CONTACT YOUR SPIRIT ANTEATER

Yesterday Wilson was watching some daytime tv and saw an item about a woman who had written several books about 'Contacting Your Inner Angel'.

Perhaps because her sales have slumped – or maybe she was just curious about the gullibility of her readers – she has now written a book about Contacting Your Spirit Unicorn.

 

Wilson immediately ran to his study and has now started work on his new book, working title: 'Contact Your Spirit Anteater'.

 

He is consulting with Literary Agent Antony and Publicist TT, (and assisted by Pterry who still can't be left alone without bursting into tears – which is apparently not at all conducive to writing a Major Spiritual Handbook).

 

As Wilson pointed out to Antony, 'In the words of the Great P T Barnum, "No man ever went broke overestimating the ignorance of the public!"!'

 

Oh dear – I hope we don't get any complaints from Angel enthusiasts… or Unicorns!

 

 

ANDREW RETURNS

During breakfast, we heard a disturbance in the garden.

Wilson went out to investigate, and found Andrew the Seagull perched on top of the beach hut. 

 

As soon as he saw Wilson, he shouted down, 'This is a nice gaff – what about me moving in?'

 

'Oh,' W replied, playing for time, 'How are you Andrew? How was the Sewage Farm?'

 

'Rubbish!' the bird replied, 'Complete lack of fish heads. I should have stayed in Weston – coming here was a total waste of Air Miles!'

 

Thinking quickly, Wilson called back, 'Today is Dustbin Collection Day, so why don't you fly around and see what you can find – follow the Bin Truck for a bit – there's "Pickins for All!" as they say in Weston…' 

 

 

TT's XMAS COMEDY SHOW

After seven months in lockdown, everyone is getting restless.

The air of ennui and resignation has been replaced with an atmosphere of rebellion – perhaps even of mutiny – ever since the Xmas Demonstration on August Bank Holiday!

 

Wilson noticed it too, and has had a word with Antony, who in turn has spoken to Tiny Toy, and it's been agreed that TT should give a special Xmas Comedy Show to relieve the tension – please note this does NOT mean Xmas will be held even a single day before 25 December!

❝ Hello, good evening, and welcome to the TT Xmas Comedy Show – I am Tiny Toy, and this is my Xmas Comedy Show BlogCast!

What happens to elves when they're naughty? Santa gives them the sack.

What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap.

What is a snowman's favorite breakfast? Ice Crispies.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas party? He had no-body to go with.

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A Mince Spy!

What says 'Oh Oh Oh'? Santa walking backwards!

What do you call a greedy elf? Elfish.

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!

What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Can you smell carrot?

Whats the best Christmas Present? A broken drum – you just can't beat it.

Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-olph!

Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!

Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ho, ho, ho.

What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck? A Christmas Quacker!

What do snowmen eat for lunch? Iceburgers!

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles!

What is a skunks favourite Christmas song? Jingle smells!

Thank you, thank you, you're very kind.

My time's nearly up, but before I go, let me ask you a serious question: Why did the turkey cross the road?

Becase the chicken was on holiday!

I must go now, because I'm wanted by the Joke Police for that last joke!

I've been Tiny Toy and I hope you've been a wonderful audience – Happy Xmas! ❞

 

FIRE STATION OPEN DAY

Following Andrea's extraordinary revelations about Mrs V, Wilson and Byron spent most of yesterday brooding about how different their lives would have been, had not they been betrayed by fate – how they would have been living in Costa Rica, in a grand house with many servants and probably girlfriends…

I clearly needed to snap them out of their dejected and melancholic mood, so I took the whole family to see the Uckfield Fire Station!

 

Each year the Fire Station holds an Open Day, when visitors can meet the firefighters, climb all over the fire engines etc, but for various reasons (usually because we've been away on holiday at the time) Wilson has never attended one.

 

Because of the pandemic there won't be any Open Day this year, so I've done the next best thing and taken everyone to see The Old Fire Station.

 

Since the new fire station was built next to Tesco, The Old Fire Station has been converted into living accommodation, and of course we can't just knock on the door and ask to be shown round, so we just stood outside and looked at it.

 

Admittedly it wasn't quite as thrilling as sliding down the fireman's pole and working the Blues-&-Two's, but after so long in lockdown, just leaving the house was quite exciting!

 

 

Ant Wars 2: ANDREA'S SHOCKING REVELATION

It seems that following the discovery of the photo of her mother, Mrs V, Andrea was trying to uncover some of her family history.

 

At first Mrs V was taciturn, but eventually she turned to face Andrea and said, 'Oh well, you're not a child any more – I suppose you deserve to know the truth…'

After gathering her thoughts for a few moments, she began: 

 

'Your life was not supposed to be like this, my dear. You were not destined for a life of drudgery and childbearing in a zoo conservation project, for you are the child of Nobility!'

She continued, 'I was born of a Patrician family – one of Costa Rica's finest! When my family moved to England I was even presented at Court as a Debutante!'

Rummaging in her handbag, she produced a photograph (reproduced below) of herself taken at the Deb's Ball as she was presented to Queen Charlotte's Birthday Cake [don't even ask what that's all about!].

She paused to dab at her eyes with a Kleenex before resuming her sorry tale:

'At the Debutante's Ball I met the most wonderful and handsome boy – he was a real Boar, and he quite swept me off my paws! He met my family and we became betrothed… it was like a fairy tale!'

Mrs V had to pause, her shoulders shaking with emotion, before she could continue: 'But after the wedding he revealed his true nature. He spent all night gambling and fornicating with sows of easy virtue in nightclubs; he made many unwise investments, and eventually even persuaded my dear father to invest in Coffee Futures, promising to multiply his investment tenfold!'

Another pause ensued before she could pick up the sorry tale: 'When the Great Coffee Crash came, we were wiped out! My father lost all his money and the family was in ruination!'

Andrea asked, 'So what became of your husband… my father?'

'Husband?' Mrs V. spat the word like an oath. 'My so-called "husband" deserted me, leaving me with a cub to bring up on my own, and left the country. Neither I nor my family ever heard from him again. He is dead to me!

'I was alone in the world with you, Andrea, the sweetest anteater cub in the world, and the only way to survive was to move to the zoo – the only home you remember – and accept their charity.

'I have never spoken of this before, partly because my foolishness and naïveté pains me, but mostly because I didn't want you or the rest of my family know what they have lost! Dear Boo [Wilson] for instance is desperately trying to earn £1million to try to restore us to our lost grandeur, and even he doesn't know why…'

 

Mrs V lapsed into silence while Andrea tried to comfort her.

—

There will be no post tomorrow, to give everyone a chance to come to terms with this most unexpected revelation!

FAMILY NEWS

In view of the dramatic nature of the news, Wilson thought it only right that he should share it first with his brother Byron, as he was equally affected by it.

It must be pretty serious, as he didn't even take his constant companion Antony with him!

 

Wilson says that he will share the news with me as soon as he and Byron have taken it in…

 

 

NOBODY EXPECTED THIS!

Wilson had just started rearranging the bookshelves in his library so the book spines were in colour order – so the library would look like a rainbow – when the telephone rang.

It was a call for Wilson from his Big Sister Andrea at the zoo.

 

They were in subdued but earnest discussion for nearly an hour, and when he finally hung up the phone he seemed at a loss for words. 

 

Eventually, he managed to explain that Andrea had just learned something absolutely amazing about his Mum, Mrs V. – something which changed everything… and yet changed nothing.

 

I for one can't wait to find out what this news is, I just hope it doesn't devastate Wilson, like the time when he learned he was adopted!

BEES' BLOG

Hello, we are Polly and Billi the Bees, and this is our Guest Blog.

Welcome to the first day of Meteorological Autumn.

 

Today the weather is a tiny bit better so we've decided to have some more arty fun in the countryside!

 

It's a bit muddy beside this big pond, so we probably did the right thing in leaving our two children at home playing with Uncle Zoltan – they're baking Xmas Cookies together with Antony and TT.

 

We're just hoping those boys in the cart don't ask us to help them pull it out!

 

So anyway, we've been the Bees and we'll see you again next month.

Until then, BEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD, love art... and don't get a muddy bottom like we've both got!

 

 

AUGUST BANK HOLIDAY

Today is August Bank Holiday – the traditional day to go to the seaside, eat too much ice cream and get seriously sunburnt!

Today, however, is predicted to be the coldest August Bank Holiday since records began, and with the current high winds, low temperatures and lockdown it seems more like November…

 

The remnants of storms Ellen and Francis mean that it's too gusty and cold for the children to play in the Beach Hut in the garden – or even go outside at all without risking being blown away!

 

However, I was not prepared to be confronted by a lot of plush toys demanding that Xmas should be brought forward.

 

I'm already nervous enough about doing Xmas in lockdown, without having to do it next week!

 

The children say they're bored of the pandemic and that it feels like several years since last Xmas, and now that it's getting colder they're apparently starting to feel 'Well Xmassy!' – they even want to get the decorations down from the loft!

 

Nothing in my past life has prepared me for a demand for Xmas in September, and I don't really know how to handle it…

—

In more cheerful news, Wilson's Blog has now surpassed 81,000 hits!

Why not make it 81,001: https://antwars2.blogspot.com/ – and tell your friends!

 

 

PREPARING LIKE A PIRATE

The watchword of a successful pirate, according to Wilson, is Preparation.

 

I imagine that is why he's in the kitchen with Byron and Nërp making beer mats, even though there are several weeks to go before the Big Day.

 

Byron and Nërp both wondered why the mats were being printed 'pre-stained' – something I had pondered on myself.

 

In answer, Wilson touched one claw to the side of his nose and replied, 'Authenticity! Pirates are notoriously messy drinkers, always spilling Grog. And Blood.'

 

Beer mats are very absorbent, and you might be surprised by how much printer ink they soak up – I should probably order another set of cartridges, just to be on the safe side.

—

International Talk Like A Pirate Day, in case you've forgotten, is on 19 September – be there, or be a scurvy landlubber!

 

 

SCHOOL PRECAUTIONS

The British Prime Minister has said:

'It is vitally important children go back to school, with the life chances of a generation at stake!'

He added that the dangers to children of staying at home were greater than the dangers of returning to school – but this from someone who can't even decide if face masks are a good thing or a bad thing, so don't be surprised to see a couple more U-turns before the first day of term! 🙄 

 

However, Wilson is taking the warnings seriously and has barricaded himself inside his Asteroid Shelter 'Just in case you get any ideas about sending me to school, New Dad!'

 

Byron has been trying to persuade him to come out by shouting about the benefits of education down the hole in the ground which is the shelter's entrance, but so far without success.

 

His lack of success may in part be due to Uncle Zoltan also shouting down the hole – things like, 'Don't Let The System Get You, dear boy!'

 

 

DIOGENES SYNDROME

It seems no time at all since I told you that no photographs exist of Mrs V, yet this morning a letter arrived in the signature lavender envelope favoured by Wilson's Big Sister Andrea – and guess what was inside?

As soon as Wilson spotted the envelope, fearing something might be amiss at the zoo, he ripped it open roughly with his claw.

 

Out fell a short note, written in lavender ink in Andrea's paw-writing… and a photograph! 

 

It seems that the Zoo Vet thinks Mrs V may be suffering from Diogenes Syndrome – a thinking disorder characterised by a reluctance or refusal to throw anything away – and her bedroom is becoming a bit cluttered.

 

In order to tidy up and make some space, Andrea had been sorting through some of Mrs V's things and come across this old photo in a dressing-table drawer. 

 

She thinks it was probably taken shortly after Mrs V arrived at the zoo, but when Andrea asked her about it she seemed vague and unwilling to talk about it. 

 

Andrea was at pains to point out that this is a very common affliction, and was really nothing to worry about… but Wilson is a terrible worrier!

 

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY COLIN!

No, not Colin the Knitted Camel (who is currently living happily with Wilson's friend Ms Jenny) But Colin the Caterpillar Cake, which is apparently 30 today!

There can't be many kids who haven't – for one reason or another – celebrated their birthday with a Colin the Caterpillar Cake, and Wilson decided that it was time the long-suffering Colin finally got to celebrate his own birthday.

 

Honestly, in the middle of a pandemic it doesn't take much of an excuse to justify a party, and before long everyone was sitting round singing 'Happy Birth-day Dear Co-Lin…' and waiting expectantly for a slice.

 

I did draw the line at having thirty birthday candles, though.

 

As the time to actually cut the cake drew nearer, Wilson announced, 'I just can't do this to Colin – he's been such a good friend to me over the years…' (ignoring the fact that he arrived only yesterday via Tesco Home Delivery) and Nërp had to take over the onerous task.

 

 

A WONDERFUL DREAM

Over breakfast this morning, Byron was looking very thoughtful, and a little bit melancholy.

I asked him what was up and he told me he'd had a dream in which he'd met a group of artists and intellectuals, and had a lovely time talking with them.

 

Then he'd gone into a little shop and found many examples of the artists' work for sale and he'd bought several items: installation pieces and wall hangings.

 

When he got them home, he'd filled his room with these wonderful works, and it looked amazing.

 

Then he woke up, and now he couldn't remember anything about any of the artworks…

 

The worst thing was, apparently, that since it was his dream all the ideas were his, fresh from his brain, and if only he could remember them, he could have made them himself and become a famous artist…

 

I tried to reassure him that, since had thought of them once he would probably think of them again… and that I had a deep belief in him, and that he would one day be a famous artist!

 

He smiled bravely as he tried to believe me.

 

 

ADVANCE WARNING

Wilson rushed past in a desperate state to consult his calendar – he was afraid he'd missed International Talk Like A Pirate Day and was very relieved to discover there was still almost a month to go.

Although he was relieved, he seemed no calmer, hurrying off to give Byron and Nërp the news because there was 'So much to do! So many preparations to make!'

 

As far as I can remember, this is the first time Byron will have been with us on TLaP day – I wonder what he will make of it?

 

 

SAND CASTLES

Almost everyone has spent the day in the garden building sand castles!

Jīqìrén came along, even Uncle Zoltan joined in, and they all had a lovely time… although Diesel's water got a tiny bit overheated and he had to be taken indoors and given an ice cube.

 

TinyToy slept most of the time, but suddenly woke with a start, sat bold upright and started rattling off jokes about fish:

❝ What is an eel’s favourite dance?

The conger

Two  parrots are sitting on a perch, and one says to the other
"Can you smell fish?"

What do you call a fish without an eye?

A fsh

Why didn’t the prawn share his toys?

He was a little shellfish

What fish is a serial killer?

Jack the Kipper

What do you call a man with a large flatfish on his head?

Ray ❞

Then he flopped back on the sand and resumed his snooze.

The two bees glanced at each other, silently mouthed the word 'heat-stroke' and carried the unconscious TT into the shade to cool down.

Following a liberal application of After-Sun and Royal Jelly, Polly said TT would be fine when he wakes up – although a bit sticky…

Ant Wars 2: BOAT TRIP

I will admit I had some misgivings when I first saw the Beach Hut Nërp had built, and the tons of sand all over the back garden, but I will freely admit it's providing a lot of play value for everyone.

Yesterday a massive parcel arrived from Amazon, and as usual everyone was very secretive about its contents – but for the rest of the day Byron and Wilson both looked exhausted and out-of-breath.

 

Now I see why – they must have been inflating this boat!

 

Because of Wilson's legendary dislike of water, he doesn't get to play in craft like this very often, but now he is giving all the children imaginary boat trips, re-enacting the time we all went out to see the Needles Lighthouse on the Isle of Wight.

 

The re-enactment was so realistic that Wilson required several doses of Gordon's London Dry Seasickness Cure And Tonic With Ice And Lemon…

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