20/02/2016

BLACKMAIL IS AN UGLY WORD

I usually snap Wilson out of these episodes by suggesting we go away on a holiday, but at the moment our holiday fund has been dangerously depleted by the unexpected purchase of his very expensive telescope. Right now, in fact, we could barely afford an afternoon in Seaford, although I would dearly love to have a vacation soon!

At the moment he's just finished fixing another of his PeTA posters to the dining room wall. When I asked him if all these posters were resulting in holes in the wall, and whether BluTack wouldn't be better than nails, he deftly changed the subject by announcing that towards the end of FURbruary he intends to produce his own naked anti-fur poster...


I demanded an immediate, cast-iron assurance that I would not be featured in this poster.


He told me that rather depended on how the F1 Coffee Machine went... 


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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Snuggle with a Snake!



19/02/2016

OBSESSION

Several of Wilson's friends have been in touch to say they've had similar dreams to mine — they all involved Formula 1 racing cars, and on waking they all had a desire to watch some Formula 1 racing while drinking coffee!

I'm afraid Wilson has fallen prey to another of his Idée Fixe — an obsession to, in this case, acquire an £8000 coffee machine in the form of a V8 racing engine. 


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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion:
Treasure a Tamandua!



17/02/2016

STRANGE DREAM

After lunch today I dozed off in the living room, and had the strangest dream!

I dreamed that Lewis Hamilton had parked his Formula 1 racing car outside the house and was pouring me a coffee from the exhaust pipe!


Awaking with a start, I found Wilson staring intently at me! We locked eyes, and I couldn't seem to look away...


I think he's practicing his old 'mind control' thing again, to persuade me to spend £8000 on a new 'V8-style' coffee machine for him.


That clearly isn't going to happen, but if you take my advice, I'd try to avoid looking too deeply into his eyes today.


Not around the eyes... into the eyes... d e e p into the eyes...


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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Caress a Cow!




16/02/2016

FORMULA 1 COFFEE

By the time we got home from our kite-flying adventure it was quite late, and Wilson went straight to bed.

First thing this morning, though, he printed out his Valentine Card, his Valentine Messages, and a picture of the new coffee machine he wants me to buy for him.


It looks exactly like a V8 Racing Engine... and costs almost as much! It's £8000 plus delivery!


He says that since I am an animal too, and as such included in FURbruary, he has a BRILLIANT surprise planned for me too... so at least I shall feel maximum guilt when the coffee machine doesn't happen!


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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Be Lovely to a Llama!




15/02/2016

WILSON RECEIVES SOME WELCOME NEWS

As dusk fell it grew quite chilly, so Wilson and I repaired to a nearby pub for a hot drink and something to eat.

While I was ordering at the Bar, I heard W shout 'YESSSSS!!!' and I turned just in time to see him punching the air.


Hurrying back to our table, I asked him what had occurred. 


He waved his phone towards me and said, 'I just checked my email, and I've had a Valentines e-card and THREE Valentine messages! ALL from people I'm NOT RELATED TO!'

Once he'd calmed down and our food had arrived we got to chatting, and I asked him about yesterday's FURbruary Task Suggestion, 'Buy your Anteater a new Luxury Coffee Machine!'


'Oh yes,' he replied, 'I've been meaning to talk to you about that. I'm a bit tired of our old coffee machine — I'd like something with a bit more Va-Va-Voom!'


'Va-Va-Voom?' I asked, 'All it's got to do is make coffee!' but he insisted he'd found just the perfect machine, and he'd show it to me as soon as we got home.


And I was sitting down.


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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Welcome a Wasp!



14/02/2016

VALENTINE'S DAY

St Valentine's Day is Wilson's least-favourite day of the year, emphasising as it does his lack of a girlfriend.

Yesterday one card arrived in the post for him, signed anonymously from his 'Secret Admirer'. He is convinced this is from his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, and calls it his annual 'pity card'.


To distract him from this, and from yesterday's disappointing news about his New Planet, I took him up onto the South Downs — just the two of us, with his kite and a picnic — hoping this would blow away the cobwebs and raise his spirits.


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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Buy your Anteater a new Luxury Coffee Machine!




13/02/2016

SYNCHRONICITY

This morning Wilson emailed the editor of Astronomy Now magazine, partly to chase him up, partly to suggest that naming his new planet 'Vermilingua' might have more gravitas than his original suggestion of 'Wilson'.

Barely had he clicked Send when a new message pinged in from the editor, their communications having crossed in the ether. Or cyberspace.


It was a very nice message, thanking W for apprising the magazine of his new planetary discovery and his naming suggestion.


However, it continued, it would not be possible to call it 'Wilson' as it already had a name: BA8461 CFE13U.


It appears that W's 'New Planet' was a BA CityFlier aircraft en route from London City Airport to Ibiza.


'Oh,' Wilson said, rather crestfallen. 'Well, I suppose that explains the flashing lights...'


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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Love a Lobster!



12/02/2016

GRAVITY WAVES

Wilson is a bit down today, having just learned of the detection yesterday of Gravity Waves.

His low spirits are due in part to his thinking that the editor of Astronomy Today magazine might now be to busy too deal with his email about his new planet, and partly because the gravity wave news will depress the resale value of his telescope on eBay.


'No-one will want a telescope after this,' he explained to me, 'they'll all want gravitywavescopes!'


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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Kiss a Kingfisher!



11/02/2016

NO-WIN NO-FEE

Uncle Zoltan is convalescing in bed following his accident with Wilson's telescope. 

Wilson fears that he will fall prey to some unscrupulous No-Win No-Fee solicitor who will persuade him to sue W for having an unsafe telescope.


Polly has gone to visit Uncle Z with some of the children, taking with her a bottle of Lucozade and a big flagon of nasty medicine... and strict instructions from W not to mention compensation!


While she was away on her mission of mercy, Wilson remarked that if Uncle Z is the telescope expert he claims to be, it's a shame he didn't know a bit more about not falling into them. 


And not walking all over the main mirror!


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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Cuddle a Crow!



10/02/2016

PANCAKE DAY!

Uncle Zoltan was finally freed from the telescope last night after Polly knitted a tiny rope ladder which was lowered down the barrel, enabling him to climb out.

As soon as Uncle Z was free, Wilson inspected the optics of his apparatus and complained that there were now a lot of tiny footprints all over the main mirror, which will require him ordering a specialist feather duster or similar on-line.


Still no news about his 'new planet' from Astronomy Now magazine, but W distracted himself by cooking Shrove Tuesday pancakes for dinner. 


Once I'd picked the ants out of mine, I have to admit they were delicious...


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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Make The Most of a Mouse!



09/02/2016

DANGERS OF ASTRONOMY

Last night Uncle Zoltan, who knows almost everything about almost everything (allegedly) was explaining to Wilson how the optics of a Reflecting Astronomical Telescope work... when he fell in!

He's been stuck inside all night, and since first thing this morning W and The Bees have been out in the garden feeding him honey and trying to liberate him. 


Although everyone is doing their very utmost to effect a rescue, Uncle Z is not in the best of moods... which is a Very Bad Thing!


Still, it has taken Wilson's mind off his 'new planet' for a little while!


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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Buddy Up with a Bee!




08/02/2016

CHINESE NEW YEAR — GONG HEY FAT CHOY

Year of the Monkey!

Following his discovery last night of a 'new planet' Wilson is composing an email to the Editor of Astronomy Now, informing him of his breakthrough and proposing that it should be called Planet Wilson. 


He's just told me that his planet had flashing lights on it, so there is probably an intelligent alien civilisation living on it...


For my part, I feel as though I've been living on 'Planet Wilson' pretty much ever since he came to live with me.


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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Be Matey with a Monkey!



07/02/2016

THE SKY AT NIGHT

Undismayed by the light rain and the 100% cloud cover, Wilson peered enthusiastically through his telescope as darkness fell.

I kept him company because it seemed unkind not to, and as he scanned the skies he explained to me that Pluto has recently been de-planetised, meaning that there are now only EIGHT planets. He is on a mission to discover a new planet to make up the numbers again, and so restore order to the Universe.


Okay, I made up that last bit about restoring order to the Universe... though I wish something would!


Suddenly he called out to me, 'New Dad! New Dad! Make a note of the exact time and write down these coordinates — I've just found a New Planet!'


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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Be Generous to a Giraffe!



06/02/2016

CHANNELING SIR PATRICK MOORE

Wilson stayed up late last night to watch the Celebrity Big Brother Final.

The outcome was not altogether satisfactory — I had been supporting Darren Day, since he seemed like a thoroughly good person, while W had been behind Stephanie, because she reminded him of a younger version of his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua: Fickle, Needy and Polyamorous. Especially Polyamorous.


But in spite of his late night he was up bright and early this morning, and I found him in the garden carrying around the parts of an enormous (and VERY expensive-looking) telescope. So that's what was in yesterday's mysterious parcel!


Before he dropped any of it, I asked whether he'd like some help setting it up.
He replied that he didn't think I'd be up to it because it was, as he explained, 'Very technical, and harder to assemble than an IKEA chest of drawers,' but if I wasn't doing anything else perhaps I could help with some of the heavy lifting.


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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Be Nice to a Newt!



05/02/2016

A MYSTERIOUS PARCEL ARRIVES

Early this morning the postman staggered up the drive carrying an ENORMOUS parcel. Addressed to Wilson, obviously!

W was tight-lipped about what was inside, saying that I would probably love it, but I'd have to wait and see what it was. 


Accordingly, once I'd helped him carry it into the dining room, he shooed me away so he could open it in (relative) privacy.


I suppose I could check my VISA statement on-line to see what the package contains, but I expect I'll find out soon enough. 


The box didn't have any air holes, so it's probably not live ants, which is something!


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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Adore an Axolotl... or an Aardvark



04/02/2016

EQUAL RIGHTS FOR BEES

Wilson's research into the source of Faux Fur is being disturbed by The Bees who, following their brilliant launch of FURbruary, are insisting that they should have their own month.

They want to call it BEEcember.


Wilson has told them that a Bee Month would be 'Entirely inappropriate,' and in any case, as they're perfectly well aware, there is already a Bee Day in August. 


The Bees were quite cross about his attitude so he (wisely, I think) refrained from making any jokes about Bidets.


'Whatever next?' he grumbled (once the Bees were safely out of earshot). 'Goldfish Day? Adopted Ladybirds Day? Talking Stones Day?'


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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Tickle a Tarantula!




03/02/2016

FAUX FUR

Today's planned post was predicated upon a misunderstanding — Wilson had intended to rail against the evils of Faux Fur... believing that it was cruelly obtained from a very cute animal called a 'Faux'. 

Now he's doing some research to see whether or not I'm right in my assertion that it means 'False' and is a just another term for Fun Fur.


'There's nothing Fun about Fur, New Dad!' he exclaimed righteously when I first tried to explain, but I think he's starting to think I might be right about this.


Lest you think that the dining room is filled with apparently naked supermodels, I should explain that this is just a poster Wilson has stuck up on the wall for the duration of his Awareness Month.


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Today's FURbruary Task Suggestion: Delight a Donkey!
 


02/02/2016

HEDGEHOG DAY

First thing this morning, even before he'd had his breakfast, Wilson gathered Polly and Billi the Bees in the living room to thank them for their launch of FURbruary.

'You both did better than I'd expected!' he told them. 'MUCH better! In fact, tbh I didn't think you were up to it, but you have proved me wrong — I thank you!' He hugged them both. 


I thought they took this very mixed endorsement pretty well, although Billi did bristle a bit at the 'I didn't think you were up to it' bit.


'By a happy coincidence,' he continued, 'today is Hedgehog Day, so I would urge and encourage everyone who can to Hug* A Hedgehog!'


To help you in your hedgehog-related celebrations, here is the Hedgehog Day website:
https://www.daysoftheyear.com/days/hedgehog-day/


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*Wilson Vermilingua wishes to point out that this is only a Hugging Suggestion and he cannot be held responsible for any hugging-related injuries.



01/02/2016

THE FIRST OF FURBRUARY!

THE BEES' BLOG

Hello, we are Polly and Billi the Bees, and this is our Guest Blog!


Today we'd like to welcome you to FURbruary, the Awareness Month that our friend Wilson has invented. 


FURbruary is to encourage everyone to be nice to everyone else, though specially to persuade Humans be nice to Animals — not JUST furry ones, but ALL animals. 


Being nice to animals doesn't just mean stroking them, it also means not killing them to eat them, not killing them because you enjoy killing things and not killing them with pesticides that are poisonous to bees!


Wilson has worked VERY hard on this project, so we'd all be immensely happy if you supported him in this great humanitarian venture!


We've been The Bees, and we'll see you next month — until then, Beeeeeeeee Kind to Animals!



31/01/2016

LAST-MINUTE PREPARATIONS

Polly sat quietly with Wilson, calmly reassuring him until he was once again more-or-less his old self.

After half an hour or so, he announced that he'd better knuckle down to make some last-minute preparations for Furbruary — he's a bit apprehensive because it's The Bees' Blog tomorrow, and he hopes he can trust them to launch his awareness month properly. Not that he mentioned his concerns to Polly, of course.


Before he started, though, he told us both, 'I'd really rather this news about Killer Anteaters didn't go any further — I don't want my friends looking askance at me. I'm a lover, not a fighter.'


He thought for a moment, before adding, 'Or I would be. If I had a girlfriend...'