Wilson proudly produced two (cardboard) coins, saying, 'I present to you... the V-Coin!'
'Wow!' I exclaimed, for want of anything more intelligent to say.
'These,' he continued, 'are the prototype designs my V-Coins – although of course, the REAL V-Coins aren't physical, they just live inside my computer.'
Then he showed me a little slot in his (ie MY) computer where he inserts the V-Coins(!), and which I had previously, naïvely, believed to be a ventilation hole.
If W has been posting coins into it, that would probably account for the funny noise the computer's been making lately...
Then he told me that, 'If anyone asks, the V in V-Coin stands for 'Virtual' but actually,' he paused to look over his shoulder and lowered his voice to a whisper, 'it stands for Vermilingua! Brilliant, eh?'
Having been up most of the night doing 'research' online, Wilson called me into the kitchen so he could present his findings.
Referring to his flipchart, he began:
❝ In March 2010 one Bitcoin was worth 0.2p ($0.003)
Just before last Xmas it was worth £12,580 ($17,000).
If I had bought just 98 Bitcoins in 2010, at a total cost of £0.22 (¢.030) I would be a £ millionaire by now...❞
'Is that really true?' I asked, shocked by his figures. 'Just ONE Bitcoin's value increased from less than a penny to... more than £12,000?'
I can give you the figures in Euros, if you prefer, he replied.
'To be fair,' he continued, 'there was a massive devaluation event just before Xmas, where it lost a third of its value in 24 hours... but that is irrelevant, because this isn't about Bitcoins...'
'It's not?' I asked, shocked by this sudden and unexpected change in direction.
'Bitcoins,' he continued, 'are History – the Big Money has already been made! I'm talking about something else entirely – something so new I've not even quite finished inventing it yet...'
____________
Members of the Wilson Vermilingua Appreciation Society – make sure you take a look at the App Soc Facebook Page later today: there'll be a small but EXCLUSIVE Free Gift for you!
Now that Wilson's brother, Byron, has gone back to the zoo, the house is very quiet.
Wilson is just wandering around listlessly and watching more daytime tv than I approve of, so today I packed him, Antony and TT into the car and took them all to the seaside for some kite-flying, fresh air and al fresco dining.
W seemed to enjoy himself, but I could tell he was a bit... distracted. As we drove home I discovered what he'd been musing about when he asked me, 'New Dad – what do you know about Bitcoins?'
My heart sank a little, but I told him what I knew – which wasn't much.
'Well,' I replied, 'Bitcoin is a "Virtual Currency". It's like imaginary money that only exists because a lot of people think it exists. You "earn" Bitcoins by solving difficult problems on a computer (it's called "Bitcoin Mining") and there can never be more than 21 million Bitcoins in existence – except they don't really exist anyway...'
I went on to warn him not to get involved, as the prevailing wisdom is that Bitcoin could go bust at any moment.
I didn't want yesterday's incident at the car park to spoil Byron's last day with us, so I refunded all the dissatisfied visitors to Wilson's Motor Museum myself and let the boys keep their somewhat ill-gotten gains.
Then, following a large and elaborate dinner, cooked by W and described by him as The Last Supper (I picked all the ants out of mine, but I did it subtly, so as not to cause offence) he and Byron spent their final night sleeping in the washing machine.
This morning Byron was preparing to return to the zoo the way he had arrived – on the bus – but burdened as he was by his Xmas presents, gifts for his family, left-over food etc, I insisted on taking him in the car.
I must say, the house is going to seem very quiet without the sounds of him and Wilson shouting, laughing, wrestling and generally getting into mischief – I hope W doesn't feel too lonely without him here...
When the boys asked if they could open a Motor Museum, I thought that would just involve them arranging Wilson's toy cars in his 'Museum' and charging me to look at them.
This morning, though, I had a telephone call from the police, asking me to come down to the Luxford Car Park in the village as there was a disturbance.
When I arrived i found Wilson sitting in a Booth selling Admission Tickets, while Byron was manning a barrier.
They were allowing cars to enter the car park without restriction, but attempting to charge pedestrians £5 to (as Wilson put it) 'view the constantly-changing exhibition of cars old and new'.
Even owners trying to return to their own cars previously parked there were being charged unless they could show Wilson a RE-ADMIT stamp on the back of their hands to 'prove' they owned one of the 'exhibits'...
Byron has been staying with us for several weeks now, and he's beginning to show signs of home-sickness – Wilson and I agree that the time is drawing near when he should return to his family at the Zoo.
Before he leaves, though, they've both asked whether they can do one last project together.
Do you remember last Bonfire Night when I took the boys to the Bentley Wildlife and Motor Museum, to pass the time until the fireworks were let off? They've asked whether, as a final adventure, they can start their own Motor Museum.
I imagine this will involve them arranging all Wilson's toy cars – possibly including Uncle Z's Citroën van – in Wilson's 'Museum' (AKA garden shed) then charging me £5 to look at them.
I can't see any harm in that, so I've told them to go for it!
______________
HELLO CANADA! 🇨🇦
I didn't mean to leave you out yesterday – it's just that I was unaware that Wilson had any new readers there!
Uncle Zoltan has gathered everyone in the living room where he is explaining his long absence.
He tells how he bought the Citroën toy van on eBay during a period of depression following his receipt of the rejection letter from Vogue UK magazine.
It had apparently been a longstanding dream of his to re-introduce the 'Wasp Waist' in Haute Couture, and the post of Editor of Vogue would have put him in an ideal position to bring this dream to fruition. Sadly, though, it was not to be.
He then revealed that his World Tour had taken him to many far-flung and exotic foreign destinations, including Buxted and even Piltdown, where he plied his many trades for the grateful natives.
Byron and all the children were spellbound by Uncle Z's Traveller's Tales, but Wilson – himself no stranger to exaggeration in aid of a good story – just listened without comment, apparently absorbed in examining the photo of Byron and himself in their Star Wars Rebel Helmets, but occasionally raising one eyebrow or rolling his eyes in surprise at some particularly unlikely statement...
_____
Wilson would like to say Hi! 👏 to his new readers in Poland, Ukraine, Russia, Germany and France, and wish them all a Happy New Year!
The Boys are just back from Tesco – they went to use the Photo-Me machine to take a picture of themselves wearing their Star Wars helmets.
Wilson didn't make any New Year's Resolutions this year – he told me he hadn't used up last year's yet – but I have resolved to walk briskly for a mile every afternoon. By the end of the year I will have walked the equivalent of from here to The Lizard, or to Blackpool!
W kindly offered to keep me company, but he's far from brisk, constantly stopping to look at things, ask questions and have a sit down. Moreover, half-way round he announced that he was 'Totes exhausted' and couldn't walk another step.
Carrying him for half a mile was certainly good exercise, but it was almost too much for me – tomorrow I shall go on my own.
Unless it's raining, in which case I won't go at all...
Happy New Year – we are 🐝Polly and 🐝Billi The Bees, and this is our GuestBlog!
There's no point pretending otherwise – 2018 is going to be a tough year for Bees, what with all the insecticides and weedkillers that are making us sick.
So we're relying on YOU to help us create a world that's safe for our children, Johnson Major and Johnson Minor, to grow up in.
We're sure that with YOUR HELP (and Uncle Zoltan's, of course) we can do it!
And remember, every time you buy a pot of Honey, or a bottle of Mead or Honey Whiskey, you are helping bees less fortunate than us.
Also, have you noticed our way cool coffee mug with a design of a Bee wearing a Gas Mask on it? You can buy a mug just like it from:
http://weaddup.com/products/gasmask-save-the-bees-11oz-mug
– and right now there seems to be an extra 5% discount!
Wilson will be back on Wednesday with more of the same old nonsense he's always banging on about, and we'll see you again next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD!
Boxing Day* was spent catching up on Xmas tv.
Batman – The Lego Movie was very well received, but things took a turn for the worse when we watched Jurassic World – Tiny Toy had to be escorted outside and given a mild sedative, and EVERYONE insisted on sleeping in my bed that night... including the sTone brothers, who hadn't even watched the film, but had picked up on the general atmosphere of terror!
But now that Xmas is pretty-much over, we're looking forward to the New Year and hoping that – as Billi puts it – it's a bit less crap than 2017!
Tomorrow being the first of the month, it's The Bees' turn to blog, so Wilson, Byron, the entire family and I would like to wish you a
❤️ VERY HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR! ❤️
See you again on Wednesday...
_____
* Boxing Day is a holiday celebrated on the day after Christmas Day. It originated in the United Kingdom, and is celebrated in a number of countries that previously formed part of the British Empire. Is this stuff educational or what?!
As evening fell, everyone decided to record the Xmas TV programmes for later, and carry on playing.
Following the liberal consumption of Honey Whiskey, The Bees broke out one of their tubes of Got 2 Bee Hair Spiking Glue and called for volunteers.
I made a narrow escape by pleading baldness, but everyone else seemed more than willing to have a Full Fur Makeover...
For Xmas, everyone received a Unicorn Horn, and Wilson and Byron were each presented with a miniature bottle of Honey Whiskey by the Bees.
The Bees also gave everyone a carton of Just Bee Honey Water in various flavours.
Polly and Billi gave each other tubes of Got 2 Bee Hair Spiking Glue.
I gave W and B Star Wars Helmets, now that Wilson's pain at not being cast in the lead of the new film has receded.
After Xmas Dinner, the whole family spent a happy afternoon playing Traditional Xmas Games – Carrot In A Box, Roll The Onion, Cucumber Snooker, Pin The Tail On The Cabbage, Brussels Sprout Table Football and so on. (When Wilson lived at the Zoo, his family pretty much had to make their own fun...)
We all had a lovely day, but I think W appreciated having his brother Byron here for the celebrations...
Now I understand what all the lightbulbs were for!
Apparently it WAS going to say HAPPY XMAS UCKFIELD, but the lightbulbs were more expensive than W expected, so he cut back on the letters. Still, the thought was there!
Wilson and Byron – and everyone else, probably – will be playing with their new toys and nursing hangovers for a little while, so there won't be any Blog Posts etc for a few days.
I expect we'll be recovered in time for the New Year's Celebrations, but in the meantime everyone here at Chez New Dad wishes you – whether you live in Uckfield or not – a
VERY HAPPY XMAS!
Following an unexplained absence of TEN MONTHS, Uncle Zoltan has returned, driving a Citroën H Dinky Toy van, and is behaving as though nothing has happened!
By the time Wilson arrived Uncle Z was busy telling the children how he has been on a round-the-world trip – visiting exotic foreign lands as far-afield as Buxted and Piltdown – and hinting at his many exciting adventures there.
Finally he noticed Wilson, greeting him with, 'Oh – are you still living here?'
Needless to say, The Bees are delighted to be reunited with their relative, but W is not best pleased by the return of his nemesis – and this comes on top of the sad news that an Aardvark is 'unaccounted for' in a fire at London Zoo.
Tiny Toy, struggling back to the house with a branch of mistletoe after delivering Xmas Cards to the sTone Brothers, came across a strange vehicle which (being very interested in cars) he immediately identified as a vintage Citroën type H van parked – or perhaps abandoned – in the garden!
Remembering that The Bees had worked as Parking Enforcement Operatives last Summer, he went straight to them, thinking they might like to write the van a Parking Ticket.
The Bees relayed the news of this unexpected vehicle's arrival to Wilson, and soon everyone trooped into the garden to see what was occurring...
We are now, as Dr Who once put it, Halfway Through the Darkness for today is the Winter Solstice!
Wilson appears to be marking the day by taking delivery of a huge consignment of light bulbs – he and Byron have carried them carefully out to the Museum (ie Shed) to work on a 'Secret Project'.
Whatever they're up to out there, I hope it takes Wilson's mind off 'Ms Claudia', from whom there is still no news – I'm pretty sure he'd been hoping for a short Engagement and an Xmas Wedding!
In case you're wondering, Father Xmas' gifts to the boys yesterday were a Mouth Organ (Wilson) and a Kazoo (Byron).
Last night they practiced on them with great gusto, long into the early hours... which may account for the headache I'm experiencing this morning.
Now, however, they have other things on their minds, for today is the day Wilson has chosen to launch his Grass Jam product, with it's newly-designed label.
This new label apparently incorporates all the best features from the previous shortlist of designs, and W says it's so great that it would 'Make the Jam sell itself, even if it tasted terrible!'
This is good news, because the jam does, in fact, taste terrible...
The Bees have asked me to mention that their Uncle Zoltan disappeared without a trace ten months ago today, and they'd like you to keep an eye open for any sign of him.
In other news, W still hasn't heard from Ms Claudia...
Once they'd downed their Xmas Milkshakes (topped with dried ants from Wilson's emergency rations) and cookies, I took the boys round to Santa's Grotto.
Xmas is a completely alien concept to young Byron, as they don't really celebrate it at the zoo where he lives with his family, so W explained what would happen:
'You go in and it's all dark and creepy, (that's why it's called a Grotty) and there's this old man waiting for you – he's even older than my New Dad, if that's possible! – and you have to sit on his lap. If he asks if you've been good you say, "Yes I have – I've been very good!"... and then he gives you a present!'
Byron thought about this for a moment, then said that this sounded exactly like the kind of thing his Mum had warned him about.
Wilson dismissed this, but added, 'When you say how good you've been, make sure you sound sincere – but not like you've been practicing saying it all morning!'
______________________
No word yet from Ms Claudia...
Occupying children is specially difficult in the run up to Xmas – I don't want Wilson and Byron sitting in front of the TV all day, nor do I want them getting into mischief.
So today I've taken them to a local Garden Centre just to get them out of the house.
In Springtime, Garden Centre Visits are always expensive, what with Wilson buying trolley-loads of plants for the garden, but a Winter visit with him and his brother is proving no less expensive: there are tree decorations they simply cannot live without, and of course there's the Restaurant...
Last night Wilson joined the bees watching the Strictly Come Dancing Finale.
He didn't really enjoy the dancing part, although he thought Craig Revel Horwood was very funny.
The big event of the night, however, was when W noticed Ms Claudia Wilkleman... and was instantly infatuated!
He's in the living room right now watching Strictly on Catch-Up – fast-forwarding through the dances and all the fillers, then mooning over the lovely 'Miss Claudia'...
I have to say this seems like another highly unsuitable match – what with Ms W being 45 and happily married with three children – but Wilson says that whereas Ms Joni Mitchell was just an infatuation, this is 'The Real Thing!'
As tactfully as I could, I tried to raise some of my reservations; Wilson countered, 'But New Dad – she is A-Ma-Zing, daahling! Fab-U-Lous!'
Someone had better get in touch with Ms Caroline Katz to let her know she's no longer Wilson's fiancée...
