When I tried to mow the lawn so the bees could mark out their footy field, I found that the lawn mower wouldn't start.
Closer examination revealed Antony sitting in the battery compartment, pretending he was driving a Formula 1 racing car, while Dave the Pig attempted to carry out a wheel change...
Wilson asked me to save some of the grass cuttings, telling me that I was overlooking a 'valuable cash crop.' He's going to try making Grass Jam and Grass Marmalade.
I hope he puts enough ants in it to take away the taste of grass.
And weedkiller.
In spite of Wilson's recent exhortations against football, today he is mowing the lawn at the request of The Bees.
This is because they have a 'Big Match' soon, and they need to mark out their football pitch in good time.
W is making quite heavy weather of the mowing — and I can sort of see his point of view: he's not tall enough to reach the handle of the mower.
I expect that means I shall be doing it myself, as soon as I've had my morning coffee...
Hello, we are Polly and Billi the Bees, and this is our Guest Blog!
Today we've brought our children, Johnson Major and Johnson Minor, with us to our little allotment to help us improve the environment by planting some lovely seeds and tend our seedlings. It's great fun – you might enjoy it too, if you give it a try!
What with so many terrible things going on in the world, we thought we'd try to cheer you up today with some jokes! Here goes:
Q: What do you call a Bee that lives in America?
A: A USB
Q: What buzzes, is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea?
A: A bee in a submarine.
Q: What do you do with a sick Wasp?
A: Take it to a Waspital.
We should point out that these jokes were supplied by Wilson's Tiny Toy. We don't understand any of them, so if they're rude, please accept our apologies.
However, TT assured us that they were 'Comedy Gold!'
Speaking of terrible things, and not wanting to bring you down after that comedic interlude, it is now four months since dear Uncle Zoltan disappeared. Please be on the lookout for him while you're out and about.
If you come across Uncle Z, DO NOT APPROACH HIM, but just call us on Wilson's New Dad's telephone number straight away!
Anyway, we've been The Bees, and we'll see you all next month – until then, BEEEEEEE GOOD! 🐝🐝🐞🐞
Wilson popped out of the room for a moment, and I could hear him rummaging around in the tumble dryer.
When he returned, he had a small photograph in his paw, which he held up so everyone could see. We all squinted at it.
'On the last day of the holiday, I persuaded Dennis to come out sight-seeing with me, and we went to see the Lighthouse at the Needles,' he explained.
'Dennis didn't really want to come on the boat with me, but I convinced him he'd enjoy it, so eventually he agreed to come.'
'Is that how he always looks when he's enjoying himself?' Billi asked drily.
'No, he didn't really enjoy it at all.' Wilson replied. 'He was sea-sick over the side!'
Wilson passed the photo to me, explaining that it had been taken with Dennis' vintage camera, which is apparently his pride and joy. However, not only is a trip to the Chemist's involved before one can see the pictures, it's output seems to leave something to be desired...
After staying up well past his bedtime last night, Wilson has just finished the next instalment of your free 2017 calendar: JULY 2017.
The picture shows him being very brave on the Isle of Wight – not on the holiday with his friend Dennis (which by all accounts was a bit of a disaster) but when he went there with me a year or so ago.
The whole family had so many questions about Wilson's holiday with Dennis that he assembled everyone in the living room to tell them about it.
First he said that he just missed the IoW Festival – he should have taken his tent – so no, sadly he did not see Rod Stewart. Or The Undertones. Nor Barry Gibb. (Unsurprising, as Barry Gibb was at Glastonbury, not IoW!)
Polly asked whether he'd happened to see any sign of Uncle Zoltan on Wight Island, and W said he had not.
There followed a barrage of questions from his excited family.
W held up his paw for silence and admitted that he'd spent the entire holiday indoors with Dennis watching old VHS tapes of County Cricket Matches on a black-and-white tv, while drinking Earl Grey tea with no milk... but with plenty of tea-leaves floating around in the cup.
A shocked Antony asked, 'What – so you didn't go out at all? In the hottest week in living memory?'
'We went out just once,' W replied, adding, 'I've got a photo here somewhere...'
While Wilson was away I hired a Skip [Dumpster] so I could sort out some of my rubbish. It's on the front drive, so it's pretty difficult to miss. Wilson did not miss it.
As soon as the car had stopped he jumped out and dashed over, fished out an old amplifier to stand on and began rooting through the contents looking for 'exhibits' for his 'museum'.
I knew I should have had it collected before W returned – I know from past experience that everything except the used tea bags and coffee capsules will be retrieved, cleaned and exhibited in the 'Wilson Vermilingua Museum of Old Stuff and a Robot'.
'Why don't you come inside to say hello to everyone?' I asked, 'Have a nice chocolate milkshake and some cookies? The skip will still be there tomorrow.'
Reluctantly he climbed down and we went indoors...
On the drive home, Wilson explained that, contrary to the title of the article he'd been reading in New Scientist, Reality is not so much Real as surreal.
Grasping the existential nettle which I knew lay at the root of this discussion, I asked him, 'So, do you believe you're real or not?'
'Oh, I'm Real!' he replied, confidently.
I relaxed, hoping that another Crisis had been averted... but he continued, 'So long as I'm being observed, anyway – we mustn't forget that the Copenhagen Interpretation is still the Standard Model. You must look at me constantly to ensure I don't wink out of existence.'
I glanced across at him, but he shrieked, 'Watch the road, New Dad – I'm too young to die!'
Trying desperately to change the subject, I asked, 'So how was your holiday?'
Wilson held up a massive and ancient book entitled Modern Etiquette for Modern Anteaters, saying, 'Dennis gave me this. He said my manners were "not incapable of improvement" in some departments.'
My hackles rose a little at this, as I believe his manners to be impeccable (for an anteater) but I continued to ask about what he'd been up to.
He seemed uncharacteristically reticent in his answers...
I arrived at the station a few minutes late, and I found Wilson sitting on the platform waiting for me with his cases, engrossed in a copy of New Scientist Magazine.
Glancing at the cover, I saw that the featured article was, REALITY IS REAL – we've just been looking for it in the wrong place and my spirits sank a little at the thought of Wilson suffering another Crisis Of Reality.
Anyway, he seemed as pleased to see me as I was to see him, and gathering up his cases we headed back to the car.
I've just received a call from Wilson (he borrowed one of the zoo keepers' phones) saying that he'll be coming home tomorrow, and asking me to meet him at London Road Station!
I'll be glad when he's safely home again – with just me, Diesel the Goldfish and all W's stuffed toys, the house is just too quiet without him...
_____
If you were listening to BBC Radio 5 Live's 5 Live Breakfast at around 8:20 this morning, you probably heard Wilson's name mentioned!
I hope he heard it too... although Dennis is probably more of a BBC Radio Four listener...
☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️
As the temperature soars to an almost-unprecedented 32ºC (90ºF) I hope Wilson is wearing his sun hat and putting some Factor 50 on the end of his sniffer.
I expect the zoo keepers will take care of that, won't they?
The house is very quiet with just me, Diesel the goldfish and dozens of stuffed toys — I'll be glad when Wilson returns home...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI
Yesterday the postman brought me a letter addressed to:
New Dad
New Dad's House
Uckfield
England
Europe (for the time being)
The World
The Milky Way Galaxy
DO NOT BEND! DO NOT OPEN UNTIL SUNDAY!
The use of the title 'New Dad' was a bit of a clue, and as expected it turned out to be a Father's Day communication from Wilson.
I've still not heard from Wilson, so I'm assuming that everything's okay.
Here, though, is an update on his Strawberry Farm.
I've been watering his plants every day, Dave the Pig has been guarding them every night and the weather has been lovely – and here are the early fruits of our labours...
I suspect that these may not actually be the first strawberries – it's more than likely that the earliest crop was used by W for 'taste-testing'!
Dave and I have had one each (not a word to Wilson!) and I can confirm that they are delicious.
10/10 for flavour and succulence, 8/10 for size. 🍓🍓🍓🍓🍓
The trains from Uckfield don't connect with Portsmouth, so I've driven Wilson to London Road Station, just outside Brighton, from where he will catch a train into Brighton and hence to Portsmouth.
From there he will board the Isle of Wight Ferry.
I don't know whether the zoo where Dennis lives has Wi-Fi — if not I guess I shan't hear from Wilson until he phones to be collected from the station on his return.
He'll only be away for a few days, but I know from experience how very quiet and empty the house feels without him... 😕
Wilson is busy packing everything he can think of in preparation for his holiday with Dennis on the Isle of Wight.
He'll only be away for a few days – I can't believe he'll have time to use half the stuff he plans on taking with him...
This morning Wilson received a letter from Dennis – the Giant Anteater who lives on the Isle of Wight – inviting him over to stay for a few days.
Wilson has just RSVP'd to Dennis, saying that he'd be delighted to visit with him, and enquiring whether he should bring any Formal Attire* with him, as he knows Dennis likes to change for Dinner.
Dennis is not only pretty posh, he's also a Role Model for Wilson – when he comes back we'll probably have to start using butter knives and jam spoons. Doilies and antimacassars. Keep our elbows off the dining table...
W was mortified at having to send his reply in a brown envelope, but I assured him that if Dennis was any sort of friend, he would understand.
When he took his letter to the post box round the corner, he was very surprised by the poster he saw taped to its side...
* His black bow-tie
This morning Wilson was determined to do his duty as a British Citizen and cast his vote in the General Election.
In spite of his being well under 18 – and an anteater – he told me he was even willing to forego his liberty in the pursuit of exercising his Democratic Right to Vote.
'If I don't cast my vote,' he told me earnestly, 'we might get stuck with some mendacious dummy like President Trump!'
'If they lock me up,' he continued, 'they lock me up – it is what it is! I shall go forward in the spirit of the famous Ms Emily Pankhurst!'
Accordingly he accompanied me to the Voting Station, clutching his home-made Voting Card in his paw, ready to argue his case with anyone who tried to prevent him exercising his suffrage.
As we arrived, he proclaimed loudly to a surprised group of voters in the car park, 'I am here, not because I am a law-breaker; I am here in my effort to become a law-maker!'
However, once he saw the policeman outside the entrance to the Polling Station, his bravado deserted him.
I can sympathise with him – I feel just the same if a police car is following me, even though I'm doing well under the speed limit! 😕
_____________
You've got until 10pm to cast your vote! But don't leave it too late – there might be a queue!
Wilson noticed that the bench at the top of Mallard Drive has been transformed from what previously resembled a building site into what now looks like a lovely area to sit and relax.
Now he has told everyone that he's organising a 'Picnic At Chestnut Ridge' which is what the area is apparently called.
Everybody was very excited, and they all set off together – apart from the immobile sTone Brothers, who I agreed to take round later in the car.
When I dropped them off, I found Wilson almost engulfed in flames as he tried to brew a pot of Ant Coffee.
He said it was a temporary inconvenience and everything was under control.
I hope he's right, because once the coffee is done he intends to cook his signature dish, Ant Lasagna. I've never seen a lasagna cooked on a paraffin stove before, and I fear it may be beyond his abilities.
I wished everyone good luck, and told Wilson I would pop home and bring him a fire extinguisher, just in case.
I sensed that Antony was uneasy about the picnic. I asked him what was the matter, and he whispered, 'I can't help comparing this to the classic movie Picnic At Hanging Rock – I'm just waiting for the other children to disappear...'
Last night we all stayed up well past Wilson's bedtime to watch Ariana Grande's wonderful One Love Manchester concert on tv.
This morning I heard that over £2,000,000 – $2.6M or €2.3M – had been raised by the concert to help the bereaved and injured from the Manchester bombing.
Billi got a bit overexcited at the end when Liam Gallagher appeared, although she was disappointed that his brother Noel hadn't turned up too. As she said, 'If Mr Robbie can sing alongside TakeThat, I think that's the least Mr Noel could have done...'
If you like, you can still contribute to the We Love Manchester Emergency Fund by clicking:
https://beta.redcross.org.uk/appeal/manchester-emergency-fund
Following last year's Pick-Your-Own Tomato Farm debacle, Wilson has decided to start small with this year's new venture: PICK-YOUR-OWN STRAWBERRIES.
Consequently he has planted only two baskets of strawberry plants so he can calculate Yield per Hectare ratios, EU Subsidy Rates etc and decide how much of the garden to set aside for strawberry cultivation.
I hope he leaves a tiny corner for me to sit in the shade and read...
Polly and Billi The Bees have been entrusted with the responsibility of Pollinating the strawberry flowers, while Dave The Pig has been assigned to Guard Duty, commencing as soon as the fruit starts to ripen.
Dave is extremely proud to have been entrusted with what he calls 'this vital task'!
