FOOTPLATE ADVENTURE

As it happens we did find a loo on the train — but by then both TT and Antony said they'd changed their minds, and Wilson thought he wouldn't be able to go if the train was moving, so we made our way back to our seats.

By the time we'd settled down, however, the train was stopping in a station, so we 'de-trained' (as W insists on calling it) onto the platform to have a look around.

The Engine Driver asked Wilson if he'd like to go up onto the footplate to see how the engine worked. W first made him promise not to sound the whistle unexpectedly, and having gained his assurance thrust Antony and TT into my hands and climbed up to join the Driver and the Fireman…

HIGH-SPEED RAIL

Once we'd found a satisfactory seat that wasn't too close to the engine [ie the whistle!] the train set off almost at once. 

Soon we picked up speed and as we rattled through the countryside, Antony asked, 'How fast are we going?' 

Before I could give my opinion (which was about 30mph) Wilson had answered, 'About a Million Miles a Minute!'

Antony and TT gasped, 'Oooooohhh!' in unison, quietly repeating the figure to each other.
Then Tiny Toy announced that he needed the bathroom.

Antony backed him up, saying so did he, 'Really badly!' before Wilson added that perhaps he should have gone before he got on the train too.

Wilson I can forgive… but Antony? Tiny Toy? They're both stuffed toys — can they really need to go?

Whatever, we all set off to investigate whether there was a loo on the train…

DEMOCRACY IN ACTION

There is so much to see and do at the Isle of Wight Steam Railway that we couldn't agree on what to do first, so we took a vote in the form of a Show Of Paws. 

I abstained, on the grounds that this was really Wilson's holiday, and also the first day that Antony and TT had been allowed out of the hotel, so I thought it best to let them choose amongst themselves.

In a close vote, Wilson (Restaurant Party) was narrowly defeated by Antony and TT (Ride On A Train Party) so we went onto the platform to have a look at the locomotive which would be transporting us, so to speak, back in time.

Wilson and the boys were standing at the edge of the platform looking at the engine when the train whistle blew, loudly and unexpectedly — poor W nearly jumped out of his fur, and scurried over to the far side of the platform, explaining that the children were scared.

'No we're not!' shouted Antony, while Tiny Toy called to the engine driver, 'Do it again! Do it again!'

W quickly recovered his composure and we walked along the carriages looking for a good seat.

Wilson said he'd like to sit somewhere 'Not too near the whistle. Um, I mean the engine. Not too near the engine. I wonder whether there's a Buffet Car?'

ADVANCE WARNING

Due to circumstances beyond Wilson's and my control, tomorrow's Ant Wars 2 Blog post will be delayed.
Just don't assume we've fallen onto the railway tracks or anything — we'll be back on Wednesday!

A BIT OF A SCENE

So we all sat on the bed back at the hotel and watched Doctor Who. It was a disaster… it was the most paralysingly scary episode since Richard Wilson asked, 'Are you my Mummy?' back in the utterly petrifying 'Empty Child' episode!

Everyone was terrified. Everyone slept in my bed. With the lights on. Even I was a bit scared, but poor Wilson — not only was the story set underwater, it was about ghosts who only come out in the dark, so it really pressed all his buttons!

I finally dropped off at about 2am, but I was awoken a couple of hours later by Antony and Tiny Toy playing Tag. They seemed to have put their fear behind them, and were now totally overexcited about going to see the Steam Railway.

At the station there was a little bit of a scene when I bought the tickets. I wasn't going to say anything, but Wilson noticed the Admission Charges listed 

     CHILDREN: FREE
    
     DOGS:       £3

If there's one thing certain to wind him up, it's people thinking he's a dog; but when they try to charge him EXTRA for being a dog...

GUINNESS

Over dinner I asked Wilson whether it mightn't be possible for Antony and TT to actually come with us tomorrow, instead of being shut in the hotel all day and night.

W considered deeply, then asked where we would be going and how dangerous it would be. 

I told him I'd thought we could go to see the Steam Railway and then on to a very old Mill, and I considered both destinations to represent the consummate embodiment of Health and Safety. 

After a few minutes further contemplation, he agreed that they might accompany us as long as they both behaved responsibly. 

Wilson ordered a Guinness with his meal tonight. He finds it too bitter, so as usual he also ordered a Pimms to take the taste of the Guinness away.

Just before dessert arrived he received an email from the bees saying they won't be sending any more photos of the kitchen. They think it would be better if it came as a 'Lovely surprise' to him when he got home, and something to look forward to when his holiday was over.

Then we returned to the hotel to watch Doctor Who...

SHANKLIN CHINE

I'm so sorry, it appears I have been misleading not only Wilson, but you too — we are going not to Blackgang but to SHANKLIN  Chine; I had foolishly thought them to be one and the same.

On the way there, while checking his email Wilson took a look at The Bees' Blog from a couple of days ago — the photo on the blog was the first time he'd seen the kitchen since it was fully refurbished, and he was enraptured!

'Just look, New Dad,' he exclaimed, 'It's got red walls and ice-green worktops and an Induction Hob! I hope The sToners are minding not to scratch that work surface!'

He immediately emailed the Bees asking them to send more photographs.

Dusk was falling by the time we arrived at the Chine, and everywhere was lit up like a fairyland as we strolled along the winding paths and bridges until we reached the big waterfall at top of the gorge!

HYPOGLYCAEMIA

After several rides on the Dodgems, we finally left the pier via an arcade lined on both sides with candy and snack concessions. 

Suddenly Wilson leaned against one of the counters and apprised me that, after all the excitement, he was feeling 'Well hypoglycaemic' so he 'Needed' a bag of Flying Saucers and a pack of Popcorn.

While he consumed these we made our way back to the car to head off to Blackgang Chine. As we walked along the prom, W reiterated to me his belief that today would have been 'Far too dangerous' for Antony and TT.

'Can you imagine them in the Dodgem cars?' he asked, rhetorically. 'It was totes brilliant, but well scary!'

Actually, I think they might have loved it — they certainly look pretty wistful when W relates each day's adventures to them back at the hotel each night…

BEES' GUEST BLOG

Hello everyone, we are The Bees, Polly and Billi, and this is our Guest Blog!

Welcome to the Season of Mists, Mellow Fruitfulness and Chilly Mornings.

Wilson has sent us a rude seaside postcard from Wight Island, so if you're easily offended, please look away now…

Alright, here it is — it's really quite saucy, isn't it? That's why we've left Johnson Major and Johnson Minor on the worktop over there, so they can't see it. We did show it to the sTone Brothers, though; sToneye blushed, while sTony said he couldn't see what the fuss was about.

We just hope the postman wasn't too embarrassed when he delivered it to us!

Anyway, we are The Bees and we'll see you again next month, with loads more fascinating facts and bee-related news!

Beeeeeeeeeeeee good!

DODGEM CARS

Wilson just stood stock still, staring at the flashing lights, the whirling cars, smelling the electrical discharges and listening to the insistent Rock beat, as though hypnotised.

Then he digested the sign on the wall, which read, 'No Head-On Bumping! No Unaccompanied Children Or Anteaters!' and looked at me pleadingly.

'Oh, go on then!' I said. He jumped in while I took his photograph, then I climbed in beside him.
I let Wilson steer most of the time, and I must say I'd forgotten what really good fun it is… which is probably why we had three goes!

After this I think we'd better move on to Blackgang Chine, before it gets too dark.

Remember, though, that tomorrow it is The Bees' turn to blog, so please don't miss that!

JUMPING STAR

Next we approached the thrill-ride Wilson has had his eye on since he first glimpsed the pier from shore — ✮ The Jumping Star! ✮

It's a children's version of those terrifying giant tower rides you see at big fairgrounds, where you sit on a kind of sofa and are whisked abruptly hundreds of feet into the air, held there for a moment, shaken about as though there's a malfunction… then suddenly and without warning plunged in free-fall to the ground — leaving your stomach back at the top!

It all reminds me disturbingly of the 'falling elevator' nightmares I used to have, and you wouldn't get me onto even this junior version for all the farms in Cuba.

W was a bit nervous once the restraint bar descended, locking him in place, but once the ride began he laughed delightedly, calling out, 'Woot! Look at me, New Dad, look at me! Yay!'

When the ride finished he climbed down and composed himself, then announced that what he really needed now was candy-floss. 

However, as we set off in search of the candy-floss kiosk, he caught sight of The Dodgems. With their flickering electric poles, candy colours, hypnotic flashing lights and thumping Rock 'n' Roll music, Wilson was transfixed…

QUAD BIKE RACING

'Oh man — this is more like it!' Wilson exclaimed as he spied a Junior Quad Bike Racing Circuit.

There were other children racing on the track at the same time, so I drew his attention to the signs saying THIS WAY ROUND ➔ and NO BUMPING before dropping the coin into the slot.
To his credit, he drove very well. 

I'm certain I shall have to fend off requests for a Quad Bike when we get closer to Xmas...

SECOND CAR

Wilson has been looking forward to riding in one of these ever since he first saw one, years ago, and I told him he was too little to drive it. 

Before he climbed in he told me that when he's a millionaire, and is driven about in a DeLorean or an electric Rolls Royce or something, he will keep one of these as a runabout for when he needs to pop into the village and doesn't want to disturb the chauffeur.

He's so considerate, isn't he?

We'll overlook the fact that the chauffeur will probably be me, and he has no qualms about disturbing me at the moment…

KIDDY RIDES

The Main Event rides are at the end of the pier, so Wilson has decided to prepare himself for them by going on a few of the tamer rides first.

When my own children were using these, a ride used to cost 10p — now they're £1 a throw! Wilson loves them, and I don't begrudge him the ride, but it does seem awfully expensive nowadays.

But then, what doesn't…

SUNSHINE AND FRESH AIR

Out in the sunshine Wilson posed for a photograph by the railings, perhaps to demonstrate his blasé and nonchalant attitude to water. I noted that he chose to position himself in close proximity to a life belt, but I can't criticise him for that! 

Actually, I think he was less concerned by the sea than by a nearby seagull which was, he said, 'Looking at me funny!'

W has long had a love/hate relationship with seagulls. Like all birds he regards them with suspicion, referring to them as 'tiny dinosaurs' — but he's always had a fantasy of having a pet seagull who would, apparently, sit on his shoulder and watch tv with him in the evenings, and have long philosophical discussions with him in a way of which I am seemingly incapable.

I think he's been watching too many of those Hastings Direct insurance ads on the telly, and that the reality of a pet seagull would be VERY different from his dream…
_____________________

You are warmly invited to join the Wilson Vermilingua Appreciation Society, entirely free, at:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/wilsonvermilinguaappreciation/

AIR HOCKEY CHALLENGE

Before we reached the exit from the Amusement Arcade Wilson's eye was caught by an Air Hockey table. 

In the Games Room of our cruise ship a couple of years ago we'd played Air Hockey nearly every evening, and W had consistently beaten me. Now he told me he just wanted to be certain he hadn't lost his touch, so he challenged me to 'Just one game, New Dad?'

He beat me soundly, and generously offered me Best Of Three. Followed by Best Of Five and eventually Best Of Eleven! 

Since he had now thrashed me five times straight, I thought it was time I conceded ultimate defeat so we could move on before the day was gone… 

A SMALL INVESTMENT

The entrance to the pier was, inevitably, through an amusement arcade, and Wilson stopped off briefly to invest* a couple of pounds in a high-win fruit machine. 

I have few concerns about him ever becoming addicted to gambling, as he's far too cautious, parsimonious even, about parting with money.

Once his small-change had disappeared forever into the bowels of the machine and he had determined that it was, as he told me, 'Fixed!' and 'A total Gyp!' we headed off to the pier head, where the rides and recreations are to be found! 

*lose

FUN ON THE PIER

Straight after breakfast we jumped into the car and set off for the pier — Wilson loves piers, and I hear this is a good one, with loads of rides and things to do that he'll enjoy.

Gulls wheeled and cried overhead in the clear blue sky as we approached the pier entrance, but W pulled me to one side.

In spite of having eaten (a very substantial) breakfast less than an hour before, W insisted that he needed to be further fortified by a cone of chips and a 99 ice cream before venturing onto the pier.

As he ate, he kept pointing at the big fibreglass model cow in front of the kiosk and laughing, '"Cow You Cannot Milk" New Dad! "Cow You Cannot Milk"!'

HOTEL SWIMMING POOL

Before going in to breakfast this morning, I took Wilson along to see the hotel's heated swimming pool. 

i thought that after his recent bravery regarding water he might consent to have a little splash in the shallow end, or just sit on the side with his back paws dangling in the water.

It was not to be — although he said he was happy to wait while I swam, (or 'tried not to drown' as he put it) so long as I didn't splash him. 

It's not so much fun swimming on your own, so we both went along to the dining room.

Over breakfast he told me that, since he'd had courageously undertaken such hazardous experiences yesterday, he was very glad he'd left Antony and TT safely in our room. Today, though, in response to their heartfelt pleas, he would sit them on the windowsill so they could look out at the garden... instead of shutting them in a drawer as he usually did.

Today we're going to Ryde Pier, and if there's time afterwards I thought we might try to fit in Blackgang Chine.

DOCTOR WHO [SPOILER ALERT!]

We got back to the hotel, ran up to our room, said a brief Hello to Antony and TT and settled down in front of the tv, just in time for the Dr Who opening titles.

For the first few minutes everything went well, the only interruptions being the constant chant of 'What's happened?' from Tiny Toy.

Then, following the Snake Man transformation scene and the appearance of the Daleks, Antony started crying — which set TT off as well — and they both had to be comforted.

The last straw, though, was when Clara (who Wilson secretly fancies) was killed by the Daleks.

It took the entire contents of the mini-bar, including the nuts, to calm him down…