Today is the day of Wilson's Celebrity Book Signing at the village book shop!
I drove W round to Uckfield Books and Cards then helped him unload his books and arrange them on a table the owners had provided.
Soon an impressive queue had formed in front of the table, and W dealt with his visitors very professionally, saying things like, 'Would you like "With Love" or "With Best Wishes"?' and, 'Do you spell that R-I-L-E-Y? Oh, you'd better spell it out for me then. A bit slower than that…'
One or two visitors were disappointed because they thought they were going to a Celebrity Book Singing and to please them W generously performed a brief acapella medley of his favourite Peter Dawson songs.
IN OTHER NEWS, Wilson today achieved exactly 64,000 views of his blog! YAY!
Although Byron will be arriving earlier than originally expected, there's still quite a lot of time for Wilson to pass until he gets here – ie quite a lot of time to keep out of mischief.
He's got out his crayons and started designing a deck of Anteater Playing Cards. So far he's completed only a few cards, but it's a good start, and at this rate should occupy him for several weeks…
The eagle-eyed among you might notice a pre-production proof copy of Wilson's latest novel, Death In Ventnor – we visited Ventnor during our holiday on the Isle of Wight, so he thought he could bring some personal insight to bear on the plot…
By the time Mrs V eventually passed the phone over to Byron, Wilson was one chastened anteater…
Anyway, returning to the matter in hand, Byron has a Cheese-and-Gin Tasting Party on the 11th, which he doesn't want to miss because he's in charge of assembling the Cheese Hedgehogs (a responsible position, with many perks!) but he is prepared to forego the Warthogs' Baby Shower the following day.
Therefore we can expect him on the 12th.
Wilson has just popped round to the post box in order to mail Mrs V's Mother's Day Cards – to be on the safe side, he's sending both of them!
Hello, we are 🐝Polly and 🐝Billi The Bees, and this is our Guest Blog.
Today we'd like to show you a family heirloom: it's a Daguerrotype of the Old Queen, HM Queen Destiny-Tanisha the IV.
We don't generally talk about our Royal Connection, because we know that Wilson is still a bit peeved that he never got his OBE from the Human Queen – but he never reads our blog, so we should be alright.
You don't need to curtsey or bow when you meet us, obviously – a slight inclination of the head will be sufficient because we are Bees Of The People; we have the Common Touch!
So anyway, we've been 👑 The Royal Bees 👑 and we'll see you again next month.
Until then, BEEEEEEE GOOD!
First thing this morning, Wilson called his brother, Byron, to ask whether he could get here any earlier than Easter to help with building the new Museum.
Unfortunately, Wilson's Mum – Mrs V – answered the call.
Even more unfortunately, even though W had bought TWO Mother's Day cards, he had neglected to mail either of them.
I overheard quite a few acrimonious comments leaking from the earpiece, and quite a bit of grovelling from W…
Wilson has been in the back garden with his Site Manager (Antony) and Assistant Site Manager (TT) contemplating his flat-pack museum.
After several minutes of staring at it from various angles, he confessed that it was all a lot heavier than he'd expected.
Antony suggested that perhaps I could give him a hand with the lifting and moving but W said I was far too frail to be of any use.
Actually the word he used was feeble, but I pretended not to hear…
'There's nothing else for it,' Antony eventually announced, 'You're going to have to phone your brother Byron and get him to come down here sooner!'
There was great excitement this morning when Wilson spotted a huge delivery truck driving slowly down the road, delivering his New Museum!
He watched anxiously as the driver unloaded the panels and carried them into the muddy wasteland that is all that remains of our back garden…
Later Wilson confided that he was extremely excited to have his New Museum and was looking forward to Byron arriving to help him assemble it.
He also said that a New Museum was an ideal way to celebrate NOT leaving the EU today, as 'Mrs Theresa' had promised ('threatened', as W put it) more than 100 times we would!
#animalsofinstagram
#newmuseum #delivery #excitement #excited #cuteanimals #talkinganimals
#funnyanimals #funny #humor #humour #anteater #anteatersarehuman
#loveanteaters #21stcenturyishard #modernlife #anteaterinamansworld
#museum
I was not aware of this, but Wilson has confidently informed me (and subsequent research on Google appears to confirm it) that 2019 marks the 40th anniversary of the release of the Mod Classic Movie,
QUADROPHENIA!
Members and visitors to the Wonderful World of Wilson Facebook Group* will tomorrow receive an exclusive commemorative Quadrophenia Badge to print, cut out and stick on something – where you choose to stick it is, of course, entirely up to you…
*https://www.facebook.com/groups/wilsonvermilinguaappreciation/
#Quadrophenia
Wilson has redesigned the cover artwork for One Flew Over The Ant's Nest – he says it's to make it look bolder, but I think really he hopes that people might buy both versions, thinking they're different…
Incidentally, if your first-quarter 2019 calendar is almost used up, Wilson assures me that the next page will be ready to send out by Wednesday – unless he's started work on another novel by then!
_____________
'Stunning!' – TLS
'Brilliant' – The Guardian
'Easily the best book so far this year!' – Mail on Sunday
These are just a few of the book reviews Wilson would dearly love to have…
Wilson has returned triumphant from his trip to the village, having achieved all his goals!
Not only has he secured a Celebrity Book Signing deal, he's also bought a Mother's Day Card for his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua.
Actually the book shop had such an excellent selection of Mother's Day Cards that he couldn't decide which was most appropriate, so he bought two.
He lay them out in front of me so I could help him decide which one to send. I have to say, they both looked a bit passive-aggressive to me, but there you go…
He also made a bulk purchase of Tippex® Correcting Fluid – he uses a lot of it during the novel-writing process, but even so this quantity looks a tiny bit excessive!
I suppose he can always sell it on eBay when his novel-writing phase has passed…
With three books under his belt, Wilson now considers himself an Established Author.
He told me that his next step was clearly to have a Celebrity Book Signing, so he has popped round to the Village Book Shop to sound them out about staging the event there, taking Nërp and TT with him for moral support.
I have suggested that, following a very stern reminder from his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, he should buy a Mother's Day Card while he's there…
Over breakfast this morning, Wilson slid a copy of his latest novel across the table to me, then he and Antony stared at me expectantly.
I picked it up and read the title: One Flew Over The Ant's Nest.
W briefly outlined the plot to me:
• The story takes place in a psychiatric hospital where a handsome young ant – McWilson – battles with the evil Head Nurse – Nurse Widget – in an effort to make the patients' lives more pleasant, because he has realised that the Psychiatric Hospital is turning sane people insane, rather than the other way round.
• Later McWilson and the other patients go out fishing on a stolen boat, then have a big party at the hospital.
• Nurse Widget finds out about the party and has to take some time off.
• Finally one of the other inmates – Queen Brompton – kills McWilson with a pillow to put him out of his misery, and then escapes.
Wilson has got the shakes today – he's trembling so badly that he can barely type.
This is because he's been up all night, drinking black coffee while working on his new novel.
He won't tell me what it's about, except to say that it's a Modern Classic that's going to establish him as a Top Author of Contemporary Fiction.
He also hinted that people will compare it with Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar – probably.
He can't be certain as he's never read The Bell Jar, and he's got no idea what it's about.
Honestly, it's making me jittery just watching him – I doubt he'll get any sleep tonight…
Antony (Literary Editor) and TT (Publicist) gazed in amazement as Wilson showed us his new novel, Cold Comfort Ant Farm.
I was pretty amazed myself – this was Wilson's second novel in only three days.
'Wilson, this is your second novel in only three days,' I said, 'How do you write so fast?'
'Well, I print out the Study Notes and Tippex® over the names I'm changing!' he replied proudly.
'Actually, Antony does the Tippex-ing part as the fumes make me a bit dizzy – then while he recovers, I write in the new names. Voila!'
Yesterday a letter arrived for Wilson, but what with launching his new novel, Lord Of The Ants, he'd been too busy to read it.
Today he took it to his library and tore open the envelope.
'It's from my Mum, Mrs Vermilingua,' he announced.
Mrs V rarely communicates directly with W, so I said, 'I hope it's not bad news!'
He sighed and said, that rather depended on how you define bad news…'
'It says she's worried about me. Worried I've broken my paw so I can't pick up the phone to call her… blah blah… it's been so long since I visited her that I've got three new siblings… blah blah blah… would it kill you to… Mothers' Day in two weeks… that's about it.'
I asked what the new children were called – he referred to the letter again and said, 'Hmm… the twins are called Klara and Kafka, and then there's little Laszlo. It seems my mother has reverted to her Alphabetical Naming Scheme – I assume one of the Keepers is helping her with that.'
Wilson has just shown me the cover of his first novel.
He explained, 'They say you should write about what you know, which is why I started with Lord Of The Ants. Once that's become a Best Seller I'll do Cold Comfort Ant Farm – I'm quite an expert on ants, so I think I'll be able to bring my insights to bear on this dark tale – put my own stamp on it!'
Today Wilson revealed his latest Brilliant Idea to me.
'New Dad,' he began, 'Recycling is a Good Thing, isn't it?'
'Um… yes,' I replied uncertainly, wondering where this was leading – I haven't forgotten about his Recycled Flowers scheme…
'Taking old stuff and giving it a new lease of life?' he continued. 'Well, I'm taking Old Books and giving them a new lease of life!'
He went on to explain how he was reading summaries of famous novels on sparknotes.com, then re-writing them.
When I say 'rewriting' I mean copying them out almost word-for-word, but giving all the characters new names.
'I'm starting with "Lord Of The Ants" – it's all about a group of boys… um, well Ants, and they get stranded on a desert island. Two of the boys, er, Ants – Rafe and Piggly – find a sea shell on the beach, then they all go mad and kill Piggly. It's a brilliant story!'
STOP PRESS ANNOUNCEMENT:
Wilson has just achieved more than 8000 Twitter Followers!
Eight THOUSAND! Yay! I’m SO PROUD of him!
I assumed that he would want to celebrate with a party, but he told me there would be time for celebration later, and in the meantime he he had work to do on a New Project.
He wouldn't tell me the nature of this project, but I noticed that he has discovered 'Study Notes'.
I'd never heard of them, but apparently they're précis or plot summaries of classic novels that tell you everything you could possibly want to know about the original novel, but in just a few hundred words – basically, massive spoilers!
I can't imagine why anyone would want to miss out on the pleasure of savouring a good book, but Wilson says he has a plan.
Currently he's making notes about Lord Of The Flies, Animal Farm, The Road To Wigan Pier and Death In Venice.
I have no idea of his purpose, but I shall probably find out over the course of the next few days – when the bills or complaints start arriving…
As soon as we returned home with our (not very limited) Limited Edition print, Wilson wanted to hang it immediately.
I'm always a bit nervous when he's up a ladder with a hammer, and I offered to hang the picture for him.
He declined my offer, explaining that hanging a picture properly is a very complex procedure involving the Golden Mean, Irrational Numbers, pi and a spirit level – and he thought I simply lacked the aesthetic sensitivity to achieve it.
In the event, the hanging consisted of Wilson balancing precariously on top of the stepladder while Antony shouted out, 'Left a bit… up a bit… a bit more… yeah, that'll do!'
So it turns out that I have less 'aesthetic sensitivity' than a small kapok-filled toy anteater – but over the years I've come to know and accept my place in the domestic pecking order…
In an attempt to keep him occupied and to improve his mind, I took Wilson into Brighton to visit an Art Gallery.
There was one exhibit that – perhaps unsurprisingly – he loved above all others.
He says that the quality of the ant is Picasso-esque in its rendering, it was philosophically very sound and, above all, it summed up perfectly how he felt most of the time.
As we left the Gallery (inevitably through the Gift Shop) Wilson noticed that Limited Edition Prints were for sale(!)
He explained enthusiastically how such a print would be not only the perfect focal point in our living room, it would also be a 'totes brilliant investment!'
Our copy of the Limited Edition Print, I later learned, was Nº 57832/200000…
