right note of inscrutability to his so-called psychic communications from beyond the grave. To this end, he practices it constantly to make himself fluent.  Annoying it is, very. Stop it, make him I must. Myself, doing it I am, D'oh!

Reality hits...

Wilson is a bit down today. He hasn't heard back from any of the Hollywood Executives to which he'd offered Titanic: The Film, and he's admitted that it will have to be a straight-to-DVD release. Henceforth, he told me, it will be known as Titanic: The Film: The DVD. Right now he's busy with his box of crayons designing a disk label and case wrapper for it.

It's not long until his birthday, though -- I hope that gives him something to look forward to and will cheer him up!

The Premiere!

Last night, Wilson held his Red Carpet Premiere for Titanic: The Film. All of Uckfield's glitterati were in attendance: The Mayor, Antony, a rather ill-mannered reporter from the Uckfield Examiner (who complained constantly and loudly about the refreshments) and some curious onlookers. 

W told me that James Cameron had sent his apologies (although that seems a little unlikely) and Downing Street had asked why David Cameron hadn't received an invitation. I'm sorry there wasn't time to invite you, but it had perforce to be a last-minute arrangement before the management of The Picture House got wind of it.

As promised generous portions of ant-based snacks and Ant Wine were provided, and W signed a lot of autographs for the hospital A&E nurses and doctors as he kindly accompanied some of the guests to the hospital while they had their stomachs pumped. 

A new career move?

Yesterday Wilson saw a poster advertising a psychic medium. He was very interested in the concept, and last night he asked me whether it's genuine, as he'd like to speak with his Great Great […] Grandfather, Alberto Victor Gutiérrez-López. 

I explained to him why I think psychic mediumship is not a genuine phenomenon but merely a clever con trick… and how I think it's done. 

Far from being disappointed that he can't speak to his ancestor, W is delighted, as he's sure this is something he can do. 

Wilson Vermilingua The Psychic Anteater.

Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. 

Final preparations

Wilson has been fine-tuning his plans for the Red Carpet Premiere of Titanic: The Film. He has sent invitations to the Mayor of Uckfield, James Cameron (not David!), all the movers and shakers in the local Arts scene and (in spite of the recent unpleasantness when they accused him in print of being a sheep rustler) the local press. He tells me that there will be ant-based snacks a-plenty, and the Ant Wine will flow like water.

It should be quite an event!

Polling Station confusion

Ant Wars II:

Wilson has never struck me as a very political animal, so I was quite surprised this morning when he asked me to give him a lift to the Polling Station. 

There are three problems to this:
   1) he is not registered to vote;
   2) I'm not sure anteaters can register to vote and;
   3) there are no elections in our district today. 

But I was curious to know why W wanted to vote. I asked him about it, and he told me that he wanted to cast his vote for 'that nice Mr Cameron'. 

I was deeply shocked as I'd always assumed that, in spite of his capitalist tendencies, if anything W would be a bit of a socialist. 

After some discussion it emerged that there was some confusion in his mind between James Cameron (top film maker and W's hero) and David Cameron (posh bloke who doesn't know the price of milk). 

After we'd straightened that out, he said not to bother registering him to vote. 

Premiere preparations

Wilson's birthday draws ever closer. Although he'll be five, this will be his first ever birthday, so I want it to be a good one. I've bought him a few things, plus I'm planning a Big Surprise. W seems to respond well to big surprises, whereas I always regard them as cataclysmic tribulations!

W, meanwhile, is preparing for the Red Carpet Premiere of Titanic: The Film, even though there has been no interest shown by any of the many Hollywood executives he has approached. Now he says that an Art Cinema release would be altogether more appropriate anyway.

Tour Guide training programme

There is now nothing I don't know about my garden shed, its history and contents. It turns out that Wilson was not so much rehearsing giving his guided tours as training Antony and me to conduct them. 

I don't know what W is thinking of charging for entry to his Wilson Vermilingua OBE Museum of Old Stuff, but with all due respect, if Antony was my tour guide I would feel I had overpaid; Antony is, after all, only a small stuffed toy.

CHECK THIS OUT! 

What has Wilson Vermilingua OBE been doing this month? Have you missed anything? I've just uploaded the fourth monthly volume of Ant Wars II: APRIL 2012. 

Please tell all your friends, as it is Wilson's stated ambition for his life story to, as he puts it, "Go Totally Pandemic!". 

I think he means 'viral'.

You can download it or read it online at:

http://issuu.com/friendlydragon/docs/ant_wars_apr_2012

Guided tour

Wilson is waiting for several Hollywood executives to return his calls. He is also grounded for his fly-posting exploit. 

However, he is utilising his time at home profitably by rehearsing his tours of The Wilson Vermilingua OBE Museum of Old Stuff. 

He does this by repeatedly giving me and Antony(!) a guided tour of what used to be known simply as The Shed. By now, there is not much that I don't know about the history of the shed and its contents… but at least he is waiving the admission charges for Antony and me.

Fly-posting...

Wilson snuck out last night and fly-posted The Picture House with adverts for his film. He's hoping that once the cinema-going public sees the posters and becomes aware of his film there will be a groundswell of opinion demanding a showing of Titanic: The Film at local cinemas. 

Reluctantly, I've grounded him.

Review from Britain's leading film critic!

So far, Wilson has had no luck in arranging a distribution deal for his movie. However, a moment ago he ran in to see me, very excited, to say he was listening to 'the wireless' and has just heard Mark Kermode, preview Titanic: The Film! 

W told me his review went: 

'What can I say? Titanic: The Film is bizarre, but mercifully brief. At seven minutes it is the perfect length - even one minute longer would have been too much, a minute less and there would be little more than the opening title and the end credits. If, against all reason, you do find yourself watching this film, whatever you do, don't walk out before the end - you will be surprised by the ending'. 

I think this is a bit negative, but W is very pleased. He says the cinema posters will be able to quote Britain's leading film critic!

Birthday thoughts

Wilson's birthday is drawing near. I know what he'd really like is a low-cost Positronic Brain with a USB2 connection for his Bear-Building Robot… but even when that's finally invented I think it will be too expensive for a birthday gift! I keep finding diagrams like these all over the place, so W still thinks it's possible to make this a reality.

Also, if he ever does get to build his robot, he'll start to worry whether it is 'real' and sentient... I know this anteater too well...

Distribution deals

Wilson has just announced that the post-production phase of Titanic: The Film is now complete! I'm impressed - he really has put his heart and soul into this project.

I'd better make this quick because right now he's waiting impatiently to get on the iMac so he can Skype some Hollywood execs to arrange a distribution deal. 

I fear that this might be more difficult than he imagines…

iPad dispute

Wilson has asked me whether it would be okay to put my iPad in his Museum of Old Stuff. I asked whether he wanted it for showing old films on or something, and he said he wanted it as an exhibit! AN EXHIBIT! My iPad! 

I was outraged, but he pointed out that it is only an iPod 1 - since that came out there have been the iPad 2 and the New iPad. Mine didn't even have a Retina Display, and he intended to put it next to his display of printed books, a fountain pen, a school slate and a box of Cosmic Anti-Dust blackboard chalks. 

I put my foot down, telling him that not only was it perfectly fine, it also had great sentimental value to me and had a very special laser-engraved message on the back. 

W was a bit grumpy about this, but he did promise not to sneak it into the museum. I think he's just hinting that I should buy him a New iPad of his own.

By the by, here are some car stickers for you to print out and stick in your car windows to make your friends jealous. Go on, you know you want to!

Skip diving

Wilson's fiver apparently didn't go far at the Charity Shops, so now he's rummaging through skips. I really don't approve of this, and I think I'm going to have to put my foot down.

When he gets back he's planning to start work on the cinema tickets and 3D glasses for Titanic: The Film. I told him that I'd assumed the cinema or the film distributors would take care of that sort of thing, but he explained that he didn't want to leave anything to chance. 

Commemorative poster issued!

Wilson has decided to raise some money for his museum by issuing a limited-edition Titanic: The Film poster signed by the entire cast and crew. He tells me that this will be available from all good cinema memorabilia shops and also direct from him.

Before the money from this starts rolling in, I've given Wilson a fiver to take to the many local Charity Shops to buy some exhibits for his museum. He's there now, choosing what to buy. 

I do hope he doesn't buy anything too big!