As TT took to his hand-made Lego stage, Wilson remarked, ‘Mister Juicy would have loved this – I’m so sad he’s not here to see it…’
TT tapped his microphone and began:
Hello, good evening, it’s lovely to see you all here! What do you think of the place, eh? “The Happy Ant” – we were going to open next door to a nuclear power plant; then we’d have called it “Fission Chips.”
Speaking of restaurants, I received some bad news whilst eating a curry at an Indian Restaurant: my naan had slipped into a korma.
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married... and she didn't have to hear about how well his mother cooked.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer...
Dyslexic man walks into a bra...
I went to the corner shop — bought four corners.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
We know the location of the Big Apple, but do we know where the Minneapolis?
They're always telling me to live my dreams – but I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for...
So, there was a mathematician who had a cattle farm. He had 198 cows, but when he rounded them up he had 200!
As a child, I had an obsession with Posh Spice — it cost my mum a fortune in saffron...
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool — I gave him a glass of water.
I changed my password to "incorrect" — so whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
Thank you, thank you, you’ve been a wonderful audience – totally lacking a sense of humour, but in every other way, just wonderful!
If you’ve enjoyed the show, I’ve been Tiny Toy, and this is The Happy Ant Diner. If you haven’t enjoyed it, I’m Jim Davidson and this is The Railway Tavern – I love you all.
But before I go, I’d like to leave you with this thought: Always remember you’re unique... just like everyone else.
Thank you, goodnight!
The Grand Opening Firework Display went well enough – in the sense that nobody caught fire – and now Wilson and Byron are behind the bar welcoming their first customers to the Diner.
Tiny Toy will be performing Stand Up Comedy later, and as they arrive customers are handed a legal document to complete.
All diners will be asked to sign a disclaimer to the effect that, if TT makes them laugh so much they choke on their food, TT, Wilson, Byron and the entire management of The Happy Ant Diner shall not be held responsible in any way, shape, manner or form.
Anyone refusing to sign will be told not to listen to TT’s jokes.
As soon as it got dark, Wilson lit his firework.
As displays go, it was a fairly low-key affair, consisting as it did of just one Golden Rain left over from Bonfire Night, but I suppose it did qualify.
The Eurovision Song Contest is one of the Big Events in Wilson’s year, and he’s a bit miffed to be missing it tonight.
He told me earlier that UK Entry SuRie is a ‘shoe-in’ because
(A) she is very nice,
(B) she is singing a good song and, most importantly,
(C) at least half the countries voting aren’t in the EU – where everyone hates us!
He’s asked me to record the show so he can watch it when he gets home from the Diner, but NOT to tell him who won.
Today, as you know, is Wilson’s Official Birthday, but he is at The Happy Ant Diner – along with everyone else – cooking and making last-minute preparations for the Grand Opening this evening.
He has stationed Nërp outside with a tray of Free Snacks for passers-by to taste. I suggested he might want to take it easy with the ant garnishes, but I don’t know whether he’s heeded my advice.
Whatever, Nërp reports a ‘brisk uptake of free snacks’ and assures me that no-one spat the food out – not while he was looking, anyway.
As Friday’s Grand Opening draws ever closer, Wilson is beginning to show some signs of nervousness.
He’s got a lot riding on this latest enterprise – not only hard cash (mostly mine!) but also his credibility as a businessman. Person.
He and Byron are up near the shop pasting up Opening Night posters – but I’ve told them not to stick any in places where people might be annoyed by them.
I suppose that’s down to W’s discretion really.
If he has any – I’ve never noticed any signs of it…
Wilson has put the juke box back together and it appears to be working, although there are quite a few parts left over.
W has adopted a very sanguine attitude, saying that there were obviously too many parts in the first place.
I have some sympathy with this view, as whenever I have to look at a car engine, I always think half the bits are there just to make it look more complicated than it really is, to justify mechanics’ high prices.
Anyway, due to an oversight on Wilson’s part, next Friday is not only the Opening Night of the Happy Ant Diner, it is also his Birthday!
Obviously something had to change, so he’s brought his birthday forward a few days, to today.
Consequently, the Diner is closed for “A Private Function” while W has his party, opens his presents etc.
The trick will be stopping him trying to have ANOTHER party on Friday…
I’m not sure that five days before Opening Night is the ideal time for Wilson to dismantle his juke box.
With Nërp’s and Antony’s help he’s trying to modify the mechanism to take his Peter Dawson 78s, because for some reason he thinks they’re the ideal accompaniment to fine dining.
I fear he may have bitten off more than he can chew this time – I just hope he can get the juke box reassembled and working again by the time he has to return it, or he’ll have to forfeit the deposit…
The Happy Ant Diner aprons have just arrived from the printers!
Wilson and Byron have tried theirs on to ensure they fit well, and have prepared a couple of Ice-Cream Sundaes, just to make sure they’re comfortable to work in.
Unfortunately W has already spilt gin down his, but he’s hoping that, being colourless, it won’t show once it’s dried out.
Anyway, both boys are extremely happy with how sharp and professional they look – I expect Nërp will look equally smart, but he’s having a lot of trouble tying his bow-tie.
And getting his apron over his head.
‘Probably didn’t have the “dressing myself unaided” module installed’ Wilson remarked with a sigh, as he went to investigate…
Everyone is up at The Happy Ant making last-minute preparations for the Grand Opening, planned for next week!
Nërp is arranging the tables and chairs, and doing the heavy lifting, while Antony is laying out the Menus and checking all the Condiments are present and correct, and the squeezy bottles filled.
Wilson has decided the ideal thing for the opening night would be some Live Entertainment – and he’s volunteered Tiny Toy (who never needs much persuasion) to do a standup comedy routine.
Dave and Mole are building him a little stage out of Lego, so he’ll be visible in spite of his small size, while TT himself is in the back writing his script.
Like the late Frankie Howerd, TT likes all his ad-libs to be meticulously planned and rehearsed…
It is now FOUR YEARS since Polly and Billi The Bees were married!
Despite Wilson’s disappointment that he was unable to develop the UK’s Only Same-Sex Insect Wedding Venue into a profitable enterprise, he is immensely fond of the bees, so he has laid on a Romantic Dinner for them in the as-yet unopened Happy Ant Diner.
The Bees’ children, Johnson Major and Johnson Minor, together with Antony, TT, Dave, Mole and Neil (and Uncle Z – he insisted) are at the ‘chef’s table’ in the kitchen, leaving Polly and Billi to romance and relaxation away from parental responsibility.
W has generously laid on a vase of wild flowers as a starter, a honey-scented candle and a bottle of Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey to get them in the mood…
While The Bees were putting up the curtains yesterday, there was some speculation that Wilson and Byron might have skived off.
However, it would seem that they were busy working on the advance publicity for The Happy Ant Diner.
I hope they take it easy with the Waggle Dance Beer while they’re using tools up a ladder!
Also, I should make it quite clear that this is ADVANCE Publicity – the Diner won’t be open for some time yet.
If ever…
Today is the 1st of May – May Day!
We are Polly and Billi The Bees, and this is our Guest Blog.
Of course in normal circumstances we’d be giving you fascinating bee-related news, recipes etc, but today we are Extra Busy Bees, so this blog will be like an Outside Broadcast from Wilson’s New Shop.
We’ve just finished putting up the curtains – a key but frequently-overlooked factor in the success of any business – and we have to admit they look pretty damn fine!
Nërp is inside arranging the furniture and Wilson and Biro are probably doing something vital… although we can’t see any sign of them at the moment.
Anyway, we’d better get on if this enterprise is going to be ready by Opening Night!
We’ve been The Extra Busy Bees, and we’ll see you next month – until then, BEEEEEEEE GOOD!
The boys have gone back to their shop to do some work – Wilson and Byron set off carrying a ladder between them, while Nërp was struggling under the weight of my tool box.
By all reports they’re working very hard and making good progress.
I shall be happy if they don’t break anything and if I don’t get any complaining telephone calls from the neighbouring shops.
Or from the Police…
The boys made an excellent job of the signage for their shop – I must remind Wilson that he is absolutely forbidden to sign-write our new car!
The Bees are in the dining room making curtains for the shop. Wilson tried to help, but Billi gave him short shrift, telling outright him that they’d be finished soonest if left alone!
Uncle Z mocked the price I’d negotiated with the estate agents, saying he could have halved it, due to ‘being in the business.’
He might have got a better deal than me, but I’d think it would be more due to fear of Hornet Stings than professional negotiating skills…
The boys are in the garden making the main sign for their shop – Wilson and Byron are painting while Nërp the Robot spell-checks their work.
While the boys sprayed they chatted together with Nërp about Life, The Universe and Everything – and in particular, what it’s like to be a robot.
Wilson asked him, ‘What is your purpose, Nërp?’
Without hesitation the android replied, ‘To do as I am bid — what is your purpose, Wilson?’
W sighed, before admitting, ‘I only wish I knew!’
After a few minutes of silent contemplation, Wilson asked Nërp a question which has been troubling him for some time: Why so many of his Modules are missing.
In reply, Nërp reminded Wilson, rather testily I thought, ‘You bought me on eBay, at a pocket-money price; is it so surprising that I’m not quite 100% functional, in one or two totally non-essential areas? And anyway, what were you expecting – Data from Star Trek?’
The boys were making their way home in a pretty despondent mood when, a little way down a side road off the High Street, Nërp noticed an empty shop.
He pointed it out to Wilson and Byron, and they all went to take a closer look.
When they arrived back home, Wilson told me excitedly that they’d all fallen in love with this place – it suited their needs perfectly, looked nice and, moreover, it was in a good area.
W explained to me that it was definitely in a ‘heavy footfall, up-market quarter,’ not only because of the other, totally non-derelict shops either side but also because he’d seen ‘affluent’ pedestrians walking past.
I promised I’d give the Estate Agent a call tomorrow to see how much it would cost to lease the place for a week.
I think Wilson and Byron are becoming a little bit disheartened as their search for commercial premises turns up yet another clunker.
Their latest find, judging by its name, might have been a Vape Shop in a previous life – I sincerely hope that’s not what the boys are intending to open!
Nor a Tattoo Parlour – in fact, the list of things I hope they’re not going to do is long, and getting longer every day…
Nërp, however, retains a generally positive outlook, apparently undismayed by the procession of derelict properties he is asked to appraise each day.
I suppose as an AI he doesn’t have the Emotional Involvement that effects humans and anteaters – an attitude which I sometimes think has much to commend it.
To celebrate yesterday’s birth of the new Royal Prince, here is a photo of Wilson (or Boo, as he was then called) as a newborn.
Following a falling-out with HM The Queen Wilson isn’t much of a Royalist, but he has been to the village Betting Shop to place a couple of wagers on the baby prince’s name: he’s got 50p on Dylan, and another 50p on Baby McBabyface.
That’s £1 he’ll never see again, although he did get exceedingly good odds!
Wilson has gone back into town with Byron and Nërp in search of Suitable Premises for their new enterprise.
Unfortunately, they’ve returned to the less savoury end of town where they say property will be cheaper (I can well believe that!) although still entirely out of their financial reach.
The appeal of the place they’ve just come across – which appears to be in even worse state than their last find, “Arcade Heaven” – seems to be that it comes complete with an illuminated sign. I think it’s more likely that the sign has just been dumped outside the shop and abandoned.
Nërp, having promised me he’d keep an eye on the boys, is by turns pleading with, and ordering them, to leave The Badlands district, but so far without success.
Wilson Is Not For Turning…
Last night we all spent a long time discussing whether or not we should purchase the derelict Amusement Arcade the boys found – and I think we’re in agreement that we should not proceed with that venture.
Phew!
Right now Wilson and Byron are relaxing in the garden with some of the children, while Nërp recharges his battery indoors (so as not to overheat in the sun – he’s already too hot to touch).
W + B are having a whispered discussion, so I fear their next project – whatever it is – is still on the cards, and they’ve already told me they plan to return to Property Hunting tomorrow.
I have suggested that they go to a nicer part of town – they obviously can’t afford to buy any property, so at least they can not afford somewhere salubrious rather than not affording somewhere frightful!
