It's called a Pleasure Boat Cruise, but honestly I question how much actual pleasure is to be had when one's travelling companion is constantly worried about falling overboard or the boat sinking.
However, since his spell in the wheelhouse and a chat with the captain, Wilson has been far more relaxed.
He has even relinquished his grip on the life belt and is enjoying the cruise in a much more laid-back way – which in turn means that I am able to do the same…
26/08/2018
25/08/2018
WILSON TAKES CONTROL
Once we'd entered open water, the captain left the controls and came over to ask Wilson if he's like to drive the boat for a little – W glanced at me, I nodded, and he ran in to the little wheelhouse and grabbed the ship's wheel firmly in both paws.
At first the captain sat on his seat behind him, saying things like, 'Starboard a little… mind that seagull… don't hit that wave…' but after a few minutes he came out to speak to me, explaining that it often helps nervous passengers if they understand what's going on and feel like they're in control.
For myself, I have to admit I hadn't been feeling at all nervous – until a pre-adolescent anteater with no seafaring experience or ability took over the steering…
At first the captain sat on his seat behind him, saying things like, 'Starboard a little… mind that seagull… don't hit that wave…' but after a few minutes he came out to speak to me, explaining that it often helps nervous passengers if they understand what's going on and feel like they're in control.
For myself, I have to admit I hadn't been feeling at all nervous – until a pre-adolescent anteater with no seafaring experience or ability took over the steering…
22/08/2018
CAST OFF FORE! CAST OFF AFT!
Wilson returned from the bar clutching a glass of gin-based seasickness cure, and grabbed a lifebelt for himself before returning to his seat.
'Okay, New Dad,' he said, 'you can tell the Captain he may now Cast Off – but advise him he's got a Nervous Passenger on board, so not to drive too fast!'
With that, the engine noise increased and we pulled slowly away from the quay…
'Okay, New Dad,' he said, 'you can tell the Captain he may now Cast Off – but advise him he's got a Nervous Passenger on board, so not to drive too fast!'
With that, the engine noise increased and we pulled slowly away from the quay…
20/08/2018
BOARDING PARTY
Once all of Wilson's safety concerns had been fully addressed, his questions about the choice of brands and flavours of gin answered and his Bar Tab opened, he nervously climbed the gangplank on to the boat.
Or Walked The Plank, as he referred to it.
Then, having secured a seat adjacent to a lifebelt, he went downstairs ('It's called belowdecks, New Dad!') to the Bar, for a dose of Mr Hendrick's medicinal sea-sickness preventative and Tonic…
Or Walked The Plank, as he referred to it.
Then, having secured a seat adjacent to a lifebelt, he went downstairs ('It's called belowdecks, New Dad!') to the Bar, for a dose of Mr Hendrick's medicinal sea-sickness preventative and Tonic…
19/08/2018
Ant Wars 2: PLEASURE BOAT CRUISE
To save time, I had purchased our tickets for the boat trip on-line in advance.
However, before he would consent to board the vessel, Wilson had a number of searching questions for the lady in the Ticket Booth.
Questions concerning the number and location of life belts and life jackets, how long the captain had been qualified, how long since his last accident etc.
Then he moved on to ask about the brands and flavours of gin stocked in the on-board bar, and whether they would accept his Boarding Pass in payment for drinks.
This last question was almost a deal-breaker, but I reminded W that his Boarding Pass is now several years old, and was issued by an entirely different cruise line.
Eventually he (grudgingly) agreed to embark – as long as I opened a Bar Tab for him, just in case he had a medical emergency requiring the immediate administration of a Gin Sling or even – in a major emergency – an East India Gimlet…
However, before he would consent to board the vessel, Wilson had a number of searching questions for the lady in the Ticket Booth.
Questions concerning the number and location of life belts and life jackets, how long the captain had been qualified, how long since his last accident etc.
Then he moved on to ask about the brands and flavours of gin stocked in the on-board bar, and whether they would accept his Boarding Pass in payment for drinks.
This last question was almost a deal-breaker, but I reminded W that his Boarding Pass is now several years old, and was issued by an entirely different cruise line.
Eventually he (grudgingly) agreed to embark – as long as I opened a Bar Tab for him, just in case he had a medical emergency requiring the immediate administration of a Gin Sling or even – in a major emergency – an East India Gimlet…
18/08/2018
TRADE MARK WARS
Today we're heading to Pool, in Dorset.
It's a lovely little town on the coast and, although we've been there before, I've got something exciting planned for us – a boat trip round the harbour.
On our way there, though, we passed a Waterstone's Bookshop, and Wilson noticed their logo.
'That Waterstone's logo – it's exactly like my Wilson logo!'
'Oh yes,' I replied, 'so it is!'
'No, New Dad, I mean it's EXACTLY THE SAME as my Wilson logo!'
'Waterstone's is quite an old company,' I pointed out, 'they would have their logo long before you had yours.'
'Ah yes,' he replied, 'but it sows the seed of doubt. When we get back to the hotel I shall Google for a good No-Win No-Fee solicitor…'
'You'll never win though,' I said.
'Maybe not, but Intellectual Property Rights is a VERY grey area – they'll probably give me a load of free books, just to keep me quiet!'
It's a lovely little town on the coast and, although we've been there before, I've got something exciting planned for us – a boat trip round the harbour.
On our way there, though, we passed a Waterstone's Bookshop, and Wilson noticed their logo.
'That Waterstone's logo – it's exactly like my Wilson logo!'
'Oh yes,' I replied, 'so it is!'
'No, New Dad, I mean it's EXACTLY THE SAME as my Wilson logo!'
'Waterstone's is quite an old company,' I pointed out, 'they would have their logo long before you had yours.'
'Ah yes,' he replied, 'but it sows the seed of doubt. When we get back to the hotel I shall Google for a good No-Win No-Fee solicitor…'
'You'll never win though,' I said.
'Maybe not, but Intellectual Property Rights is a VERY grey area – they'll probably give me a load of free books, just to keep me quiet!'
17/08/2018
CHILLIN'
Back in our room at the hotel, Wilson opened the MiniBar fridge for a gin and was very surprised to find Antony and TT inside.
'Hi, guys!' Wilson said, 'What are you doing in there?'
'You put us here,' Antony replied, rather testily, ''to keep us cool during the heatwave.'
'Really? I don't remember. So, are we cool?'
'We're not cool – we're frozen!' TT said.
I thought I could hear his teeth chattering, but of course, anteaters don't have teeth.
Especially plush toy anteaters.
'Anyway,' Wilson continued breezily, 'there's something I've been meaning to ask you – do you know any jokes about helicopters?'
TT thought for a moment, then said, 'As far as I know, there are two helicopter jokes; one is completely stupid, one is too rude for me to repeat, and neither of them is the least bit funny.'
Wilson hurried off to get his iPad to Google the rude joke…
'Hi, guys!' Wilson said, 'What are you doing in there?'
'You put us here,' Antony replied, rather testily, ''to keep us cool during the heatwave.'
'Really? I don't remember. So, are we cool?'
'We're not cool – we're frozen!' TT said.
I thought I could hear his teeth chattering, but of course, anteaters don't have teeth.
Especially plush toy anteaters.
'Anyway,' Wilson continued breezily, 'there's something I've been meaning to ask you – do you know any jokes about helicopters?'
TT thought for a moment, then said, 'As far as I know, there are two helicopter jokes; one is completely stupid, one is too rude for me to repeat, and neither of them is the least bit funny.'
Wilson hurried off to get his iPad to Google the rude joke…
15/08/2018
PLAYGROUND
Just before we left the Museum, Wilson decided not to send a postcard to his brother, Byron, in case it made him feel left out.
I told him that I thought it was a very thoughtful decision.
Once we entered the Gift Shop, I began to regret that remark, as W had assumed I would want to reward his 'Very Thoughtfulness' by buying him many expensive souvenirs.
I finally talked him down to a single purchase, but you might be as surprised as I was to learn how much a scale model of Concorde can cost!
Afterwards W went in the playground while I had an iced coffee in the restaurant.
The playground is cleverly designed to look like an aircraft carrier, and W had a great time there.
So great that his cries of, 'Look at me! New Dad: LOOK AT ME!' became a constant soundtrack to my coffee, to the amusement of some of the other diners…
I told him that I thought it was a very thoughtful decision.
Once we entered the Gift Shop, I began to regret that remark, as W had assumed I would want to reward his 'Very Thoughtfulness' by buying him many expensive souvenirs.
I finally talked him down to a single purchase, but you might be as surprised as I was to learn how much a scale model of Concorde can cost!
Afterwards W went in the playground while I had an iced coffee in the restaurant.
The playground is cleverly designed to look like an aircraft carrier, and W had a great time there.
So great that his cries of, 'Look at me! New Dad: LOOK AT ME!' became a constant soundtrack to my coffee, to the amusement of some of the other diners…
13/08/2018
EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP
Just before we left, we came across this board with a hole you stick your head through to be photographed – I don't think they've got a real name, but Wilson calls them Peek-a-Boards.
After taking his photo I showed it to him on the back of the camera and asked whether he'd like it printed as a postcard to send to his brother Byron.
He said it might make 'Biro' feel a bit left out, what with us being on holiday and him stuck in the zoo.
I thought that was very kind and considerate of W…
After taking his photo I showed it to him on the back of the camera and asked whether he'd like it printed as a postcard to send to his brother Byron.
He said it might make 'Biro' feel a bit left out, what with us being on holiday and him stuck in the zoo.
I thought that was very kind and considerate of W…
12/08/2018
BUSINESS CLASS TRAVELLER
I was quite relieved that our visit to Concorde's Flight Deck passed without incident – the controls looked hugely complex, but I've learned never to underestimate an anteater!
I think Wilson was quite impressed by the plane – as he disembarked he posed for a photograph, having first borrowed a briefcase from another visitor so he would look like he'd travelled Business Class!
'Make sure that picture comes out well, New Dad,' he admonished me, 'Cos it's going on the Fan Club page and on my CV*!'
___________
*Resumé
I think Wilson was quite impressed by the plane – as he disembarked he posed for a photograph, having first borrowed a briefcase from another visitor so he would look like he'd travelled Business Class!
'Make sure that picture comes out well, New Dad,' he admonished me, 'Cos it's going on the Fan Club page and on my CV*!'
___________
*Resumé
11/08/2018
NEWSFLASH!
This being essentially an R&D aircraft (or A&R, as Wilson inexplicably insisted on calling it), there was no passenger seating.
Even so the Concorde fuselage seemed very narrow – cramped, even – with barely room to stand upright.
While we were admiring the plane, a NewsFlash pinged on my phone.
Taking it from my pocket, I read that a man in Seattle has stolen a large passenger aircraft, performed loops and barrel-rolls then crashed it into an island, killing himself!
Accordingly, I kept a VERY close eye on Wilson – especially as we neared the Flight Deck…
Even so the Concorde fuselage seemed very narrow – cramped, even – with barely room to stand upright.
While we were admiring the plane, a NewsFlash pinged on my phone.
Taking it from my pocket, I read that a man in Seattle has stolen a large passenger aircraft, performed loops and barrel-rolls then crashed it into an island, killing himself!
Accordingly, I kept a VERY close eye on Wilson – especially as we neared the Flight Deck…
10/08/2018
I AM SO EXCITED!
Speaking as someone who clearly remembers Concorde's maiden flight, I can barely contain my excitement as we enter Hall 4, home of CONCORDE!
I can still recall building an Airfix® model of the plane, a historic vehicle ushering in (as we then thought) a new era of commercial supersonic flight…
Moreover, of all the Concordes built, this isn't just ANY Concorde – this is Concorde 002, the first British-built version and the prototype model used as a test and development aircraft for the fleet of planes that followed!
Now I would be close enough to touch the first passenger aircraft to fly at Mach 2.05 (1350 mph or 2172 kph)…
I can still recall building an Airfix® model of the plane, a historic vehicle ushering in (as we then thought) a new era of commercial supersonic flight…
Moreover, of all the Concordes built, this isn't just ANY Concorde – this is Concorde 002, the first British-built version and the prototype model used as a test and development aircraft for the fleet of planes that followed!
Now I would be close enough to touch the first passenger aircraft to fly at Mach 2.05 (1350 mph or 2172 kph)…
08/08/2018
SLOW PROGRESS
We continued to make our way through the Fleet Air Arm Museum.
Progress was slow, as Wilson insisted on giving almost every exhibit a very close examination and asking questions I couldn't hope to answer.
Gradually, though, we neared Hall 4 which housed what, for me at least, would be the highlight of our visit…
Progress was slow, as Wilson insisted on giving almost every exhibit a very close examination and asking questions I couldn't hope to answer.
Gradually, though, we neared Hall 4 which housed what, for me at least, would be the highlight of our visit…
06/08/2018
HELICOPTER JOKE
Scrambling down from the fighter cockpit, Wilson remarked, 'Bang-on – Wizard Show, ND!'
Taking my hand, he led me towards a helicopter, remarking that an interesting fact about helicopters is that there's only one joke about them.
'Really?' I replied, quite surprised.
'There are variations – usually just a change in the nationality of the pilot – but they're all the same joke.' W said, 'And it's rubbish!'
What is this one joke then?' I asked.
'It's so bad you won't like it – but anyway: There's this helicopter pilot who is very naïve – or in my opinion, criminally stupid – he gets into this helicopter, flies it up to 200 feet, then it suddenly crashes to the ground!'
'Have we reached the funny part yet?' I enquired. W gave me a stern look, and continued.
'An Air Accident Investigator rushes up to the chopper wreck and asks the pilot what went wrong. The pilot replies, "Nothing went wrong – but it was so cold in the cockpit that I just turned the fan off." That's it.'
'That is truly terrible' I replied, 'and it's the ONLY helicopter joke there is?'
'Yes,' W said, 'it is – you can Google it if you don't believe me!'
We had by now reached the steps that lead inside, and W began to ascend them…
Taking my hand, he led me towards a helicopter, remarking that an interesting fact about helicopters is that there's only one joke about them.
'Really?' I replied, quite surprised.
'There are variations – usually just a change in the nationality of the pilot – but they're all the same joke.' W said, 'And it's rubbish!'
What is this one joke then?' I asked.
'It's so bad you won't like it – but anyway: There's this helicopter pilot who is very naïve – or in my opinion, criminally stupid – he gets into this helicopter, flies it up to 200 feet, then it suddenly crashes to the ground!'
'Have we reached the funny part yet?' I enquired. W gave me a stern look, and continued.
'An Air Accident Investigator rushes up to the chopper wreck and asks the pilot what went wrong. The pilot replies, "Nothing went wrong – but it was so cold in the cockpit that I just turned the fan off." That's it.'
'That is truly terrible' I replied, 'and it's the ONLY helicopter joke there is?'
'Yes,' W said, 'it is – you can Google it if you don't believe me!'
We had by now reached the steps that lead inside, and W began to ascend them…
05/08/2018
TALLY HO!
Moving on to a WWII fighter plane, Wilson evaded the glance of a security attendant and climbed deftly into the cockpit.
Following his instructions, I remained on the ground making 'Engine Noises' while W shouted pilot-ey things like, 'Roger Wilco! Angels at Twelve 0'Clock High! Over and Out!'
When the constant rendition of engine sounds made me breathless, W sympathetically called down to me, 'Okay, New Dad – take a break from the engine noises, can you do some gunfire instead? Oh, and some explosions! Tally Ho!'
Following his instructions, I remained on the ground making 'Engine Noises' while W shouted pilot-ey things like, 'Roger Wilco! Angels at Twelve 0'Clock High! Over and Out!'
When the constant rendition of engine sounds made me breathless, W sympathetically called down to me, 'Okay, New Dad – take a break from the engine noises, can you do some gunfire instead? Oh, and some explosions! Tally Ho!'
04/08/2018
BEST CAR IN THE WORLD
Do you remember when Wilson and Byron went to a Steam Fair a few weeks ago, and they both declared that the Robin Reliant Halftrack was the Coolest Car in the World?
Well, Wilson has come across something he thinks is even cooler: this Royal Naval Air Service Armoured Car from WWI…
To me it looks like a giant biscuit tin with a camouflage paint job, and in this weather must feel like a microwave inside, but what do I know?
I suppose it does have a certain Retro Chic, although I'd still prefer something like a 2013 Morgan Super Aero 3-Wheeler 2.0 myself…
Well, Wilson has come across something he thinks is even cooler: this Royal Naval Air Service Armoured Car from WWI…
To me it looks like a giant biscuit tin with a camouflage paint job, and in this weather must feel like a microwave inside, but what do I know?
I suppose it does have a certain Retro Chic, although I'd still prefer something like a 2013 Morgan Super Aero 3-Wheeler 2.0 myself…
03/08/2018
A BRIEF HISTORY OF AVIATION
The Museum is so big that it's divided into four vast halls, and the first hall seems to be full of historic aircraft.
Wilson rushed over to one of the exhibits, a tenuous construction of cotton sheets, string and wood, and told me excitedly that this plane was almost exactly like the one his famous ancestor, The Blue Baron, flew in the Great Ant Wars of 1921.
Grasping a fragile wood and cloth part between his claws and waggling it about enthusiastically, he said, 'These are called the Flappers, because they flap about, and those triangular things under the wheels, they're called Chocks, because originally they used to use bars of chocolate – Toblerone, obviously, because of the shape!'
I have to admire W's utter certainty and confidence when he tells me stuff like this…
Wilson rushed over to one of the exhibits, a tenuous construction of cotton sheets, string and wood, and told me excitedly that this plane was almost exactly like the one his famous ancestor, The Blue Baron, flew in the Great Ant Wars of 1921.
Grasping a fragile wood and cloth part between his claws and waggling it about enthusiastically, he said, 'These are called the Flappers, because they flap about, and those triangular things under the wheels, they're called Chocks, because originally they used to use bars of chocolate – Toblerone, obviously, because of the shape!'
I have to admire W's utter certainty and confidence when he tells me stuff like this…
01/08/2018
BEES’ BLOG – BEE IN THE CITY
Hello, we are Polly and Billi the Bees, and this is our Guest Blog.
It’s a sad fact that some of you will only know about Manchester because of last year’s terrible bombing, when so many people – a lot of them children and young people – were killed or badly injured as they left a concert.
Manchester and its people will find it very difficult to get over this, but to try to make people happy a swarm of 100 Giant Bees and about 130 smaller (although still much bigger than us!) bees have landed in the City.
Because, after all, who can be sad when they’re surrounded by Giant 🐝Bees🐝?
They’ll be staying there until 23 September, so you’ve got plenty of time to go and see them – if you do, please tell them that Polly and Billi say “HI!”
Also, a Manchester poet called Mr Paul Jenkins has written a 100-line poem called BE(E) and visited all the Giant Bees to read a line of it in front of each of them!
We can’t find the words of the poem, but you can watch Mr Paul actually reading it here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhdkQfy4yVM
IN OTHER NEWS:
We were all very relieved to find that Wilson, his toys and his New Dad had NOT, after all, been Abducted by Aliens. We expect they’re quite pleased too!
So anyway, we’ve been The Bees, and we’ll see you next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEEE GOOD!
#beeinthecity
It’s a sad fact that some of you will only know about Manchester because of last year’s terrible bombing, when so many people – a lot of them children and young people – were killed or badly injured as they left a concert.
Manchester and its people will find it very difficult to get over this, but to try to make people happy a swarm of 100 Giant Bees and about 130 smaller (although still much bigger than us!) bees have landed in the City.
Because, after all, who can be sad when they’re surrounded by Giant 🐝Bees🐝?
They’ll be staying there until 23 September, so you’ve got plenty of time to go and see them – if you do, please tell them that Polly and Billi say “HI!”
Also, a Manchester poet called Mr Paul Jenkins has written a 100-line poem called BE(E) and visited all the Giant Bees to read a line of it in front of each of them!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhdkQfy4yVM
IN OTHER NEWS:
We were all very relieved to find that Wilson, his toys and his New Dad had NOT, after all, been Abducted by Aliens. We expect they’re quite pleased too!
So anyway, we’ve been The Bees, and we’ll see you next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEEE GOOD!
#beeinthecity
30/07/2018
FLEET AIR ARM MUSEUM
By the time we reached our destination the rain had stopped and the sun had emerged!
This made the anorak I’d insisted on Wilson wearing a bit superfluous, but perhaps our holiday weather won’t be so bad after all.
W has a long family history of flying – his Great Great […] Grandfather, Alberto Victor Gutiérrez-López was the legendary Blue Baron in the Great Ant Wars of 1921, so he loves anything about planes, Ancient or Modern!
Unfortunately, though, it’s almost impossible to stop him touching (ie climbing on) the exhibits…
________________
Due to a longstanding agreement it’s The Bees’ turn to blog on Wednesday, so I’m afraid you’ll have to wait until Friday to see what’s inside this enormous museum…
This made the anorak I’d insisted on Wilson wearing a bit superfluous, but perhaps our holiday weather won’t be so bad after all.
W has a long family history of flying – his Great Great […] Grandfather, Alberto Victor Gutiérrez-López was the legendary Blue Baron in the Great Ant Wars of 1921, so he loves anything about planes, Ancient or Modern!
Unfortunately, though, it’s almost impossible to stop him touching (ie climbing on) the exhibits…
________________
Due to a longstanding agreement it’s The Bees’ turn to blog on Wednesday, so I’m afraid you’ll have to wait until Friday to see what’s inside this enormous museum…
29/07/2018
SUMMER’S END
Yesterday I carried Wilson, unconscious, from the Bar up to our room and popped him into bed.
This morning he awoke, staggered over to the window, parted the curtains a couple of inches and peeked cautiously out.
Gazing through the rain-spattered glass, he regarded a scene of wind-lashed trees and huddled pedestrians with umbrellas, in silence.
‘So,’ he said, turning towards me, ‘is that it? Is Summer over now? It’s not even August yet!’
Replying as cheerfully as I could, I said, ’No! Of course not! It’s just more like a traditional English Summer again – you know, Chilly and Damp with Occasional Sunny Periods!’
Anyway, the weather won’t trouble us today. I’ve found the ideal place to take W on a damp day – it’s indoors, and he’ll love it!
This morning he awoke, staggered over to the window, parted the curtains a couple of inches and peeked cautiously out.
Gazing through the rain-spattered glass, he regarded a scene of wind-lashed trees and huddled pedestrians with umbrellas, in silence.
‘So,’ he said, turning towards me, ‘is that it? Is Summer over now? It’s not even August yet!’
Replying as cheerfully as I could, I said, ’No! Of course not! It’s just more like a traditional English Summer again – you know, Chilly and Damp with Occasional Sunny Periods!’
Anyway, the weather won’t trouble us today. I’ve found the ideal place to take W on a damp day – it’s indoors, and he’ll love it!
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